Three old Jewish men were sitting around a table eating lunch, when the first one said, "Oy vay!I sent my son out into the world, and he came back a Christian!" The second and third ones comforted the first  afterall, they too had suffered similar tragedies. All of a sudden a deep voice boomed from the clouds,"Wouldn't ya' know? The samething happened to me ..."

I saw in today's paper that skirts are getting shorter and shorter. If so, it will echo the '60s. First there were miniskirts, then microskirts. I can't wait for airplane skirts. Those are ones where you can see the cockpit.

An anthropologist was deep in the Amazon jungle. He and his native guide stopped at a remote village. As they were drinking water from gourds, the anthropologist saw a beautiful young girl walk out of a hut. The sun danced off the glistening tops of her breasts and her smile was captivating. "Who's that?" asked the anthropologist.
"Unh, that daughter of chief," replied the guide.
"Damn," replied the anthropologist, who had been in the jungle for many months, "I'd sure like to eat her!"
To which the guide replied, "Unh, me too."

Two midgets were talking. "How was your vacation at that nude ranch?" asked the first.  "Strange," replied the second, "At first I thought I was in Iraq. From my angle everyone looked like Saddam Hussein ..."

A woman went to visit her therapist. As they were talking, the therapist noticed she had a chipped tooth. "How did that happen?" asked the therapist.
"Do you remember that vibrator you gave me?" asked the woman. "Well, I chipped a tooth practicing."

"Does your wife talk to you while she's having sex?" the therapist asked his patient. "Sure," said the man, "Once, she even called me from a motel."

An irishman, walking down the street, stopped to help a delivery man struggling with a package. After fifteen minutes, they were both exhausted. "I guess we better give up; We'll never get that package on the truck," said the delivery man. "On the truck?" replied the dumbfounded irishman. "I thought you were trying to get it off!"

One day Miss Smith told her class, "Today we're going to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence. Nancy?"  Nancy said, "The sky is definitely blue."
Miss Smith corrected her, "No  sometimes it's overcast and the sky is gray. And at night the sky is black. The sky isn't definitely blue. Lenny?"
Lenny said, "Ummm ... the grass is definitely green."
Miss Smith corrected Lenny also, "No  sometimes the grass is dead and brown. The grass isn't definitely green."
So Dirty Ernie jumped up and asked, "When you fart does it ever have lumps in it?"
Miss Smith, taken somewhat aback, stuttered, "Heavens, no!"
So Ernie replied, "Then I definitely shit my pants!"

One day Marshal Dillon saw a cowboy dunking an old women's head in a horse trough! The Marshal got upset and went over where this was happening. "You best stop that, boy!" he warned, "Tain't nice what you're doing there!"
The cowboy replied, "Mind your own business. This is MY mother and I'll do what I want ..."
The cowboy continued to slam the women's head in the dirty horse trough. Marshal Dillon was getting seriously pissed, "Look here, boy, I'm gonna have to run you in, you don't stop that!" Fixing the Marshal with a withering glare, the cowboy replied, "Mind your own damn business! She's my mother and I'll do what I want!"
     By this time the Marshall was very pissed  he hadn't had someone talk to him like that since he was a wetbehindthe ears deputy. He started towards the unruly cowboy, trying to slap the cuffs on him, when the cowboy let go of the elderly woman and punched the Marshall right between the eyes! As soon as the stunned Marshal hit the ground, the cowboy jumped on his horse and galloped out of town. Marshall Dillon wobbled to his feet and yelled, "Come back here, you copsocking mother dunker!"

A British colonel was walking down the street in London when he saw a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in the gutter playing a mouth organ. A sign beside the guy read, Victim of Falklands War."
"Bloody disgraceful, what," said the colonel, "the way the country treats its veterans!" So saying, he pulled out his wallet, peels off two fifty pound notes and dropped them in the guy's hat. The guy looked up and says, "Mucho gracias, senor."

On a shopping trip to Green Bay, the "Big City," a yupper bought a 24piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished. "Look what I done, Ole," he said proudly to a visiting neigh bor.
"That's surely somethin', Sven. How long it take you?"
"Only two weeks," replied Sven.
"Never done a puzzle myself," Ole said, "Is two weeks fast?"
"Darn tootin'," Sven said, "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four years' ..."

Two construction workers were working on the 58th floor of a new highrise. One of them looked at the other and said, "I'll be right back  I have to go take a piss."
     His buddy said, "Hang on a minute. By the time you get the elevator up here, go all the way down to the street, find a portashitter, and get back, it's going to take at least a thirty minutes. Why don't we get that board over there, push it part of the way over the edge, I'll stand on this end, and you walk out and let loose."
     The construction worker who was turning yellow immediately agreed. As he was standing on the board relieving himself, the phone rang and the guy standing on the board stepped off to answer it. At the inquest to his coworker's death, the worker was very distraught and was unable to assist in what happened. The police started asking for witnesses when a little old lady walked up and said, "I saw him fall, officer. I think it may have some to do with some kind of homosexual act!"
"That's a pretty serious accusation ma'am," the cop sternly replied, "What makes you say that?" The old lady replied, "Well, as he was falling, all the way down he was holding on to his penis, screaming 'Where did that little cocksucker go?'"

Then there was the guy whose roommate caught him pouring beer in his hand. "What are you doing?" he asked. "I wanna score tonight," the roommate with the beer replied, "so I'm getting my date drunk."

The doctor told his patient "I have bad news and worse news for you, what do you want to hear first?" The patient replied, "What's the bad news?" The doctor said, "Your tests have come back and we've determined that you only have two days to live." The man exclaimed, "Oh my God! What could be worse news than that?" The doctor replied, "We've been looking for you for the last fortyeight hours ...

I used to be into S & M, bestiality, and necrophilia, but then I realized I was just beating a dead horse ...

Dirty Ernie: "Mom, I didn't know you could take apart a nurse."
Mom:  "What do you mean?"
Dirty Ernie: "I heard dad telling Mr. Smith 'I just screwed the ass off a  nurse!'."

The other day I was getting out a sweater and the label said it was made of 100% Virgin Acrylic, honest. What's virgin acrylic? Is it made out of vinyl flooring that never got laid?

A guy went to get a vasectomy (under general anesthesia). While the guy was asleep, the doctor mistakenly cut his nuts off. Seeing this, the nurse leaned over and told the doc,
"Just sew on two onions  he won't know the difference." So, the doctor did it and sent the guy on his way. A week later the guy came in for a checkup. He told the surgeon, "Doc, everything feels okay, but three strange things have happened since the operation."
     The doctor looked perplexed, and asked him to explain, The patient continued, "Everytime my wife gives me a blowjob she gets bad breath; everytime I pee, I want to cry, and every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hardon ..."

A guy walked into a bar and, with a very despondent look on his face, ordered a bourbon  straight up. The bartender set the drink down and, to his surprise, a little man just over a foot tall climbed out from under the customer's jacket and onto the bar. The customer groaned and just put his headdown on the bar in total frustration. The little man glared at the bartender, took a sip of the drink and spit it out on the bar.
"What the hell is this donkey piss you call bourbon, you fatbellied jerk!" the little man bellowe as he turned and swaggered down the top of the bar, kicking ashtrays out of his way and glaring at everyone. He stopped in front of another custo mer and said, "What are YOU lookin' at dicknose?!"
He glared at everyone in the bar again. The bartender looked at the guy that brought the little man in with him and growled, "Where the hell did you find him?" The despondent one sighed, "Its a long story ... I was vacationing in Ireland, found a fourleaf clover, and was given one wish. So, I wished for a 14" prickand ... well ... there he is."

After a hillbilly spent his first night with his new bride, he returned home the next day to his father. He said, "Paw, I had to kill my wife." His paw asked him why, to which his son replied that he discovered she was a virgin. His paw said, "You did good, son. If she ain't good enuf for her family then she ain't good enuf for ours."

After a long and particularly arduous cattle drive, a cowboy wandered into Dodge to get a hot meal, a beer, and a bath. The cowboy headed for the nearest restaurant to have dinner. The only vacant seat in the restaurant was next to a refined, educated and wealthy looking young lady of about twentyone years. He couldn't help but overhear her ordering.
"I'll have breast of virgin fowl  make sure it's virgin  catch it yourself and garnish it with onions  young spring onions. Then I'll have a cup of coffee not too strong and not too sweet. Oh yes, and waiter, PLEASE open the windows, I think I smell a horse  there must be a cowboy in the room."
     Completely pissedoff and not to be outdone, the cowboy placed his order: "I'll have a duck. A wellfucked duck. Fuck it yourself and garnish it with horse shit. Bring me a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss and fart the foam off. Yeah, and podnuh, knock the walls down  I smell women, there must be a whore in the house.

A wino was waiting for the city bus. He had a sudden, overwhelming, desire to shit. He looked down the street and saw his bus about five blocks away. There was no one around, so he dropped his pants and shit right on the side walk. He quickly pulled up his pants just as the bus arrived. The driver opened the door and the wino, trying to act casual, asked, "What's the fare to downtown?" The driver said, "A buck and a half for you, and seventy five cents for your kid brother."

Despite acts of great herosim, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. Their captain called them into his office to explain. "Bit of a cockup in the medals department, chaps," he said, "So the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which measurement for you?"
"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"
Taking out a tap measure, the Captain announced, "That's 720 pounds. Well done, private.
Corporal?"
"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstreched, sah!"
The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches  740 pounds. Very good, corporal.
Sergeant, how about you?"
"Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!" "Very well. Drop your trousers, then." The captain put his tape measure at the end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked,
"Where are your balls, sergeant?"
"Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"

One day St. Peter had to go on some very important business, so he left a minor saint in charge of the Pearly Gates and instructed him to get proof of identity before he let anyone in. So the minor saint was sitting around when Beethoven arrived. "You can't get in without proof," said the saint.
So Beethoven pulled up a piano and banged out his 9th symphony as it was really meant to be played.
"Okay," said the saint, "You're in."
A few light years later, up came Einstein. "Prove to me you're Albert Einstein," said the saint.
Einstein proceeded to thoroughly explain the theory of relativity.
"Okay," said the saint, "You're in."
Shortly thereafter, Dan Quayle came strolling along, wanting to be let through the gates of Heaven.
"I need proof of identity," said the saint.
"But," sputtered Quayle, "I was the vice presi dent of the United States!"
"Sorry," said the sympathetic saint," but every one needs proof. Even Beethoven and Albert Einstein needed proof."
"Who?" said Quayle.
"Okay," said the saint, "You're in."

A lady was in the stirrups at her gynecologist's office, having her annual checkup, when she heard the doctor talking to himself as he examined her: "My, what a big vagina! My, what a big vagina!"
The lady was, to put it mildly, a bit annoyed. Being the assertive type, she spoke up immediately: "Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's incredibly unprofessional of you to say something like 'My, what a big vagina' twice!"
"But I only said it once," replied the doctor.

Paddy's house was furiously burning down, surrounded by fire trucks and helpless firemen, and all Paddy could do is stand around and laugh, and laugh. So, his neighbor came over and said, "Paddy, your house is being burned down to the foundations and you're Laughing?" "Why not?" said Paddy with a chuckle, "I got enough wood in the attic to build another one."

Once there was a priest who was travelling quite some distance, so he stopped at a convent to seek lodging for the night. The nuns had an extra room, so they let the father come in and stay until morning. The next day, one of the young novices happened to be chatting with the Mother Superior.
"Did you know," said the novice, "that I have the Gateway to Heaven right here between my legs? And did you know that Father John has the key between his legs?!"
"The Key to Heaven?"said the Mother Superior, suddenly suspicious, "What does it look like?"
The novice described the 'key,' whereupon the Mother Superior cried, "He told ME it was Gabriel's Horn!"

Did you hear about the new birth control pill for men? You take it the day after and it changes your blood type!

Did you hear about the irishmen who drove there truck off a bridge one night? The driver broke the glass and got out, the two in the back drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There once was a three legged dog who walked into a bar and said, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

This swishytype of guy went to the doctor for his physical. He got undressed and waited for the doctor to begin. The doctor came over to him and pushed up on his right testicle and said, "Say sixtysix." The guy replied "Thixty thix."
The doctor then pushed up on his left testicle and said "Say sixty six."
The guy again said, "Thixty thix."
The doctor then prepared for the rectal exam by putting on a rubber glove and applying some vaseline to his finger. He had the guy bend over and then inserted his finger and instructed the guy to say sixtysix again. The guy replied "One, two, three ..."

One day, a young indian boy asked the medicine man how indians were named. The wise, old, medicine man replied "You named after first thing you see. After your sister born, your father look out teeppee and see deer running, so her name 'Running Deer.' After your brother born there big storm, so him name 'Thunder Head.' Why you want know Two Dogs Freakin'?"

   There was once a rich man who knew that, within a month, he would die of cancer. So he invited three of his best friends, an engineer, a doctor, a lawyer, to a bequest. The dying man said, "I have worked hard for my entire life, for money, and as such I have decided that I want to be buried with it. However, since the state prohibits all objects from being placed in the casket, except for the deceased and one set of clothing, I will need your help."  He continued, "Therefore, I will give each of you $1 million. On the day of the funeral, each of you will approach the casket and secretly throw the money into the casket." The three friends took the money and left. A month later, after the funeral, the three remaining friends gathered at a bar to drown their sorrow.
     The engineer broke the silence and said, "I have to confess. Times have been hard lately, so I kept $10,000 for myself. I can't believe that I was so weak, I'm truly sorry ..."
     The doctor, moved by his friend's confession, also spoke up. "I've also betrayed our friend's memory," he sobbed. "My wife wanted another BMW, so I took out $40,000 ..."
     After they settled down, both the engineer and the doctor looked at the lawyer, who had yet to reveal any indiscretions. The lawyer immediately got indignant at the stares he was getting and said, "Don't think that because I am a lawyer that I would rip him off like you two did."
He continued, "I did my part  I threw in a check for the full $1 million."

One day a indian squaw came across a new water well that had some of the best water that she had found. She collected some of the water and took it back to her husband.
The Squaw said, "I have found new well with good water. Have some."
Her husband responded, "Me very thirsty; let me taste water."
He gulped the water down and said, "Water very good, but strong brave husband still thirsty. Squaw fetch more water."
The squaw fetched more water from the new well, returned some time later, and said, "Here is more water for brave husband."
Her husband replied, "Big brave very thirsty," as he gulped down the water.
He then said, "Water very good, but strong brave still thirsty. Squaw fetch more water."
So the squaw went back to the well, returned some time later, and said to her husband, "I could not get more water for brave husband."
Her husband responded, "Why is that? Has new well already gone dry?"
The squaw replied, "No, white man sitting on well."

Harold suspected his wife of playing around on the side, so one day he took the afternoon off and comes home extra early. He entered his apartment, which was on the 3rd floor, and started looking around. Upon entering the bedroom he found his wife laying in bed. On her nightstand was a lit cigarette. In the ashtray on his nightstand, on the other side of the bed, there was another lit cigarette.
     Harold went beserk. After beating his wife upside the head, he proceeded to search the apartment. It was not long before he spotted a pair of hands hanging on the window sill, outside the bedroom. He grabbed one of the ashtrays and pounded on the hands until the battered fingers let go.
     Despite falling thirty feet the cuckold was still alive and trying to crawl away. Now worried that he might go to jail if his wife's lover lived to tell the police, Harold ran into the kitchen and pushed the refrigerator into the bedroom and out the window. He was so worked up, and the refrigerator was so heavy, that the effort of pushing it out the window gave poor Harold a heart attack, and he died.
     When Harold arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked Harold what had happened to him. Harold told his story, and Peter let him in. Soon there after a second guy showed up for admission to Heaven.
     When St. Peter asked him why he was there, he said "I don't know what happened, I was a window cleaner. I was working on the fifth floor of an apartment building when my safety strap broke and I fell. I caught myself on the ledge of a 3rd floor apartment. Then somebody smashed my hands and made me fall to the sidewalk. I was stunned, but okay. The next thing I know, I look up and there is a refrigerator coming down at me ..." He too was allowed in.
     It was not long before a third potential angel approached the gates. St. Peter asked the third guy, "What happened to you?"
     The guy said, "I don't know. I was sitting in this refrigerator minding my own business ..."

Bill and I went golfing the other day. We were in the middle of the sixth fairway when Bill stopped in midswing and took off his hat in deference to a funeral procession that was passing by. Usually, he just played on ignoring all distractions. Impressed with his behavior, I did the same. When the procession had passed, I asked him, "Bill, that was damn respectful of you to pause for a procession like that. Why the unusual behavior?" "It's the least I could do for my wife ..."

There once was a dumb blonde who went to see her doctor. When the time came for the pelvic exam, he nearly fell in. You see, she thought she was supposed to have three hearty males per day ...

Did you hear about the tight end who was sentenced to a prison term? When he was paroled he was a wide receiver.

An irishman walked into a travel agency and demanded the special Hawaiian tour. The travel agent said, "I'm sorry, I handle Caribbean cruises. Hawaiin tours are just through the door." So the irishman opened the door. As he was walking through the door, someone hit him over the head, knocking him unconcious, stole his wallet, and threw him in the dumpster.  
     Later that day, an englishman walked into the same travel agency and asked for the same Hawaiian tour. Again, the travel agent explained that he handled cruises and sent the englishman to the office next door. As soon as the englishman opened the door, he got the same treatment. When the irishman and the englishman woke up, they found themselves floating in the middle of the ocean on a small raft.
     The englishman looked at irishman and asked, "I wonder if they'll fly us back?"
     The irishman responded knowingly, "They didn't last year ..."

If you jogged backward would you gain weight?

Since the Post Office implemented mandatory random drug testing, not one carrier has tested positive for speed ...

Ever notice that when the doorbell rings, the dog's the first one to the door, but it's never for him?

One morning, the county sheriff was having a cup of coffee at the donut shop, when all of a sudden a kid on a tricycle zoomed down the street. The sheriff was so startled he spilled coffee all over himself, but the tricycle was gone before anything could be done; it had been going at least 50. Later that afternoon while the sheriff was enjoying a nap behind a billboard, the same boy zoomed by again, doing about 70. The sheriff was again startled, but decided he ought to do something before the kid sideswiped a semi. So the sheriff set up a speed trap.
     No sooner had the sheriff finished, than the kid came screaming down the sidewalk about 80! The sheriff spun gravel and hauled ass after the speeding tricycle. The kid immediately pulled over.
"Did ya'll know thah ya'll wus SPEEding?" drawled the sheriff, "And how did ya'll git thah triCEEcle tuh go thah fast anyway?"
The little boy replied, "There's a little motor under the seat."
"Like hail!" said the sheriff, who proceeded to look under the seat. "Wuhl I'll be damned!"said the sheriff, "Whuh did ya'll git such a powful little mohtuh?"
"I got it from an artificial lung," said the boy.
"Ya'll papa let ya'll do thah?
Didn't he have a thing tuh say 'bout thah?"
"No," said the boy, "He just said 'Uuuuuhhhhh ...'"

Three gays are driving around San Francisco, when they had to stop for a red light. Unfortunately, the large semitrailer behind them burned out his breaks on the steep downgrade and slammed into the back of the gays' car. Bruce, the gay who was driving, looked at his buddies and asked if they were okay. One friend, Harvey, complained of a sore neck.
So Brucejumped out of the car, stormed up to the truck, and pounded on the door saying, "I hope you've got good insurance buddy, my friend is really hurt!"
The truck driver, a real road hog, rolled down the window and said, "Suck my motherfucking dick, you faggot!"
Bruce just smiled and pranced back to his car. "We're in luck fellas," said Bruce, "he wants to settle out of court ..."

A young man, in love with a girl he wanted to make love to, was so ashamed of his small penis that he was afraid of bringing up the question, or of letting her see him naked. One dark night he drove her around in his car and parked in a dark lane. As they kissed, he surreptitiously opened his fly and put his weapon in her hand. "Thanks," she said, "But you know I don't smoke."

One night, Luke Duke picked up Daisy at the bar. They were on their way to the local lover's lane when a traffic light changed from green to red. Luke gunned the engine and sped through the red light. Curious, Daisy asked, "Why did you do that?" Luke just said, "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time."
At the next intersection, the light changed again. Again they sped through it. Daisy, starting to reconsider the wisdom of being in the same vehicle as Luke, asked, "Why do you keep doing that?" "Don't worry," replied Luke, "my brother drives like this."
At the next intersection, the last one in the town with a light, the light turned green.As all the other pickup trucks started moving, Luke screeched to a rubber burning halt. Daisy, by now in a panic, screamed, "What are you doing?!" Replied Luke, "I have to be careful; my bother might be coming the other way ..."

Do you have a brain, or is that just a walnut stuck in your skull?

One night at a bar in San Francisco, a sailor and marine, both on shore leave, started arguing about which service was better, who could drink more, who had the bigger dick, etc. Well, needless to say, the bartender stepped in and said, "Okay, let's settle this once and for all; whip em' out!"
     So the two guys whipped their dicks out and laid them on the bar. Just then a fag walked in. The bartender told the two guys to hold on for a sec while he served the fag. The bartender asked the fag what he'd have. "Well, I was going to have a white wine spritzer," the fag lisped as he looked down the bar at the two guys with their cranks hanging out, "but now I think I'll have the buffet."

Well, I went and did it. I called one of those 1900 phone sex lines. The call wasn't all that bad; just one bad side effect: I had one hell of an ear infection the next day!

One night three vampires entered a bar. When the bartender asked them what they would like to drink, the first vamipire said he wanted a pint of blood, the second vampire said that he too would have a pint of blood, and the last vampire said he'd have a pint of plasma. The bartender took a step back and said, "Let me see if I got this right. That's two bloods and a bloodlite?"

There is no ice in the Texas A&M cafeteria because the englishman with the recipe graduated ...

One day, Little Saddam was riding his donkey when and he pulled into the donkey store and said to the owner, "Hey, can you check the asshole on my donkey?"
The guy in the store looked at the donkey's asshole and said, "There's nothing wrong, why did you think there was?"
"Well," said Little Saddam, "I was riding along minding my own business when two shieks said `look at the asshole on that donkey.'"

Did you hear about the accountant who was half Jewish, and half Polish? He embezzled the accounts payable ...

Three yuppers, Sven, Ole and Karl, were sitting in a boat fishing. It was a grey autumn morning, a light drizzle fell from the skies and the lake reflected like the color of old pewter. The fishermen became dazed, hypnotized by the mesmerizing act of watching thier lines. Karl fell out of the boat. Five minutes went by ... Ten minutes went by ... Fifteen minutes went by ...
"Hey," said Sven, "where's Karl?"
"Oh My God!" cried Ole, "He's fallen into the lake!"
So Sven stripped off his raincoat and heavy jacket and leapt into the water, diving frantically to find his missing pal. A minute later, Sven surfaced and heaved the limp and dripping wet lost fisherman into the boat. Ole immediately began CPR.
"Hey," said Ole as he came up for air, "I don't remember Karl's breath being that bad."
"Hey," scowled Sven, "Come to think of it, I don't remember Karl being dressed in a snowmobile suit either ..."

An eight year old girl tried checking a book out of the library, titled 'Advice for Young Mothers.' The librarian, being a typically nosey and puritanical librarian, asked, "Why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?" The little girl replied, "Because I collect moths."

Two maintenance men, Pat O'Brien and Ivan Petrovich were working around on the launch pad of the space shuttle one day, when Pat noticed some fuel leaking from one of the oring seals. Ivan immediately notified mission control, which instructed Ivan and Pat to try to contain the fuel spill until NASA could figure out what else to do. So, Pat and Ivan started putting buckets, cans, jars, and whatever else they could find, under the leaking engines.
After several hours (it took the NASA bureaucracy long time to figure out who to blame)
Ivan decided to taste the fuel.
Ivan: "Hey, Pat! Take a sip of this shit. It ain't halfbad."
Pat: "Are you crazy?"
Ivan: "No, really. It's kinda like vodka or something."
Pat: "Hey, you're right! This is good stuff ..."
Ivan: "Yea, and I think I'm getting a good buzz off it too ..."
So, Pat and Ivan continued to consume their newfound source of entertain ment. The fuel spill was quickly disposed of. The next morning, Ivan got a phone call.
Ivan: "Hello?"
Pat: "Hey Ivan, how are feeling?"
Ivan: "Pretty good, actually. I don't have a hangover or nuthin'!"
Pat: "Have you gone to the bathroom yet?"
Ivan: "No, why?"
Pat: "Because I'm calling you from Australia ..."

One night a travelling salesman found that he had stayed on the road too long, and that he was stranded in the middle farm country with no place to sleep. Naturally, he sought refuge at the nearest farm house. The farmer agreed to let him stay, but only as long as "you don't sneak upstairs to my daughter's room."
     The salesman promised but, as with all travelling sales men, he found it hard to resist the lure of a farmer's daughter.
     In the middle of the night the salesman crept up the stairs to the daughter's room, where he found her naked, spreadeagled on the bed. The salesman immediately dove between her legs and started eating her out. Hehad just gotten his tongue wet, when he got a mouthful of rice. Undeterred, he spit out the rice and resumed his tongue lashing. Once again, he got a mouthful of rice. Puzzled, but still horny, he started eating her out again. When he got another mouthful of rice, and still no response from the daughter, the salesman gave up and went back to bed.
The next morning the salesman told the farmer, "I have to confess: Last night I went up to your daughter's room."
"That's okay son," replied the kindly, old farmer.
"And I have to confess that I had oral sex with her," continued the salesman.
"I ain't got a quarrel with that, son," replied the kindly, old farmer.
"But I have just one question," concluded the salesman, "Why is it that every time I ate her, I kept getting a mouthful of rice?"
"Oh that?" said the kindly, old farmer, "Them's maggots  she's been dead ten years."

After months of scrimping and bargain hunting to make ends meet, a woman begged her tightfisted husband to give her some shopping money.
"Can't you just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy a roast?" she asked.
Her husband pulled a tendollar bill from his pocket and held it up to the mirror.
"See the money in the mirror? That's yours. And this," he said, putting the tenspot back in his pocket, "is mine."  
The next evening, he went home to find the table filled with a Roman feast of glazed ham, stuffed hens, fresh fruit, steaming veggies, baked alaska, etc, etc, etc.
"Where did you get the money for all this?" the husband barked.
His wife took him to the mirror. "See this body in the mirror? That's yours. And this one," she said, pulling off her dress, "is the grocer's."

Once upon a time, a man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared. The genie offered him one wish (he was a stingy genie). "I want to be rock hard and get plenty of ass for the rest of my life," said the man. So the genie turned him into a toilet.

At a football game between Southern Methodist and Notre Dame, two Texans, Bo and Jimbob, were seated behind two nuns.
Bo said to his friend, "I can't wait to get back to Dallas. There are only ten Catholics there."
"I can't wait to get back to Houston. There are only five Catholics there," replied Jimbob.
This went on for quite some time before one of the nuns finally lost her temper and hissed, "Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any catholics there!"

You were so ugly as a kid that, on Halloween, your mother put peanut butter around your lips and sent you out as an asshole!

A young lady went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor started looking her over and noticed a rash, in the shape of a "Y," on her chest. When he asked her to explain its origin, she stammered,
"Well ... you see ... uh ... my boyfriend goes to Yale, and ... er ... well, he likes to make love with his sweater on."
"That's no problem," said the doctor, as he gave her a tube 'RashAway.'
     A few days later, a second young lady went to see the same doctor. When the doctor started examining the second young lady, he noticed she had an "H"shaped rash on her chest. When he asked her to explain its origin, she stammered,
"Well ... you see ... uh ... my boy friend goes to Harvard, and ... well, he likes to make love with his sweater on."
"That's no problem," said the doctor, as he gave her a tube of 'RashAway.'
     A few weeks later, a third young lady went to the same doctor. When the doctor started checking her over, he noticed she had an "M"shaped rash.
"Don't tell me," said the doctor, "Your boyfriend goes to Michigan and he likes to make love with his sweater on ..."
"Well, not exactly," said the woman. "My girlfriend goes to Wisconsin and ..."

One day ima go to Detroit to a bigga hotel.  Igo down to eat breakfast. I tella the waitress, "I wanna two piss's toast." She bring only one piss. I tella her, "I wanna two piss." She say, "Go to the toilet." I say, "You no understand. I wanna two piss in my plate." She say, "You better no piss on the plate, you sonnamabitch!" I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonnamabitch!
Later, I go to eat lunch at a fancy restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon ana knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tellsa me, "Everybody wanna fock." I tella her, "You no understand. I wanna fock on the table." She say, "You better not fock on the table, you sonnama bitch!"
So I go back to my room in the hotel, and there's no sheet on my bed! I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet, so I say, "You no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed." He say, "You better not sheet on the bed, you sonnamabitch!"
I finally fedda up and go to check out. The man at the desk, he say, "Peace to you." I say, Piss onna you too, you sonnamabitch! I go back to Italy ..."

One weekend, a yupper and an irishshman were arguing about who had the best way of folding a parachute. They finally decided the best way to judge would be to go up in a plane, jump out, and see which parachute performed better. So they both went up and jumped out of the plane at the same time. The yupper pulled his ripcord first; the parachute opened and he began drifting slowly towards the ground. Then the irishman pulled his ripcord, but nothing happened! The irishshman plummeted past the yupper. Cutting his parachute risers, the yupper yelled, "Oh, so you wanna RACE now, eh?"

Did you hear about the two little old ladies feeding pigeons in the park? Suddenly, a streaker flashed past! One little old lady had a stroke, the other wasn't quick enough ...

Two women were sitting next to each other, under the hair dryers in a beauty shop. One turned to the other and said, "Tell me, do you and your husband have mutual orgasm?"
The other woman said, "Oh no, we have State Farm."

Two irishman junkies, shooting up heroin in a back alley, kept passing the same needle to each other. After awhile, one irishman said, "Hey, what we're doing is a high risk activity for aids!" The other replied, "Don't worry, we're wearing condoms."

One day, a lady walked into a Sears store and asked for a hinge for her door. "Do you want a screw for this hinge?" inquired the clerk. The lady looked around the store and replied, "No, but I'll screw you for that oven ..."

Harry went to a doctor to have his knees examined.
"What are you doing that's making your knees so raw?" asked the doctor.
"Well ... I like to do it doggie style, doc, and ... well ... I just can't get enough," answered Harry.
Concerned, the doctor advised Harry to "Take it a little easier."
     Two weeks later, Harry went back for a followup exam; his knees were even worse  dripping puss and blood. Aghast, the doctor had a hard time con trolling his temper.
"What the hell are you doing?" said the doctor.
"I told you doc," Harry meekly replied, "I love to do it doggie style."
The doctor, his anger spent, said, "Damn, son, can't you turn her over?"
Surprised, Harry replied, "Hell no doc, have you ever smelled a dog's breath?"

Two travelling salesmen, Jack and Bob, were driving through along a desolate stretch of Kansas highway when their car broke down. It was getting late, and the only building for miles around was a weatherbattered old gas station a mile up the road. Jack and Bob went up to the adjacent trailor and knocked on the door. A knarled, old, baggytitted widow answered the door. "Ma'am," said Jack, "Our car broke down. Do you think we could stay here tonight?" "Well," said the widow, "I only have one bed. One of you can sleep with me, but the other will have to sleep on the porch. Y'all decide who sleeps where ..."
Jack and Bob both knew that whoever slept in the widow's bed would have to screw her ugly, gnarled body, so they flipped a quarter to see who got the dubious honor. Bob lost and so he slept on the porch. Jack tentatively crawled under the sheets. The widow lost no time tearing Jack's clothes off (something he had conveniently neglected to do). "Wait a minute," said Jack, "I like to do it in the dark." The widow agreed and so Jack got up to turn out the lights. That was when he noticed a bucket full of corn beside the bed. When he crawled back under the covers, Jack grabbed an ear of corn and started screwing the widow with it. The widow, being rather 'wide,' did not notice the difference  she started moaning and screaming. Bob, sleeping outside, heard all the commotion and crept up to the window so he could better hear the action.
Inside, every time the corn got soggy, Jack threw it out the window. The widow, who hadn't had a man in decades, was insatiable and so the corn screwing went on all night. The next morning, their car repaired, Jack and Bob were driving along, when Bob started giggling. "What's so funny?" asked Jack. Bob started guffawing. "What the hell is so funny?" shouted Jack. Bob, finally regaining control of himself, said, "Last night while you had to screw that ugly widow, I was a laying back eating buttered corn!"

Did you hear about the whale found on the beach? I was listening on the radio the other day when I heard that the Sea World veternarian had determined the cause of death to be AIDS. The vet said that he couldn't figure out how a whale had come down with such a disease. The only conclusion he could draw was that it must have been rammed by a ferry ...

Marvin was the world's oldest virgin. After years and years of putting ads in singles' papers and enlisting in dating services, he was nearly penniless. In desperation, he went to a whorehouse. "Lady," Marvin said to the madam, "I'm desperate. I need to get laid  and all I got is this quarter!"
The madam, like all madams, had a heart of gold. She said, "I'm here to help you. Go see the girl in the last room ... And keep the change."
So, Marvin went down the hall to the last room. There he found a fat, ugly whore, naked, spreadeagled on the bed. But Marvin didn't care, he just wanted to screw. So, he tore off his clothes and dove between her legs. Marvin had just begun to the eat out the whore when he got a mouthfull of beef. So intent was Marvin on getting laid, he thought nothing of it; he spit out the beef and resumed tongue lashing the whore. A minute later Marvin got a mouthfull of carrots. Even though he was starting to get a little worried, Marvin was still more horny than worried  he spit out the carrots and returned to eating the whore. Within seconds, Marvin got a mouthfull of peas. Spitting out the peas he yelled, "What's the matter? Are you sick or something?" "No," replied the whore, "but the guy before you was ..."

A Scotsman was on a fishing trip in the northwoods of Canada. "What's that over yon'?" the Scotsman asked of his guide.  "That's a moose, eh," said the guide. "Aye!" exclaimed the Scotsman, with raised eyebrow. "If that be a moose, I'd be sure an to hate to see your rats!"

A man named Smith stopped by the doctor's office to see what the doc found wrong with Mrs. Smith. The doctor told Mr. Smith that he had treated two Mrs. Smith's that day, and that the secretary had mixed up their records.
"Your wife," continued the dcotor, "either has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
Mr. Smith asked, "How do I tell which one my wife has?"
"Take her out in the woods," said the doctor, "and leave her there. If she finds her way back home, don't screw her."

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges, and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grow up.
A twelve year old said, "I want to be a prostitute."
The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "Whatdidyousay?!"
The young girl shrugged,"I want to be a prostitute."
"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said. "Oh praise sweet Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."

The foreman at the sawmill wasn't eager to hire the blind man because of the obvious risks involved, but the guy begged for a chance. "You'll see," he said. "Just put me downstream of the saw and and I'll smell the type and length of the lumber and stack it accordingly."
So the foreman agreed to give it a shot. Positioning the blind man, he sent down a twelve foot piece of pine. "Ahhh ..." said the man, breathing in deeply, "pine, twelvefoot." And he stacked it in the right place. The foreman repeated the test with oak and redwood, fir and mohagony, and the blind guy didn't miss once. Then, getting a sly look on his face, the fore man sent for the office secretary, old Mabel, and told her to hike up her skirts and ride down the conveyor belt.
Mabel rode through, faceup, right past the blind man. Sniffing furiously and looking very puzzled, he asked that the last piece of wood be sent through again. The foreman complied, but not before telling Mabel, skirt still up, to turn over. After a few moments of reflection, the blind man turned to the foreman with a with a triumphant smile. "I've got it!" he proclaimed, "That's the shithouse door from a tuna boat!"

Did you hear about the house that the two lesbians built? Not a single stud was used. It was all tounge and groove.

One day, three baby boys were born in the hospital, at the same time, and the nurses got them mixed up. They were Jewish, Polish and German. Everyone stood around wondering how to sort them out, when the German father stepped forward, clicked his heals, and shouted, "Achtung!" The german baby jumped up, threw his hand in the air, and replied "Seig Heil!" The Jewish baby shit his diapers and the Polish baby played in it.

It's cute when a twoyear old kid spits jello at you  It's not cute when your 98 year old greatgrandmother spits jello at you ...

          There once was a guy named Benny. He was sitting in the bleachers at Fenway one day when Wade Boggs hit a homerun. He told the guy next to him, Eddie, that he knew everyone. Eddie seriously doubted this and bet twenty dollars Benny did not know Wade Boggs. So, after the game, they went to the club house where the great third baseman shook Benny's hand and invited him out for beers.
Eddie was impressed, but not satisfied; he bet $1000 that Benny did not know the President of the United States. So, Benny and Eddie went to the White House, where the President invited them to a State Dinner honoring the Queen of England. Eddie was astonished! Still he was doubtful that Benny knew EVERYONE. He bet a million dollars that Benny did not know the Pope.
So, Benny and Eddie went to St. Peter's Square in Rome. There the Pope was saying  mass for 100,000 people. Benny walked up and stood behind the Pope. After the mass, just as the Pope embraced Benny warmly, Benny noticed Eddie fainting. Benny rushed over to Eddie and woke him up with smelling salts. "What happened Eddie?" Benny asked. Eddie replied, "I was surprised when you knew Wade Boggs, and shocked when you knew the President, but when a guy tapped me on the shoulder and asked, 'Who is that guy with Benny?'..."

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. I get no respect  my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest ...

I call my dog Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

She was so ugly, that when she worked in a pet store people kept asking how big she would get ...

A budget is a plan for going broke methodically.

I tell ya' I get no respect. I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No  I hate myself NOW ..."

Did you hear about the Italian who found a new way to cover up the smell of his breath? He holds up his arms ...

My Grandmother always had a twinkle in her eyes. Turns out it was cataracts ...

I was tired one  night, so I went to a bar to have a few  drinks. I tell ya' I get no respect. The bartender asked  me, "What'll you have?" When I said, "Surprise me," he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

The hillbilly wedding ceremony had just concluded. The groom thrust his hand into the pocket of his tattered overalls and asked the preacher what he owed him. "In these here parts, we don't charge for no hitchin', but you kin pay accordin' to your bride's beauty," the preacher beamed. So, the groom handed the preacher a dollar bill. Whereupon, the preacher raised the bride's veil, took a look and dug into his own pocket. "Here's fifty cents change."

John and Mike entered the Boston Marathon. After they'd been running for awhile, they were passed by another runner. "I know that guy," John said, "That's Bill Rodgers  he won the race a couple of years ago." A few minutes later, another racer passed them with long, loping strides. "And that was Grete Waitz!" John exclaimed. Just then, ambulance sirens began to wail in the distance, and a runner sprinted by so quickly that he was just a blur.
"Who was THAT?" Mike asked. "Him?" John answered. "He's some lawyer ..."

When a man was reading the newspaper, his wife asked, "Will you still love me when I'm old and gray?" "Sure I do," he mumbled.

A woman walked into a savings & loan and said to the loan officer, "I'd like to talk to you about a loan." "Great!" the ecstatic loan officer replied, "How much can you give us?"

Did you hear about the young doe who staggered from the woods after one of her regular libidinous sessions?  As she staggered up to her other doe friends, she said "I'll never do that again for ten bucks!
The story is told of a young Czechoslovakian, a Russian officer, a little old lady, and an attractive young woman riding on a train.
 Shortly after the train entered a dark tunnel, the passengers heard a kiss, then a loud slap.
 The girl thought,"Isn't it odd the Russian tried to kiss the old lady and not me?"
 The old lady thought,"That is a good girl with fine morals."
 The Russian officer thought,"That Czech officer is a smart fellow; he steals the kiss and I get slapped."
 The Czech thought,"Perfect. I kiss the back of my hand, slap a Russian officer, and get away with it!"

Said the FBI agent to the bank teller after the bank was robbed for the third time by the same bandit, "Did you notice anything special about the man?"
 "Yes, he seemed better dressed each time."

An Army base staff was planning war games did not want to use live ammunition.
Instead they informed the men, "In place of a rifle, you go `Bang bang'. In place of a knife, you go `Stab stab'. In place of a hand grenade, you go `Lob lob'.
 The game progressed until one of the soldiers saw one of the enemy. He went "Bang, bang," but nothing happened. He ran forward and went, "Stab, stab," but nothing happened. He ran back and went, "Lob, lob," but nothing happened. Finally he walked up to the enemy and said, "You're not playing fair. I went `Bang, bang' and `Stab, stab' and `Lob, lob' and you haven't fallen dead!
 The enemy responded, "Rumble, rumble, I'm a tank!"

This is the Fertilizer Club. It will not cost you a cent to join.Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of this list and shit in their garden.  You will not be the only one there, so don't be embarrassed.  Then, make five copies of this letter and send or give them to your friends who appreciate Organic Gardening.  You will not receive any money or checks, but within one week, if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,916 people shitting in your garden.  Your reward will come next summer when you have the most productive garden in your neighborhood.

1.  Mr. Will E. Krapp           2.  Mrs. Luce Bowls            
   1422 Enema Way                  30 Bedpan Ave.            
   Stewsburg, Mass.                Poopie, Ill.            

3.  Mr. Hem E. Roids            4.  Mr. A. S. Hole      
   12 Piles Drive                  Dark Hollow Drive  
   Fartford, Wis.                  Colon, Wash.        

5.  Mr. Smelly B. Hind          6.  Mrs. C. Howie Phartz
   4766 Die Rea Way                875 Rectum Road
   Loosely, Va.                    Gas Pain, Col.

There were these three unemployed guys, Leroy (a black), Chico (a Mexican), and Stosh (a Pole). They lived together on their welfare checks in a tiny apartment. One day, a letter came for them from the Welfare people telling them to report to the state employment office or they would lose their welfare payments.
To make a long story short, Stosh was offered a job loading frozen shrimp at the docks. it was a good job, too.  Being unionized, it paid $22/hour. When he got home, Stosh told Chico: "Wake me at 5:30 because I have to be at work at 6:30 and the foreman that hired me told me I must not be late!"
That night, after Stosh fell asleep, Chico and Leroy were complaining about the obvious discrimination. "They only hired him because he's white" said Leroy. Then they hatched a clever plan to prove that Stosh was hired because of his race. They got black shoe polish and covered Stosh's face to make him appear black.
The next morning, Chico woke Stosh at 6:00 and told him to rush because it was a 1/2 hour late. When Stosh got to the docks, the foreman asked him who he was. Stosh told him he was the new employee. "You can't be" said the foreman. "You're black and the man I hired was white."
"But I'm white" protested Stosh. The foreman said "If you don't believe me, go into the men's room and look in the mirror". Stosh did that and when he saw his face he exclaimed: "Goddamn Mexican woke up the wrong guy!"

      A manufacturer of electric light bulbs was talking to the owner of a theater.  "I'd like to supply you with bulbs for your marquee," the manufacturer said, "and it wont cost you a cent.  It will enable me to realize a lifelong ambition."
      "If I accept the free bulb," the curious theater man asked, "will you tell me about this ambition of yours?"
      "Sure," the man said. "It's just that I've always dreamed of seeing my lights up in names."

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best:
 The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.
 The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength---none in the forest dared to challenge him.  
 The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.
 As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!

There were these two strings walking down the road when they came to a bar.  They decided to stop in and have a few drinks.  So they sat down at a table and noticed that they were not going to be served. So the first string said that he would go up to the bar and get a couple of beers.
 First string: Hey bartender, how about a couple of beers.
 Bar tender:  Sorry, but we don't serve strings here.
 So the first string returned to the table and informed the second string of the problem.  The second string said "no problem, I'll take care of this."  
 So the second string stood up, Frazzeled his ends a bit and tied himself into a knot.  He then walked up to the bar..
 Second string:  Hey bartender, how about a couple of beers.
 Bar tender:  Hey, aren't you a string?
 Second string:  I'm a frayed knot...    they got the beers...

A butcher got along great with everyone in the neighborhood except a mysterious swami. They hated each other! One evening, the swami's pregnant wife had intense cravings for liver, however, and the swami had to go into his enemy's shop.
"Give me a pound of liver," he said to the butcher's clerk.
The butcher whispered to the clerk from the back of the shop, "Here's our chance to screw that no-good bum."
Pointing to the clerk's thumb, he said, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"

This guy Fred is really in love with his girl friend Wendy, and decides to do something special for her.  He has her name tatooed on his weiner.  Fred and Wendy decide to take a trip to Jamaica in the Carribean.  When they arrive after their flight Fred has to go to the bathroom.  He goes up to one of the stalls and as he is going, this big black guy walks up to the next stall and starts to pee too.  Wouldn't you know this black guy has WENDY tatooed on his weiner too.  Fred asks the guy if his girlfriends' name is Wendy because of his tatoo.  
The black guy says NO.  When I'm excited it spells out Welcome To Jamaica Man - Have a Nice Day.

Momma mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat pounced in. Snatching up the kid Momma ran for the mousehole but it was obvious she wasn't going to make it. Finally in desperation she whipped around and shouted "Bark, Bark" at the cat. The cat skidded to a halt and ran away.Momma mouse turned to her baby and said, "You see how important it is to learn a foreign language!"

Laurel and Loren were this newlywed white couple that wanted to raise black children, and set out to work. Nine moths later, the fruits of there labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, Loren decided to ask a black friend of his why the couldn't have black children.
 The fellow took him aside and asked "Is your penis at least 1 foot long?"
 Loren said no.
 "Is it at least 3 inches thick?"
 Again Loren answered in the negative.
 "Well there's your problem man! You let in too much light!"

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.  
 "Sorry. We don't serve bears here" said the bartender.  
 "I want a beer" says the bear.
 "I can't serve you.  It's not our policy" notes the bartender.  Getting angrier, the bear growls and smashes his paw on the bar "I WANT A BEER!!!!!"
 "NO" shouts the bartender.
  In frustration, the bear walks over to a lady sitting in a corner table.  He eats her whole (bones and everything).  The bear walks back to the bar and grabs the bartender).  "I WANT A BEER" growls the bear.  
 "We don't serve bears on drugs" states the bartender.
 "I'm not on drugs" replies the bear.  
 "Yes you are" states the bartender "That was a bar-bitch-you-ate!!

A foreigner came to the USA to get a job, he couldn't speak a word of English. The employment counsellor told him there were no job openings for people who could speak no English, but if the man would learn at least a couple of words, she would see what she could find for him.
 So the man went out to learn a couple of words of English, the first place he went was a rocket launch-pad. When the rocket went up, he got so excited, and was shouting and pointing, the other spectators told him that was the take-off. All he could remember was the word 'take-off' but he figured that was good for one.
 The next place he went was a zoo. He saw all the animal exibits, but he went back again and again to one certain cage. Eventually he heard someone call the animal a zebra. He figured zebra was good for the second word.
 When he went back to the employment office, the counselor asked him what he had learned. He answered "Take-off zebra."

It seems that there was a couple who were going at it 69 style and suddenly the wife let out a fart. The husband who isn't into it to begin with looks up and says..."Thank God! A breath of fresh air!"

          There were two brothers by the name of Jones, one was married and the other one was single.  It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.  A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said  "Oh, Mr. Jones, I was so sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible.  
 John replied, "Well I am not a bit sorry.  She was a rotten old thing from the start to the finish. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish and from the time that I got her. She made water faster than anything.  She had a bad crack and a hole in the front--the hole got larger every time I used her and she leaked like everything; but here is what happened."
Four guys asked if they could rent her for the night.  I warned them that she wasn't so hot but they said they would have a go at her anyhow.  The result was that the fools tried to get into her all at once and it was too much for her and she split right up the middle.
Before Joe could say another word about his boat, the old lady fainted on the spot.

Three men were in a balloon.  They got caught in a storm and after being tossed about, they got lost.  When the storm calmed down, they eventually floated passed a man on the ground.  
 They yelled "Where are we?"  
 The man replied "You are in a balloon".  
 One of the men in the balloon turned to the others and said "that man is obviously a lawyer".  
 How can you tell?, the two asked.  
 "It's easy, the information he gave is totally accurate, and completely useless".

A new bride, being very pure and innocent  was quite nervous about her honeymoon night.  That evening they were staying upstairs from her mother and when bed time came and her husband took off his shirt the nervous newlywed ran down to her mother screaming,
 "Mother, Mother his chest is all hairy".  
 Mother calmley replied, "Just go back upstairs relax and do what he says."
 She returned upstairs and her husband removed his pants.  She saw his hairy muscular legs, again she darted downstairs yelling,  
 "Mother Mother, his legs are all bumpy and hairy."  
 "relax", advised her mother, "just go back upstairs and do what he tells you."  
 Well once again she returned upstairs only to notice this time that her husband had lost 1/2 of his left foot in an accident.  Down the stairs she ran screaming
 "Mother, Mother,  he only has a foot and a half."
 "Wait here,  I'll be back in awhile." her mother said.

So this Oriental guy goes to the eye-doctor for an examination. The doctor takes a look and says "You have cataracts, don't you?" The guy replies, "No, a Rinken Continental!"

A preacher walking down the sidewalk sees a little boy playing with a a little bottle of turpentine.  
 The preacher says "Well, hello there son, what have you got there?".  
 The little boy says "This here sir, is the most powerful liquid in the world.".
 The preacher looks at the bottle and says "Oh no son, that cannot be the most powerful liquid in the world.  The most powerful liquid in the world is holy water.  If you take a couple of drops of holy water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a baby girl."
 The little boy thinks about this for a minute, perks up and says "Well ah heck, that ain't nothin.  You take a couple of drops of this and rub it it on a cat's ass and it'll pass a motorcycle!".

Three Athiests were trying to bother a young Baptist minister.
 "I think I will move to Nevada," said the first athiest, "only twenty-five percent of the people there are Baptists."
 "No, I think I'd rather live in Colorado," said the second man, "only ten percent of the people are Baptists."
 "Better yet," said the third athiest,"is New Mexico...only five percent there are Baptists."
 "I think the best place for you all is Hades," said the minister. "There are no Baptists there!"

There was a big party going on in the local mental hospital.  It was a big event, and one of the local doctors had been invited to tour the grounds during the festival.  When the doctor arrived, things seemed to be going nicely, and the doctor decided to take a personal "unauthorized" tour of the grounds.
  As the doctor began to explore within the hospitals grounds, he began to notice that the patients were all getting this celebration with everyone else.
  The doctor first discovers a man, who is buck naked, and painted red from head to toe.  The doctor asks the man "why are you red?"
 The man replies "I am angry!  I am angry that people can do things and I'm stuck in here.  I am angry that Bush is president, and that Quayle is in office!  I am angry at everything!!!!!"
 The doctor not wanting to draw attention to himself immediately began to walk away from this ranting angry man.  Then he approached a man painted green.  This guy was a bit more composed, even though he was buck naken like the mad man.  
 The guy immediately looked at the doctor and said "I'm green with envy!  I am envious of you and your freedoms, the fact that you have a life and I do not, the fact that I don't have a car, and that my wife and kids left me!  I am envious of everyone because they own what I can never have...sob...sob..."
 The doctor immediately began a retreat from this sorry excuse for a patient and promptly walked into tall black man, who was buck naked and happened to have a pear hanging off the end of his penis.
 The doctor immediately responded with "Oh, excuse me, my gosh, what's your problem?"
 The man responded in a quiet, distant voice- "I'm fucking dis' pear."

An Irishman gets married one day.  He goes home to his mother the next day and declares that he's getting a divorce.  His mother asks him why and he says "she is a virgin"  His mother replies "well I don't blame you son, if she's not good enough for anybody else she's certainly not good enough for you.

So this Gorilla walks up to a dairy bar and says, "I'd like a vanilla milk shake, please."
 The man at the counter makes one and gives it to him, the gorilla puts a ten dollar bill on the counter.
The man thinking to himself, "What can a gorilla know about money?", returns 50 to the gorilla. "You know, we don't get many gorillas here."
 "No wonder - at $9.50 a shake!"

Friend of mine walking was supposed to meet a friend in a seedy joint. Went in, and there were a bunch of guys shooting up and passing around the needle. My friend said "Jeez, guys, don't you know that you can get AIDS from sharing needles?"
One of the guys looks up and says "It's OK - we're all wearing condoms".

Little Mike came in from school one day, and asked "Mom, if big people can have little people, and big cats can have little cats, why can't big trains have little train"?
 His mom replies "I don't know son, why don't you ask you're dad when he gets home".
 His dad comes home and Mike asks "dad, if big people can have little people, and big cats can have little cats, why can't big trains have little train"?
 His dad replies, " I don't know son, but I will try to find out for you".
The following Saturday Mike and his dad are driving to the store, and they pull into a train station, Mikes dad says " son, do you remember the question that you asked me the other day"?
 "Yes " says Mike.  
 Well why don't you go over and ask the train engineer.
 So, Mike goes over and asks the train engineer,"Mr. train engineer, if big people can have little people, and big cats can have little cats, why can't big trains have little train"?
 The train engineer thinks for a minute and then replies " well son, I guess it is because big trains always pull out on time.

While fishing at Toho  I was baiting my hook when two six foot tall mosquitos alighted in front of me. I was so horrified, I was unable to move.
One of them said, "should we eat him here or take him back home with us?"
The other one said, "let's eat him here. If we take him back, the big mosquitoes will take him away from us."

Japanese visitor goes to a bank in Britain just as it opens and asks to change Yen into Pounds.
 "I'm sorry, Sir, but you'll have to come back after 12noon, as our computers are down and we don't have the exchange rate yet," said the teller.
 "But want to change Yen to Pounds", replied the visitor.
 "I'm sorry, but you'll have to return after noon," said the teller.
 "Need to change Yen to Pounds", insisted the visitor.
 "You don't understand ... we don't have the exchange rate yet, so I can't change your money. Currency fluctuations, you see" replied the teller.
 "Currency Whaaaaaaaaaaa?" inquired the visitor.
 "Fluctuations  -  Fluctuations" said the exasperated teller.
 "Ah, fluc you British, too then" yelled the visitor as he stormed out of the bank.

 Sex is a real problem in 1986...
 If you sleep with a Woman you get Herpes.
 If you sleep with a Man you get AIDS.
 If you sleep alone you get R.S.I.

There were these 2 guys lost in the Himalayas one day. Both were starving and near death when they came across a dead animal. One of them started to eat and told the other guy he'd better do the same! He refused because he was sure he'd get something better, as the carcas was rotten. So, off they went in search of civilization, when a little while later the twit who ate the meat began to vomit, to which the other guy said, "See, I knew I'd get a hot meal sooner or later!"

One  day  Mayor Koch of New York was walking through the streets of Manhattan when he was stopped by a man carrying a huge cardboard box.  "Hey Mayor," said the man, "you wanna buy a green rat?"
 The  Mayor was skeptical but interested.  "But there's no such thing as a green rat," he said,  "and besides, what good would it do for New York?"
 "Just watch," said the man, putting down the box and opening it. Immediately a huge green rat bounced out, circled around the two men and disappeared into a sewer.  When it emerged a few minutes later, it was being chased by more than a thousand other rats.  The green rat ran into a nearby tenement building and reappeared, being chased by even more rats.
 This went on and on until every rat in the Big Apple was chasing the green rat.  Finally, it ran up onto the Brooklyn Bridge and jumped into the East River. All the other rats followed and drowned. Later the green rat crawled out of the water, returned to the men and climbed back into the cardboard box.
 "That's fantastic!" shouted the Mayor. "I'll take him. But I have a question."
 "What's that?" asked the man with the box.
 "Do you have any green Negroes?"

I was down at the Greenhills carpark with my girlfriend in the back of my mad Cortina, when this copper tapped on the window.... Well I sort of looked around and my girlfriend said to the pig,Get FUCKED you filthy fucking bastard!
  The cop was none too pleased about this and was about to reply when she continued... WELL! Go on PIG! Get out of here shitface!
  The cop then looked at me and said `I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you in son.'
  I was a little surprised and asked `What for!!!!??????'
  `For having an offensive person on your weapon' came the bland reply.

After the micro-surgeons conference in New York, the leading surgeons were in the bar and, being drunk, they began to reminisce over their greatest feats. First the English surgeon said:
 "We had a chap caught in some machinery at British Leyland last month and all that was left of him was his little finger. I constructed a new hand - built that onto a new arm - engineered a new body and ultimately he was so efficient he put 5 men out of work."
 "That's nothing" said the American surgeon. "We had a worker trapped inside a nuclear reactor and all that was left of him was 1 hair from his head. I had to construct a new skull, a new torso and new limbs. Now, he is so efficient he has put 50 men out of work."
 "I can top that!" said the Australian surgeon. "I was walking down the street when I caught a fart. I wrapped an arsehole around it, built a body to match, and it turned into Paul Keating. He has put the whole bloody country out of work!".

A  reporter walked up to Stevie Wonder and asked him how it felt to be born blind, Stevie replied:"It could be worse, I could have been born black".

Sally  arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag over the bannister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care. The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good time?
    "Oh", sighed Sally, "I had a wonderful time!"
    "I  guessed so", her mother remarked, "Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling!"

Mick  has formed a dance band and they were working  their  first gig  at  the local
hall. Mick was very excited about it  all  and said  to the trombone player, "Paddy.. go outside
and  listen  to what  it sounds like." The trombonist went out and after a  while came back
ecstatic. "It's great!!" he exclaimed, "you should hear it." So the whole band went ouside to
listen...

A man went to visit a psychiatrist, and was being shown  pictures of  ink  blots.
 "What  does  this  remind  you  of?",  said  the psychiatrist,  holding up the first picture.
 "SEX!", replied  the man.  
 "What  does this remind you of?",  said  the  psychiatrist, holding  up  the second picture.
 "SEX!", replied  the  man.  
 This continued  for the next dozen ink blots. "I know  your  problem", said the psychiatrist, "You're obsessed by sex!".
 "But you're the one showing me all the dirty pictures!!!"

Kid: Mum, can budgerigars come apart in bits?
Mum: No, why do you ask?
Kid: Because I heard Dad say that when he goes to grandma's tomorrow, he is  going to screw
the arse of the bird next door.

Did you hear about the guy that scored a great looking girl and took her home.. But nothing happened.. She told him that she would only go to bed with a man that had an 8 inch dick... So he threw her out... Why asked his friend.. he said I`m not cutting 3 inches off for any women

This couple went to a nudist colony with their four year old son.  The son asked his father, "Why do some people have big ones and other people have little ones?".
The father, who did not want to get into a detailed discussion of sex organs just said, "The people with the big organs are smart people and the people with the small organs are dumb."
 The little boy accepted this explanation and did not ask any more questions.
  A little while later the father could not find his wife.  So he asked the little boy if he knew where his mother was.
  The little boy replied, "She's behind the bushes with this real dumb guy who is getting smarter by the minute."

W.C. Fields is standing at the bottom of the stairs in a hotel.  A beautiful blonde starts walking up the staircase. He stares at her as she ascends the staircase.  He notices she isn't wearing any underwear. He continues to stare.  When she reaches the top of the staircase, she turns, and sees him watching her.
She says "Mr.Fields I'm surprised at you! I thought you were a gentleman".  
And he says "AHH yes, madam... and I thought you were a blonde."

A pollster was conducting a door to door survey on the methods of birth control used by married couples.  Typically, they would respond that they used the rhythm method, the pill, etc. However, he knocked on one door, and the woman who answered responded that she and her husband used the Eyeball and Bucket Method.
 "Gee, lady," said the pollster, "I thought I had heard them all, but that's a new one on me.  
What, pray tell, is the Eyeball and Bucket Method?"
 "Well," said the lady, "my husband is quite a bit shorter than I am, and we like to make love standing up, so he stands on an overturned bucket. Then all I have to do is watch his eyes, and when his eyeballs roll back, I kick the bucket out from under him."

This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a scotch and soda and I'd like to buy that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink."
 The bartender says, "Hey, she's a regular and you can't be talking about her that way."
 The guy says, "Okay, I'd like to buy that nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink."  
 The bartender says, "That's more like it," and he walks up to the girl and asks her what she wants to drink.  
 She says, "Vinegar and water."

The Russian couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a black market copy of a sex manual.  
 "Honey,I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it smells so bad.  Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"
 She agreed.  An hour later, she returned, all excited. "You should see the flavors they have," she told her husband.  "Strawberry, cherry, banana........"
 "What did you get?" he interrupted.
 "Tuna," she replied.

A 96-pound weakling was tired of going to the beach and seeing his friends pick up girls while he was getting zilcho. So after a while, he asked a friend (one with a more enviable track record) for tips.  
 The man said, "First, you should stop wearing those old baggy swim trunks and get a nice new bikini-style suit.  Then, put a potato in it. That'll turn the girls on."
 Next day, the man goes out with his friends, and as the day wears on, the others all wander off with girls, while he stays alone.  At the end of the day, he asks his friend what he's doing wrong.
 The friend then proffers his sage advice, "You've got to have patience. You've got to look self-confident.  And one other thing.  Next time, try putting the potato in the FRONT of the suit."

A young lady went to her doctor, saying that every time she sneezed she climaxed. He inquired as to whether she was doing anything for it. Sniffing pepper," she replied.

A young lady was rather disturbed by her husband's having suddenly taken a liking to dog food.  She was quite worried about him, so she phoned their doctor and queried as to whether it might be harmful to him.  The doctor replied that there were no ingredients in the dog food that might cause him any harm, so she should just let him eat as much as he wanted and perhaps he would grow tired of it and go back to normal food.
 A few weeks later, this same lady called the doctor again and informed him that her husband was dead.
 "Oh, my God!" exclaimed the physician, "I can't imagine how the dog food might have affected him in such a way!"
 Oh, it wasn't that," answered the girl, "I backed over him while he was sitting in the driveway licking his prick."

Mrs. O'Toole, a middle aged Irish women, enters her local grocery.
O'Toole: Good day Mr. Shannery.
Mr. Shannery: Good day Mrs O'Toole. A what can I be gettin ya today?
O'Toole: Well I be needin a bag of turnips and a 5lb bag of onions.
Mr. Shannery: Very good, here is a bag of turnips, but I'm sorry, we not be havin any more onions.
O'Toole: (examines her list) Well I also be needin some potatoes and a bag of them onions.
Mr. Shannery: Here are your potatoes, Mrs. O'Toole, but I'm really sorry but we haven't any onions.
O'Toole: A few of them carrots would be nice, and I be needed a bag of onions.
Mr. Shannery: Mrs. O'Toole, do you mind if I be askin you a question?
O'Toole: Why no Mr. Shannery.
Mr. Shannery: Mrs. O'Toole, who do you reckon put the turn into turnips?
O'Toole: Why the good Lord I guess.
Mr. Shannery: Thats right, and who do you suppose put the toes into potatoes?
O'Toole: Why I suppose the good Lord.
Mr. Shannery: Correct again, and who do you suppose put the fuck into onions?
O'Toole: (thinking for a moment) Why Mr. Shannery, there is no fuckin onions.
Mr. Shannery: Very good, Mrs O'Toole. Thats what I've been trying to tell ya.

Santa, assuming everyone's asleep, hops down the chimney and begins to deliver the presents.  Suddenly, he hears a small sigh behind him and turns around, only to meet eye to eye with the most gorgeous creature that god could have created.  
 She smiled seductively and pouted, "Wanna play around, Santa?"
 to which he stolidly replied "Ho, Ho, Ho, Santa's gotta go, he's gotta get the presents to the people, you know."
 In reply, she slid one of the spaghetti straps of the nearly non-existant negligee she was almost wearing off her shoulder, and again she cooed, "Wanna fool around, Santa?"  
 To which he replied, not sounding sure of himself at all, "Ho, Ho, Ho, Santa's gotta go, he's gotta get the presents to the people you know..."
  Next thing he knows, she turns around and walks lasciviously back into the bedroom.  He returns to his chores while visions of sugar-plums dance in his head.  Just as he's about to leave, she makes yet another grand entrance, and exclaims "OOOOOOH, SANTA, let's play around!!!!!"  She is wearing nothing and implying everything....
 He looks at her, looks at the chimney, looks back at her, looks up at the chimney, and shrugs his shoulders, giving in to temptation, murmuring,  "Hey, hey, hey, Santa's gotta stay; he can't get up the chimney with his prick this way.!

The convent was being remodeled, and the rough language of the workmen occasionally drifted through an open window. Indignant, one of the nuns went to the Mother Superior to complain.
 "Their language is horrible, it upsets me so that I can't concentrate on my prayers.", she said.
 The Mother Superior replied, "Now sister, you must realize that these are hard working men, and that in their struggle to earn a simple living, they sometimes forget their manners.
They simply call a spade a spade."
 To which the nun responded, "No they don't, they call it a fucking shovel!!"

On one Sunday Morning, a young wife awakes and goes to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for her husband.  While the wife was in the kitchen, the husband got a large hardon,while lying in bed, so he got a pencil and paper a wrote a note to his wife, and ask his daughter to deliver the note to her in the kitchen. the note said:
  Honey!  The tent pole is up, the canvas is spread, stop the breakfast and come back to bed.
  And the husband waited for a reply from the wife.  Then the wife got a pencil and paper a wrote a note back to the husband which said:
  Take the tent pole down, and put the canvas away, the monkey got a hemorrhage, no circus today.

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers.  The bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.  
 'I just found out that my brother is gay', he says.
 About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and 6 beers.  So the bartender asks  'Whats wrong this time?'  
 To which the man says: 'I just found out that my other brother is gay'.
 Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders NINE shots and NINE beers.  
 The bartender says 'God, doesn't anyone in your family like pussy ?'
 And the man replies 'Yeah, my sister.'

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run  those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store.  So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do all day?"
    Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
    "That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
    Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
    "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
    Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
    The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father answered the door.  
The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
    Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney.  How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station.
     After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!".
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first lawyer to make it up here!!"

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
  "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer  of mine."
  "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"
 "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.  It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty.  He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.  The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty.  The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.  When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
 The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict?  Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother.  On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
 "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
 "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.  After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
 Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.  
 George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".  
 So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?".
 And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".  
 George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer".  
 And Harry says "How can you tell?".  George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
 That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".

    For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.  
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
    "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
    "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

    Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?  The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

    A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
    "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
    "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
    "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
    "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"

   An anxious woman goes to her doctor.  "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
  "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

    At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
    "Really?"  the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
    "Well, for three reasons.  First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.  However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings."

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.  Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him.  The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.  As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions oflawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
 "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
 "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
 The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
 The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
 At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.  Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"  
  The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
  "Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
  The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
  Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer - $20 due for a consultation.

   The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
  The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case.  He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."  St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see.  Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."   St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

Three guys are banished to a the sahara desert.  one is german, one is french and one is irish.  The judge allows each to take one item with him for his 5 year banishment.  the german takes bread in case of hunger.  the frenchman takes wine in case of thirst.  the irishman takes a car door in case it gets hot, he can roll down the window.

Tom and sue went to the prom.  they were dancing very close and tom started to get rather, "bothered." he explained to sue that he was getting a bad case of the hornies and asked if she wanted to go to the rainbow motel in burlington.  she agreed to go, so he threw her into the car, zoomed over to the motel, got a room, ripped off her clothes, threw her on the bed and thrust himself deep inside her! Suddenly he found himself distracted!  every time he entered her, her toes curled up!  he was freaking out and finally stopped doing the wild thing.
"Hey, Sue...um, why do your toes curl up every time i'm inside you?"
"Oh Tom, don't mind that.  it's just my pantyhose!"

Did ya hear about the 93 year old man and the 92 year old woman who found each other and finally got married? They spent thier honeymoon getting out of the car!

A young nun rushed into the Mother Superior's office and exclaimed, "We've got a case of syphilis in the convent." The Mother Superior looked up and said, "Thank God.... I'm sick to death of red wine."

A boy was walking down the street with his Dad and noticed a dog mounting another dog.  The boy asked his Dad,
 "Hey Dad, what are those two dogs doing?"
 "Well son, the dog on top's front paws are sore, so the dog on the bottom is giving him a ride home."
  The son thinks it over, and then comes to the conclusion,
  "Geez Dad, isn't that just like the world today...you help someone out, and you end up getting fucked."

So you don't know Jack Schitt? He's the only son of Awh and Oh Schitt. Awh, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh, the owner of the Kneedeep Inn. Jack married Noe. They produced six children. Holy, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep and Dip, two daughters, Fulla and Giva, and another son, Bull. Deep married Dumb, a high school dropout. Dip married Lotta, and they have a son, Chicken. Fulla and Giva married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horace. Bull just married a spicy number, Pisa, and they are awaiting the arrival of a baby Schitt.
 Now You Know Jack Schitt.

When the British were having thier difficulties in the Falklands the following announcement was made to a unit of the SAS.
 Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The Brigadier feels that since we were one of the first units to arrive, and since we haven't had any fresh laundry in two weeks. You will all be able to change underware. Now the bad news. Smythe you change with Carstairs,
Jones you change with Higgins.........

One day, little Johnny was sitting on a corner, stirring a bucket of shit. The milkman walked up and said, "Whatcha got there, Johnny?"
To which Johnny replied, "Bucket o' shit."
"Whatcha making?"
"A Milkman."
"Hrummph!" said the Milkman and walked across the street.
Next, the Mailman came and said "Whatcha got there Johnny?"
"Bucket o' shit."
"Whatcha making?"
"A Mailman."
"Hrummph!" The Mailman walked across the street and began talking to the Milkman.
Shortly after, a policeman walked up and had a conversation with the two aggrieved men.  
He then walked over to Johnny and said, "What do you have there, Johnny?"
"Bucket o' shit."
"I bet you're making a Policeman."
  "Nope, ain't got enough shit."

    Three men, a Canadian, American, and Irishman are standing at a bus stop, when along came a mugger of a different kind. The mugger was carrying a needle in his hand and waving it in front of the three men as he said, "In this needle is the AIDS virus; either give me all your money, or I inject you!"
    The Canadian immediately hands over his wallet and runs off.
    The American does the same.
    But the Irishman stands there: "Go ahead, I'm not afraid."
    So the mugger injects the guy. But the Irishman is still standing there, all happy and content. Finally the mugger asks, "Aren't you scared?"
   "Nope."
    "Why not?"
    "I WORE A CONDOM!"

    One day a little boy and little girl heard the word "penis" on the playground.  The girl talked the boy into asking the teacher what penis ment.
 The teacher told him, " We don't discuss such things in school."
The teacher also said that he should ask his father when he went home.
 Upon getting home he asked his father.  
 His father said, "Not only will tell you, I'll show you mine. And by the way, THIS is a perfect penis."
 At play period the next day the boy and the girl got togeather.
 The girl asked, "Did your daddy tell you what a penis is?"
 The Boy replied, " Uh Huh, here let me show you."
 "So thats what one is."
 "Yep, and if it was only two inches shorter it would be a perfect penis."