An old couple, married many years, was beginning to cool off in the sex department. The wife wondered what she could do to rekindle the fires of passion. She decided one night, after her husband had gone into the bathroom to get ready for bed, that she needed to spice things up.  So, she took off all her clothes, lay down on the bed stark naked, lifted up both legs over her head and hooked her feet in the headboard.  Just then, her elderly husband came in without his eye glasses.  He took one look at her and said,  "For God's sake Martha, will you please put your teeth back in your head and comb your hair! You look more like your mother every day!"

A cowboy walks up to the lady of the evening and asks, "What are you rates, ma'am?" "Well, Tex," she says, "I handle the bill according to size. If you're 3 inches, I charge $10. If you're 4 inches, I charge $15. What do you think?" "Nope," The cowboy replies, "I got nuthin' smaller than a 50 on me!"

This guy buys a motorcycle from this man. He's really impressed with the condition of the bike and asked the man how he keeps it so clean and shiny. As the man explains, he reaches into his saddle bag on the side of the bike and pulls out a jar of Vaseline. He points out that when ever there is a chance for rain, he runs out and rubs Vaseline all over the leather and chrome. That is what keeps  it looking new. After a few months of dating his current girl friend, he is invited over to her parents house for dinner. After some lite conversation in the living room, they are asked to go into the dining room for dinner. As they are entering the dining room his girl friend pulls him aside and asked him not to speak during dinner. The guy says he has never heard of such a thing and asks why? She says who ever speaks during dinner has to do the dishes. He agrees. When they get to the dining room, there are dishes piled everywhere. There are dishes on the chairs and barely enough room on the table to put the food. The guy pushes aside a pile of dirty dishes and sits down. He begins to eat and sure enough, no one says a word. After a while it begins to bother him and he tries to stir up some conversation. He knocks down dishes, rudely reaches for food, but nothing seems to work.
Finally he grabs his girl friend and throws a load of dishes off the table onto the floor, throws her on the table and begins to have violent sex with her. Still no one says a word. He then grabs her sister and throws her on the table and has sex with her. Again no response from anyone. He then grabs the mother, throws her on the table and as he finishes, he hears thunder outside. He quickly finishes and runs outside to put Vaseline on his motorcycle. When he returns to dinner, he has the jar of Vaseline still in his hand. The father stands up and says "Alright, alright, I'll do the dishes".

  A man took his wife deer hunting, they decided to split up to improve their chances of finding a deer. The man explained to his wife that the woods were full of dishonest hunters who might try to claim her deer if she managed to kill one. In case this happened, she should fire her rifle into the air three times, to summon him for assistance. They went their separate ways, and soon he heard a shot, followed by three quick shots. He followed the direction of the sound, and found his wife holding a man at gunpoint. She said "It was just like you told me, I killed this deer fair and square and this man says its his." The husband pointed his rifle at the stranger, who placed his hands in the air and said "She's welcome to keep it, but I would like to get my saddle back."

     The other day this guy came up to me and asked if I wanted to buy his old '57 Chevy convertible. I thought it was a pretty good looking car and so I offered him 50 female pigs and 50 male deer. The guy looked at me kind of crazy like and started to mutter under his breath. I asked him what's the matter, don't you want a hundred sows and bucks?

So this lady walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. A drunk at the bar looks up and says, "That's the ugliest pig I ever saw!". The lady says, "You stupid drunk. That's not a pig, that's a duck!". And the drunk says, "I was talking to the duck."

There were two morons that wanted to go hunting. They went out into the woods and after a while decided to split up. One went one way and the other went another way. As it turned out, one of the morons shot the other moron by mistake. The moron that shot his friend was very upset and so he took the friend to the hospital. When he saw the doctor, he asked how his friend was doing and if he was going to live. The doctor replied, "He would have been fine if you hadn't have gutted him first."

    This man walked into the bar and said to the bartender, "Let me tell you this joke about dumb jocks." The bartender replied, "Listen, bud, I don't think that would be a good idea. See those two guys over in the corner booth? They used to play for the Dallas Cowboys. And those three guys at the end of the bar used to wrestle professionally. Also, I used to play professional hockey." The man then replied, "Forget it, I don't have time to explain it to all six of you."

    One day, a guy comes into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want it to grow". So the doc says, "Here, take three of these a day," and gives the guy a bottle of pills. An hour later, another guy comes in and he wants it to grow too. The doc says, "Take 3 of these a day." "No, I'll take 6!" and the guy leaves. Then a cowboy comes in: He wants the same. He's told to take 3 but says, "Nah, I'll take 24!" and leaves. The next day all three guys come into the office.
1st: "Doc, Doc, it's down to my ankles!"
2nd: "Doc, Doc, it's draggin' an inch behind me!"
Cowboy: "YeeeeHaaah!"

    This old man rambles into a bar and shuffles up to the counter. He leans over the counter and says to the bartender "I'll gouge my eye out for $25."  The bartender says, "I'm game," so the old man pops out a fake eye with a big grim and takes the $25. Then he says, "For $50 I'll bite my other eye." The bartender then says, "You must have at least one good eye, so I'm in." So the old man pulls out his dentures and moves them in a biting motion over his other eye and takes the money. The old man then starts to say "For ..." The bartender cuts in and says, "I'm not going to pay you to do anything else." So the old man shuffles of to the back room. About thirty minutes later he comes back up to the bartender and says, "I'm going to give you a chance to get your money back. I'll bet you $100 That I can pee into a shot glass on one end of the bar from the other end of the bar." The Bartender thinks this over and agrees to it. So the bartender puts a shotglass at one end and the old man stands up on the other end a pulls it out and starts peeing all over the bar, stools, and even the bartender. The bartender jumps up for joy knowing that he has just won his hundred when he notices the old man laughing. He asks the old man why he is laughing and the old man says, "I just bet two men in the back $500 that I could pee all over you and the bar and have you like it."

    There was once a little boy ...
    He was at home one day and he heard some moaning and groaning coming from his mother's bedroom. He hastily peeked through the keyhole and saw his mother lying on the bed, naked, rubbing herself and saying "I need a man, God, I need a man!" The boy saw this ritual several times, until one day he peeked through the keyhole and saw a man on top of her. He immediately ran to his room, took off all his clothes, and rubbed himself while saying: "I need a bike, I need a bike!"

This text ACTUALLY came out of an IBM service database.
Of course it's referring to the rubber ball inside a computer mouse ...

MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse Balls are now available as a FRU. If a mouse fails to operate or should perform erratically, it may be in need of ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel only. Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examining the underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the popoff method and domestic balls replaced using the twistoff method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive, however, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each servicer have a pair of balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary functional items.

A blind guy walks into a department store with his seeingeye dog and, for no apparent reason, grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging the poor mutt around and around. A clerk rushes over to the man to see if he could help. "Excuse me sir, can I assist you in some way?"
And the blind man replies, "No thanks, just looking!"

During a recess in the proceedings, three delegates to an international agriculture convention sat down for cocktails, and before long, they began to discuss methods for driving their wives wild.  The French delegate volunteered that he always picked a few roses from the garden, spread the petals on his wife's body, then gently blew them off before making love.
     The Englishman declared that before making love to his wife, he would massage her with hot oil. The two Europeans then turned to the Texan and asked him his secret. "Well," he said, "after the wife and I get it on, I hop outta bed and wipe my dick on the curtains. That, gents, drives her wild!"

I was in a steak house in Austin. Guy came in and sat at the table next to us and ordered a sirloin. The waitress asked him how he wanted it and he answered, "Knock off its horns, wipe its ass and walk it through the kitchen."

Three gradeschool children learned how to swear from their friends at school. Thinking highly of their accomplishment, they decided to try it out at home, choosing the next morning's breakfast to show off their newly acquired skill. As they sit down at the breakfast table, their mother turns to the oldest child and asks what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell, I think I'll have some damn cheerios," he replies, whereupon mother whacks him a good one upside the head. Somewhat irritated, she turns to the next child and asks him what he wants.
     "Ah, hell, I'll have some of them freakin' cheerios, too," is his answer, whereupon he also gets whacked dizzy. In utter disgust, the mother turns to the youngest child and repeats her question in akclearly angry tone of voice. The child replied "I sure as hell ain't going to have them freakin' cheerios!"

Chip and Dale were eating nuts one day and arguing over what kind of tree they were sitting in. About that time Woody Woodpecker flies by and hears the commotion. Says Woody, "I'll settle the argumant." "O.k.," said the squirrels. So Woody finds himself a good perch and proceeds to peck away. After quite awhile, too exhausted to continue, he finishes. Chip and Dale, excited to find out who's right, ask him, "Well, what is it?" Says Woody, "I don't know what you were arguing about  that was the best piece of ash I ever stuck my pecker in."

One day Dirty Ernie is playing with his train set. The little train came around to the little station and stopped. So Ernie said, "All the people getting off the train, get off the freakin' train; all the people getting on, get on the freakin' train". So, the train goes around the little track and back into the station. Ernie says again, "All the people getting off the train, get off the freakin' train; all the people getting on, get on the freakin' train." Well, Ernie's mother had heard enough! "Ernie, go to your room. No dinner tonight!" After dinner, Ernie's mother went upstairs to his room. "Well Ernie, I think you learned your lesson; you can go play with your trains." Ernie plays, the train pulls up to the little station. Says Ernie, "All the people getting on the train, get on the train; all the people getting off the train, get off. Anyone who wants to know why we are late tonight, ask the freakin' bitch in the kitchen."

The night of Hugo, just when the eye of the storm was coming upon us, the water was so high outside it started coming in the windows. When the eye hit, I waded outside and, for safety, the neighbor's son and I ended up on the top of thier house. As we sat there, we saw logs, parts of roofs and houses and even mailboxes float by the house. All of a sudden a baseball cap came floating down past the house, then stopped, and floated upstream, then stopped and reversed directions a couple more times. Totally amazed I said to the kid, "Wonder what that is?" To which he replied, "Oh, that's the ole man. He said, 'Today, come Hell or High Water' he was gonna get that damn lawn mowed!"

A guy walks into a bar where he has heard that the bartender is keeping a horse in back. Walking up to the bar, he asks what the bartender would give him if he were able to go back to the horse and make it laugh.  The bartender offers 100 bucks. The guy says o.k., and walks back to the horse and whispers in its ear. Suddenly the horse starts laughing in an uproar. The man collects his money and leaves. A week later, the man shows up again and asks the bartender what he'd pay if he could make the horse cry? This time the bartender is thinking he's got a sure win and bets 1000 bucks. Once agin the man walks back to the horse and a few minutes later, the horse is crying! The bartender pays up, but asks "You got to tell me what happened." The man says, "Well, the first time, I told your horse that my cock was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him."

A priest wanted to raise money for the church. He was told that there was a fortune in horse rasing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in a race. However, at an auction, the going price for a horse was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey and race it. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheet carried the headline, "PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS." The priest was pleased with the donkey and entered it in another race. This time it won. The paper reported, "PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT." The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity, that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The paper read, "BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS." This was just too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest gave the donkey to a nun at a nearby convent and the headline read, "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN." The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She sold it to a farmer for $10 and the newspaper reported, "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS." They buried the bishop the next day.

Two fags were standing on a corner  one with his finger up the other's ass. A cop came up and asked the fag, "Why do you have your finger up that guy's ass?" "I'm trying to make him throwup," lisped the fag. "But," said the cop, "that's not going to make him throwup."  Replied the fag, "It will when I stick it in his mouth."

Did you hear about the husband who took his wife to the zoo? They walked over to the gorilla cage, which contained a mean old 600 pound gorilla. The man got ahold of the key to the cage, unlocked the door, threw his wife inside and said, "Now go ahead and tell HIM you got a headache!"

Well, here it is Sunday evening again and you've probably all read, reread, and pretty well exhausted the info in your Church bulletin by now ... Real exciting stuff, eh?  Yeah, ours generally is too. But sometimes ...

       "This afternoon there will be meetings in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."

       "Tuesday at 4:00pm, there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving milk please come early."

       "Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, 'Put Me in My Little Bed,' accompanied by the Pastor."

       "Thursdays at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet with the minister in his study." "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Borwn to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

       "The service will close with 'Little Drops of Water,' one of the men will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in."

       "The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon."

       "On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense on the new carpet. All wishing to do some thing on the carpet, please come forward and get a  piece of paper."

Sammy Davis, Jr. passes through the Pearly Gate and runs into Rock Hudson. "Rock," he says, "You can smoke'em or poke'em, but one way or another, them butts are sure to kill you."

A jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the onsite surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet. "What's this," she asked. "Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"

When I got married I told my wife I wanted to set the world on fire. After three years of being married to her I wanted to set myself on fire ...

A priest, a minister and a rabbi all died at the same time and met at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stood before the locked gates and looked upon them sternly. "I have been reviewing your lives," St. Peter began, "You've all done a remarkable job leading exemplary lives. However, before I can allow any of you to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, you each must answer one question."
Peter turned towards the priest, "Father, when does life begin?" The priest proudly replied, "At the moment of conception!" Consulting his answer sheet, St. Peter said, "You've answered according to your faith. You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven." As the priest disappeared through the Pearly Gates, St.  Peter turned to the minister. "When does life begin?"
The minister, without hesitation proclaimed, "When the head leaves the birth canal!" Peter once again checked his list, saying, "You've answered according to your faith. You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
As the minister disappeared through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter turned to the rabbi. "So, Rabbi, when does life begin?" The rabbi thought carefully, stroked his beard, and replied, "When the dog dies and the kids leave home."

A irishman, a german and an iraqi all volunteered for a scientific experiment to determine ethnic variation in olfactory tolerance. The three were locked into a wellheated pigpen with four pigs who had been fed a steady diet of AllBran and ExLax. After thirty minutes, the german could take it no longer and crawled, gasping for breath, from the pigpen. Two hours later the irishman left the pigpen, a curious shade of chartreuse, and collapsed. Ten more minutes passed before the pigs ran out begging for mercy ...

After many years of study, two orthodox rabbanical students graduated from the seminary, and were told to get black suits and go into the world. One said that his uncle Pincus, the tailor, would give them a great deal, so they went to see him. After picking up their suits, the two new rabbis walked down the street, arguing about the color of their suits. The first rabbi said the suits were navy; the second said no they were black. That's when they saw a nun waiting at a bus stop. They ran up behind the nuns to compare colors of clothing. Lo and behold, their suits were navy! "How do you like that, Pincus f**ked us!" said one rabbi. The nun turned around, saying, "I didn't know you could speak Latin!"

Customer:  How much is a haircut?
Barber:    Eight dollars.
Customer:  How much is a shave?
Barber:    A buck.
Customer:  In that case, shave my hair off ...

Two tourists, a Pole and Czechoslovakian, were visiting Yellowstone National Park. Their first night, two huge bears wandered into their campsite and ate the two hapless tourists. The park rangers set out immediately to find these killer bears. Finally, they cornered two bears, a male and a female, which they thought might have been responsible. "What do you think we ought to do with them?" asked the first ranger. "Well," the second ranger replied, "I figure we should cut the bears open. If we find the people inside, we know we've got our killer bears." Whereupon, the first ranger began to cut the female bear, and sure enough he found the remains of the Pole. "Any luck?" he called out to his partner. "Yep," said the other. "The Czech is in the male."

A jewish guy walked into a bar, sat down next to a chinese guy, had two drinks, and punched the chinese guy in the nose. "What that for?" asked the chinese guy. "That's for bombing Pearl Harbor," said the Jew. "You idiot," said the chinese guy, "JAPANESE bomb Pearl Harbor  NOT Chinese!" "Ah," said the jewish guy, "Chinese, japanese, it's all the same."
So the chinese guy finished his drink and punched the jewish guy in the nose. "What was THAT for?" asked the jewish guy. "That for sinking Titanic," said the chinese guy. "You moron," said the jewish guy, "the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!" "Ah so," said the chinese guy, "Iceberg, Greenberg, it all same!"

Two canadians decide to go duck hunting so they get up early one morning, and go off to the swamps with their red hats, duck calls, and their trusty hunting dog. Even with all conditions favorable for a good day, by day's end they headed home without a single duck! The first canadian said "Do you think that maybe the duck calls didn't work?" The second replied, "No, the duck calls were fine. I think we weren't throwing the dog high enough!"

Three yuppers were out in the forest hunting. They hadn't had much luck and were about ready to shoot anything. One yupper forced his way through some bushes and said, "Hey! I found some deer tracks!" The second yupper nudged him to the side and said, "You dummy, those aren't deer tracks, those are bear tracks!" So, the third yupper shoved his way in, put his head down real close to the tracks to see what they were, and was run over by a train.

The Scots pray on the Sabbath, and on their neighbors; the Irish don't know what they believe in, but they're more than ready to die for it; and the British all claim to be selfmade men  which at least relieves God of the responsibility!

Two yuppers were hunting in the woods. It had been a long and unproductive day. As the hunters walked into a sunny clearing, Sven spied a beautiful, and well endowed, coed sunbathing in the nude. She noticed the hunters, winked, and waved them over. "Ole," Sven stammered, "I think she wants us to screw her!" Ole replied "I'm game." So Sven shot him.

A team of detectives arrived at the business executive's New York penthouse apartment and were admitted by the butler.  "Mr. James," one told the businessman, "we have some good news and some bad news about your missing wife."
"You'd better give me the bad news first," said Mr. James.  "We found her floating face down in the East River this afternoon with eight large lobsters clinging to her body."  "Oh, poor Sandra," the man sighed, "What's the good news?"
"We're sending her back out in the morning."

While taking a break from the assembly line, two auto workers were discussing the strange twists life sometimes takes. "Who woulda thought," one mused, "that there would come a day when I would have more money than Donald Trump, higher morals than Jimmy Swaggart, and more pussy than Rock Hudson?"

Two newfies were off on their annual trip to the Canadian Rockies to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please."
      A week later, when he returned to the lake, the pilot found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose.  "I told you guys only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!" "You're just a chicken," one hunter said.
     "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off," said the other newfie. Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered. "Alright, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it."
     So they loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the newfies regained consciousness.
     "Where are we?" one asked.  His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake, and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards further than last year."

A New Jersey suburbonite had just motored through the Lincoln Tunnel into Manhattan when a hooker approached him and said, "I'll do anything you want  your wildest fantasies  for $100. But you have to tell me in three words." The guy thought for a moment and replied, "Okay ... Paint my house."

With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated.  "Who turned on the freakin' lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough of this particular character.  "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The freakin' lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."

"Do you think," asked the poll taker, "that the terms of Congressmen should be limited?"  "Hell no!" raged the taxpayer. "They should stay in jail as long as everyone else!"

"I'm not saying her fiance' is cheap," whispered the office gossip, "but every time I get close to her engagement ring, I have an overwhelming desire for some Cracker Jacks ..."

The next thing you know, instead of issuing stamps, they're just going slap a little glue on the backs of dollar bills ...

   You know you're in a small town when ...
... You dial a wrong number and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
... You are run off Main Street by a combine.
... You can't walk for exercise  every car that passes offers you a ride.
... You don't use your turn signal because everyone knows where you are going.
... You get married and the local newspaper devotes a quarter page  to the story.
... You drive into a ditch five miles out of town and the word gets back to town before you do.
... The biggest business in town sells farm machinery.
... You write a check on the wrong bank  and it covers you anyway.
... The pickups on Main Street outnumber the cars 3 to 1.
... You miss a Sunday at church and receive getwell cards.
... Someone asks you how you are, and actually wants to know.

A big, ugly, biker stormed into a bar in a bad mood one evening, obviously looking for a fight. "Everybody on that side of the bar is an asshole!" he shouted, "Anybody want to make something of it? Just stand up!" Nobody stood up. "And everyone on this side of the bar is a freakin' faggot!" A lawyer stood up. "You wanna fight?" snarled the biker. "No", said the lawyer, "it's just that I'm on the wrong side of the bar."

One day 3 baby boys were born in the hospital at the same time and the nurses got them mixed up. They were Jewish, Polish and German. Everyone stood around wondering how to sort them out, when the German father stepped forward, clicked his heels, and shouted, "Achtung!" The german baby jumped up, threw his hand in the air, and replied "Seig Heil!" The Jewish baby shit his diapers and the Polish baby played in it.

There are three kinds of sex:
1. Kitchen sex    This is usually when you're first together. You'll do it ANYWHERE.
2. Bedroom sex  As your relationship progresses this is the usual place for sex.
3. Hallway sex   As your relationship has matured you walk down the hall and say "Fuck you".

An attractive young secretary in her first week on the job got some friendly advice about the office Romeo from the more matronly office workers.  "Watch out for 'Tiny' ... Stay away from 'Tiny'," they warned her.  
     After a few weeks on the job, two of the older secretaries cornered her in the copy room. "I see you worked after hours with Tiny last night," one began. "Did Tiny make any moves on you when you were alone?" the other asked.
     The pretty young secretary didn't know quite what to say. She replied that she had a most pleasant evening, and she didn't know why everyone kept calling him 'Tiny'.
     "Oh, I guess you didn't find out last night after all," one of the older women laughed. "You see, he has a tattoo on the side of his penis that says 'Tiny'."
     "Then we must be talking about two different people," the young secretary rplied, "The man I was with has a tatoo that says Ticonderoga, NY."

An Israeli tank hit an Egyptian tank. The Egyptian jumped out of his tank, frantically waving a white flag. The Israeli jumped out of his tank shouting, "Whiplash! Whiplash!"

Do you know how the Israelis captured the Negev desert? The Egyptians had a bunch of Russian advisors during the war. The Russians have always relied on their time proven, reliable, strategy  retreat before the enemy, and wait for the Russian winter to descend.

I met a girl at a party the other night. One thing led to another and before I knew it, I was having sex with her. I wondered what kind of birth control she was using. It was foam. By the time I found out, I looked like a mad dog.

Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, their conversation turned to children.  "My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue," announced Mrs. Cohen. Not to be outdone, Mrs. Goldsteinthe remarked, "My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street."
     Mrs. Smith remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, Mrs. Cohen inquired, "And you, dear, do you have a son?" "And is he a professional?" demanded Mrs. Goldstein. "Well, not exactly," answered Mrs. Smith, "Actually, he's a plumber. And not only that, he's gay."
     Beaming, one of the poor woman's interrogators offered consolation: "Ah, he's not doing so well ..." This time it was Mrs. Smith who smiled. "He's not doing too badly," she explained. "He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most successful lawyer on Wall Street ..."

A little girl went to the Judge and asked to be taken away from her parents ...
Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Mommy?"
Little Girl: "No, my Mommy beats me."
Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Daddy?"
Little Girl: "No, my Daddy beats me too."
Judge: "Well little girl, who do you want to live with?"
Little Girl: "I want to live with the Cubs because they never beat anyone!"

A guy is lost at sea for days, and finally finds land, a native island. The guy makes friends with the native chief, and in appreciation the chief gives the guy his daughter for the night. So that night as they were going at it, the girl starts saying "Agooma, agooma!" The man thought this meant, "This is great! I love this!" So the next morning, the chief invited the man to a game of golf. Just at the end, the man wanted to show his appreciation for the game of golf, and also wanted to show off his new knowledge, so he said "Agooma, agooma!"  The chief replied "What do you mean 'wrong hole'?"

"Can you count," asked the golfer to the caddy asking for a job. "Yes sir," said the boy. "Can you add," asks the golfer. "Yes sir," said the boy. "Okay then, how much is 4 + 5 + 7 ?" "9  sir." "Excellent, you got the job!"

The golfer had lost his ball and was a little annoyed with his caddy: "Why the hell didn't you watch where it went?" "Well sir," said the boy, "it don't usually go anywhere, so when you did hit the ball, it sort of caught me by surprise."

 A man suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he goes to the pet store to shop for a parrot. He sees quite an assortment for sale for $500 to $1000, but that's a bit more than he want to spend, so he's delighted to come across one in the corner for sale for $29.95. "How come that one's so cheap," he asks the clerk. "To tell you the truth, his dick is oversized and it embarrasses the customers."  
     The husband buys the bird anyway, and installs it on a perch right over the bed. The next day the first thing he does after coming home form work is to rush upstairs ... "Well, what happened today?" he demanded of the bird. "Well, the milkman came, and your wife told him to come into the bedroom, and they took off their clothes and got into bed." "So what happened next," screamed the husband. "I don't know," says the parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch!"

A guy was telling his buddy that his wife could always tell when he had beenmessing around just by looking at his eyes. His buddy said, "No wonder, you have a pubic hair hanging from your eyelid!"

Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients? Yeah, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!

Jesus and Moses went out to play golf one day. Moses tees off on the first hole, and hits a beautiful 250 yard drive right in the middle of the fairway. Jesus steps up, and hits a wormburner about 50 yards. Moses started to laugh, but then a mouse picked up the ball and ran down the fairway. A hawk swooped down from the sky, picked up the mouse, flew over the green, and dropped the mouse. The mouse dropped the ball, and the ball rolled right in the cup. Moses turned to Jesus and says, "Are you gonna play golf or just screw around?"

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."

Did you hear about Bill and Joe, the twin brothers? Bill was married and Joe was single. The single brother, Joe, was the proud owner of a dilapidated old row boat. It so happened that Bill's wife died on the same day that Joe's boat filled with water and sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistook him for his brother Bill.
     She said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, I was sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible." Joe spoke up saying, "I'm not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing right from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of old fish and the first time I got into her she drank water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty bad hole in her front, and the hole kept getting bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when anyone else used her, she leaked like everything. But what really finished her was the four guys looking for a good time. They asked me if I would rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't too hot, but they could take a crack at her anyway. The result was the crazy fools tried to get into her all at once and it was too much for her and she cracked up the middle ..."

God created the world. He was lonely, and so he created the birds, the animals, and the fishes. He was still lonely, and so he created two men. When he finished, he sat back and sighed satisfactorily. A timid angel raised his hand and  said, "God, there is just one problem. You have created two men. They cannot reproduce." God thought about the problem for a moment, scratched his chin, and replied, "You're right. Give the dumb one tits."

A man and his wife had gotten into the habit of referring to making love as "doing the laundry" so their kid's wouldn't know what was up. One day the man came home from work and said to his wife, "Honey, let's do some laundry."
     "Not now," she said, "I've had a hard day and I just wanna watch a little t.v."
     "OK," he says,  "I'm gonna go take a nap." Time passed and the missus decided that a little whoopee might be just the thing so she joined her hubby in the bedroom. "I've changed my mind, let's do some laundry " she said. "Sorry," said the husband, "but I just had a small load, so I did it by hand."

Two dogs walking through the woods, both get caught in bear traps. One dog says, "We need to chew off a leg to get loose." The other dog says no way. First dog chews off his leg, goes in to town, gets patched up by the vet, and comes back a few days later. The other dog is still in the trap. The first dog says, ""You need to chew off your leg to get loose." The other dog says, "I already chewed off three legs and I still ain't free."

A gigolo married an ugly, not too bright woman who happened to have loads ofmoney. One day the man went out to repair a hole in the roof of the stable. "I need a ladder," he said to his wife. "Get the ladder, get the ladder," she repeated dutifully as she trotted off. "I need a hammer and nails," he told her a bit later. "Get the hammer, get the nails, get the hammer ..." she repeated as she ran back to the toolshed. The guy soon got down to work and was hammering away when he hit himself squarely on the thumb. "F**k!" he screamed. His wife bobbed away saying, "Get the bag, get the bag!"

There were three dogs sitting at the pound and each had an interesting story about why they were there and what they thought would happen to them.
PitBull: The family next door had a nine month old baby and it was always crying  so much it was driving its parents crazy, driving my owner crazy, driving ME crazy  everyone!
So, one day, they left the back door open and I sneaked in and bit it's arm off. I heard later that it died on the way to the hospital.
"So," asked the the doberman, "what do you think will happen to you?"
"I guess I'll get the gas chamber," replied the pitbull.
Doberman: The damned postman always sprays me with mace. It makes my eyes water like crazy, makes me sneeze and I can't sleep all afternoon. One day, another postman came to the house, but he didn't know I existed, so I chewed his leg off. Apparently he died the next day at the hospital.
"So," asked the great dane, "what do you think will happen to you?"
"I guess I'll get the gas chamber," replied the doberman.
Great Dane: My master is a gorgeous 25 year old woman. One day I was lonely and was looking for her. But I couldn't find her. So, I went upstairs and I found her kneeling on the floor, washing out the bath tub. She had no clothes on and the sight made me lose control.
I sneaked up behind her and ...
"So," interrupted the other two, "what do you think will happen to you?"
"I guess I'm here to get my nails cut," grinned the great dane ...

This fellow's wife was very flat chested. He came home from work one day and to his utter amazement, there was his wife with a pair of 44" breasts. He said, "My gosh, Martha, what happened?" She said "Honey, I was making myself look all pretty for you and I was looking in the mirror behind the door, and I said to it, 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my tits size 44', and BOOM, look at the size of these suckers!"
The fellow was just overwhelmed. He ran upstairs, jumped into the shower, combed his hair, stood there looking at himself and his little thing hanging there. He said to the mirror, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my dick touch the floor," and BOOM! His legs blew off.

Two old Jewish men were sitting on a park bench when an attractive woman jogger trotted by. "Oyvey! Would I like to screw her," said the first old man. The other looked too, and said, "Outta what?"

There was a Pole who was stranded at sea. He saw a bottle floating and picked it up. When he opened it, a Genie popped out, "I have been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years! I will grant you three wishes for freeing me!"
     The Pole considered it and requested, "I would like to have the Mongol hoards come out of the East and sack, pillage and destroy Warsaw."  The genie considered it, and clapped his hands. "It is done," he said.
     The Pole said, "My second wish is to have the Mongol hoards come out of the East and sack, pillage and destroy Warsaw."  The Genie looked puzzled, but clapped his hands. "It is done," he said.
     The Pole said, "My third wish is..." The Genie cut him off, "...to have the Mongol hoards come out of the East and sack, pillage and destroy Warsaw?" "Yes," agreed the pole. The Genie clapped his hands, and said, "It is done. I am now free to leave, but I must know before I go. Why did you want the Mongol hoards to come out of the East and sack pillage and destroy Warsaw?" "Because," said the Pole, "In order for the Mongol hoards to come out of the East three times and sack pillage and destroy Warsaw, they'd have to cross Russia SIX times!"

A lawyer, doctor and priest were on an airplane over the ocean. The plane went down and the only survivors were those three. They started swimming towards an island when sharks appeared. SNAP!!! The doctor was eaten. SNAP!!! The priest was eaten. The lawyer made it to the island, and was later picked up and returned to port. The press asked him why the sharks ate the other two and not him. He replied, "Professional courtesy."

There once was a minister who found that he had grown away from his congregation.
So, in an attempt to come closer to his parishioners, he decided to visit each of them personally. At the home of one elderly widow he was invited in, but asked to sit and wait while she finished preparing her evening meal. As he sat, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the side table and he ate a few. Time passed and he ate a few more. He went over some sermons in his mind and ate a few more peanuts. Suddenly, to his suprise, he ralized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.
     When the woman returned from the kitchen he began to appologize by saying that he was extremely sorry and quite embarrassed, but in his hunger he had eaten all of her peanuts. She replied by saying, "Don't worry reverend, since I lost my false teeth all I can do is suck off the chocolate, anyway ..."

One day the Pope became very sick. All the cardinals are very concerned since he looked like he would not last long. They called in a number of doctors and none of them could help. Finally, they called for the best doctor in Rome, who told them,  "There is only one hope for him, but you are not going to like it."  The cardinals said, "Anything, tell us and we will do it!" So the Doctor explained, "The only way that he will live is if he has sex with a woman."  
     A gasp went up from the cardinals and then a murmuring. But they agreed to tell the Pope. They explained the situation and the Pope (he was Italian) said, "Wella, thera musta be three condiziones.  Firsta, she musta be blind so she canna see nothing."
     The cardinals nodded in agreement.  "Nexta," the Pope continued, "she musta be deff so she canna hear nothing." They all agreed and said, "And what, Your Holiness, is the third condition?" "The thirda condizione," said the Pope, "isa thata she musta have biga tits."

Three guys, an Italian, a Jew and a Pole, just died and were being judged as to their worthiness of entering the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said that they were all equally bad, so the ones that proved themselves in a test of faith would get in. He told each of them he will lock them up in a room for 20 years. When he came back, whatever they'd done for him is what they get judged by. So, he told the Italian, "I'm going to put you in this room with one thing of your choice, what will that be?" The Italian guy tells him, "I wanna me a woman". And so it is done. St. Peter then turned to the Jew and asked him the same thing. The jewish guy wanted a telephone. And it was done. Then St. Peter went to the Pole, who wanted a cigarrette. And so was done.
Twenty years passed, and St. Peter opens the Italian's room and there were a dozen children running around and playing games and things. And he says, "Looka, St. Pietro, I madea you a big family! Buona Sera!" St. Peter was proud of this and smiled, and the pearly gates open for the Italian. Then St. Peter went to the next door and there's the jewish guy with a load of money all piled up. "Hey Pete, babe, I got ya all this cash, and this can do some very good for the orphans down below. All the real estate and stock marketing I've done, paid off. So do I get in or what, huh?" And St. Peter said, "Well I guess I could fit you in, but I chose the Italian guy first. You've done good, enter."  And the Pearly Gates opened. Then St. Peter moved down to the third room and the Pole was standing there with the cigarette and asked him "Can I have a light?"

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly tossed cookies all over himself and the floor. The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them." The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

The owner of a travelling circus was down on his luck and close to bankruptcy, when he decided that the only way to increase attendance was to find a great act that couldn't be topped. Since his lion tamer had quit, he put an ad in the local paper for a replacement, requesting that all applicants come to the circus the next day to audition.
     The following day, two individuals showed up, a regularlooking guy, and a knockout woman with a body that wouldn't quit. "Lady's first," declared the owner, as he handed a whip, gun and chair to the beauty. He opened the cage door. As a lion entered the cage from the other side, the woman, threw the gun and whip aside, stripped off all of her clothes, sat on the chair with her legs spread and looked the lion straight in the eye. The lion, being most impressed with the sight before him, buried his head between the woman's thighs and 'went wild.' After 15 minutes, the lion backed away from her and, totally exhausted, rolled on his side and passed out.
     While watching this, the circus owner knew he had the money maker that he needed and was rubbing his hands together, thinking of all of the money he was going to make with his new act. Turning to the man beside him, he asked, "Well, do you think you can top that?" To which the man replied, "You bet your ass I can! Just get that freakin' lion out of the cage ..."

Three friends were standing around bragging about how great their pets were. They each claimed their dog was the smartest. The Doctor turned to his dog and said, "Go, Rover." Rover proceeded to cross to an operating table and do a serious operation in spactacular fashion, including all major surgery and stitching the wound closed. Upon completion of the surgery, Rover crossed to the doctor who gave him some cookies.
     "Not bad," said the engineer, who turned to his dog and said, "Go, Spot!" Whereupon Spot crossed over to a drafting table and, in five minutes, proceeded to knock out complete construction blue prints for a 150 story office complex. When he was finished, Spot crossed to the engineer, who gave him some cookies. The doctor and the engineer turned expectantly to the lawyer, who shrugged.
     The lawyer turned to his dog and said, "Okay Fido, they're finished." Where upon Fido pissed on the plans, screwed both Rover and Spot, and stole their cookies.

During a picnic for upscale lawyers in Sausalito, Biff and Skippy had had an ounce or two too much and decided to walk back into San Francisco. After five minutes, each began to argue about whose dick was the longest.
     When they reached the middle of the Golden Gate Bridge, they watched the water flowing underneath and both were striken with a terrible urge to void their bladders. "Ah," announced Biff as he stood at the rail, "That water is COLD."
"Yes," agreed Skippy, standing alongside him, "And it's deep too!"

A lawyer was helping a poor old widow settle her husband's estate. Upon completion of the job, he charged her $100.00.  She opened her purse, and took out one of the few remaining contents  a one hundred dollar bill. After he left the attorney discovered that the bill had another $100.00 bill stuck to it. Immediately, the lawyer was faced with an ethical dilemma  whether or not to tell his partner.

An elderly woman walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhatten Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3,000,000 she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, however, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money involved.
     The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around three million, telephoned the bank president's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.
     The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied. "Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired.
"No," she answered. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this elderly woman could have come into three million dollars. "I bet," she stated. "As in horses?" he asked. "No," she replied, "I bet people."
     Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful  he didn't even have the traditional nooner with his secretary. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no change in his crotchal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the old lady to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He know this would be a lucky day  how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
     At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she took him along when there was this much money involved.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he laughed, "but I'm the same as I've always been  only $25,000 richer."
     The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing  across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh, him," she answered, "I bet him $100,000 that by 11 o'clock this  morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."


After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you." "The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor. "The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam." "Great!" the man shouted, "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant," replied the doctor.

Did you know that if every single man, woman and child in China  all one billion of them  were to hold hands together around the equator more than half of them would drown?

Two lesbians were walking through a park when they saw a naked man lying in the grass. He was sporting a tremendous woodie. The first lesbian looked at the second and said, "Hey, look, if we find another one of these we can play horseshoes!"

Ernest, recently married, came home from work one day and discovered his supposed friend, Frank, in bed with Ernest's wife. "What are you doing?" yelled Ernest. "Listening to the radio," said Frank. "But I don't hear any music," said Ernest. Frank's answer was prompt, "That's because you're not plugged in like I am!"

A mouse walked into a pub, approached the bar, and sat on a stool. Looking down the bar he spotted a beautiful giraffe. "Hey bartender," the mouse said, "Send that cute giraffe at the end of the bar a drink on me". The bartender replied, "Listen buddy, every eligible man in the bar has tried to hit on that giraffe all night long. She just isn't interested. Save your money." But the mouse insisted, "Look pal, I know what I'm doing  just send the lady a drink." Not wanting to start a fight, the bartender did as he was told and, to his amazement, he noticed the mouse make eye contact with the giraffe.
The mouse moved down the bar and at on a stool next to the giraffe. They began to talk, and pretty soon they left the bar together. The next day, in walked the mouse, his clothes are a mess, his tail broken  he looked just awful. The bartender exclaimed, "Jesus Christ mouse! What the hell happened to you? You look like a drowned rat!" The mouse mumbled, "Well I'll tell ya' pal, between smoochin' and rootin' I must have run a thousand miles last night."

A homosexual walked into a bar and said to the bartender,in a rather feminine voice, "Where is everyone?" The bartender turns to the gay with a scowl and said, "Out back hanging a fag." Suddenly, in a very deep masculine voice, the gay replied, "No shit!"

While driving through a small town in Old Mexico, an American tourist blew out a tire. It was during the siesta, so when he arrived at the gas station a sign hanging in the door announced that the station was "Closed, come back soon!" The tourist looked behind the station and saw a Mexican sleeping in the shade of his burro. The sleeping Mexican being the only sign of life in the small town, the tourist walked over to him. "Pardon me!" said the tourist in typically tactful tourist fashion. Without even lifting his hat the little Mexican said, "It's siesta time senor."
     "What time is this siesta over?" demanded the tourist. The Mexican said, "At two o'clock, senor."   Starting to turn red, the tourist stammered, "And would you know what time it is NOW?" So the Mexican lifted his hat, looked at the Burro, puts his hand under it's balls, lifted slightly, and said, "Itz 1:30 senor." "You tell the time of day by holding that ass's balls in your hand?" the amazed tourist replied. "No senor the balls was in the way of the clock on the station's wall"

Mr. Bus Driver began his route in the usual way one morning, although the turnout was quite unique, here is his story: His bus was named the 'Sesame Street Bus'  possibly after the street he lived on or from another source somewhere in his youth. His first passengers for the day were two passen gers named Patty and Patty; yes, they were twins, and they were quite heavy.
     The next stop was Mr. Bus Driver's favorite as Ross got on and said hello. Though Ross was slow, he was a nice enough fellow. A new fellow who the driver hadn't met before was introduced at the third stop (for the driver as Lester Chin. Lester had a slight foot problem and after he got on the bus, he proceded to remove his shoes and pick at the corns on his feet which the bus driver ignored, possibly because he was pretty disgusted.
     It was near the end of the route, and the passengers were getting ready to disembark, when Mr. Bus Driver pulled up alongside a fellow busdriver.
"What have you got today?" the other bus driver asked. Mr. Bus Driver answered, "Two obese Pattys, special Ross, and Lester Chin picking bunyons on the Sesame Street bus ..."

"HELLLP!" the scream came from the bedroom. The man of the house ran to see what was the matter. Just as he entered his bedroom, he saw a guy leaping leaping out the window. His wife cried, "That guy just f**ked me twice!"
"Twice?" the husband wondered, "Why didn't you call me in after the first time?"
"Because," she replied "I thought it was you until he started for the second time ..."

Paddy went to the zoo to feed the monkies. He threw a monkey a peanut. The monkey picked up the peanut, stuck it in his ass, pulled it out, and ate it. Paddy thought this was rather unusual, so he threw the monkey another peanut. The monkey again picked up the peanut, stuck it in ass, pulled it out, and ate it. Paddy laughed as told the zookeeper, "Ooh boy, that's one stupid monkey!"
     The zookeeper watched the monkey's routine and replied, "No, that's a very smart monkey. Last week someone threw him a big peach and he ate it whole. He couldn't pass the pit, so now he measures everything first!"

Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father, Dirty Ernie senior, met for lunch.
"Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned.
"That's right," moaned Ernie junior, "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"
Dirty Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times.
"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
"Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."

Stopping at the first house on his famous ride, Paul Revere cried, "Is your husband home?" "Yes!" replied the woman. "Then tell him to get dressed so he can fight the British!" At the second, third and fourth houses he asked the same question, and got the same answer, and left the same instructions. At the fifth house he shouted, "Is your husband home?" "No!" came the reply, "He'll be gone all week." "Whoaaa!"

A little girl comes walking out of the bathroom and saw her mother making a cake. She said, "Mommy, can I lick the bowl?" Her mother replied, "Can't you just flush it like everyone else?"

Of Human Bandage - Florence Nightingale gets under your skin.
Fat On A Hot Tin Roof - Tennessee Williams' delightful solar cookbook.
Apocalypso Now - Harry Belafonte goes upriver.
Lord of the Fries - Ronald McDonald descends into savagery.
The Wind In the Pillows - Wellbred young bride writes of marital unhappiness with flatulent older husband.

The Worlds Great Religions Interpret the Philosophy "Shit Happens"
Taoism  - Shit happens.
Confucianism  - Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism  - If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen  - What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism  - This shit happened before.
Islam  Shit - happens by the will of Allah
Protestantism  - Let shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism  - If shit happens, it's your fault.
Judiasm  - Why does shit keep happening to us?
Paganism  - Shit happens and it's great fertilizer.

One night two vampire buddies were feeling hungry. One said to the other,"What do you feel like? Chinese?" The other said, "No, not filling enough." "Mexican?" "No, too spicy." "Italian?" "Sounds good ..." So they flew around until they found an Italian, came right down on him, and drank him dry. But they had to get rid of the body, so they flew out over a swamp and dropped the dead Italian in the murky waters.
     The next night, same thing. "Hungry?" "Yes." "Chinese?" "No." "Mexican?" "No" "Italian?" "Yes." They found another one and drank him dry. Afterwards, they flew the body over the same swamp, and dropped him. As they were flying away, one of the vampires said to the other, "Do you hear that singing?" "I don't hear any singing," replied the other. So they put the incident behind them and kept on flying.
     The next night same thing. "Hungry?" "Yes." "Chinese?" "No." "Mexican?" "No." "Italian?" "Yes." They found another Italian, drank him dry, fly the body over the same swamp, and dropped it. But this time as they flew away they both heard the singing, so they went back to check it out. They flew down and there, sitting on a rock in the center of the swamp, was an alligator singing "Drained wops keep falling on my head ..."

One sunday, a Mother Superior was walking in the convent garden when she saw a young novice surrounded by pigeons shouting, "Piss off! Piss off!"
"Sister!" the Mother Superior said sharply, "There is no need for such language. All you have to do is say, 'Shoo, shoo,' and they'll piss off."

The Seven Dwarfs were having an audience with the pope when Dopey raised his hand and said, "Excuse me? Your Holiness?"
The pope said, "Yes, my son? What can I do for you?"
Dopey said, "Are there nuns at the North Pole?"
The pope give it some thought and finally said, "No, I don't believe there are. It's very cold at the North Pole."
A little later in the audience, Dopey raised his hand again. "Your Holiness, I have another question."
"Yes, my son, what is it?"
"Do you have nuns at the south pole?" asked Dopey.
"Well, it's much colder there than it is at the North pole," said the pope. "I don't believe we have any clergy there." Dopey's face fell. "Oh," he said.
Then, from the back of the room, came a little voice: "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin ..."

St. Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a stroll. He soon noticed that the fence between Heaven and Hell was in need of repair. So St. Peter leaned over the fence and yelled at Lucifer, "This fence needs to be repaired! I'll see to it that you help pay for it ..."
Lucifer replied, "If you want it fixed YOU pay for it!"
St. Peter replied "The fence is your responsiblity too. You help pay for it, or I will sue you."
Lucifer laughed "Ha! Where do you think YOU are going to get a lawyer?!"

     One cold winter day, Paddy decided to go ice fishing. After setting up his shack, he started chipping through the ice. Suddenly, he heard a booming voice say, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Paddy looks around, but saw no one. He continued chipping away at the ice. Again he heard, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Looking around, the petrified Paddy still saw no one. He shouted, "Is that you, God?" The booming voice responded, "THIS IS THE ARENA MANAGER ... THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

A city dude walked into a cowboy bar with a cat under one arm, a six shooter on his hip and a bucket of shit in one hand. He walked up to the bar and set down the cat and the bucket.
"May I please have a beer," he said to the bartender.
So the bartender gave the dude a draft. The dude proceeded to take a big swig, set down the glass, pick up the cat, bite off its left ear, pull a sixgun and BANG!!! shoot a hole in the bucket of shit.
Even in the flybitten, dusty, trail bar that was something new  the bartender couldn't believe what he saw!
The dude took another gulp of brew, bit off the cat's right ear, pulled the gun and BANG!!! shot the bucket of shit again.
The bartender was astounded! The dude took a third swig of beer, picked up the cat, bit off it's tail, pulled the gun and BANG!!! he put a third hole in the shit bucket.
The bartender had to say something. "Hey, you, green horn!" he yelled, "What in tarnation do you think you're doin?"
The dude replied "Well, my good man, I want to be like you rough and tumble fron tiersmen:
I came to this fine emporium to drink beer, shoot shit and eat pussy ..."

A priest and a rabbi, long time friends, were having lunch together one day. Downing a forkful of fish, the priest asked the rabbi, "Sam, in all your entire life, do you mean to tell me that you have never ONCE tasted pork? Be honest with me!"
The rabbi answered, "Well, Pat, since you ask me: Once, back when I was a young man, I was with some friends when we were served some bacon and eggs. I had a taste of bacon at that time."
"Aha! So you see what you've been missing!?" "But you? Pat, did you ever, ever, have sexwith a woman?"
"Well, it was back when I was a newly ordained priest. I had a beautiful, young parishioner who approached me with troubles. One thing led to another, and we ended up having sex together."
"Better than pork, isn't it?"

One sunday a drunk staggered into a church while Mass was going on. The priest couldn't help but notice him bumping into one pew after another as he made his way down the side aisle. The drunk finally made it to to confessional and closed the door. After mass the priest took his position on the other side of the confessional. The drunk sat silently for about 5 minutes.
Realizing that he would have to break the silence, the priest asked "Can I help you, my son?"
Startled, the drunk replied, "HUH? Oh yeah, do you have any paper on your side?"

One night a drunk stopped a cab and asked the cabbie, "Do you have room (hic) for three sixpacks (hic) and a large pizza?" "Yeah, buddy, sure do," replied the cabbie. So the drunk threw up in the back seat.

A Norwegian, an Irishman and a German were sentenced to be electrocuted. First, the Irishman was strapped in the chair and the switch was pushed. Nothing happened, so the Irishman was freed. Same thing happened to the German. As the Norwegian was lead into the room, the prison guard remarked, "Sure has been a lucky day for those two guys." Said the Norwegian, "Vell I should say so, becoss I can see the plug has come out of the socket under the chair."

After twenty years, the aggie finally graduated from college. Deciding to put his hard won knowledge into use, he started raising chickens. The first week he went to the hatchery and bought 200 chicks. The next week he came back and bought 200 more. The third week, the same thing. Curious, the hatchery man asked why the aggie came in every week to order 200 more chicks. "Wahl," drawled the aggie, "Something seems to be wrong. Either ahm planting them too deep  or too close together ..."

An Irishman sat in a pub drinking beer all afternoon. The bartender was getting concerned because the Irishman hadn't gotten up. Finally, after his 5th pitcher of beer, the Irishman got up very slowly and headed for the back door. The bartender followed him to the alley where the Irishman prepared to relieve himself. "Hey!" shouted the bartender, "You can't do that in here!" "I'm not gonna do it HERE," slurred the Irishman, "I'm gonna do it waaaaaay over there ..."

An elderly man decided to march to the altar at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely young thing just out of high school. His friends cautioned him about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of his wedding night could prove to be fatal. "Well," said the old man, "that's a chance I'll have to take ... If she dies, she dies."

The rich exaggie reluctantly sent his son to Rice. In his first year the son got a girl in trouble, so the fast thinking lad sent his dad a letter, saying that a professor at Rice could teach Ol' Yeller to talk for $1,000. Impressed, the exaggie sent the money and Ol' Yeller to his son. A few months later, the son committed the same indiscretion so he wrote his dad a letter, saying the professor wanted to teach the dog to read. Again the exaggie came through with the money. At the end of the year, the rich exaggie met his son at the backyard heliport. Lo and behold, there was the son, but no Ol' Yeller!
"Where's thuh dawg, son?" inquired the rich Texan.
"Yah know, Paw," said the son, "two nights ago Ol' Yeller and I were having a chat while he was reading thuh paper. I said it sure would be good to come bak home, and Ol' Yeller said 'Yeah, I miss the ranch too.' And he said he wondered if the old man was still fooling around with the French maid. And you know, Paw, I got so mad at that remark that I reached over and choked that old dawg. Before I could control myself, Ol' Yeller had died."
Quickly the exaggie leaned forward and anxiously whispered in his son's ear, "Are you sure that dawg is dead, son?"

MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. Mac Dougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"

The irishmam got married and on his wedding night the bride disrobed and suggested he 'get aboard.' The bride was asleep by the time the irishman got back from the lumberyard.

Three yuppers were discussing their preferences in female company. The first one extolled the attractions of Marilyn Monroe. The second said that only Raquel Welch could possibly be ideal for him. The third yupper protested that while Marilyn and Raquel had their good points, he would have to hold out for Virginia Pippaleeny. "Who is she?" the first two yuppers asked. "Well," said the third yupper, "I read about her in da paper today," as he held up the newspaper headline reading "SIX MEN DIE LAYING VIRGINIA PIPELINE."

One night the local lothario took out the one girl nobody had gotten to before. On the way back from dinner he took a detour to the lover's lane. After parking he turned to her and said, "Hey, you ever seen a prick?" The girl got all wideeyed and asked, "No, what's a prick?" "I'll show you," said the lothario as he unzipped and whipped out his pride and joy. "THAT is a prick," he said proudly. "Oh," said the girl, "it's just like a cock, only smaller."

A man in Paris was arrested and charged with freakin' a dead woman. He hired a good lawyer and managed to get released.  His lawyer convinced the judge that the man didn't know the woman was dead, he thought she was British.

Three old nuns, back from long missions to primitive lands, were walking along the street and one was describing with her hands the tremendous coconuts she'd seen in the South Pacific. The second on, also with her hands, described the huge bananas she'd seen in Central America. The third nun, a little deaf, asked, "Father Who?"

Three nuns stopped at the holy water on their way into a church. The first nun said, "I have to rinse my eyes with holy water because I looked at a penis." The second nun said "I have to wash my hands because I actually TOUCHED a man's penis." Whereupon the third nun said "Move over sisters, I've got to gargle".

One day a grade school teacher asked her students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim,"  she said, "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and said proudly, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you Amy?"said the teacher.  
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet, and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you Amy. What about your father Ernie?" said the teacher.  
Dirty Ernie jumped up and proudly announced "My father plays piano in a whorehouse!"
The teacher was shocked and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Dirty Ernie's house and rang the bell. Ernie Senior answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Ernie Senior replied, "I'mactually a lawyer, but how can you explain a thing like that to a seven year old?"

One sunday the Mother Superior called all the nuns together. "You know," she said, "I found a used condom in the here last night."
All the nuns were surprised, except one.
They went, "Uhhhhh?" She went "Hee hee hee."
The Mother Superior continued, "That means there was a man here last night."
"Uhhhhh?" said the nuns. "Hee hee hee," went the lone nun.
Again the Mother Superior continued "You all know that's against the rules."
Again all the went "Uhhhhh?" Again the lone nun laughed.
Finally, the MOther Superior concluded, "And worst of all, the condom has a hole in it."
All the nuns went 'Hee hee hee!' while the lone nun said "Uhhhhh?"

A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up pregnant. Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floorlength habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth. And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.
     After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter. Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the predawn hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.
     At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"

Just before the big wedding day a groom's friends decided to throw him a stag party.
After many drinks, a naked girl jumped out of the big cake and started dancing with the groom. The inebriated groom soon fell and broke his woody on the floor. His buddies rushed him to the hospital where adoctor examined the groom's injury. The doctor concluded that the groom had, in layman's terms, fractured his penis.
"Doc! Doc! That can't be true! I'm getting married tommorow; what about my honeymoon?"
"Well Mr. Smith, the only thing that I can do is splint it. The swelling should go down in a couple of days."
     And the doctor proceeded to take four tongue depressors, placing one on each side of the groom's now crooked penis, and taped around the whole affair to keep it all in place. The next day, the wedding went off without a hitch. When the newlyweds got to the hotel that night, the groom quickly excused himself into the bathroom. After an hour, he finally emerged from the bathroom with his pajama bottoms on  he still was not sure what to say.
     As he entered the bedroom he was greeted by the sight of his new bride lying spread eagled on the bed. "Here you go sweetheart," she cooed, "Pure untouched virgin wool  Unseen by any man except you." "You think yours is new," he said whipping off his pajama bottoms, "Mine is so new it's still in the crate!"

A man was golfing, and everything was going the usual way for his game, when he came to the 16th hole and had a hole in one! As he reached in the hole to get his ball, out came a genie. The genie said "I grant you one wish."
     The man didn't take long to make his request, "I'd like to have the the biggest cock in the world."  POOF! His cock became so long that it dragged behind him two feet. He was so stunned by this that he couldn't go on with his golf game. He went back to the clubhouse dragging his cock behind him. Everyone in the clubhouse stared at him as he made his way to see the pro.
     "Look what happened to me on the 16th hole!" he yelled at the club pro. After explaining to the pro what had caused his elongated 'putter,' the golfer asked the pro what he thought he could do to remedy the situation.
     "Why don't you take this bucket of balls and go back to the 16th hole and try to get another hole-in-one. Maybe then you'll get the genie back and he can help you." So off the golfer went to the 16th hole. After hours of hitting balls and not even coming close to getting a hole-in-one, lightning finally struck twice. Just as the golfer reached in to retrieve his golf ball, out popped the genie.
     "Don't tell me," said the genie, "I think I know what you want this time. You want your cock shrunk back to normal, right?"
     "No!" the golfer replied, "I want you to make my legs longer!"

A yuppie was driving his BMW on a windy mountain road when an oncoming car took a turn wide and clipped the left side of his car. His arm, which had been hanging out the window, was cut off. The yuppie stopped, jumped from his car and began screaming, "My BMW! My BMW!" A passing trucker stopped to help and noticed the yuppie's laments. "Hey buddy!" the trucker shouted, "Can't you see your arm's been torn off?" The yuppie paused, noticed the trucker was correct and began shouting, ""My Rolex! My Rolex!"

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" the lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in the lawyer had an idea. He quickly picked up the phone and shouted into it "... and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!"
     Slamming the phone down, he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones, "Good Morning, what can I do for you?" "I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone."

A man approached a stunning blonde at a party. After introducing himself and engaging in some friendly conversation, he asked her, "Would you be willing to sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?"
The woman was taken aback by the question, but after a few minutes' thought replied, "Yes, I think I would."
The man then asked her, "Well then, would you sleep with me for fifty dollars?"
The woman was shocked and replied indignantly, "What do you think I am?!"
"We've established that," the man said, "Now we're negotiating the price!"

At the turn of the century, a cowboy was riding across the New Mexico desert heading for Phoenix. He rode over a hill and saw an Indian lying on the ground, naked with a hard on. Being a curious type, the cowboy rode over to the Indian and asked just what he was doing. The Indian replied, "Me tellum time."
     The cowboy was doubtful that the Indian could really tell the time, so he asked, "What time is it?" The Indian replied that it was 10:15 in the morning. The cowboy pulled out his pocket watch and sure enough it was exactly 10:15! The stunned could do nothing but continue his ride west. That afternoon the cowboy saw another Indian lying on the ground, naked with a hard on. He rode up and asked "Injun, what are you doing laying there on the ground?"
The second Indian replied, "Me tellum time."
     The cowboy was sure that this one was lying, but to humor him he said, "Okay, what time is it?" The second indian said was about 3:45 in the afternoon. The cowboy again looked at his pocket watch and sure enough it was exactly 3:45! The now incredulous cowboy continued his ride west. Near sunset the cowboy spied yet another Indian laying on his back. But this third indian was vigorously masturbating.
     The cowboy rode up to him and said "I know you ain't telling the time, so just what in tarnation do you think you're doing?"
     The third Indian replied, "Me no tellum time  me windum clock!"

Three travelling salesmen had car trouble out in Kansas, so they walked to a farmer's house. "The nearest gas station with a phone is 50 miles from here," said the farmer, "but you can stay tonight in the guest room  just don't stick your dicks in the three holes your bathroom wall."
     The salesmen agreed, and went to their room. That night curiosity got the better of them.The first salesman went for it. "Wow, this is great! It's the best I've ever had!" moaned the first salesman. Hearing this, the second guy stepped up next to the first and stuck his dick in the second hole. After a few strokes, the second salesman said, "It's not great, but better than nothin'." Hearing this the third salesman had to check things out for himself. The third salesman had no sooner stuck his dick in the third hole than he began screaming uncontrollably. In less than a minute, the farmer burst into their room. The first salesman asked the farmer what was in the holes.
"Well," replied the farmer, "the first one is my daughter, the second one is my cow, and the third one is my milking machine  but don't worry, it cuts off after 55 gallons ..."

On their wedding night, Bob and Alice were in the honeymoon suite getting undressed for the big occiasion. Bob turned to Alice and said, "I have to be honest with you sweetheart, I have never done this before"
     Alice replied "Don't worry Bob; I'll guide you through it." So Alice laid on the bed and parted her legs. Pointing to her womanhood, Alice told Bob to insert his penis here when it gets hard. Bob looked at Alice, and said, "No way! My grandmother told me to stay away from those things 'cause they got teeth and they bite!"
     Alice laughed, and said, "Oh, they do not! Here, take a real close look. Do you see any teeth in there?"  Bob got real close and took a long, hard, look. Lifting his head, he replied, "Of course there's no teeth in there, what did you expect with those rotten gums?"

A irish couple got married. On their wedding night they couldn't figure out how to have sex. So the woman said to her husband, "Dear, go to the doctor tomorrow and ask him how we can have sex." The next day the irishman went to the doctor and said, "Doc, how do my wife and I have sex?" The doctor told him, "Son, I want you to go home and stick the longest thing you've got up the hairiest thing she's got." That night the irishman went home and practiced what the doctor recommended  he stuck his nose up her armpit.

An aggie decided to celebrate his latest gusher by going to the nearest bar. When he walked in, the aggie noticed a stunning young woman at the end of the bar; he asked the bartender to send her a drink. The bartender warned the aggie, "You don't want to get involved with her." "Why not?" said the aggie. "Because she's a Lesbian!" the bartender said. "That don't bother me!" exclaimed the aggie as he made his way to young woman's table. Taking a seat, he asked her, "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"

Having just finished his meal, the restaraunt customer was eagerly looking forward to enjoying a good cup of coffee before he left. As the waiter returned from the kitchen, the customer noticed that the waiter was holding the cup in such a way that his thumb curled over the rim of the cup and was actually submerged in the brew. The customer was irate, exclaiming, "What the hell are you doing with your thumb in my coffee?!" The waiter looked surprised, and somewhat embarassed, and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but I have arthritis in my thumb  really bad, you see  and I wasn't even conscious of having my thumb in your coffee. The warmth, you see, makes it feel SO much better and ..." The customer cut the babbling waiter off, "If it's warmth you want, why don't you just stick your thumb up your ass?!" The waiter replied, "Oh, I do  when I'm in the kitchen!"

One day a man was playing golf by himself. He hit a tee shot into a sand trap. While looking for his ball, he unearthed an antique lamp. He dusted it off and a genie appeared. With a raised hand, the golfer stopped the genie, saying, "I don't want anything. I'm happy with life as it is." No matter what the genie said, the golfer could not be convinced to make even one wish. The golfer played on, but the genie, having much experience in these matters, knew what every man wants. The genie gave the golfer health, wealth and a great sex life. A year later, the same man hit his golf ball into the same sand trap. Looking for his ball, he again found the lamp. As soon as the golfer picked up the lamp, the genie appeared. The man again stopped the genie.
The genie said, "Then, sir, please grant ME a wish and answer some questions."
The golfer agreed. "How is your health?" asked the genie.
"Unusually good this past year," said the man.
Feeling better, the genie asked, "How about your finances?"
"I won the lottery several months ago," said the golfer.
"Excellent!" beamed the genie, "And how is your love life?"
"Not that it is any of your business," said the man, "But I get it about twice a week."
"Is that all?" asked the disappointed genie.
"Well," said the golfer, "I don't know about you, but I think that is pretty darn good for a priest in a small parish!"

Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood decided to visit her grandmother. Red took a basket with everything she needed and set out on her trip through the forest. While she was happily skipping along the forest trail, she came across a very friendly squirrel. When the squirrel learned that she was on her way to see her grandmother, the squirrel said, "But you have to be very, very careful! The Big Bad Wolf is looking for you and he says that he will lick your titties! "
     Little Red told the squirrel, "I'm not afraid, besides, I have a gun in my basket!" A little further down the trail, Red came across a rabbit. The rabbit told her the same thing. "Don't go to your grandmothers house, because the Big Bad Wolf will be waiting for you and he wants to lick your titties!"
     Little Red told the rabbit, "I'm not afraid, besides, I have a gun in my basket!" Little Red Riding Hood skipped on down the forest trail. When she got to her grandmother's house she met the Big Bad Wolf. He said, "Hello there, Red! I'm glad you are here, because I'm going to lick your titties!"
     Little Red looked bravely at the Big Bad Wolf and said, "I have a gun in my basket, your not going to lick my titties! You are going to do like the book said and you are going to EAT ME!"

Have you heard about ...
The helicopter with an ejection seat.
The submarine with a screen door.
The solar powered nightlight.
The condom with air holes.
The government efficiency.
The infatable dart board.

Yesterday I looked out my backyard into my neighbor's backyard and I saw a penguin walking around the yard. So, I called my neighbor and said, "Do you know that you have a penguin in your back yard?" He said, "Yes, I know; what do you think I should do about it?" I said, "Why don't you take it to the zoo." The next day I looked out my backyard again and the penguin was still in my neighbor's backyard, so I called him up again and said, "Hey, I thought you took that penguin to the zoo?" He said, "I did, and we had so much fun that today I am taking him to the beach ..."

A preacher was giving a lecture on temperance to an unruly audience in anOld West mining camp. "Look," he said, "I put a worm in a glass of water and it's still alive. I put another worm in a glass of alcohol and it died right away. What does that tell you?" "Easy," responded a voice from the back,  "If you don't want worms, drink liquor!"

7 MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMEN'S LIFE
Doctor -  because he says, "Take off all your clothes."
Dentist - because he says, "Open wide."
Milkman - because he says, "Do you want it in front or back?"
Hairdresser - because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Interior decorator - because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it."
Banker -  because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
Engineer -  because he says, "Don't worry, I'll stretch it to fit."

President Bush called Dan Quayle into his office. Bush said, "Dan, I want you to go on a fact finding mission to Central America." "Ok," Dan replied. So, Dan went back to his office and said to his secretary, "Will you please book me a flight to Ohio?"

It is said that woman is the greatest thing that God ever created; then why did he have to give her a mouth and ruin it all?

Dirty Ernie had been picking up some bad language by hanging out at the construction site down the street. His mother was very upset by this and asked Ernie Senior to reprimand him. "I heard you've been using some pretty bad language son," said Ernie Senior, "Go get me a switch." Dirty Ernie replied, "F**k you, thats the electrician's job!"

Fred was worried about going to the doctor for an examination. He wasn't looking forward to the prostate exam so he asked a friend, Bob, who had recently had one, what it was like. "Not that bad," said Bob, "The doctor asked me to drop my pants and bend over the table. Then he put his hand on my hip and stuck this long ... Hey! He had both hands on my hips ..."

I heard the other day that Buddha walked up to a hotdog stand and asked if they could make him One with Everything.

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a posi tion as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
     The physicist was interviewed next, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards, and many calculations, he also announced "Four."
     The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked, "How much do you want it to be?"

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a lowgrade Motel type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palacial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somehwat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accomodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."

A man visited his doctor and complained of feeling bad. Because there were no apparent medical problems, the doctor gave the patient a thorough exam; he found nothing wrong. After thinking on the situation for a few minutes, the doctor asked the patient about his diet. "Tell me what you typically eat for breakfast," the doctor said.
"Oh, a pound of bacon, a dozen eggs, a loaf of toasted bread, two or three pots of coffee. And maybe six or seven dounuts if I'm really hungry."
"That's a pretty big breakfast," the doctor said. "What do you eat for lunch?"
"Nine or ten hamburgers, four or five milkshakes, and a pie or two."
The doctor was amazed. "And what do you have for dinner?"
"That's my big meal," said the patient. "I usually have three or four helpings of salad, four or five steaks, five or six baked potatoes, eight or nine dinner rolls and five or six pots of coffee."
The doctor shook his head and said, "Drop your pants again; then turn around and bend over." The man did so and after the doctor looked closely he told the guy, "There's your problem! You have only one asshole ..."

Three men  Myron the lawyer, Vinnie the teamster, and J.D. the aggie  proposed marriage to an eligible young lady. Mary couldn't decide which proposal to accept (Myron had a prestigious job, Vinnie was a manly man, and J.D. the aggie was filthy rich), so she told them, "We'll have a con test. I'll marry whoever brings me the most pingpong balls."
     A couple of days later, Myron the lawyer came back with an attache case full of ping pong balls. "Would you please marry me, please?" Myron begged.
     Mary was about to accede to Myron when they heard a rumble outside. Vinnie the teamster huffed into Mary's apartment and threw open the curtain. There, on the lawn, were his buddies unloading crate after crate of pingpong balls from a huge semi. "Yo," growled Vinnie, "Why don't youse marry me?"
     Totally surprised, Mary told Vinnie the teamster, "Well it looks like it's going to be you and me, but I want to be fair; we have to wait for J.D." It was a long wait. Several months later, J.D. the aggie showed up. His clothes were in rags, his body a mass of cuts and bruises, but J.D. was carrying two HUGE round objects on his shoulders.
"What happened to you?" Mary asked J.D. "I waited all this time," she cried, "and you didn't even bring me any ping pong balls!"
"Pingpong balls?" said J.D. the aggie, "I thought you said King Kong's balls ..."

Three recently deceased college graduates, one from Harvard, one from Baylor and the last from Texas A&M, showed up at the Pearly Gates. The Gates were in desperate need of repair, so St. Peter asked the three potential angels to make a bid on the repair project. Since they all agreed, St. Peter gave each of them a copy of the specs and said, "Study them overnight and have your bids ready in the morning."
The next morning, St. Peter asked the three, "What are your bids?"
The aggie bid $3,000.
"What's the breakdown?" St. Peter asked.
"A thousand for labor, a thousand for materials, and a thousand for overhead and profit," replied the aggie.
St. Peter jotted down the figures and asked the Harvard man, "What's your bid?"
After the Harvard man replied "Six thousand" St. Peter asked him for the breakdown.
"Two for labor, two for material and two for overhead and profit."
St. Peter, frowning at the second bid, turned to the Baylor grad and asked, "Can you do any better?"
"Nine thousand," said the Baylor grad.
"NINE thousand?!" thundered St. Peter, "What is YOUR breakdown?"
The Baylor grad confidently replied, "Three for you, three for me and three to get the aggie to do it."

A pilot and a blind guy went up in an airplane. Unfortunately, the pilot had a heart attack and died. The blind guy radioed, "Mayday, Mayday!" to the tower. "We have a dead pilot, I'm blind, and we're flying upside down!" "How do you know you're upside down if you're blind?" the tower asked. "Because the shit's running down my collar!"

Early one spring, a saleswoman's car broke down in the middle of Northern Michigan. After miles of walking, she found a farmhouse with two men sitting on the front porch.
"My car broke down; can I stay here tonight?" the sales woman asked the yuppers.
"No problem," said Sven. "But you have to do a favor for us, eh?" said Ole.
The saleswoman agreed, adding "But you have to wear these rubbers to keep me from getting pregnant." So the night passed, and all concerned had a great amount of fun. The next day the sales woman got her car fixed and continued on her way. That fall, while they were cutting wood, Sven turned to Ole and asked, "You know, what do we care if that lady gets pregnant, eh?"
"You know Sven," replied Ole, "I think you're right. Why don't we take the rubbers off?"

A grandfather went to visit his collegeage grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very highheeled shoe nailed over the doorway. "In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes." "But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that is a whore's shoe ..."

Three friends got together and went to Mexico for a holiday. While they were there they were picked up for buying and smoking pot and were sent before a firing squad. The Federales lined up the three young Texans and put blindfolds on them. The boy from Rice thought 'I must do something to get out of this,' so he jerked off his blindfold and yelled, "Tornado!" When the firing squad looked up, he ran away. The boy from Houston, not thinking quite as quickly, jerked off his blindfold and yelled, "Cyclone!" When the firing squad looked up, he ran away also. The aggie heard all this going on and thought 'This will really fool them,' so he jerked off his blindfold and yelled, "Fire!"

Did you hear about the aggie that shot his dog? He heard that his best friend was screwing his wife!

One fall, a group of gays went duck hunting in Canada. After shooting several ducks, a game warden jumped out of the woods and asked the gays for their hunting licenses. After showing the gays displayed the required documents, the warden picked up a duck, stuck his finger up the its ass, and announced, "You know this is a wood duck? You got a wood duck hunting license, eh?"
     When one hunter produced a wood duck hunter's license, the game warden stuck his finger up another duck's ass and announced, "This is a mallard. You got a mallard hunting license, eh?" As another hunter produced his mallard hunter's license, he asked the warden, "Why am I being subjected to this abuse?"
"Where you from, hoser?" asked the warden.
Whereupon the hunter turned around, bent over, and lisped, "Stick your finger up there and find out for yourself."

Two fags havin a chat ...
Bruce: Guess what? I've given up smoking!
Lance: Oh Yeah? What do you do now, instead?
Bruce: I suck lifesavers.
Lance: Thats okay for you  you live close to the beach.

A woman was unable to conceive, so she went to her doctor. The doctor told her about the latest medical discovery, and told her to swallow three ball bearings. The very next day, the woman got pregnant. Not only was she preggers, but she was expecting triplets! Nine months later, she had two daughters and a son one for each ball bearing. Twelve years after that, the first daughter came running up to her and said, "Mommy mommy, I was doing a pee in the toilet, and a little ball bearing fell out!"
     The mother thought that her daughter had started menstruating, so she replied, "Don't
worry. I know all about it, and everything will be fine."
     A week after that, the second daughter came running up to her mother and said, "Mommy mommy, I was doing a pee in the toilet, and a little ball bearing fell out!"
The mother thought that her second daughter was also becomming a woman, so she replied, "Don't worry. I know all about it, and everything will be fine."
     A week after that, the only son came running up to his mother and said, "Hey mom ..." The mother interrupted, and said, "Don't tell me ... You were going to the bathroom, and a little ball bearing fell out?"
"No, I was upstairs playing with myself and I shot the cat!"

If American ships bear the intials 'USS', standing for "United States Ship," and if a British ship's name starts with 'HMS', for "Her Majesty's Ship," what does the Italian designation 'DMB' stand for? (Answer: "Datsa my boat")

A young woman was talking with her mother. "Mom, I lost my virginity last week," said the daughter. "I'm not suprised, honey," replied her mother, "I just hope it was a wonderful and romantic experience for you." "Well," said the daughter, "it felt good at first, but after the 7th or 8th guy, it started to hurt!"

A high school history teacher giving a pop quiz to her class ...
"Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me death'?"
Akito, the class brain, stood and politely replied, "Nathan Hale, 1776."
"Very good, Akito!" said the teacher. "Now, who said 'We shall have peace with honor'?"
Again, Akito replied. "Richard Nixon, 1975," he said.
"Very good, again, Akito. Class, don't you feel just a little uncomfortable knowing that this
child of immigrant parents knows so much about United States history?"
From the back of the room came the cry, "Screw the Japanese!"
"Harry S. Truman, 1945."

(MY DOG "Sex")
Usually, everyone who has a dog either calls it 'Rover' or 'Fifi' or some thing. I called mine 'Sex.' Well, 'Sex' is a very embarrassing name. One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A cop came along and asked me what I was doing in this alley at 4:00 A.M. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to city Hall to get a dog licence for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." And he said, "I don't care how she looks." Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was two years old." He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex is a big part of my life my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk, "I want a room for my wife and a special room for Sex." The clerk said, "Every room in the motel is for Sex." Then I said, "You don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night." And the clerk said, "Me, too." One day I told my friend that I had Sex on T.V. He said, "Showoff." I told him it was a contest and he told me I should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said,
"Your  honor, I had Sex before I was married." And the Judge said. "Me, too." When I told him that after I was married Sex left me, he said, "Me, too." Well, now I've been thrown  in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist and she said, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely." The doctor said, "Look. You and I both  know that Sex isn't man's best friend  So GET YOURSELF A DOG!"