A missionary in a remote jungle outpost found himself face to face with a ferocious lion. Knowing he was doomed for certain, he kneeled down and said his prayers. To his astonishment, the lion too kneeled quietly. "Praise God! This is a miracle!" the joyous missionary shouted. "Quiet!" growled the lion, "I'm saying grace ..."
The elderly woman accidentally dropped her handkerchief as she put some coins into the beggar's cup. He gallantly stooped to pick it up. "Why you're not blind!" she exclaimed. "No," he said, "I'm working for my brother. It's his day off."
I wish people would make up their minds. Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
Years ago, when he was managing the lastplace New York Mets, Casey Stengel was approached by an excited scout.
"Listen, I just saw a guy who struck out 27 batters. No one even hit the ball until there was two out in the ninth, and he only hit a foul. Should I sign the pitcher?"
"Forget the pitcher," Casey replied, "Get the guy who hit the foul! We need hitters .."
A woman seated at the movies was surprised to find, sitting in the two adjacent seats, a man with his arm around a sheep dog. All through the movie, she noticed the dog watching the picture with apparent understanding snarling when the villain appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts. At the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't get over how much your dog enjoyed the movie," she said. "It surprises me too," the man answered, "He absolutely despised the book."
The man at the bar casually leaned over and asked a woman passing by, "Excuse me, miss, do you have the time?"
"What?" she said loudly, "How dare you proposition me!"
Noticing that every eye in the place turned toward him, the man mumbled, "I just asked the time, miss."
"I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!" she shrieked, even louder this time.
Mortally embarrassed, the man slunk off to a corner of the bar. A few minutes later, the young woman approached him with an apology.
"You'll have to excuse me," she said. "I'm writing a doctoral thesis on the response of human beings to sudden shocking statements."
The man looked at her curiously, then said in his loudest voice,
"YOU'LL DO ALL THAT, ALL NIGHT, FOR JUST TEN DOLLARS?"
Three college students shared an apartment. Every night one of the guys would go out and get drunk, come home at 2:00 AM, and puke in the kitchen sink. The other two guys were getting plenty upset so they decided to play a joke on him. They went to the butcher shop and asked for 2 pounds of chicken guts. After the guy went out they poured the chicken guts in the sink. That night, the third guy comes in precisely at 2:00 AM and starts puking in the sink. After a few moments everything was quite. About an hour later they heard the guy going to bed. The next morning he told the other two guys what had happened: "I gotta quit drinking. This morning I came in and puked my guts out. It took me an hour to get 'em all back in again."
One day a lady was inside of an elevator and she had to fart really bad. She thought to herself, 'What am I going to do if someone comes in and smells it. I'm going to be so embarrassed.' Then she thought, 'If I spray this can of pine air freshener no one will ever know what I did.' So she farted and one floor later a biker stepped in and the lady said, "What does it smell like in here?" The biker replied, "It smells like someone shit a Christmas tree."
On this farm there used to be a cat and a rooster, but the rooster and the cat didn't get along very well. The cat was nosey about where the rooster went everyday, but the rooster wouldn't tell him anything at all and this made the cat mad. So one day the cat decided to follow the rooster to see where it was he went everyday.
He followed the rooster to a stream where the rooster would jump across, but the cat was afraid of falling in. This went on about a week and then the one day the rooster saw the cat follow him and stop at the stream, too afraid to cross over. The rooster started jumping back and fourth across the stream teasing the cat because he was afraid to jump over. This made the cat very mad and he decided if the rooster could do it then so could he. The cat got a running start and jumped, but landed in the middle of the stream where he drowned. The moral of this story is that for every happy cock there is a wet pussy.
There men died and went to hell. Satan met them at the gates and said, "All three of you weren't bad enough to go straight to Hell, so you get another chance. If you can tell me something I can't do you can go to Heaven."
The first man said, "Make a car made of solid gold that runs on gasoline." Satan did and the man went into Hell.
The second man said, "Make a house of solid silver." Satan did and the guy went into Hell.
The last man was a biker and he was laughing. Satan said, "How can you laugh when you are at the gates of hell?"
The biker stopped laughing, farted, and said, "Catch it."
One day Joe came hobbling in the club house with a 7 iron wrapped around his neck. Of course everyone was curious as to what happened to poor ol' Joe. Sam asked, "What happened to you?" In a raspy whisper, Joe told this tale of woe:
I was teeing off on the 5th hole and I shagged my ball out into this field of cows. I went over the fence and was looking for my ball when this lady on the 12th tee shagged her ball into this same field. So we're both looking for our balls when I happened to see this one cow acting a little different than the rest. I went over and raised its tail and damned if there wasn't a golf ball stuck in its asshole. So I hollered at the lady, "Hey lady, does this look like yours?"
Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said. "Thanks," his friend said. "I'm gonna miss her."
Have You heard about the new cereal that's advertised a lot on TV, called "Nut 'N' Honey"? Well, the same company is now marketing a similar new cereal, aimed for the innercity residents. It's called "Nut 'N' Bitch!"
There were these three old guys sitting around at a rest home, discussing their health.
The first guy, 70 years old, said, "I just wish I was still able to take a good piss."
The second guy, 80 years old, said, "Yeah, me too, but more than anything, I wish I could still take a good shit."
The third old codger, at 90 years of age, said, "I take a good piss every morning about 7:30. Then, about 9:20, I take a good shit. I just wish I could wake up earlier than eleven ..."
A man and his wife were traveling through Kansas on a hot day; when they stopped for gas the wife stayed in the car with the windows up and the air conditioning going, while the husband stepped out to talk to the man servicing the car. The gas jockey asked the husband where they were from and the husband said, "Texas." The wife knocked on the window and yelled, "What did he say?"
"He asked where we were from." The gas jockey asked,
"Where in Texas?"
The wife knocked on the window and yelled, "What did he say?"
"He asked where in Texas."
The gas jockey said, "Ft. Worth, Texas ... I been there. That's where I had the worst piece of ass I ever got in my life!"
The wife knocked on the window and yelled, "What did he say?"
"He said that he thinks he knows you!"
A doctor was taking a group of interns on rounds at a hospital. All of a sudden, another intern came racing down the corridor, shouting "Quick, doctor, give me a pen!" The doctor reached into his pocket and handed the intern something. The intern looked at the object and said, "Doctor, this isn't a pen. It's a rectal thermometer." The doctor looked at the thermometer and exclaimed, "Dammit, some asshole has my pen!"
One day a kid came home and yelled, "Ma, Ma, I had sex for the first time today!" The mother was outraged and sent the kid upstairs to his room. When the father got home, the mother explained the situation, whereupon the father marched staright up the stairs to his son's room. "I Hear you had sex, son." said the father in a stern voice. "Yeah ..." "Way to go! Now you're a man! I'm proud of you son."
The next day at work the father told the guys at work about his 'improved' son. That night he came home from work and again went to his son's room. "So, son, did you have sex again today?" "No Dad; my asshole is still sore from yesterday ..."
There once was an career hillbilly who was well into his 12th year at A&M. His father, an archsupporting alumni, was growing tired of his son not having graduated yet. He himself took only 10 years. So he pressured the dean to simply graduate his son and be done with it. Not wanting to give preferential treatment to the rich alumni, but still wanting his substantial financial support, the dean decided to test the boy and, if he passed the exam, then he would grant him his graduate degree. So the dean called the son into his office and explained the matter, telling him he only had three questions and that it was an overnight, open book, test (Not wanting to leave anything up to chance). Then he listed the questions:
1. How many Days of the Week begin with a "T"?
2. How many Seconds are there in a Year?
3. How many "D's" are there in DIXIE?
The youth hurried home and began to work. The next day he returned to the dean's office, obviously worn to a frazzle, having stayed up all night working. The dean asked him, "Okay son, for the first question, how many days of the week begin with a "T", what is your answer?"
The son said, "Well, 'course that was the first and easiest one ... There are two days," (The dean smiled) "Today and Tomorrow!"
The dean began to sweat and wiped his face.
"Well I suppose there is a certain amount of truth to that answer, so I'll accept it. Now, for the second question: How many seconds are there in a year?
The son replied, "You know that had me workin' a long time, till I looked at my calendar fer help. Then it come to me: there are 12 seconds in a year. The 2nd of January, 2nd of Feb ..."
The Dean almost lost it, but then regained composure. "Son," he said, "I believe we misphrased the question, so I'm going to give you credit for it. Now, for the third and final question, how many D's are there in "Dixie"?
The lad just smiled, and said, "That's the one what kept me up all night until I got it right! There are 232 D's!" he said proudly.
"What do you mean, 232?" sputtered the dean. "How did you come up with that?"
"Well, you gotta just count like this: Dee Dee Dee, De De De De Dee Dee Deeee ..." (to the tune of Dixie)
One bright and early afternoon a ventriloquist was walking through a field when he encountered an indian grazing his cow, horse and sheep. The man smiled at the indian and asked, "How are you doing today Mr. Indian?"
The Indian smiled and said, "Me fine."
The man then turned to the cow and asked, "And how are you doing today Mr. Cow?"
The Indian got a puzzled look on his face and said, "Cow no talk."
The man threw his voice at the cow saying, "Oh, I'm o.k., but sometimes this indian's hands are cold when he tries to milk me."
The indian's eyes grew wide. Then the man turned to the horse and asked, "And how are you doing today Mr. Horse?"
The indian once again looked at the man and said, "Horse no talk."
The man threw his voice again, saying, "Oh, I'm o.k., but sometimes when this Indian is riding me he hits me awful hard."
The indian's eyes grew even wider. Finally, the man looked to the sheep and asked, "And how are you doing today Mr. Sheep?"
The indian quickly shouted, "Sheep lie! Sheep lie!"
There were three couples who wanted to be members of a church: an elderly couple, a middleaged couple and a newlywed couple. The preacher said, "To become members you have to abstain from sex for one whole month." All three couples agreed and arranged to return in one month. After the month had passed, the preacher asked each couple how well they had done.
The elderly couple reported they had succeded with little difficulty. The middleaged couple said it was challenging, but that they had also succeded. Then the preacher asked the newlyweds how they had done. The husband said, "Well, the first two weeks were o.k., the third week was really challenging, but during the fourth week my wife bent over to get a can of vegtables and I just lost all control." The preacher said, "Well, then, I'm sorry to say that you can't become members of our church." To which the husband replied, "That's o.k., they won't let us back in the grocery store either."
Once upon a time, a man was walking along the beach when he saw a beautiful girl who, sadly, had no legs. She was in her wheelchair bawling her eyes out.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"I've never been hugged before," she replied. So he hugged her.
The next day on his walk, he saw her again. Once more, she was crying.
"What's wrong now?" he asked.
"I've never been kissed before." she sobbed.
So he proceeded to lay a liplock on her. The third day he was walking by and AGAIN saw the poor girl crying. By now annoyed, he snapped, "Now what?"
"I've never been fucked before ..." she said hopefully. Where upon he proceeded to pick her up out of her wheelchair and throw her in the water.
"Now you're fucked!"
If Iraq attacked Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?
One day an old man and his wife were sitting in the waiting room of the old man's urologist. The nurse stepped in, holding three specimen jars in her hand. She said "Mr. Johnson, we're going to need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample." Fiddling with the volume control on his hearing aid, Mr. Johnson asked his wife, "WHAT DID SHE SAY, MARTHA?" "They want your shorts, dear."
One night a lady was choking on a piece of meat in a restaurant. Everybody tried to help by slapping her on the back, but to no avail. All of a sudden a Hillbilly RAN across the room, whipped up her dress, ripped down her drawers and started licking her ass. She was so astounded, she disgorged the meat and said, "My God, what was that?!" The Hillbilly drawled, "Wuh luhned thut in school, thut's thuh Hindlick Mahnuhvuh!".
One afternoon a man was walking along a farm road with his daughter, when they came upon two sheep. The two sheep were in the process of mating and the father, noticing his daughters interest, quickly explained that the sheep on top had hurt his two front hooves and the other sheep was helping him get back to the barn. His daughter turned around, and smiled at her dad, and said, "Isn't it funny that when you help someone, they almost always screw you in the end?"
A woman wanted to have a baby, so she asked a guy to have sex with her. Just as they were about to commence, she asked, "What are we going to call our baby?" The guy left, saying, "I don't want no kid!" So she invited another man over. The same thing happened The third time, she decided not to tell the man she wanted to get pregnant until after the act was over. After he came, she asked, "What are we going to call our baby?" The man stood up, pulled off the condom, tied it in a knot, threw it up against the wall and said, "If he gets out of that, we'll call him `Superman.'"
One day Adam was in the Garden of Eden when God came over to him and said, "I made something for you. What I made for you will do anything you say, fix your meals and give you indescribable pleasure. It will take care of you always and it will never give you any trouble." Adam thought a moment and said, "What does it cost me?" God said, "Just an arm and a leg." Adam said "Sorry, but that's too steep for me. What can I get for a rib?"
Once upon a time there was a mathematician who found an equation for GOD. It was, of course, a very complicated equation but, she figured, all she had to do was find a computer system which
(1) had a large enough memory to store all the necessary variables, and
(2) was fast enough to gather all the information together.
Once this was accomplished, all the mysteries of the Universe could be solved. So the government took every available microprocessor, linker, loader, assembler and anything else they had available, put them all together and asked the computer: "Is there a God?" Unfortunately, however, the computer's response was that it would take, at the very least, a century or two to solve the problem. This wasn't good enough for the bureaucrats in Washington who, for the first time in their lives wanted something other than the status quo.
So they decided to follow that up by taking every single computer in the entire nation and, linking them all together into one giant, eversomuchbigger, supercomputer, asked once again, "Is there a God?" Well, this time the computer said that it would take only ten years to solve the equation Not as bad, but still not quick enough to satisfy all the eager philosophers and scientists. "Some thing more must be done!" they shouted.
By this time the whole world was beginning to pay attention to the project and everone wanted to get involved. After much debate, the United Nations decided to build the computer and discover if there really was a God. So they took every computer system in the world and linked them all together into one single amazing superdupercomputer the likes of which had never, EVER, been seen before! Once again the scientists asked, "Is there a God?"
The response? "THERE IS NOW!"
If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will take out a three year lease with an option to buy. If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door. If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass. If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault it with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call in an air strike.
There once was a priest and a nun on missionary journey in the Sahara Desert. They were riding a camel in a caravan across the desert when all of sudden a sandstorm blew in. They were separated from their traveling companions and got lost in the desert. After a few days the camel collapsed from exhaustion.
Father John looked at the Sister Agnes and said, "Looks like this is it for us." Sister Agnes agreed. "I always wanted to have sex before I died." said Father John. "Me too." said Sister Agnes. So they both undressed. When had both disrobed, Sister Agnes looked down at the Father John's sceptre and said, "What is that?" Father John told the good Sister that it was the Shaft of Life. Said Sister Agnes: "Then, why don't you stick it in that camel so we can get the hell out of here?"
A boy came home from school one day and went up to Dad. "Pop, I've gotta write a paper on the difference between theory and fact. Can you help me?"
"Why sure son. Go and ask your mom if she would sleep with old Mr. Johnson next door for half a million dollars."
The son was puzzled at this, but went and asked mom anyway. He walked back in the room a short time later and said "Yeah, mom would do that."
"Go and ask your sister the same question." said the father. Junior ran up the stairs, asked Sis, and came thundering down the stairs.
"She said she would also."
"Okay son, here's the difference: In theory, we're millionaires. But, in fact, we're living with a couple of sluts."
Teenage girl with bicycle pedal ass all over town.
Squirrel lay on rock, crack nuts. Man lay on crack, rock nuts.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Man who get stiff in joints should stay out of them.
The school bus approached the curb and slowed but, upon noticing a gibbering kid stumbling around, gooking all over the place, the driver stepped on the pedal and left the kid in a cloud of dust. Next day, the bus approached the same curb, but upon noticing the gibbering, drooling kid with his arms flopping around, the bus smoked by the kid again. The third day, the bus again approached the curb. Once again, the kid on the curb was frantically stumbling around, drooling and gibbering.
The bus burned rubber, hopped the curb, and ran right over the stumbling kid. Later, the police arrived. The officer asked the bus driver, "I understand that you failed to pickup the poor kid all week long and, as if that weren't enough, you ran him over!. What do you have to say for yourself?" To which the driver replied, "He wuth makking fthun uff me!"
A man entered a tattoo parlor on the lower west side and wanted to get a tattoo.
"What can I do for you?" asked the tattoo artist.
"Well," the man replied, "I want a $100 dollar bill tattooed on my wang."
"I've never had that request before. Do you mind if I ask why?"
"Well, I really like to watch my money grow. I also love to play with my money. And, I'll tell you what, my wife can blow a hundred dollar bill better than anyone I've ever met!"
Dirty Ernie got a duck for his birthday. He took it for walks every day and enjoyed having a pet. One day, Sleezy Suzy saw him walking the duck, and said, "Hey, I like your duck. Will you give it to me if we go into the bushes and fool around?" Dirty Ernie agreed, and off they went. When they finished, Dirty Ernie said, "Hey, if you'll give me my duck back, we can do that again." So they fooled around in the bushes some more.
Unfortunately, about this time a big truck came barreling down the street. The truck driver saw the duck in the road, and slammed on his brakes but no luck he ran right over it. The driver told Dirty Ernie, "Hey kid, I'm sorry about your duck. Here's a dollar to pay for it." Later, when Dirty Ernie finally got home, his dad asked him how his day was. Dirty Ernie said, "Not bad, Dad. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a buck for a fucked up duck."
There once was a business executive who decided he needed a little rest from the daily routine, so he decided to take his pretty, young secretary to a hotel for some whoopee. He rented a very nice, quiet room and they spent the day drinking, going to bed, having lunch, drinking some more, back to bed again, etc. Finally 5 o'clock came and they had to go their separate ways.
On the way home, he was thinking about what excuse he could tell his wife if she was in the mood for having a 'party' tonight. He drove up the driveway of his home and sure enough, there was his wife at the door, all arrayed in a pretty gown and negligee, with pipe, slippers and cool drinks.
She led him into the house, with all the sweetness she possessed, to his favorite armchair. He thought, "God I hope that this doesn't build up to something." They sat back and relaxed, sipping their drinks and talking. Suddenly, she said that she had forgotten something in the bedroom, got up and said she would be right back. He thought, "Oh Lord, here it comes." As soon as she had left the room he jumped up, unzipped his trousers, pulled out 'Jasper' and started to bend it and whip it around trying to get some life into it, but nothing happened it did not help a bit.
He heard her returning so he stuffed 'Jasper' back into his trousers, zipped them up,sat down and sighed. They continued their conversation, then she asked him if he would care for another drink, and he replied that he would, so off she went to the kitchen to fix it. He jumped up immediately, opening his pants again, out with 'Jasper', up and down, around and around, back and forth all this with much more vigor than before but to no avail. He decided he would just have to tell her that he was too tired for the fun and games tonight.
She returned with their drinks, sat down and said, "Dear, I've a most wonderful surprise for you, and I know that you will be perfectly delighted." He thought, "Sure I will." Then aloud, "Well, what is it?" She answered sweetly, and with a sly smile, "Guess what, we're on Totally Hidden Video!"
Once upon a time, a newlywed couple were on their honeymoon in the Bahamas. One day, while sunbathing, the husband got a bad case of sunburn on his dick. In terrible pain, he went back to their room to seek some relief. He opened up the frig and found a bottle of milk. He poured a glass and soaked his irritated cock within. As he was standing there, his wife walked in, looked at him, and said, "So that's how it's done! I've always wondered how you guys filled that thing up."
An old man went into a bar in Wyoming. After having a few drinks he started staring at a heavyset, longhaired, bearded biker. After a few minutes the biker got pissed off, went over to the old man, and asked him why he kept staring at him. The old man replied, "I just finished doing twentyfive years in prison for screwing a buffalo. I just thought you might be my son."
Did you hear about the new Irishlish parachute? It opens on impact ...
Last year on '20/20' Barbara Walters did a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of the reservation, she inquired as to how the number feathers in the indians' headdress was determined. She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headdress.
His reply was "Me have only one squaw, me have only one feather." She asked another brave, thinking the first fellow was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress.
He replied, "Ugh! Me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws involved, she decided to interview the chief.
The Chief had a full headdress of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
She asked the Chief, "Why do yuw haff tho many feathuh in yuw headwess?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief, me fuckem all big, small, fat, tall me fuckem all."
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "Yuw thould be hung!" The Chief replied, "You damned right, me hung big like buffalo, long like snake ..."
Ms. Walters spluttered, "Yuw dwon't haff to be tho damned hothtile!"
The Chief replied, "Hoss style, dogstyle, wolfstyle, any style, me fuckem all!" Tears in her eyes,
Ms. Walters cried, "Ow, dweer!"
The Chief said, "No deer me no fuckem deer asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuckem deer!"
An office manager learned that, due to increased operating costs and slumping sales, he would have to let one of his employees go. After much thought he narrowed his choices down to two employees: Liz and Jack. Both were equal in seniority and both were good workers, so the manager decided that he would watch the two at work the next day and the first one to leave their desk was the one who would be let go. When they arrived in the morning, both Liz and Jack got right to work, and the manager began to wonder if his plan would work. About midmorning, however, Liz got up from her desk and asked Jack for some aspirin. The manager had his victim. He caught up with Liz at the water fountain: "I'm afraid I have a dilemma here," he said. "I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." "Well then, jack off," Liz snapped. "I've got a headache!"
Once upon a time, a Marine Gunny took it upon himself to toilet train his son. Being a Marine, the kid was taught "by the numbers." So the Gunny took his son into the head and he said, "Kid, this is the way you do it by the numbers:
ONE! You unzip your fly.
TWO! You pull out your crank.
THREE! You piss!
FOUR! You put it back in.
FIVE! You zip up your pants. Got it?"
The little kid, being the son of a Marine, immediately responded with a thundering, "Aye, aye!" A day or so went by, and the Gunny spied his son going into the head, so he snuck up to the door and listened: "One! Two! Three! Four! Two! Four! Two! Four! ..."
Once upon a time, a bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. The bear looked down at the rabbit and asked, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replied, "No, I've never had that problem. "So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass ...
Two men were hunting in the hills of Kentucky. Bo turned to JimBob, after taking a sip from his sixth beer of the hour, and said that he needed to step into the bushes for a minute. So Bo walked out of sight and pulled out his dick. Suddenly, a rattle snake slithered into sight! It coiled in defense, as Bo froze with dick still in hand. The snake, far from intimidated by this small cylindrical object, struck and injected his poison into Bo's staff. Bo cried and screamed until his JimBob came to his rescue.
After rearranging the snake with a load of double00, JimBob calmed Bo down and told him that he was going for help. So JimBob wandered down the holler to a small town. Finding a handcranked phone, he called the nearest doctor and was told to cut two small incisions near the bite, and suck the poison from the wound. JimBob ran back up the holler to Bo who was by then quite distraught and nearly unconscious. Said JimBob to Bo: "The doc said ya'll gonna die."
When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be Boss. The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be Boss. The Legs argued that since they took the Man wherever he wanted to go, he should be Boss. The Stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all of the food, he should be Boss. The Eyes said that without them, Man would be helpless, so they should be Boss. Then the Asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the Asshole became mad and closed up. After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Legs got wobbly, the Stomach got ill, and the Eyes got crossed and were unable to see. So they all conceded and made the Asshole Boss. This proves that you don't have to be a Brain to be Boss just an Asshole.
My wife's a terrific housekeeper. I dirty a plate, she washes it immediately. I'm ready to drop a cigar ash on the floor, she has it picked up before it even drops. The other night, I got up at three a.m. to get a glass of juice. When I came back, the bed already had been made.
The circus leader was upset at the thought that his human cannonball act would have to be scrapped. It seems the aging performer was losing his nerve in the act. He went to the boss and quavered, "I don't think I am up to being shot out of a cannon twice a day any more." "But you can't leave me," his boss replied, "Where will I find another man of your caliber?"
A man had to take a psychological test for a job he was applying for. The psychologist drew a circle and asked, "What does this remind you of?" The man thought for a moment and replied, "Sex." The psychologist drew a tri angle and asked the same question. Again the applicant answered, "Sex." "And what about this?" asked the psychologist, drawing a square. "Sex," was the man's answer. "Well," the psychologist said to him, "you certainly seem to be obsessed with sex." "What do you mean I'M obsessed with sex?" the man exclaimed, "You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
"A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer," quoted the professor. "Maybe that's why we all flunked your last test," came an anonymous retort from the rear of the lecture hall.
Business was bad, and the clothing store owner was out on the street trying to drum up business.
"You sir," he said to a prosperous looking man, "Surely you could use a new suit."
"Don't be silly," the man replied, "I have thirty two suits at home."
"In that case," said the store owner, "bring them in and I'll make you my partner."
John was going to a Catholic boarding school. On the first weekend break he went into town to check out the 'big city'. While he was in town he was repeatedly propositioned by women on the street, saying, "Ten bucks for a blow job." Upon returning to the catholic boarding school, he asked one of the nuns, "Sister, what is a qwickie?" The sister promptly replied, "Ten bucks same as in town ..."
The Texas oilman had just finished lunch at an expensive restaraunt. He left a modest tip, and was preparing to leave, when the waiter said, "You know, sir, your daughter always leaves a larger tip than that." "That all right for her," the financier growled, "She's got a rich father."
Two rich texans, J.D. the rancher, and Bo the oilman, were inseparable friends. One evening, they made a vow. Whichever one of them died first would try to contact the other from the spirit world. Not long after that, J.D. died. Bo was despondent, but he decided to start attending seances in the hopes of talking to his lifelong friend. For months, he had no luck. Then, it happened! He was at a seance when he heard his name called, "Bo, Bo, are yew there Bo?"
"J.D.," he replied excitedly, "J.D., is that yew?"
"Yes, Bo," the faroff voice said, "It's me." "J.D., where are yew?"
Bo asked, "What are yew doing?"
"Wayull," the disembodied drawled, "I get up, have something to eat, screw all morning long. Then it's lunch time, so I have another bite, then I screw most of the afternoon, take a nap, and it's time to eat again. I screw long into the night, and then I fall into a peaceful sleep."
"J.D.!" Bo cried, "Ya'll must be in heaven!"
"Heaven?" the voice sighed, "I'm a bull in Oklahoma ..."
An unemployed stripper begged her agent to find her work. He cautioned her that the only job available was at a longshoremen's convention--typically a rough gig. Because she was broke, she took the job anyway.
That evening, the agent walked into the hall just as the stripper began her act. Before long, the unruly crowd began pelting her with crushed beer cans and cigarette butts while shouting obscenities, issuing lewd catcalls and trying to manhandle her. Halfway through her performance, she ran off stage, sobbing.
"Look, they don't mean anything by it," the agent said consolingly. "They've just had too much to drink and----"
"No, no it's not them!" she exclaimed. "Did you hear that fucking band?"
Two miserable inhabitants of hell were taking a walk when a frigid breeze blew. A moment later, a storm dumped several inches of snow, reducing the blazing fires to sizzling steam. The men looked around in amazement. "What do you suppose is going on?" one asked. "Only thing I can figure," the other said, "is that the Cubs went to the series."
Two doctors were putting on the ninth green when one collapsed from a heart attack. "Help me," he groaned to his companion.
"Sorry, my malpractice insurance won't cover it," his partner replied, walking off the green, "but I'll get help."
A few minutes later, he returned, picked up his club and began lining up hit putt. The
man on the ground raised his head and screamed in Disbelief, "I'm dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'd come and help."
"The second hole? When the hell is he coming?"
"Hey, I told you not to worry," he said, stroking his put. "They're going to let him play through."
After a brief absence, a nurse returned to her station and was quickly pulled aside by one of her colleagues. "Shirley, your breast is out of your uniform!"
"Oh, shit," the rumpled nurse replied, glancing down. "Don't those damn doctors ever put anything away?"
Rumors in the fast-food industry have it that McDonald's is preparing to test-market a new burger made from bulls' lips. It'll be called the McJagger.
One day in Russia, Rudy, a Communist Party member, was discussing the upcoming stormy weather with his wife, Helga. Rudy said it looked like a huge rainstorm was coming,but Helga said it was surely snow! Rain, said Rudy insistently!Snow, said Helga,stubbornly! This went on for quite some time,until the exasperated husband finally said: Rudolph the Red, knows rain,dear!!!!!!!
I once called my girl friend and when a man answered the phone instead of her, I thought perhaps it was her boyfriend and said `Bob??' He told me I had reached a wrong number. I apologised and hung up. I dialed the number again, this time being *very* sure I dialed the right number. Again, a male voice answered, and, although it sounded like the same voice as before, I wasn't sure, so I again asked `Bob?'Alas, it was the *same* wrong number.
This was getting embarrassing, but I decided to try one more time. I dialed the number again, making absolutely certain it was the correct number. Guess what? The same male voice answered! I apologised profusely for bothering him again. He replied, `No problem', there was a pause, and he said `If you can't get a hold of Bob, I'm not busy tonight.'
A Bishop and a Congressman go to heaven, see, and they arrive at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter greets them and says that he's going to give them immediate room assignments.
So, St. Peter hands the Bishop some keys and says, "Here you are -- the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, Mr. Congressman, the keys to our finest penthouse suite!" And the Bishop says, "Wait a minute. This is unfair." And St. Peter says, "Look, Bishops are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first Congressman we've ever seen!"
A computer salesman, a computer hardware engineer, and a computer programmer were driving down the road, in the middle of nowhere, when they got a flat tire.
The salesman says, "The car is defective. We have to swap the whole thing in for a new one."
The hardware guy says, "Let's change the tires around until we see which one is flat."
And the programmer says, "Let's just drive on for a while. Maybe the problem will go away by itself."
Three nuns are in a car accident and they all die painfully. They then go to the pearly gates and they each have to answer a question correctly in order to pass.
Guy: Who was the guy with the big boat???
Nun: Ahhh,ahh, Noah.
Guy: Right! You may enter!
Guy: Who was the small dude???
Nun: ahhhh,ahhhh, David.
Guy: Right! You may enter!
Guy: What did adam say to eve in the back seat of their 57' Chevy???
Nun: Ahhhhhh, ahhhhha,ahhh-- That's a hard one!
Guy: Right! You may enter!
Two babies were born in the same hospital about the same time. They were placed side by side in the nursery for a couple of days before going home, never to see each other again. By a miraculous coincendence, when they were 83 years old with only a few days to live, they wound up side by side in a semi private hospital room. After a few minutes had passed, one of the men turned to the other and said ... Well, what did you think?
A judge in Petersborough, Ontario, upheld the eviction in June of a female college student from her apartment because of neighbors' complaints that she moaned too loudly during sex. One neighbor said the sound lasted up to an hour per session, with up to three sessions a night.
This nun walked into a liqour store. She walked up to the cashier and said, "Could you give me a bottle of whiskey?"
The man replied, "Sister, I can't, I really . . ."
"Please, I need it," the Nun interrupted.
"But Sister, I just . . ." The Cashier was again interuppted.
"Really, It's all right. It's for medical purposes."
"Medical purposes?" The Cashier asked.
"Oh . . . Well, I guess so. Here, take it for free, I just couldn't charge any money." The Cashier handed her a bottle of whiskey. She walked off with the bottle.
About four hours later, the cashier was locking up. And lo-behold, as he was walking to his car, there the nun was, on the other side of the street, weaving and swerving from side to side, singing a song. The cashier called out to her, "Sister, you told me it was for medical purposes!!"
The nun replied, "It is. You see, the Mother Superior is constipated, and when she sees me like this, she's gonna shit!"
A very old (ethnic) nun approaches the Pearly Gates and is met by Saint Peter who greets her with "Why Sister Angelic, after such a long devoted and virginal life the big guy says you can go back for five years as anyone you would like." Sister Angelic responds "I would be Aleksya Pipaleene!" Saint Peter says Aleksya Pipaleene I don't think I know her. So Sister Angelic pulls a faded newspaper cliping from her pocket which says: ALASKA PIPELINE LAID BY 5000 MEN
A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise. A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye. For some reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it. So he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor.
"How much for this?", he asks.
"I'd think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone who's bought it before has come back the next day to return it," says the proprietor.
"I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it."
The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item. He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the path.
"That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster.
A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen rats following him! He begins to break into a trot.
Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now he's running as fast as he can.
After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks over his shoulder...
Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him!
Now he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on him what's going on. He changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront. When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into the water. Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown!
The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is astonished to find him empty-handed.
"You didn't bring it back??" he inquires.
"No, I've got just one question. Do you have one that's shaped like a lawyer?"
A Greyhound bus was travelling up the Eastern Seaboard when a man in the back of the bus whispered to the people in front of him "Dere's a bm in the baroom." The word passed quietly and quickly from the back of the buss to the front of the buss..."Shhhh There's a bomb in the bathroom."...
The bus driver pulled the bus into the emergency lane and opened all doors. He quietly announced "Theres a bomb in the restroom.. Everyone please get out as quickly as possible"
They evacuated the bus, and the driver flagged down a Jersey State Patrolman, who had the road closed, and the people were evacuated about 1/2 mile away from the vehicle, out of harm's way.
The police bomb sniffing dog arrived to examine the scene, and led the officers back to the restroom, where an old man was quietly hiding. He smelled terrible, and was apparently homeless.
The police took this news back to the driver and passengers 1/2 mile away, telling everyone that there was just an old homeless guy in the rest room. About that time the old fellow from the last seat started breaking in... "I was trying to tell you.. There was a Bum in the rest room... Not a bomb.... A Bum...."
A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house.
"That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up."
"Fine,"said the lumberjack,"and tell her to bring a couple of beers."
In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her pussy.
"No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the old-fashioned way!"
"Sure,pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open them beers first."
Tired of the boring "straights" she'd been laying, a chick decided she'd find out if bikers were really the heavy "cocksmen" that she heard they were. So she picked up a gigantic bro and went went with him up to his pad. Stripped and ready, anxiously awaiting some real action, she was astonished to see that his fully erect crank was only two inches long.
"Who," she demanded scornfully,"do you think you're gonna satisfy with that?"
Grinning confidently, the bro replied,"Me!"
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile."
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.
The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him.
"Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything."
"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help."
"Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.
"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face."
A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."
There was this black boy in first grade, and all his white classmates made fun of him and said his pecker was twice as big as their's becuase he was black. This constant teasing upset him, so the black first grader went home and told his mama,
"All my white classmates tease me and say my pecker is twice as big as their's cuz I'm black, is that true?"
His mama said;" No son, it's not because you're black,....... it's cuz you're NINETEEN!
If you like sex and travel, go take a fuckin' hike
A missionary went to deepest, darkest Africa to win some converts. He took several cases of Dr Pepper with him as gifts. Unfortunately, he was killed by cannibals and cooked for dinner. They'd eat a leg and have a Dr Pepper, eat an arm and have a Dr Pepper, eat a rib and have a Dr Pepper and so on until all that was left was the missionary's "Thing" which they didn't eat. Do you know why? Because "Things go better with Coke".
Two missionaries go to deepest, darkest Africa to win some converts. They get captured by an angry tribe and thrown into a bamboo cage. The chief takes the first one out of the cage and explains that people accused of trespassing have the choice between two punishments, Bula-Bula or Death. The missionary, not wanting to die, chooses Bula-Bula.
The chief announces to the crowd that the decision is for Bula-Bula and the biggestwarrior of the tribe steps up and performs un-natural sex-acts on the missionary and then sets him free.
The chief takes the second missionary from the cage and asks him which punishment he would prefer and the missionary, preferring to die rather than be violated, chooses Death.
The chief anounces to the crowd the prisoner has chosen Death... By Bula-Bula!".
A dog goes into a bank, walks up to the loan officer, one Miss Patricia Wack, and proclaims that he needs to borrow some money. Well, this flusters Miss Wack a little so she starts asking questions trying to disqualify him. Finally she asks if he's got any colateral and in response he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little ivory elephant.
Now she doesn't know what to say so she goes over to the president of the bank and explains the whole thing.
He says "Well, does he have any colateral?". She shows him the ivory elephant. And he says "That's a knick-knack Patty Wack, give the dog a loan!"
This guy is golfing alone early in the morning. He lines up his tee shot, swings, and horribly shanks the ball. The ball careens out of bounds and hits a kid riding a skateboard square on the noggin. The kid falls under a passing Buick, which promtly runs over the kid and sideswipes a schoolbus, sending it violently into the convent across the street.
The golfer is understandably horrified. He looks around the empty golf course and runs to
the club house to get some help.
The golfer grabs the golf pro by the arm and starts yelling, "Oh my God! I sliced my drive and it hit a kid and he got run over and I killed a busload of kids and a bunch of nuns! What am I gonna do!?!?!?"
The golf pro calmly looks at the golfer and goes, "Keep your head down, your left arm straight and follow through."
A fisherman's wife wanted to get him something for his birthday, but only had $25. She goes to a department store and picks up a Rod that costs $15 and a reel that costs $10, and struggles with the decision and finally slips a spool of line under her blouse. As she lays down the rod at the checkout, it rolls off the counter... as she bends over to get pick it up, out pops the spool and she breaks wind...
The Clerk says, alright, thats $15 for the rod, $10 for the reel, $3.50 for the line and $4.50 for the duck-call wherever you have that hidden.
This GI gets sent overseas and gets one of the ladies pregnant. He tells her he has to go back to his wife now that the war is over, but he'll pay for the baby. Just use the code word "sauerkraut" when the baby is born so he knows when to send the cash. A few months later, his wife calls him at work and says they just received the strangest telegram...it read:
Sauerkraut, sauerkraut, sauerkraut; two with wieners, one without.
It was recently said that a lawyer was fishing in the Atlantic, when a sudden swell threw him into the water. A school of man-eating sharks immediately converged on him, but they lifted him out of the water, and carefully swam him to the shore, where he waded out of the water. He turned, and asked them why they had saved his life instead of eating him alive.
One of the sharks smiled, and said "Professional Courtesy!"
Two guys walk into a resturaunt to get a bite to eat. It's one of those 24 hour joints that will serve any meal at any time.
One guy says to the other, "I think I'm gonna have special #3, the tongue of beef.
The other guy says, "God, that's absolutely gross, how can you eat something that comes out of the mouth of an animal?
The first guy says, "Well, I just thought that I'd try something different. What are you gonna eat?"
The second guy says, "I'll have some eggs".
Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing. On board, a magician was giving a show to some passengers. The magician ALWAYS had a parrot on his shoulder. Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot would give it away. One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around it dissappeared! The parrot said "It's in his pocket, it's in his pocket". The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away.
The next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished. Again, the parrot said, "It's up his sleeve! It's up his sleeve!" The magician got mad because he couldn't keep any of his tricks secret. The parrot kept giving them away.
One day the cruise ship sank. The magician and the parrot managed to make it to an island where they stayed for about 3 months when the parrot, all of a sudden, burst out and asked: "Ok, I give up! Where'd you hide the ship?"
One day some scientists heard about a remote Island where there were Porpoises that lived forever!! So off they went to check it out.Upon arriving at the Island they discovered that there was also a huge colony of Mina Birds present.And,after further research,they found that the mina birds were the porpoise's main diet! Reasoning that somehow this was the reason for the porpoises immortality,they decided to capure some of the mina birds for further study. Enter the dilemma!--a huge and ferocous lion! Whenever the scientists came close to capturing a mina bird,the lion would appear and ruin everything!
So the scientists made a plan!They dug a deep pit,put some meat laced with a powerful sedative into it,covered the pit's opening with leaves and grass;and waited. Soon the lion came round,smelled the meat,fell into the pit,ate the meat,and fell fast asleep!!
The scientists grabbed as many mina birds as they could carry,raced across the pit,and were promptly arrested!Why? Transporting minas across sedated lions for immortal porpoises!!!
A man was walking down the street dragging his left foot behind him. Coming in the opposite direction he saw a man walking toward him who also was dragging one of his feet behind him as he walked. AS the two men met, the first one say, Vietnam 1969. The second one said, Dog shit...a half block behind me.
An Irishman was in the tailor shop lookin at his new suit in a three-way mirror. The tailor said.."Well, what do you think of it?" "Great, the Irishman said, I'll take all three of them."
The leper leaves and the hooker is standing in the open door way and a door across the hall opens and a john walks out and another hooker looks at the first hooker and says Hi, how's going?" the first hooker replies: "Business is falling off."
My wife and I were sitting out on our back porch, enjoying a glass of lemonade after a long hard day. A bird flew over and, with perfect aim left a deposit squarely in the middle of my wife's head. She reached up, felt the damage, and shouted: 'Quick, get some toilet paper'
'It wouldn't do any good', I quipped, 'He's miles away by now.'
The three wise men were riding their camels through the desert to Bethlehem. Finally they arrived at the manger containing Joseph, Mary, and their newborn son.
The first wise man, a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. After a few minutes he came running outside and shouted: 'I have seen him, the son of our lord!'
The second wise man, also a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. Soon he also came running outside shouting: 'I have seen the babe, our savior is born!'
The third wise man, a very tall towering figure of a man, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger: 'BOOOM', he hit his head on a rafter and shouted 'Jesus Christ'.
Mary looked up and said, 'Hey, ... that sounds a lot better than Claude.'
I bought my GF a new seat for her bike, one of those wide versions that fits a lady's pelvis a bit better than the OEM man's style. I put it on for her while she was in class, just before we were to go riding with a friend of ours. She came out to get her bike, and didn't at first realise the seat had been changed, but then the odor of new leather came to her, and she realized what I had done. We rode to Barry's house, picked him up and started riding down the valley route. She was a bit proud of the seat, so she told Barry I had gotten it, and that she hadn't caught on til she smelled the difference. And Barry quipped:"You mean you smell bicycle seats??"
King Arthur was about to go fight in the crusades. He felt sceptical about leaving his wife (a beautiful young woman) with his 100 servants. He decides to put a chastity belt on his wife so that if a man tried to screw her, he'd get his dick chopped off. When he came back from the crusades he had all of his servants line up in a row and drop their pants. All of them had their dicks chopped off except one man. "Son," King Arthur said, "Thank you for living up to the trust I have put on thee. I will grant you anything you want!" The servent replied in a very undistinguishable tone, "I wrruqbrg gwergnewrgh"!
There was this 12 year old girl that got stuck with a pin but she didn't feel the prick until she was 18.
The guy out hunting ducks. He shot one and it fell in a farmer's yard. When he went in to get it, the farmer came out and they got into an argument about who owned the duck. Farmer said it was his as it was on his property. The hunter said his as he'd shot it. After a few minutes, the farmer said, "We'll settle this country style, We kick each other in the crotch in turn and the last guy standing gets the duck."
The hunter wasn't too keen on this, but agreed. Farmer said he got the first kick as it was his property. He laid in a good one and the hunter spent the next ten minutes rolling around on the ground in agony. Finally, he recovered enough to take his turn. "Ready?" he asked. The farmer said, "Ah, hell take the damned duck!"
Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. Finally Finn went to the chemistry department at his college, to see if anyone there might be able to help.
Tom Trom looked into the problem, and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water, and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Trom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that, and, most critically, one part of sodium. "You mean?..." Jim said when told. "Yes," said Tom. "They needed mono-sodium glue to mate."
While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!" Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a paranoid pessamist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him! In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him!
What is the moral of this story? Better Nate than lever!
King John and King Paul had been at war for years, and King Paul was getting tired of it. He decided to make peace between himself and King John. So he sent his eldest son, his most trusted Prince, to see King John and arrange the peace. Well, the Prince travelled for days and finally arrived at King John's castle.
It was a huge stone fortress, surrounded by a deep moat which was filled with tiny Piranha-like fish called Yellow Fingers. These Yellow Fingers could strip a cow to the bones in minutes! So the Prince yelled up to the guards, "Lower your drawbridge! I come from King Paul to arrange the peace." They did lower the drawbridge, but just as the prince put one foot on it, they yanked the drawbridge back up again, causing the prince to flip into the moat, where he was eaten by the Yellow Fingers.
When King Paul heard this he was very upset, but he was still determined to make the peace. So he sent his most trusted Barons as his emissaries. One by one they were tricked into falling in the moat. King Paul sent his Dukes. They too were eaten by the fish. Finally no one was left n the castle but a little page boy. "Page," said King Paul wearily, you are my last hope. You must make the peace between King John and me. lad, and good luck."
The page went to the drawbridge "I come from King Paul to arrange the peace!" As they had done many times before, King John's men lowered the bridge, then yanked it back up just as the victim put a foot on it. But a strange thing happened. The page, instead being eaten, walked right along the bottom of the moat, climbed onto drawbridge, and entered the castle. King John was so impressed by this that he made peace! What is the moral?
Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
Old Chief Gnarled Oak, turned into a millionaire by the discovery of oil on his reservation, was proud and pleased when his two boys were accepted into a swank yacht club. For years, it seemed, his one consuming ambition was to see his red sons in the sail set.
The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices up and up till all the people in Quakertown were talking about the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
The story about the two Irishmen who went hunting together, They bagged a moose and, being big strapping fellows, tucked a hind leg each under an arm and began dragging the moose back to their vehicle. Another hunter came along and suggested that dragging the moose by the hind legs created a lot of extra friction with the hair digging into the ground. He suggested they'd be better off dragging it by the front legs and the hair would then slip over the ground more easily. They took his advice and a few minutes later, one said to the other,
"Dat guy know what he was talkin' about, Dis is a lot easier." The other agreed and said,
"Only thing woriies me is, we're getting a hell of a long way from the truck!"
When Mary Poppins grew too old for the nanny business, she moved out to L.A., to open a fortune-telling shop and mouth-wash store. She hung a sign out her window upon opening, which said: "SUPER CALIFORNIA MYSTIC. EXPERT: HALITOSIS"
Dig a very large hole and layer the bottom with about a foot of ash. Then put a line of peas around the top of the hole. When the elephant comes to take a pea, kick him in theash-hole.
The Travelling Salesman was weekending in a small town whose single industry was the manufacture of coin operated machines. It was very quiet on Saturday night so he asked the desk clerk if there was anything going on in town.
"No," replied the clerk, "but the factory has a demo room that's open all the time. They have some new machines there and you can try them out."
The T/S went to the factory and found a number of interesting machines in operation. One large one had a small hole in the front of it and was labled, "YOUR WIFE AWAY FROM HOME". He thought this an excellent idea, so opened his fly, stuck his member into the hole and inserted a dollar bill. There was immdeiate and noisy operating inside the machine and when he withdrew his member, there was a button sewn on the end of it!
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticably outraged and stormed over to the door. The Doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit all!!! I said `a BUTT LIGHT'!!!"
The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty.
The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money.
The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.
People felt sorry for the poor little Russian boy with his arms full of newspapers. But Ivan held his head high with pride, for after all, he did have a clutch of Tass.
There once was a yellow toad. He was a very unhappy toad because he had no friends. Thus, he consulted a magician, who was able to turn him brown, except for his private parts. When queried, the magician said, "For that you must see the Wizard; I never have much luck with those." On the way to see the Wizard, the toad encountered a pink elephant, who was leaning against a rock and crying.
"What's the matter?" asked the toad.
"I'm pink! That's what's the matter." said the elephant.
"No problem," said the toad, "just go see the magician."
So the elephant did, and the magician turned him grey - except, again, for his private parts.
"For that you must see the Wizard," said the magician.
"How do I find the Wizard?" asked the elephant.
"Simple," said the magician, "just follow the yellow-prick toad!"
As Ensigns in the Navy, Bill and Bob were assigned to the detail that goes to the parents' house to break the sad news, in this case that a son had been killed at sea in a plane crash. Bill was very uncomfortable with the role, and is barely able to stammer through these words:
"Mrs. Jones, ah, it's my sad duty to, um, inform you your son was killed in the service of your country."
She breaks down in tears and moans, "Oh, I'll never be able to look at him in his coffin."
And Bob says, "Oh, don't worry about that; it's no problem... They didn't recover his body."
A rope went into a bar where a sign prominently displayed proclaimed "NO ROPES SERVED".
"Can't you read the sign? It says 'NO ROPES SERVED'," said the beertender.
Dejected, the rope went home and put on a disguise--dark glasses, heavy overcoat, mussy hair. Back to the bar he went.
"Hey, I know you, you were in here before. You're a rope, and the sign says .;.. well you know what it says. Now >O*U*T Truly down in the mouth now, the rope was at his wits' end. He went home and cut off his ends and unraveled himself into his component twiney parts, and tied himself up into a big half-hitch. He then returned to the bar, tattered ends dragging, and draped himself over the chair.
"May I help you?" asked the barman. "Wait ... there's something awfully familiar about you ... didn't I throw you outa here twice already? Are you a rope?"
"No," replied the rope, "I'm a frayed knot."
Bob, Don and Joe were lifelong friends. Suddenly one day Joe disappeared. Everybody was helping Bob and Don find Joe, until Bob and Don remembered that Joe had two assholes.
"How do you know that?" someone asked Bob.
"Simple," he replied, "Every time we're with Joe, somebody always says 'Here comes Joe with the two assholes.'"
An elderly man walked into the church and took a seat in a confessional.
"Father," he said, "I am making love twice a day to an eighteen-year-old girl."
"Mr. Solomon, you're Jewish," the priest replied.
"Why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everyone!"
"Make it a double, Joe," the dejected man told the bartender. "I just got the shock of my life. I caught my wife srewing my best friend."
"Paul, that's awful. What did you do?"
"I hit him in the nose with a newspaper and sent him to bed with no Kibbles N Bits."
Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do pushups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing.
One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said,"Look, pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right time comes, I am going to be that one."
A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others. All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with all his migh. "Go back! Go Back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station. The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar" she whispered back, there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up, won't he?"
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shouldeer nad beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hiar, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
During the long boring cycle of life, you only have 2 things to worry about. You have to worry about being well, or being sick.
If you are well, you have nothing to worry about. If you are sick, you have 2 things to worry about: If you are going to get better, or if you are going to get worse. If you are going to get better, you have nothing to worry about.
If you are going to get worse, you only have 2 things to worry about: If you are going to live of if you're going to die. If you are going to live, you have nothing to worry about.
If you are going to die, you only have 2 things to worry about: If you are going to go to Heaven, or if you are going to go to Hell. If you are going to go to Heaven, you have nothing to worry about.
If you are going to go to Hell, you will probably be so busy shaking hands with friends that you will have nothing to worry about.
Little Eddie was bent over his desk when the teacher came up and asked him, "Eddie, what are you doing?"
Eddie said, "I'm drawing a picture of God."
"But Eddie," the teacher said, "nobody knows what God looks like."
"They will when I get finished!"
Dolly Parton and Princess Di died, and both of them arrived at the Pearly Gates simultaneously. St. Peter told them, "Our computer is down right now, so we can only take one person right now. You must show me which one of you is best qualified to enter Heaven".
Dolly opened her blouse and said "How about *THESE*!?!"
"Oh, WOW!", said St. Peter, "that's really impressive".
"Can you compete with this?", he asked Lady Di.
Lady Di lifted up her skirt, squatted, and douched!
"OK, welcome to Heaven Lady Di!", said St. Peter.
Dolly was taken back aghast, "But what about *THESE*???", she said.
St. Peter replied "Everyone knows a royal flush beats a pair."
Hear the one about two teanagers, about to make love in the back seat of a car? The girl says "Will you respect me in the morning? Do you Love me?"
He answered " I'd like to tell you that you are the most wonderful girl in the whole world, that I will respect you forever and that I love you more than 10,000 sockeye salmon. I'd like to tell you that... but..."
During the Vietnam war the government did a study on which ethnic group was most often killed. After months of studying the government came out with these results:
Ethnic Group Percent Killed
The President was shocked at finding that blacks were being killed so much more often. He asked Westmoreland why this was. Westmoreland replied,' Well sir, when an enemy mortor streaks towards our trenches, one of the men would yell 'In-coming! Get down' and all the blacks would stand up and boogie'.
Farmer Brown got an irate call one night from Farmer Jones.
"Brown, your boy has been up here pissing in the snow!"
Farmer Brown was a bit surprised, but replied, "Well, how do you know it was him?"
Jones came back, "Because it's his name that's spelled out."
Farmer Brown was still not convinced anything was wrong. "Gee, Jones, I don't see anything wrong with that."
This really outraged Farmer Jones. "Consarn it, Brown, don't you think I know my own daughter's handwriting when I see it?"
"Doctor, it's my husband -- I think he needs psychiatric help."
"Why, what seems to be the trouble?"
"Well, he pees in the swimming pool."
"Look, Mrs. Jones, EVERYONE pees in a swimming pool!"
"Yeah, but from the HIGH DIVE?!?"
I once knew a medical man who loved frozen daiquiris. He was at a bar one night drinking one when a piece of hickory-wood form the ceiling fell into the glass. So I said that it was a hickory daiquiri, doc!
Running over a baby.
What's grosser than gross?
Skidding on it.
What's grossest of all?
Peeling him off the tire.
At a busy military airport awhile ago, a small, single-seat jet fighter was taxiing along an access strip prior to take off when it came to an intersection. Also approaching this intersection from the left was a huge C-5A, one of those cargo planes that carries armored battalions complete with equipment.
You may have noticed that very few of these intersections have red-lights; the fighter pilot, quite sure of the consequences of a collision, radioed to the control tower:
"What are the intentions of the C-5A?"
At this point the front cargo doors of the C-5A began to swing open, and a deep voice came over the air: "I'm going to eat you . . ."
Arriving home early one afternoon, a man found his wife lying naked in the bedroom. Gazing around, he spotted a pair of bare feet protruding from under the curtains.
"Who the hell are you?" he yelled as he whipped the curtains back.
"I'm from the Government," replied the quick-witted man. "I'm a moth inspector."
"Oh, yeah? What are you doing stark-naked?"
"Oh, my God!" he exclaimed, glancing down.
"I'm too late."
Mikhail Gorbachev woke up one morning feeling great. He walked to his window, saw the sun coming up and crowed, "Good morning, sun!"
As he turned away, he was startled to hear a great, booming voice say, "Good morning, Comrade.
Good morning to you and the great Union of Soviet Socialist Republics."
Gorbachev quickly woke Raisa and his closest aides, took them to the window and said, "Good morning, Comrade sun."
Again the voice boomed, "Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and to the rest of the glorious party."
Gorbachev sat down to his day's work, convinced he was destiny's child. Later, as the sun was setting, he walked to the window and said, "Good evening to you, Comrade sun."
When no response came, he repeated the salutation again and again, growing increasingly impatient with the silence. "Sun! I'm talking to you!" he suddenly screamed.
"Fuck you, asshole! the voice thundered back. "I'm in the West now!"
On his honeymoon, an elderly man turned to his young bride, complaining, "Darling, you're gonna kill me. How can I tell if I'm having an orgasm or a heart attack?"
"That's easy," she responded. "If you grab your chest, it's a heart attack; if you grab mine, it'san orgasm."
You know you're having a bad day when the town nymphomaniac tells you she likes you, but just as a friend.
As the woman was instructing the new maid on the great care required in handling certain valuable household objects, she pointed to the dining room and said with obvious satisfaction,
"That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth."
"Oh, that's nothing," the maid interjected. "My whole living-room set goes back to Sears the fifteenth."
An attractive woman walked into an elevator in a Manhattan office building and found herself alone with Donald Trump. As the elevator began to rise, she turned to him and said, "You know, Mr. Trump, if I push this red button, the elevator will stop and I could kneel down and give you the best damn blow job you've ever had."
"I'm sure you could," trump said, "but what's in it for me?"
Running over a baby.
What's grosser than gross?
Skidding on it.
What's grossest of all?
Peeling him off the tire.
Even grosser yet: Taking it home as Road kill.
The teacher instructed the class to draw a picture from something in the Bible. As she walked around the room, she noticed one child drawing a picture of a car with 3 faces in it. "What part of the bible is that from?" she asked.
"Oh, that's God driving Adam and Eve out of Eden".
Jack and Jill are married and love each other. Jack from time to time thinks Jill has affairs with Tom, Dick, or Harry, but he is wrong.
Jack's best friend is John.
John's wife leaves him, and Jack invites John to stay with him and Jill.
While Jill is consoling John, John fucks Jill. Jill thus discovers that Jack can't trust John.
Enraged at John's betrayal of Jack, Jill tells Jack he can't trust John, but not why.
Jack feels Jill is jealous of John and him and is trying to break up their friendship.
Jack leaves Jill
Jack and John go off together.
Have you heard the three biggest lies?
1. I'll respect you in the morning.
2. The cheque is in the mail.
3. I will not come in your mouth.
A man and a woman were pulled over by a state trooper.
Trooper: "You wer doing 75 MPH."
Man: "No, I wasn't, I wass only going 55 MPH".
Trooper: "Hey, lady, he was doing 75, right?"
Woman: "Oh, officer, I learned years ago not to argue with him when he's drunk!"
Four women were sitting around talking.
First woman says, "My son, he wears a black skull cap and black cossack. When he walks into a room all the people get up and say, 'Oh, my Father!'".
Second woman says, "So? My son, he wears a red skull cap and red cossack. When he walks into a room all the people get up and say, 'Oh, my Reverence!'".
Third woman says, "Ach! My son, he wears a white skull cap and white cossack. When he walks into a room all the people get up and say, 'Oh, my Holiness!'".
The fourth woman says, "That's nothing. My son, he is 5'2" tall and 442 pounds. When he walks into a room all the people get up and say, 'Oh, my GOD!'".
When Alexander The Great was waging war on the entire known world of his time, it chanced that he recieved a slight spear-wound on his wrist. Wrapping an old cloth around it, he continued the battle.
After victory was his, one of his aides noticed that the dried blood on the rag around Alexander The Great's wrist was lining up on it in such a way that if one looked at it in the light of the sun it resembled a sundial; and you could tell the correct time!
So they called it: Alexander's Rag-Time-Band.
There was this little kid in grade 2 whose name was Johnny. He went to school with grade 2's. (!) Anyway, every Monday, after school the teacher would ask the student's in Johnny's class some trivia questions; if they answered the questions correctly, the teacher promised them that they wouldn't have to go to school for the rest of the week.
One Monday, the teacher asked the students: "What is the chemical symbol for Potassium"
Since the kids were only in gr. 2, they didn't even know what potassium was.
The next Monday, the teacher asked: "In what year did Mt. St. Helen's first explode?"
Of course, the students didn't answer. Johnny was getting kind of peeved with these kind of questions. The next Monday, Johnny brought a pair black squash balls to school with him. Just as the teacher was about to ask the weekly question, Johnny rolled the marbles toward the front of the room. The teacher, not seeing him, got agitated and said "Alright, whose the comedian with the 2 black balls?"
Johnny, just a-laughing answered "Bill Cosby, See ya next week!"
There were these 3 guys driving back to Toronto, Ontario who were visiting some friends in Terrace B.C. As they approached Red Deer, Alberta, their car all of a sudden broke down. Luckily, they were near a house, situated on a great big farm. They rapped on the house door. A big, scruffy looking farmer answered it;
"Yeah, what could I do for you boys?"
The first guy told them about their car, and wondered if he could possibly give them a hand.
"Well, it's too damn late out, I s'pose you could stay the night here, on the grounds that you keep yer paws off my wife and daughter. You folks stay in the basement. If you need help, we'll be upstairs."
Gratefully, the guys accepted.
At around one o'clock, the first guy though 'What the hell,' and decided to check out the daughter. He slipped out of the bed, and headed upstairs- the stairs, however, creaked as walked up. The first guy heard the sound of a shotgun being loaded and a gruff voice -
"Who the hellizat?!"
The first guy had to think fast!
"A whew, just the cat" the farmer said. The first guy went back to bed.
About an hour later, the second guy decided to check out the daughter- He did what the first guy did, the farmer pulled out his shotgun-
"Who the hellizat?!" - "Meow-Meow"
"Whew, just the cat" and the second guy returned to bed.
The third guy, not as intelligent as the rest, decided to check out the daughter. He climbed up the stairs, it creaked, and suddenly he heard the sound of a shotgun being loaded-
"Who in the hell is that?!"
The third guy had to think fast!
"It's the Cat!!"
I was in the city the other day, when a drunk came up to me and said "for $10 I'll teach you to talk like an Indian! I said "how?" He said, "see, you're learning already"
"Mrs. Jones, can Billy come out and play baseball with us?" "Johnny you know Billy can't play baseball he was born with no arms or legs." "That's O.K. we want to use him as second base."
A really stupid man walks into a drug store and says he wants to buy a condom. The druggist says, "Fine. That'll be $1.10."
"$1.10!?" says the man.
Yes," the druggist says. "One dollar for the condom and ten cents for the tax."
"Tacks?!!!" says the stupid man. "I thought you rolled them on."
One day a big swarm of bees came through town. All of the bees swarmed over to the Shell Gas Station except one, who went to the Esso station. Moral: There's an Esso bee in every crowd.....
Hear about the Gay hacker in Australia who left his wife and went back to Sydney???
Then there was that famous composer Bach, who, whenever he worked away from home, developed a hearty appetite. So every time he went on a trip he packed a huge lunch:6 sandwiches, 3 apples, some cheese, and a selection of cookies. This became known as a "Bach's Lunch."
When Billy Shakespeare went swimming one day he was obsessed with the notion that gypsy moths had been feeding on the back of his trunks! He asked a friend to investigate and make a thorough search. The friend replied, "No holes, bard."
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
Have you heard the one about the tribe of Basques who lived in this valley? They heard that barbarian hoards were approaching, so they decided to lay a trap. They all waited in the hills at the entrance to the valley. When the barbarians passed by, they descended on them. Unfortunately, the barbarians had a lot more experience at warfare than the Basques did, and the Basques got slaughtered.
The moral: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.
Benny was very lonely. One day a Genie appeared to him and said: "Benny,I will send you the girl of your dreams- My only command to you is that you grow a long beard, and never shave it off" Well, Benny was overjoyed and soon was as happy as can be!
For many years this happiness continued, but one day Benny thought to himself: "it's been so long,it will be OK if I shave now". So Benny shaved off his beard;and an hour later was struck by lightning and burned to death.
What is the moral of this story? A Benny shaved is a Benny burned!!!!
Two guys were drinking in a bar. The second guy says to the first guy
"You want to see something amazing?" and pulls out of his pocket a miniature piano.
The first guy says "What is so amazing about that?"
The second guy then reaches down and brings up a little man, puts him at the piano, and the little man starts playing.
The first guy, amazed at what he saw asked "Where did you get that?"
The second gut said, "I was walking along the beach when I found this bottle. When I rubbed it this genie came out and said I could have one wish. Apparently he was hard of hearing because he gave me a 12-inch pianist."
Two guys walk into a bar - one is very handsome, and obviously quite well off; the other is loud, obnoxious and a general jerk to everyone he encounters. the bartender asks the first man "What are you hanging around with HIM for?"
The man replies, "well - I found this bottle on the beach; when I opened it, a genie appeared and said he'd grant me three wishes. my first wish was to be the best looking man in the world. and now I am, my second wish was to be the richest man in the world. now I lend Michael Jackson money, my third wish was to have the world's biggest prick; that's when HE showed up..."
Two contestants on a TV game show were in the final round. Mr. Cohn was way ahead of Mr. Schine, but just as the buzzer was rung, Schine slipped ahead, and won! When asked what prize he wanted, he stated that he wanted a horse. The game show host asked why, and was told : I want a horse so I can name it 'Harvest Moon.' Then I can have a portrait painted, and call it "Schine on Harvest Moon."
Overheard in court one day:
Judge - What's your name?
Prisoner - Sparks
Judge - What's the charge?
Prisoner - Assault and battery
Judge - Well, lock him in a dry cell!
All the best chess players were at a big tournament. They hung out for the first hour in the hallway, bragging to each other about all their recent victories. Suddenly, the hotel manager threw them all out of the hallway. When asked why, he replied: "I hate chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"
A dentist was obsessed by dental floss! His obsession was so great that he bought a roan horse to help him gather floss for his growing collection. Another dentist became even more compulsive and stole the horse!!, But the horse refused to help the second dentist!
Moral??? A stolen roan gathers no floss!
She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still!
"You will pay for eating that apple", God said adamantly!
"I'm glad you got your headlight fixed", she beamed!!
"I've dropped my toothpaste", he said crestfallen.
Two of New England's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and his brother Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships. Most agree that although Dick is a fine shipbuilder, he's not the rigger Mort is.
Three guys were having an argument about who was more generously endowed. Finally, to settle the matter once and for all, they went up to the top of the Empire State Building and proceeded to unzip their flies.
"Pretty good, huh?" said Mort, whose organ was hanging all the way down to the fifty-seventh floor.
"I got you beat cold," said Bill, whose member was dangling just below a window on the forty-ninth.
They looked over at the third guy, who was dancing a curious sort of jig, jumping from one foot to the other and peering anxiously over the edge of the observation deck.
"What the hell are you doing, Harry?" they asked.
"Dodging traffic!" he replied.
I say to the doctor, "It seems as I get older, my ears get bigger!".
The doctor, he say to me, "This is not unusual. All extremities tend to get larger as we get older.".
I tell the doctor "Well, maybe this is good thing, this might do something for my weenie!".
The doctor says "You know, the problem with them ears, is when they get big they get floppy.".
There was a newly married couple and the wife was just a bit unsure of herself around the house. One day a floorboard on the back porch broke and when her hubbie came home she asked if he could fix it. "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE A CARPENTER", he bellowed, "call a carpenter to fix it."
A few days later she had an electrical problem and again waited for her husband to come home and again got this response, "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE,AN ELECTRICIAN? call an electrician to fix it."
Well a couple of weeks past and when the husband came home from work his wife told him that there had been a problem with the plumbing, but, she had called the plumber and everything had been taken care of. "Great!" he said, "that's the way to do things, how much did he charge?" "Well", she told him, "he wanted either 10 pies, or sex." "I hope you gave him the pies" he said. "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE BETTY CROCKER"
The doctor told Henry that he had cancer and could expect to live only another 4 to 5 weeks. Henry told his buddies he was dying of AIDS. Doc called Henry in to ask him why he was saying it was AIDS instead of cancer. Henry replied, "I don't want anybody messing with my wife after I'm gone."
I used to live in Wyoming, in a small town called Frontier. Needless to say, there wasn't much to do besides drink in a local bar called the Frontier Bar. One day, me and my mining buddies were tossing down a few cool ones, and a dog walks in, walks up to the bar and says, "Gimme a beer".
Evidently this type of thing isn't too rare in Wyoming, because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here."
The dog then took out a dollar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer."
This scene had the potential to get ugly.
The bartender said one more time, "We do not serve dogs here. Please leave."
The dog growled, and then the bartender pulled out a gun and shot the dog in the foot. The dog yelped, and ran out the door. The next day, I happened to be in the same establishment, and we were again drinking a few beers. Then, the swinging bar doors were tossed open, and in walks the dog we saw the day before. He was dressed all in black. A black cowboy hat, a black vest, three black cowboy boots and one black bandage. The dog looks around, waits for the talking to quiet down, and says,
"I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
Guy looking for his friend pops in a barber shop and asks:
Hey! Bob Peters here?
No. Just heads.
A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him into Texas for the first time. After reaching his first stop in Texas, it was late so he checked into a motel. And went to it's restaurant for diner. He ordered a small beer. The waitress brought him a huge mug.
"Waitress" he said," I ordered a small beer."
She said," this is Texas, in Texas this is a small beer."
Then he ordered a petite steak and the waitress brought him a two inch thick stake so big the sides of it were hanging off the edge of the pater.
"Waitress, I ordered a petite stake"
She told him that in Texas that was a petite stake. After a while all that beer was getting to him, so he ask the waitress where the rest room was. She told him to go down the hall two doors and turn to the RIGHT. He staggered down the hall two doors, turned LEFT,and walked into the hotel swimming pool. As he bobbed to the surface, he screamed,
"DON'T FLUSH IT!"
One day a proud father brought his 21 year old son into a neighborhood bar for a birthday drink. This is not unusual except that this proud fathers son had no body, he was just a head. The father ordered to crown royals over and gave his son a sip. POP the son suddenly had a body! Amazed the father gave him another sip and POP he sprouted legs! The father overcome with joy gave him another sip and POP he sprouted arms! Complete and Amazed the son raised his glass and took the final sip in his glass and KABOOM he exploded all over the bar!
The Point to All This long Winded Shit: Always Know and Quit When Your A-Head!
A Pole goes into store and ask clerk for a link of Polish Sausage. The clerk ask him if he is polish and this makes him angry as hell so he ask the clerk if he would have asked him if he were Italian if he had ordered Italian sausage. The clerk simply replied that he would not have asked. The Pole then wanted to know why then did he ask if he were Polish. The clerk replied "Because this is a hardware store"
A couple were relaxing on their front lawn one day when a couple of sailors walked by. One sailor complimented them on their lovely peach tree. The husband replied, "thanks, but it's a plum tree, actually." The sailor said, "Sorry, but you're mistaken, it is a peach tree." The wife spoke up, "Look, he knows fruit, salts."
A draftee went for his physical wearing a truss and with papers that were stamped "M.E." for "Medically Exempt". Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical. At the end of the examination the doctor stamped "M.E" on his papers.
"Does this mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked the doctor.
"No," replied the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East.
Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can ride a camel."
Three nuns got lost downtown and ran into some not so clean guys. They go to the Mother Superior and the first nun says, "I saw this man's penis what should I do?"
Mother Superior says, "Go wash out your eyes with holy water."
The second nun comes up and says, "I touched a man's penis what should I do?"
Mother Superior says, "Go wash your hands with holy water".
While the first two nuns are cleansing themselves with holy water the third nun shouts, "Stand aside I have to gargle!"
Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must answer a question."
Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?"
She says, "Oh thats easy, that was Adam."
Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven.
So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman on earth?"
She says "Oh that's easy that was Eve."
Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven.
So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one."
Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven!
Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," said one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane flight. He had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable when one of the Arabs nudged him and said,"Hey, Jew, go get us some orange juice."
To avoid any trouble, the Israeli did so. When he left, both Arabs spit in his shoes.
The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs gulped down. The rest of the flight was uneventful. The plane landed, and the Israeli put on his shoes and felt the squishing inside.
He turned to the Arabs and said,"If there is ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the Arabs will have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews will have to stop pissing in the Arabs' orange juice."
Three doctors were talking about the amazing things being done in medicine. The first said, "Six weeks ago a man came in after losing a hand in an accident just as a car crash victim was brought in dead on arrival. I took a hand from the dead man and sewed it on the worker's stump, and today he's out looking for a job."
The second physician said,"That's not so amazing. Six months ago I gave a blind man a pair of dead man's eyes, and today he's out looking for a job."
The third doctor said,"Neither of those cases tops this one. A year and a half ago we took an asshole out of California, put it in the White House, and today everybody is out looking for a job."
Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into the airport men's room, pissed,and quickly headed for the door. At one of the sinks a Marine sergeant was washing his hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, buddy, in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom."
The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at the Marine. "Well, I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught us not to piss on our hands!"
Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked him how it went. "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said."The second night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."