What is worse than a bull in a China shop?
A dingo in a nursery.

What has six legs and runs around Ayers Rock?
A dingo with a baby in its mouth.

What are test-tube babies most afraid of?
A dingo with a straw.

How do you bring up a baby in the Northern Territory?
Stick your fingers down a dingo's throat.

What is the definition of suspicion?
A dingo pushing a pram around Ayers Rock.

Why did the dingo eat the little girl?
She was dressed up like a dog's dinner.

What is the definition of revenge?
A baby with a dingo in its mouth.

What do you call two babies in a pram on the top of Ayers Rock?
Meals On Wheels.

What did one dingo say to the other dingo as they stood outside the tent at Ayers Rock?
Shall we eat in, or take away?

What do vegetarian dingoes eat?
Cabbage Patch Kids.

What kind of wood doesn't float?
Natalie Wood.

What is the similarity between a Russian fighter pilot and a pair of skis?
They both shoot down slopes.

Where was the Korean airliner headed?
Everywhere.

Who taught Grace Kelley to drive?
Edward Kennedy.

What is silver and red and flies through the air?
Jack Newton's wristwatch.

What is the force required to stop an aeroplane propellor?
Half a Newton.

Why doesn't Jack Newton fly QANTAS?
It costs an arm and a leg.

Why did Jack Newton walk into the propellor?
To better his handicap.

What's Jack Newton's favorite song?
"Drop the Pilot" by Joan Trade-An-Arm-In.

What's worse than playing Jack Newton at golf?
Picking him up at the airport.

What is the temperature in North Adelaide?
Minus one Kelvin.

What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts.

How do you fit eleven astronauts in a mini?
Two in the front, two in the back, and seven in the ashtray.

Why did the Australian Cricket Team travel to Cape Canaveral?
To recover The Ashes.

What is the difference between NASA and Peter Russell-Clarke?
One teaches cooking and the other cooks teachers.

What do you call a penis washed up on a Florida beach?
A shuttle cock.

What was the colour of Christa McCauliffe's eyes?
Blue - one blew this way and one blew that way.

What were Christa McCauliffe's last words?
"What does this button do?"

What is the Astronauts' favorite drink?
7-UP.

Where are the Astronauts holidaying this year?
All over Florida.

Why was Christa McCauliffe voted Teacher of the Year for 1986?
She only blew up once in front of the class.

Why did they only send one nigger on the last Challenger mission?
They didn't know that it was going to blow up.

What is red and travels at 50,000 kilometres per hour?
An apple for the teacher.

When is the next shuttle going up?
On the Fourth of July.

What was the Australian theory for the shuttle disaster?
A dingo with a jet-pack.

Where did Kevin Barlow plan to go when he got back from Malaysia?
Noosa Heads.

Why was Mrs. Barlow more successful than the Australian Cricket Team?
She was able to bring home The Ashes.

How did Chambers and Barlow get to Malaysia?
On a Singapore Airlines Swingaway Holiday.

Why did Kevin Barlow's girlfriend like him?
Because he was well hung.

Why did Brian Chambers take Kevin Barlow with him to Malaysia?
To show him the ropes.

Who died first - Chambers or Barlow?
It was a tie: neck-and-neck.

What's more dangerous than the Sydney Funnel-Web?
The Malaysian Trap-Door.

What was the name of Rock Hudson's last movie?
Back Passage To India.

Why did they bury Rock Hudson with his bum up?
In case one of his friends wanted to slip in for a cold one.

How did AIDS get into America?
Up the Hudson.

Did you hear how they're going broke up in Heaven?
Rock Hudson's up there blowing all the prophets.

What is the difference between a cow and a crocodile?
Cows prefer green fields, crocodiles prefer Ginger Meadows.

What is the difference between a crocodile and a dingo?
Crocodiles prefer older women.

What do you do if you see a crocodile with a string hanging out of it's mouth?
Give it a yank.

What would you find in Kevin Arnett's survival kit?
A 22-calibre rifle.

What is the quickest way to get from Collingwood to Heidelberg?
Shoot down Hoddle Street.

Why was the girl in the service station in Hoddle Street so upset?
She had asked for unleaded.

Why did Rudolf Hess commit suicide?
Somebody finally got around to giving him the gas bill.

What is the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?
The pigeon can still afford to leave a deposit on a Ferrari.

What do you call a yuppie stockbroker?
Waiter.

What do you call a stockbroker with a smile on his face?
Retired.

What is the main difference between a Londoner and a Smartie?
Smarties don't melt in the tube.

What is the new name for King's Cross Underground Station?
Blackfriars.

What has four legs and goes "woof"?
The Piper Alpha oil platform.

What is rusty and leans against Canterbury Cathedral?
Terry Waite's bicycle.

What's the difference between Salman Rushdie and a corpse?
About two weeks at the most.

What's the difference between an Iranian funeral and an English soccer match?
They serve beer at an English soccer match.

Why do Chinese tanks have handbrakes?
For parking on the slopes.

What does it cost to educate the average Chinese student?
Two bullets.

What did the Chinese tank driver find when he was cleaning his tank?
A chink in the armour.

What is harder to get than toilet paper in Moscow?
A student loan in Beijing.

Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side?
He's all right now.

What is the worst part about a heart-lung transplant?
Coughing up someone else's phlegm.

What part of the vegetable is the hardest to eat?
The wheelchair.

What do you give a deaf, dumb and blind thalidomide victim for Christmas?
Cancer.

How do you identify a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.

How does a blind parachutist know when he's near the ground?
When his dog's leash goes slack.

What do you call a leper in a hot bath?
Soup.

What's green and melts in your mouth?
A leper's cock.

How do you know when a leper has sent you a letter?
His tongue is still stuck on the stamp.

Why did the leper leave the party early?
Everyone kept dipping their Jatz in his back.

Why did the leper prostitute go out of business?
Business kept falling off.

Why did they have to call off the leper's hockey game?
There was a face left in the goal.

What did the leper say to the prostitute when they had finished?
Keep the tip.

How do you make a skeleton?
Put a leper in a wind tunnel.

How do you make sausages?
Put a sock over the end of the wind tunnel.

What's the definition of a Chicko Roll?
A leper in a sleeping bag.

What do lepers fear most?
A Kampuchean with a knife and fork.

Why did the leper fail his driving test?
He left his foot on the clutch.

What happened to the leper on the trampoline?
He strained himself.

Hear about the lepers in the swimming pool?
It was a casserole.

Did you hear about the lepers playing cards?
One threw his hand in and the others laughed their heads off.

What's green and blows bubbles?
A baby in a bucket of snot.

What's two feet tall and can't turn around in corridors?
A baby with a javelin through it's head.

What's black and taps on windows?
A baby in an oven.

What's blue with yellow stripes and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby with its floaties slashed.

What's red and sits in the corner screaming?
A peeled baby in a cot of salt.

What's more fun than hanging a baby on a spinning clothes line?
Stopping it with a cricket bat.

What's red and sits in the corner?
A baby eating razor blades.

What's green and sits in the corner?
The same baby a month later.

How do you put a baby into a shoe box?
Use a blender.

How do you get a baby out of a shoe box?
Use a straw.

How do you stop a baby from crying?
Chop its head off.

What's red and stands in front of a mirror?
A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.

What's the difference between a white baby and a black baby?
About five minutes in a microwave oven.

What's red and hangs from the back of a train?
A miscarriage.

Why did the pregnant woman take thalidomide while she was knitting the baby's clothes?
She wasn't very good at armholes.

What's red and sits in the corner of a tennis court?
Unborn Bjorg or Foetus Gerilitis.

What's red and climbs up women's stockings?
A homesick abortion.

Why do you put babies into the blender feet first?
To see the expression on their faces.

What's yellow, crispy and lives in a fish and chip shop?
A battered baby.

What's so great about being a test-tube baby?
You get a womb with a view.

What is the difference between a Jew and an apple pie?
The apple pie doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

Why do Jews have big noses?
Air is free.

What happens to a Jew when he walks into a wall with a fully erect penis?
He breaks his nose.

Why did the Arabs shoot down a Concorde?
With a nose like that, they thought it was Jewish.

What is Jewish foreplay?
Two hours of begging.

How do you say "fuck you" in Hebrew?
"Trust me."

Why do Jewish women prefer circumcised men?
Because they get ten percent off.

Why did the Jew learn the Limbo?
So he could get under the doors in the city pay toilet.

Why are synagogues round?
So the Jews can't hide in the corner during the collection.

Why do Jewish women use gold IUD's?
Because they like to feel their wealth.

What's the difference between crucifixion and circumcision?
With crucifixion you get to throw away the whole Jew.

What is the fastest thing on two wheels?
A Jew riding a motorbike through Berlin in 1941.

What do you get when you cross a Jew with a Gypsy?
A chain of empty stores.

Was it Russian weaponry or Russian tactics that lost the Six Day War for the Arabs in 1967?
The tactics.  They kept retreating and waiting for the winter.

Why did the war between the Jews and the Arabs only last six days?
The Jews only hired the uniforms for a week.

Why did Helen Keller only use one hand to masterbate?
She needed the other one to moan with.

Why did Helen Keller wear tight jeans?
So her friends could lip read.

Did you hear about the Helen Keller doll?
You wind it up and it walks into the wall.

Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's nappies?
So she could find him.

Why did Helen Keller have yellow legs?
Her dog was blind too.

What's black and bumps into pianos?
Stevie Wonder.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
He doesn't know that he's black.

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
Neither has he.

What did Stevie Wonder say when he received a cheese grater for Christmas?
That is the most violent novel that I've ever read.

What's white and comes in a black box?
Roger Cawley.

How do you stop an Aborigine from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

Why do Aborigines smell so bad?
So blind people can hate them too.

What is the difference between an Aborigine and a dog turd?
After a while the dog turd turns white and loses its smell.

What do you call an Aboriginal with earmuffs on?
Anything you like because he can't hear you.

How do you get an Aborigine out of the bath?
Turn on the water.

Did you hear about the Aboriginal with diarrhoea?
He thought he was melting.

What do you call an Aborigine with dandruff?
A lamington.

What do you call an Aboriginal with warts?
A chokito.

What's three things that you can't give an Aborigine?
A black eye, a fat lip, and a job.

Why are there no Aboriginal poofters?
They're all too lazy to get off their arses.

What's transparent and lies in the gutter?
An Aboriginal with the s**t kicked out of him.

What do you call an Aborigine swimming in Darwin Harbour?
Pollution.

How many Aborigines does it take to pave a driveway?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

What is a cocoon?
An A A A Ab Ab Ab Aboriginal.

Why do they call Aborigines "Boongs"?
That's the noise that they make when a Landrover hits them.

What goes Boong, Boong, Boong, Boong, Boong?
A Landrover going through a corroboree.

Did you hear about the fellow who ordered a tonne of mallee roots?
Two days later a busload of Aboriginal marching girls arrived.

What do you call a group of Aboriginals falling down a mountain?
An abbo-lanche.

Did you hear about the Aboriginals carring a coffin up a hill?
They were going black-burying.

What do you call an Aboriginal woman who marries an Irishman?
A social climber.

What colour is an Aborigine when you run over him in the street?
Flat black.

What's red and white and makes you laugh?
A bus load of Aboriginees going over a cliff.

What do you get if you cross an Aborigine with a Vietnamese?
A drunk who can't drive.

Why do you never offer an Aboriginal a tip?
Better living conditions don't really interest him.

What do you call an Aboriginal in a suit?
The defendant.

What are the first five words an Aboriginal child learns?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

What does an Aboriginal call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

Did you hear about the Aboriginal who made a new boomerang?
He went mad trying to throw the old one away.

What's black and brown and looks good on an Aboriginal?
A pack of dobermans.

What's the similarity between an Aboriginal and a computer?
You have to punch instructions into both of them.

Why are computers smarter than Aboriginals?
You only have to punch instructions into a computer once.

What do you do with a dead Aboriginal?
Scrape him out and make a wetsuit out of him.

What do you call an Aboriginal with a shotgun?
Sir.

What goes black red black red black red white?
An Aboriginal pulling himself.

How long does it take an Aboriginal to eat a dead cat?
Depends how heavy the traffic is.

Why should Aboriginals be buried 100 feet underground?
Because deep down they're really nice people.

What do they use wardrobes for in Police Stations?
Extra hanging space.

What do you call five Aboriginals in a police cell?
A mobile.

Did you hear about the Ethiopian who was thrown into the piranah pool?
He'd eaten fifteen before anyone had managed to pull him out.

Why do Ethiopians sleep with their fingers up their noses?
So that nobody can steal their breakfast.

What do they call a six stone Ethiopian?
Fatso.

What is the definition of an Ethiopian in an army helmet?
A roofing nail.

What's the fastest thing on two legs?
An Ethiopian chicken.

What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?
You know that she'll swallow.

What's black and runs through the desert at 100 kph?
An Ethiopian with a MacDonalds voucher.

What do you call an Ethiopian with a rat?
A vegetarian.

What do you call an Ethiopian with two rats?
A caterer.

Why do Irish women have black tits?
Because they don't take off their bras before they burn them.

Did you hear about the Irish rapist?
He ties the girl's legs together so that she can't run away.

Did you hear about the Irish abortionist who went out of  business?
His ferret died.

Did you hear about the Irish skydiver?
He was killed when his snorkel and flippers failed to open.

Did you hear about the Irish jellyfish?
It set.

Did you hear about the Irish mosquito?
It caught malaria.

Did you hear about the Irish woodworm?
It was found dead in a brick.

Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?
To be sure, to be sure.

Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his keys in the car?
It took him two hours to get his family out.

What's so special when an Irishman swallows a fly?
He has more brains inside his stomach than inside his head.

What does an Irishman have inside his skull?
A piece of paper with the word "brain" written on it.

Heard about the latest innovation being installed on Irish submarines?
Screen windows to keep the fish out.

Did you hear about the Irish athlete who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

Did you hear about the Irish Man From Atlantis?
He had aquaphobia.

Why don't Irish women breast feed their babies?
Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.

Why don't Irish people eat pickles?
Because they can't fit their heads in the jar.

How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch.

Did you hear about the Irishman who wanted to be buried at sea?
Six of his mates drowned trying to dig the hole.

Did you hear about the Irish Sea Scouts?
Their tents keep sinking.

How do you make an Irishman burn his ear?
Ring him up while he's ironing.

What's black and crisp and hangs from the ceiling?
An Irish electrician.

Why wasn't Christ born in Ireland?
They couldn't find three wise men or one virgin.

Did you hear about the Irishman who learned to tap dance?
He fell into the sink and drowned.

What do you do when an Irishman throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin out and throw it back.

What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
Run - he's holding a live hand grenade.

What's got an I.Q: of 25 and digs ditches?
25 Irish ditch diggers.

What's got an I.Q: of 26 and digs ditches?
A wombat.

Did you hear about the Irish attempt on Mount Everest?
They ran out of scaffolding.

What's written on the bottom of an Irish whiskey bottle?
Open other end.

What's written on the top of an Irish whiskey bottle?
See other end for instructions.

How do you identify an Irish computer programmer?
The screen of his workstation is covered in liquid paper.

What is a dope ring?
Six Irishmen standing in a circle.

Did you hear about the Irish archer who fired an arrow into the air?
He missed.

How do you keep an Irishman amused for hours?
Give him a piece of paper with "Please Turn Over" written on both sides.

Did you hear about the Irishman who bought himself a pair of water skis?
He was killed trying to slalom down a waterfall.

What were the names of the Irish gay couple?
Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drink.

Why do Irish men make lousy lovers?
Because they wait for the swelling to go down.

Why do Irish dogs have flat noses?
From chasing parked cars.

How do you brainwash an Irishman?
Give him an enema.

What's an Irishman with his finger up his bum?
A brain surgeon.

Whan God was handing out the resources, why did the Irish get the potatoes and the Arabs get the oil?
The Irish had first choice.

How is an Irish ladder different from an ordinary one?
It has a stop sign at the top.

What do you find at the bottom of an Irish swimming pool?
A sign saying "No Smoking".

Did you hear about the Irishman who was given a pair of water skis?
He spend the rest of his life looking for a sloping lake.

Did you hear about the Irishman who was given two weeks to live?
He decided to take one week in May and the other week in October.

What are the best three years of an Irishman's life?
Third grade.

What happened when the Irish played water polo?
Their horses drowned.

How does an Irish firing squad line up?
One behind the other, OR: In a circle.

Did you hear about the Irishman who took his car in for a service?
It got jammed in the church door.

Did you hear about the four Irishmen who were killed drinking  milk?
The cow sat on them.

Did you hear about the Irishman who was given a pair of cufflinks?
He had his wrists pierced.

Why is the suicide rate low among Irishmen?
It's pretty hard to kill yourself by jumping out of a basement.

Did you hear about the Irishman who stapled his balls together?
He was told that if you can't lick them, join them.

What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?
Lucky.

Did you hear about the Irishman who had an arsehole transplant?
The arsehole rejected him seven days later.

What do you call an Irishman with a University degree?
A bloody liar.

How can you pick the Irish pirate?
He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Why are Irish council workers only allowed ten minute tea breaks?
Any more than that and they have to be retrained.

Why don't the Irish have ice in their drinks?
The old lady who knew the recipe died.

What has an I.Q: of 98?
Ireland.

What's five miles long, green, and has an I.Q: of 5?
The Saint Patrick's day march.

What's the definition of gross ignorance?
144 Irishmen.

What's the fastest game in the world?
Pass-the-Parcel in a Belfast pub.

Did you hear about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.

What caused the New York blackout?
Four Irishmen installing a doorbell.

What happens when an Irishman picks his nose?
His head collapses.

Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus?
He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

What is the difference between a disaster and a catastrophe?
A disaster is when a ship carrying 1000 Irishmen sinks. A catastrophe is when they can all swim.

Why don't the Irish have haemorrhoids?
Because they're all perfect arseholes.

What do you get if you cross a gorilla with an Irishman?
A retarded ape.

Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
It has a twelve month waiting list.

What happened to the Irishwoman who bought a vibrator?
She smashed all her teeth in.

Why did the Irishman wear condoms on his ears?
He was afraid of catching hearing AIDS.

How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One hundred - one to hold the lightbulb and 99 to turn the room around.

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Six - one to do all the work and five to share in the experience.

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one - who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.

How many sociologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one - but the bulb has got to want to change first.

How many skeptics does it take to change a light bulb?
What makes you think a light bulb can be changed anyway?

How many fashion designers does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they just mount a huge advertising campaign proclaiming that this year "dark" is in.

How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - one to hold down the bulb and two to apply the electrodes.

How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to change the bulb and one to write a book about the passive role of the socket.

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
How many do you think?

How many punsters does it take to change a light bulb?
None - a light bulb is just a filiment of your imagination.

How many software analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
None - it's a tradesman's problem.  Software analysts are too important to do such menial work.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two - but it's difficult to get them in there.

How many Niggers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five - one to do all all the work and four to hold all the sound equipment.

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't know how to - it's a hardware problem.

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Six - one to do all the work and five to write a song about how good the old one was.

How many DEC technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one to do all the work and the other three to hold all the manuals.

How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?
Billions and billions.

What is the definition of a Greek bride?
Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, something green, something yellow, something black ...

How do you drown an Italian?
Pull the chain while he's drinking.

What is the highest paid job in Italy?
Riding shot-gun on a garbage truck.

How can you tell an Italian sewerage farm?
It has diving boards all around it.

Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
You can't fit all that shit in a tennis shoe.

Why do Italians wear hats?
So they know which end to wipe.

Why do Italians carry shit in their wallets?
For identification.

Why do flies have wings?
To beat the Italians to the rubbish bins.

Why don't Italians have freckles?
They slide off.

Why don't Italians eat fleas?
They can't get their little legs apart.

Why did the Italian proctologist use two fingers?
In case the patient wanted a second opinion.

What happens when Italians don't pay their garbage bill?
They stop delivery.

What do you call an Italian with an I.Q: of 176?
A village.

How do you tell in Alitalia airliner when it is directly overhead?
It has hair under its wings.

Why do Italian air stewards wear pointed-toed shoes?
So they can squash the cockroaches in the corner of the cabin.

Why do Italians have big noses?
They have thick fingers.

What's a bigamist?
An Italian fog.

What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut.

Why do Italian sewers have windows?
So that people can see what they're buying.

Did you hear about the Italian who fell into the sewer?
He couldn't swim but he went through the motions.

Why do seagulls fly upside-down over Italy?
Because the wogs aren't worth shitting on.

Why do Italian funerals need only two pallbearers?
There are only two handles on a garbage can.

What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian grandmother?
About twenty pounds and a black cardigan.

What is the difference between an Italian and a bucket of s**t.
The bucket.

Did you hear about the Italian who got a job cleaning out pigsties?
He said the money was rotten but the smell was O.K.

What is the definition of Italian paratroopers?
Air pollution.

What is the Italian battle flag?
A white cross on a white background.

What is the shortest book ever written?
Italian War Heroes.

What's got six reverse gears and one forward gear?
An Italian tank. The forward gear is in case they get attacked from behind.

What is the first command an Italian soldier is taught?
Come back.

What do you call a Vietmanese walking a dog?
A vegetarian.

Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cook book?
One hundred ways to wok your dog.

How do you fit 500 Vietnamese into a matchbox?
Tell them it floats.

Why don't they go skiing in Vietnam?
All the slopes are out here.

What do you throw a drowning Vietnamese?
His wife and family.

Why do Australian men come so quickly?
So they can get down the pub and tell their mates.

What is the Australian men's foreplay?
"Are you awake?"

Why are Australian women also such poor judges of time?
Because they are always being told that this "Ah! Ah! Ah! AH! AH! AH! AHHHHHHHHHHH!" is half an hour.

What do you call a New Zealander with 1000 wives?
A shepherd.

What is a New Zealander's foreplay?
"Here sheepie, sheepie, sheepie ..."

How do you know when your house has been burgled by a New Zealander?
The cat's been molested and all the thongs are gone.

Why do New Zealand racehorses run so fast?
They've seen what happens to the sheep.

What's the definition of a virgin?
In England, any girl under 16; in Greece, any child under 10;  and in Arabia, any camel that can outrun an Arab.

Why is the camel called "The Ship of the Desert"?
Because it is full of Arab seamen.

Why can't you circumsize an Iranian?
Because there's no end to those pricks.

Why didn't the Lebanese bride wear any knickers to her wedding?
To keep the flies off the wedding cake.

Did you hear about the Lebanese beauty contest?
Nobody won.

What is the difference between a Lebanese woman and a pig?
A pig doesn't have a moustache.

What do you call a beautiful girl in Lebanon?
A tourist.

How do you know how many Pakistanis are living in a town?
Count the windows of the cellars and multiply by 36.

Did you hear how 500 Pakistanis made an illegal entry into Britain?
They swam across the channel disguised as an oil slick.

What has two wings, 22 legs and an I.Q: of 50?
Glascow Celtic.

How can you tell when the aeroplane that has landed is full of Poms?
When the pilot turns the engines off, you can still hear the whining.

How do you grow your own dope?
Plant a Pom.

How do you fit ten Poms into a mini?
Make one a supervisor and the others will crawl up his arse.

How does a Pommie have a bubble bath?
He sits in a puddle and farts.

How do you satisfy a Pommie nymphomaniac?
Marry her.

Why does an Englishman close his eyes while having sex?
He never likes to see a woman disappointed.

Why is E.T. better than a Pom?
E.T. went home.

What is the difference between Queensland and yoghurt?
Yoghurt has an active culture.

Why do they drink XXXX in Queensland?
They're too stupid to spell BEER.

What is the definition of a virgin in Tasmania?
Any girl who can outrun her brothers.

What's the definition of mass confusion?
Father's Day in Tasmania.

How does a Tasmanian girl know when her mother is menstruating?
Her brother's dick tastes different.

Why are the palms of a Negroes hands white?
That's the way they are stacked when God spray paints them.

Why don't black children play in sand boxes?
Cats keep covering them up.

How do you keep five Niggers from raping a white girl?
Throw them a basketball.

What is the difference beteen a Nigger and a tyre?
Tyres don't sing when you put chains on them.

Why do Niggers wear turtleneck jumpers?
To hide their flea collars.

What does it say on the inside of a Negros lips?
Inflate to twenty pounds per square inch.

Why don't they have black skiers?
Their lips explode at 5000 feet.

What do you call ten black men and a white man?
A fair fight.

An Irishman and a Nigger had a race down a tunnel.  Who won?
The Irishman.  The Nigger stopped halfway to write "mother f****r" on the wall.

Why do Negros wear wide brimmed hats?
To keep the birds from sh*****g on their lips.

Why do Negros wear platform shoes?
To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground.

What do you get when you cross a Nigger with Bo Derek?
Ten of Spades.

Why did God give Niggers rhythm?
Because he stuffed up their hair.

What do you have when you're up to your ankles in Niggers?
Afro-turf.

How do you save a drowning Nigger?
Throw him an anchor.

Why don't Niggers drive convertables?
Their lips would flap in the wind and slap them to death.

Why do Niggers' cars have such small steering wheels?
So they can drive with handcuffs on.

Why don't Niggers have cheque books?
It's hard to sign your name in spray paint.

Why did God create orgasm?
So Niggers would know when to stop.

How does God make Puerto Ricans?
He sandblasts Niggers.

Did you hear about Ku Klux Kenieval?
He tried to jump eight niggers with a steamroller.

What lives at the bottom of the ocean and hates coloured fish?
A Ku Klux Klam.

What's the difference between a Swiss admiral and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
The Hoover vacuum cleaner sucks and sucks and never fails.

What's the difference between pigeons and mountain goats?
Pigeons muck up fountains.

What's the difference between a girl coming out of a bath and a girl coming out of a church?
The girl coming out of church has a soul full of hope.

What's the difference between a magician and a chorus line?
The magician has a cunning array of stunts.

What is the difference between a cross-eyed archer and a constipated owl?
The cross-eyed archer shoots but can't hit.

What is the difference between a war horse and a draught horse?
The war horse darts into the fray.

Why did Quasimodo's wife buy him a wok?
To iron his shirts.

Why has three balls and comes from Outer Space?
E.T. the Extra Testicle.

How does Batman's wife call him for dinner?
Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner - Batman!

What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook, OR: Getting a head job from a werewolf.

What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
The same middle name.

How did Humpty Dumpty die?
Shell shock.

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?
Because he only comes once a year and that's down a chimney.

What part of Popeye never rusts?
The part that he puts in Olive Oil.

What's green and smells of pork?
Kermit's finger.

Why can't Miss Piggy count up to 100?
When she reaches 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

Why does Miss Piggy use a honey and vingar douche?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

What goes green red green red green red white?
A frog pulling himself.

What do you call a guinea pig with it's own roll of masking tape?
A tart.

Why should you always root sheep on the edge of cliffs?
Because they push back harder.

Why did the British ships come back from the Falklands full of sheep?
War brides.

What's green and hangs from a piano?
One of Billy Field's Bad Habits.

What is six inches long and smells of curry?
Grant Kenny's cock.

What is old and wrinkled and smells like ginger?
Fred Astaire's face.

What goes into thirteen twice?
Roman Polanski.

What is yellow and ugly and sleeps alone?
Yoko Ono.

What do you call a dog with wings?
Linda McCartney.

What has six legs and eats pussy?
You, me, and Billy Jean King.

What do lesbians like more than Levi's Jeans?
Billy Jean's.

What has one wheel and flies?
A wheelbarrow full of shit.

What's brown and sits in the corner of a tennis court?
Bjorn Bog.

What's brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's last movement.

What is the definition of revolting?
A love bite on a turd.

What does the Starship Enterprise have in common with toilet paper?
They both crawl around Uranus looking for Klingons.

What's brown and has holes in it?
Swiss shit.

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.

Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can appreciate them too.

What's invisible and smells of dog food?
A pensioner's fart.

How do you get a Kleenex to dance?
Blow a boogie in it.

What is the definition of poverty?
Toilet paper hanging out on the line to dry, OR:
Tampons hanging out on the line to dry.

How do you clean toilet paper?
Hang it on the line and beat the shit out of it.

Why did the condom fly across the room?
It was pissed off.

How many condoms can you make out of an inner tube?
365 in a goodyear.

What's the difference between a flea and a condom?
One's a jumper and the other's a pullover.

What do you get if you cross an apple with a nun?
A computer that never goes down on you.

What is the difference between a computer sales person and a second-hand car dealer?
The chances are that the second-hand car dealer knows how to drive, OR: The second-hand car dealer knows when he is bullshitting.

Why did the computer cross the road?
It was programmed by the chicken.

Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
To get to the other ... um ... er ...

How do you tell the difference between Computer Scientist and a normal person?
Get them to count. The Computer Scientist is the one that starts from zero.

Why was the nun expelled from the convent?
For doing pushups in the asparagus patch.

What goes black white black white black white black white black white black white thump?
A nun falling down the stairs.

What did one ovary say to the other ovary?
There must be a party down below ... two nuts are trying to push an organ up the passage, OR: It must be raining outside ... some prick just came inside wearing a raincoat.

Did you hear about the man who had five pricks?
His trousers fitted him like a glove.

What do a Rubik's Cube and a prick have in common?
The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

Why is virginity like a balloon?
One prick and it's gone.

Why is virginity like haemophilia?
One prick and it's all over.

What do you get if you cross a cucumber with a Mexican jumping bean?
An organic vibrator.

Why is it frustrating to be an egg?
You only get laid once, you come in a box with eleven other blokes, you have to be boiled for five minutes to get hard, and the only person to sit on your face is your mother.

Why does Jack Thompson pull himself?
For the screw he has when he's not having a screw.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
He was still attached to the chicken.

What is the most sensitive part of the male's anatomy while he is masturbating?
His ears, listening for someone approaching.

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

Did you hear about the man who couldn't spell?
He spent the night in a warehouse.

Did you hear about the man who didn't know the difference between incest and arson?
He set his sister on fire.

What did the pervert say to the twelve year old?
I wish you were five.

What's the definition of disgusting?
When you kiss your grandmother and she sticks her tongue in your mouth, OR: When you ask your grandfather for a job and he takes his teeth out.

How do you keep an arsehole in suspense?
I'll tell you later.

What's the fastest four-handed game in the world?
When it slips out.

Did you hear about the Ronald Reagan electronic typewriter?
It has no memory and no colon.

Did you hear the new Jim and Tammy Bakker slogan?
There's a sucker born again every minute.

What's the definition of a three time loser?
A pregnant whore driving an Edsel with a "Nixon for President" bumper sticker on it.

What is the difference between caucus and cactus?
The cactus has pricks on the outside.

Why is Paul Keating's wife threatening divorce?
He's making it hard for everyone but her.

What has thousands of arms and no pubic hair?
The front three rows of a Jason Donovan concert.

What goes "Fee Fi Fo Fum Fee Fi Fo"?
Ita Buttrose giving out her telephone number.

What's the best way to see Melbourne?
Through the rear view mirror.

What do you get after two days of rain in Sydney?
Monday.

Why do dogs have cold, wet noses?
So as not to burn other dogs' arseholes.

What's yellow and walks up stairs backwards?
A corgi with a fat.

Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can.

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
They don't have any balls to scratch.

What's worse than having a dead dog on your piano?
Having an infected pussy on your organ.

What's the most difficult part of a sex change operation?
Stitching in the anchovies.

Why do fishermen make such good lovers?
Because they're used to the smell.

Why don't they like women swimming in the ocean?
It's so hard to get the smell out of the fish.

What's the definition of a diaphragm?
A trampoline for dickheads.

What is the difference between a ladder and a nurse?
Not everyone can get up a ladder.

Whats the difference between a nurse and a bowling ball?
You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

What's the difference between an elephant and a nurse?
You can't make love to an elephant with a watermelon.

What's the difference between a nurse and a swimming pool?
If you hold your breath you can come out of swimming pool alive.

What's the difference between a nurse and a Rolls Royce?
Not everyone's been in a Rolls Royce.

How did AIDS leave the hospital?
On crutches.

Did you hear about the lawyer?
He got legal AIDS.

Did you hear about the miracle of AIDS?
It turns fruits into vegetables.

What do you get if you wipe your arse with newspaper?
ADDS.

What does AIDS stand for backwards?
Serious Disease In the Arse.

Did you hear about the guy who got herpes on his eyelid?
He was looking for love in all the wrong places.

What's yellow and eats nuts?
Syphilis.

Why do crabs have circles under their eyes?
From sleeping in snatches.

What do call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.

Why is a prostitute with pox like a $50 bill up a telegraph pole?
First up gets it.

What do you get if you cross a prostitute with a monkey?
A good screw that costs peanuts.

How do you retread an aging prostitute?
Bung a leg of lamb up her and pull the bone out.

Why don't prostitutes vote?
They don't give a damn who gets in.

What is unskilled labour?
A pregnant prostitute.

Why did the prostitute drill a hole in her hip?
To earn a bit on the side.

What is the difference between a prostitute and a bitch?
A prostitute screws anyone; a bitch screws anyone but you.

How do you give a prostitute nine inches and make her bleed?
Fuck her three times and punch her in the nose.

What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can't make a vita min.

What do you do when a bird sh**s on your head?
Never go out with her again.

What's the definition of a passionate kiss?
When your tongue on the way down meets your hand on the way up.

Why is a passionate kiss like a spider's web?
Because it soon leads to the undoing of the fly.

What's the [girl's] definition of a lousy lay?
A bloke that screws her all night with a three inch prick and kisses her goodbye with a nine inch tongue.

Did you hear about the eight-foot-tall man who searched the world looking for an eight-foot-tall woman?
He couldn't find one so he got two four-foot-tall women and screwed them together.

Why do women like to go to old gynaecologists?
Because they shake.

What's the definition of a geriatrics gynaecologist?
A spreader of old wives' tails.

What's the definition of a drawing pin?
An excited smartie.

What's the difference between smarties and humans?
Smarties come in six different colours.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one hell of a blow.

Why did the guy want to be reincarnated as a table cloth?
So he could get laid three times a day and pulled off at night.

Why did God make urine yellow and come white?
So you know whether you're coming or going.

Why was the ground white at Custer's last stand?
Because the Indians kept coming and coming.

What is white and hangs from the clouds?
The Second Coming of the Lord.

What did Adam say to Eve?
Stand back - I don't know how big this thing gets.

What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

What's the definition of a quickie?
Now this won't hurt a bit, didn't it!

What's a real mate?
Someone who'll go into town and get two blow jobs, then come back and give you one.

What is the definition of torture?
Reading Playboy while wearing steel underpants.

What is the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with an owl?
A cock that stays up all night.

What do you get if you cross a penis with a potato?
A dicktater.

What's fifteen inches long and white?
Nothing - if it's that long it has to be black.

How can you tell what clan a Scotsman comes from?
Look under his kilt - if he's got a quarterpounder he's a MacDonald.

What is organic dental floss?
Pubic hair.

Why is pubic hair curly?
So it doesn't poke your eyes out.

What does a coffin and a condom have in common?
You come in one, go in the other, but have to be stiff to use both.

What is the smallest mortuary in the world?
A fanny, because you can only fit one stiff in at a time.

What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A fanny, because you have to leave your bags outside.

Why can't a fanny talk?
Because it has two hair lips.

Why do we have weather cocks on barns?
Because the wind would blow right through a fanny.

What is the difference between male and female mud crabs?
The females have mudflaps.

What do women and aeroplanes have in common?
They both have flaps and a cockpit.

Why is the frying pan on the wall like a pair of knickers?
You've got to pull both down to put the fat in.

When do the Japanese hold their elections?
Just before bleakfast.

What's a 69er in metric?
181.

What's a 69er in Chinese?
Tu Can Chew.

Why is it best to do a 69er upside down?
Because your taste buds are on the top of your tongue.

What has a 69er got in common with the Mafia?
One slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.

What is the definition of a 68?
You go down on me and I'll owe you one.

What is a 6.9?
A good 69 interrupted by a period.

What's the definition of analingus?
Tongue in cheek.

What's the difference between a microwave oven and anal sex?
A microwave oven doesn't brown your meat.

How does a French call-girl hold her liquor?
By his ears.

Did you hear about the invitation to the party in Paris?
It was a french letter with "come" written on it.

What did the dentist say to Linda Lovelace?
That's the nicest set of teeth I've ever come across.

What do Lina Lovelace and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They both eat seamen.

What is the similarity between oral sex and lobster thermidor?
You can't get either of them at home.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job still sucks.

Why was beer invented?
So that fat women could get a root too.

How many men does it take to clean out a toilet?
None, it's a woman's job.

How do you tell if a girl is not wearing knickers?
By the dandruff on her shoes.

How do you know if a woman is wearing panyhose?
When she farts, her ankles swell.

Who invented the female body?
The Board of Works.  Who else would put a playground near a sewer?

How do you know if a woman is coming?
Who cares!

Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave snail trails.

Why do ballerinas wear tights?
So they don't stick to the floor.

Why did cavemen drag their women along by the hair?
Because if the dragged them by the ankles, they would have filled up with dirt.

What should a woman put behind her ears to make her more sexy?
Her ankles.

Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So they won't be mistaken for feminists.

What is the definition of arousal?
A blind lesbian walking past a fish market.

What's the definition of frenzy?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

If a stork is a bird that comes with a baby, what is a bird that doesn't?
A swallow.

What is the definition of an alcoholic?
Someone who goes to a topless bar just to get a drink.

Why are boobs like a train set?
They're meant for the kids but the father ends up playing with them.

What is the difference between your girlfriend and your bank account?
Nothing - you lose interest on withdrawal.

What is the difference between a good girl and a nice girl?
A good girl has the bloom of youth in her cheeks and a nice girl has the cheek of youth in her bloomers.

Why don't women's guts fall out through their snatches?
Because the vacuum in their heads holds them up.

What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist?
You can usually reason with a terrorist.

Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.

What is the difference between sand and menstrual blood?
You can't gargle sand.

What did the vampire say to the teacher?
See you next period.

Why is the Red Sea red?
Cleopatra used to bathe there periodically.

Did you hear about the Negro that told the genie that he wanted to be white, uptight and out of sight?
He was turned into a tampon.

What do you call a tampon in a river?
A blood vessel.

Did you hear about the archeologist who found an old tampon?
He couldn't tell what period it was from.

What's the definition of a Women's Liberationist?
A bird that rolls her own tampons and kick starts her menstrual cycle.

What happens if you put your hand up a Gypsy's dress?
You get your hand read once a month.

Why do women parachutists wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down.

Did you hear about the female parachutist?
She pulled the wrong cord and bled to death.

Did you hear about the woman who bought 100 tampons for $5.00?
There were no strings attached.

Did you hear about the tampon with bells on it?
It was for the Christmas period.

Did you hear about the chocolate covered tampon?
It was for the Easter period.

What's it like waking up shipwrecked?
Hand on the main and surrounded by seamen.

Did you hear about the poofter dog?
He preferred his Pal to Lassie.

How do you get four poofters on a bar stool?
Turn it upside down.

How can you tell when you've walked into a gay church?
Only half the congregation are kneeling.

Did you hear about the gay sailors?
They gave each other a tug for Christmas.

Is it better to be born black or gay?
Black - because you don't have to tell your parents.

What is the poofter's motto?
Never leave your mates behind.

Why do so many poofters have moustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.

Did you hear about the gay lumberjacks?
They went into the forest with axes and came out with circular saws.

Did you hear about the gay boxers?
They beat each other around the ring.

Did you hear about the gay Indian?
He jumped into the canoe, took three strokes and shot across the lake.

Did you hear about the gay burglar?
He couldn't blow the safe so he went down on the elevator.

Did you hear about the gay nail?
He laid in the road and blew a tyre.

Did you hear about the two poofters in the phone box?
They were ringing each other.

Why did the poofter leave home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.

Did you hear about the gay whale?
He used to suck the seamen out of submarines.

Did you hear about the gay oyster?
He went out every weekend and pulled a mussel.

Why was the poofter fired from the sperm bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.

What has more holes than a crumpet?
Snow White's hymen.

Why did the dwarf get married?
His friends put him up to it.

Did you hear about the man who had a dwarf for a girlfriend?
He was nuts over her.

What is two and a half inches long, has 256 balls and fucks ducks?
A shotgun cartridge.

How do you know when a woman has been screwed by an elephant?
When she sits on a bar stool and slides over it.

What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise.

What is green and is found on trees in the jungle?
Elephant snot.

What do you do when elephants have periods?
Hide all the mattresses.

How does an elephant cry?
It sits on its bum and bawls.

What do elephants use for tampons?
Marino sheep.

What do elephants use for vibrators?
Epileptic pygmies.

Why have elephants have four feet?
Six inches just isn't enough, OR: Six inches looks a bit silly.

What's grey and comes in pints?
An elephant.

What's the brown stuff between the toes of an elephant?
Slow natives.

What do you do if an elephant comes in your bedroom?
Swim for the door.

Why don't you go walking through the jungle at two o'clock in the morning?
Because the elephants sleeping in the trees fall out and squash you.

Why are pygmies so short?
Because they walk through the jungle at two o'clock in the morning.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
So they can walk over the pygmies.

What is the main difference between an elephant and a prune?
Their colour.

What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming?
"Here come the prunes."  (She was colour-blind)

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.

How did the male elephant find the female elephant in the long grass?
Delightful.

How do you know when you've been raped by an elephant?
When you've been pregnant for 36 months.

How do you kill an elephant?
With an elephant gun.

How do you kill a purple elephant?
With a purple elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
Tie a knot in it's trunk, wait until it turns purple, then shoot it with the purple elephant gun.

Why did the elephant wear ripple-soled shoes?
To give the ants a 50-50 chance.

Why did the elephant go to bed in his red pajamas?
His blue ones were in the wash.

What is green, has six legs, and would kill you if it fell on you from a tree?
A billiard table.

What's white on the outside, green on the inside, and hops?
A frog sandwich.

What's green and red and goes round at 1000 rpm?
A frog in a blender.

What is yellow and points north?
A magnetic banana.

What is yellow and dangerous?
Shark-infested custard.

How do you stop a rooster from crowing on a Monday morning?
Eat it on Sunday.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.

What is yellow, smells of bananas, and is found in trees?
Monkey vomit.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the possum fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the koala.

How did the kangaroo break its leg?
It tripped over the dead koala.

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits the windscreen of a car?
It's arse.

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Where you left it.

What does a walrus have in common with tupperware?
They both like a tight seal.

Why don't bunnies make any noise when they screw?
They have cotton balls.

Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee was blowing fouls.

What do you get from kissing budgerigars?
Chirpies ... and it's untweetable.

How do you make a sausage roll?
Push it.

How do you make a Maltese Cross?
Jump on his foot.

How do you make a Venetian Blind?
Poke him in the eye.

What's black and hops through the bush?
Skippy in a bushfire.

How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
By the taste.

What did Tarzan yell when he saw the elephants coming?
The elephants are coming!!!!

Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner.

How do you sink a polish submarine.
Knock on the door!!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A damn good start.

What do you call a planeload of lawyers that goes down at sea with one seat empty?
A Damn shame!!!!

What do you do if you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off!

How do you recycle a condom??
You turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

Why is shit tapered at the ends?
So your asshole doesn't slam shut!

What's red and screams and goes around in circles?
A Baby nailed to the floor.

What is red and green and nailed to the floor?
The same baby, six months later!

Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he was stuck to the chicken.

Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
Because if they dragged them by the feet they would fill up with rocks.

How do you know when your girlfriend/wife/lover is too fat?
When she keeps her vibrator in the gun rack!

What did they do with the dead Texan that was too big to fit in a coffin?
Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box!

What does an Irish sevencourse meal consists of?
A six pack and a potato.

What has 300 legs and seven teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

What is the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You meet so many new people.

Why don't elephants pick their nose?
Cuz there's nowhere to hide a 6 foot booger!

What do you call a sheep hauler going through New Zealand?
A pimp.

What do you have when you've got a mothball in your right hand, and a  mothball in your left hand?
A BIG moth!

You have a small green ball in your left hand. You also have another one  in your right hand. What do you have?
Kermit's FULL attention.

If you put two nuts on a wall, what do you have?
Walnuts.

If you put two nuts on two peas, what do you have?
Peanuts.

If you put two nuts on your chin, what do you have?
Chin nuts. No ... You have a dick in your mouth!

What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
An epileptic.

Who's the patron saint of Ethiopia?
Karen Carpenter.

Why did God make women?
Because sheep can't cook.

What do you call an armless, legless, water skiier?
Skip.

What do you do if a pitbull starts humping your leg?
Fake an Orgasam!

What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?
A little fucker about three feet high.

Where is an elephant's sex organ?
In his feet, 'cause if he steps on you, you're fucked.

If whiskey makes you frisky and gin makes you sin, what gets a girl pregnant?
Two high balls and a squirt.

How do you know a irishman is at a cock fight?
He brings the duck.

How do you know an irishman is at a cock fight?
He bets on the duck.

How do you know italians are at a cock fight?
The duck wins.

What has 60 teeth and holds back a gigantic monster?
My zipper.

What do you say to a mexican in a threepiece suit?
Will the defendant please stand.

Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
They're worth it.

What is the Jewish stand on abortion?
If it's a good deal, it's ok.

What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs and a twelve inch dick?
Partially handicapped.

Why did Helen Keller go crazy?
She tried to read a sheet of sandpaper.

What`s moist and pink and split right down the middle?
A grapefruit.

What's the difference between a woman driver and a woman golfer?
One hits everything and the other hits nothing.

Did you hear what the condemned golfer's last words to the hangman were?
"Mind if I have a few practice swings?"

Know what a rodeo fuck is?
You start to screw your wife doggie style, hold on to her shoulders, and whisper in her ear that her sister is a better fuck than she is, and try to hold on for 8 seconds.

Why did Moses and the Jews wander in the desert for twentyfive years?
One of them dropped a quarter.

What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and a Mexican girl?
The Mexican girl's jewelry is fake and her orgasms are real ...

Did you hear about the war between the Poles and the Germans?
The Poles threw dynamite  the Germans lit it and threw it back.

Whats black, charred, and hangs from a chandelier?
A Polish electrician.

What did Spock find in the Enterprise toilet?
The captain's log.

What's the difference between having sex with a six year old and having with a sixteen year old?
You have to kill the six year old afterwards.

Why is AIDS a magical disease?
It turns fruits into vegetables.

What's the definition of a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to clean the house.

What good are tails on an animal?
Maybe they should be considered as neckties for their butts?

Did you hear about the cement truck that crashed into the prison bus?
They ended up with a bunch of hardened criminals.

Did you hear about the boatload of red paint that crashed into a boat carrying blue paint?
13 passengers were marooned.

What looks like, smells like and tastes like banana's, but isn't banana's?
Monkey puke.

What does a young Indian do if he has no date to take to the war party?
Beat his tomtom.

How many WASP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two  one to call an electrician while the other mixes martinis.

What do you tell a dutchman who has his finger in a dyke?
That he's wasting his time, there's no way he'll stop the flow.

What drove Helen Keller insane?
She tried to read a stucco wall.

How do you save a drowning baby?
Take your foot off his head.

What is the definition of 'gross'?
Eating a hot dog and finding out it has veins.

Why does a dog lick its balls?
Because he knows that in a minute he's going to lick your face.

What's the difference between an anorexic hooker and a counterfeit bill?
One's a phoney buck  the other is a bony fuck.

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
Answering the iron.

How did she burn the other side?
They called back.

What's the difference between a Yankee and a Texan?
A Yankee will walk right up to a girl and stick it in, while a Texan will stick it in and walk right up to her ...

What's black and white and red all over, and has trouble going through revolving doors?
A nun with a spear through her throat.

What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
Beef strokin'off.

Why did they get rid of all the dogs at the White House?
They were chasing the Quayles and peeing on the Bushes.

How do you recondition an aging hooker?
Shove a tenpound ham up her and pull out the bone.

Why do computers like humans?
Because a human turns them on.

What's the smelliest thing in the world?
An anchovy's pussy.

What are the two words you don't want to hear when you're standing at a public urinal?
"Nice dick."

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will blow your bonus.

What's the most crooked thing in the world?
A fart  it's pointed at your feet, but hits you in the nose.

Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a scumsucking, bottomfeeding scavenger, and the other's a fish.

mommy, mommy, I don't wanna visit Grandma!"
ut up and keep digging ..."

mommy, mommy, I don't like drag racing!"
ut up and hang on to the bumper ..."

mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts!"
ut up and eat what's on your plate ..."

What do you call Ethiopians with big feet?
Golf clubs.

What do Yoko Ono and Ethiopians have in common?
They both live off dead beetles.

Do you know how to tell when a family of flamingoes has moved into the house next door?
They decorate the lawn with plastic italians.

Why is it easier for men to sleep on their sides, than women?
They have kick stands.

How do we know that Eve was the first computer operator?
'Cause she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.

Why does it take three Cajuns to eat a possum?
Because it requires two just to look out for cars.

Why don't Irishman watch Johnny Carson/The Tonight Show?
Because none of them can stay sober past 10:30.

Why don't yuppers watch the Gong Show?
Because it's too intellectual.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

How many critters can you find in a pair of panty hose?
Ten little piggies, two calves, one ass and one beaver  they're still looking for the fish.

What's 6.9?
A good time interrupted by a period.

Why do elephants have red balls?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the most horrible sound in the jungle?
Girraffes eating cherries.

What do you call a very cold dwarf with a hardon?
A frigid midget with a frigid digit.

What is a vagina?
It's the box a penis comes in.

What is a Kotex?
A manhole cover.

Why do Mexican cars have small steering wheels??
So they can drive them with handcuffs on.

Why were there only 5000 Mexicans at the Alamo?
Thats all that they could fit in the back of the pickup truck.

What does P.M.S. really stand for?
Punish the Male Species.

Why did the DA drop the charges against Pee Wee Herman?
He couldn't get it to stand up in court ...

How did copper wire get invented?
Two jews got it a fight over a penny.

Why do blondes always poof their hair up so high?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.

How do historians know Abe Lincoln was Jewish?
Because he was shot in the temple.

Why do blondes stick their heads out the windows of moving cars?
To refuel their heads.

What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?
Thanks for the refill.

What do you call a cheap male prostitute with no arms or legs?
Humphrey.

How did PeeWee Herman die?
He had a stroke.

How do you know when you walk into a gay church?
Only half the men are kneeling.

How do you screw a fat chick?
Flip through the folds of fat until you find the one that smells like shit, then go back one.

Why did God make man first?
Because he didn't want to be told how to do it.

How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
See if there is any dandruff on her shoes.

Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
No.

What do passionate women put behind thier ears to attract men?
Their ankles.

What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki and Baghdad have in common?
Nothing  yet ...

If Tarzan and Jane were jewish, what would cheetah be?
A fur coat.

How can you tell when a jewish couple is having sex doggystyle?
He sits up and begs, then she rolls over and plays dead.

How do you tell a polish ladder from a normal one?
Polish ladders have "STOP" stenciled at the top.

How can you tell if a pig is drunk?
She starts buying the drinks ...

What's red, green and drips down the wall?
Granpa's final cough.

How many 'prolifers' does it take to fix a light bulb?
6 - Two to put it in, and four to testify that it was lit from the moment the other two began screwing.

Whats the worst thing about playing softball in a cow pasture?
Sliding into 3rd base.

How do you keep from losing an erection?
Don't fuck with it.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About half way.

What is the definition of agony?
Being a onearmed man hanging off a cliff, and having an attack of jock itch.

What did the polish mother say to her pregnant daughter?
"Don't worry, it might not be yours."

What is true love for the male of the species?
An erection.

What is true love for the female of the species?
A nolimit charge card.

What were Anne Boleyn's last words?
"'Tis better to give head, than to lose head."

Why don't Ethiopians go to the movies?
They can't hold the seats down.

Why do Mexicans have big noses?
It gives them something to pick in the off season.

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your new motherin law backing off a cliff in your new Mercedes.

Why does Dolly Parton have such a small waist?
Nothing grows in the shade.

Why did the hillbilly trade his wife in for an outhouse?
Because the hole was a little smaller, and it smelled a little nicer.

How many lawyers does it take to unclog a toliet?
Three. Two to hold his legs, and one to dive below and suck.

Do you know what the miracle of AIDS is?
It turns fruits into vegetables.

What do the Rubiks cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

What's the diff between a pitbull humping your leg and a poodle humping your leg?
The pitbull gets to finish.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
Because the chicken called in sick.

What kind of bat can't fly?
A batman.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they would be called baygulls.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.

What kind of star is in jail?
A shooting star.

What kind of fly 'parley vous francais'?
A frenchfly.

Why didn't the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
She went out with Mr. Softy.

Do you know what the German word for 'virgin' is?
Gutentight.

What did the indian say when his dog fell of the cliff?
Doggone.

How can you keep from being bitten by a tsetse fly?
Keep your tsetse covered at all times!

What did Princess Grace have that Natalie Wood could have used?
A stroke.

Why do tampons have strings?
So that the crabs can go bunji jumping.

Why did all the other Iraqis laugh at Hakim when they caught him fucking a sheep?
Because he picked one of the ugly ones.

What is the first warning sign of old age?
When you've been in bed all night with a woman and the dawn comes, but you haven't.

What's jello?
Kool aid with a hardon.

How do you sneak up on a celery?
Stalk.

Why did God create man?
Because you can't teach a dildo to cut the lawn.

Why did create woman?
Because you can't teach a sheep to cook.

What do you do with a legless dog?
Take him for a drag.

Why was Liberace buried with his ass sticking out of the ground?
So his friends could drop by for a cold one.

What do Rock Hudson and Len Bias have in common?
They both died of a bad case of crack.

Why are lawyers buried 24 feet deep?
Because deep down they're nice people.

What do you call a fat Chinese girl?
A chunk.

How are jello and woman alike?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb??
Two  One to do it, and one to write a sensitive folk song about it.

Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because he would look stupid with eight inches.

What's the best thing to come out of a dick?
The wrinkles.

What do you get when you cross a polack and a mexican?
A kid who spraypaints chainlink fences.

How do you make a dead baby float?
Add a scoop of ice cream and some root beer.

How do you double the price of a yugo?
Fill up the gas tank.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
No one cries when you slice up a lawyer.

Why did they stop the leper baseball game?
Someone dropped a ball in left field.

What's the hardest key to turn?
A donkey.

How does a male octopus ask a female octopus to marry him?
Can I have your hand, your hand, your hand, your hand ...

On what side of a building does the sun always shine?
The outside.

What did the parakeet say when he finished shopping?
Just put it on my bill.

Why does it take a turkey less time than an elephant to get ready for a trip?
Because he only takes his comb, and the elephant takes a trunk.

Why were the gays able to evacuate San Francisco so quickly after the earthquake?
Because they already had their shit packed.

Between which two toes is a girl the most ticklish?
The two big ones.

What do you call an Iraqi with 30 sheep?
Pimp.

What do a herd of sheep call an Iraqi?
Dad.

What do you call 6 Iraqi's with a sheep?
A gang bang.

What does an Iraqi woman call a sheep?
Competition.

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.

What do elephants do when they are bored?
Put springs on their feet and bounce up into the trees to rape monkeys.

What is the most terrible thing for a monkey to hear?
SPROING ... SPROING ...

Why should every son to go into debt for his father?
Because his father went into the hole for him.

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

How can you tell a Jewish American Princess has had an orgasm?
If she drops her nail file.

What do you call a 250 pound woman with a yeast infection?
A Whopper with cheese.

Why do lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskins from covering up their faces.

Do you know why Iraqi high schools can't offer driver's ed and sex ed in the same year?
The camels can't take the pressure.

What's the difference between a prostitute with diarhea and a corn farmer with epilepsy?
The corn farmer shucks between fits.

What is the difference between a shithead and a brownnoser?
Depth perception.

What's the difference between humans and computers?
With a computer you put software into hardware ...

What's the difference between like and love?
Spit and swallow.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would too if your name was "Uuuurdurj."

What do you get when you cross a onelegged mongoloid with a polack?
A polaroid onestep!

Why are all Jewish men circumcised?
Jewish women demand 10% off everything.

Why are people so fragile?
They were made with only one screw.

Who's the most popular guy on the nude beach?
The guy that can hold 12 donuts with no hands.

Who's the most popular girl?
The one that can eat them all ... Without using her hands!

Why are pool tables green?
If you had your balls racked, you'd be green too.

What's 6 inches long, has a head on it, and makes women go wild?
Money.

If a man with a million dollars is a millionaire, what is a woman with a million dollars?
Married.

Why are dogs better than kids?
When you get sick of your dog, you can put it to sleep.

Why do barkeeps in Ireland cry at funerals.
Lost revenue.

How does a french whore hold her liquor?
By the ears.

Why do Italians talk with their hands?
Because their breath could take the curl out of your pubic hair.

What's Green and red and goes a thousand miles an hour?
A frog in a blender.

What do you get when you add milk?
Frognog.

What happens when you drink Frognog?
You croak.

Why are women like landfills?
Because it's a great place for a guy to dump his load.

What's the difference between a whale and an Italian grandmother?
Ten pounds and a black dress.

Why should you stick a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on its face.

What is the definition of gross?
Two siamese twins connected by the mouth and one throwing up.

How can a real man tell when his girl friend is having an orgasm?
Real men don't care.

Why is being in the service like getting a blow job?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

How can you tell if a woman is wearing panty hose?
Her ankles swell up when she farts.

Whats the function of a woman?
Lifesupport system for a pussy.

What's red, hot, juicy, stinks and has hair on it?
A dead skunk on a hot highway.

What's grosser than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
Pulling it off.

What's pink and red and hangs from the phone line?
A baby that was hit by a snowblower.

What's grosser than running over a baby with a semi?
Picking it out of the grooves on the tires.

How do you know when your sister is on her period?
Your father's dick tastes funny.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
You don't bother calling him, he won't come any way.

What's the definition of confusion?
200 blind lesbians at a fish market.

How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
ifteen; you got a problem with that?

When will I have light?
When we're damn good and ready!

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
None of your fucking business.

What do you call an Ethiopian with a feather up his ass?
A dart.

What's worse than a guitar string breaking in the middle of a tune?
Having an organ go flat on you in the middle of a piece.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A german shepard.

Whats the difference between Robin Givens and a backpacker?
One pulls a muscle on a hike, the other pulls a hussle on a Mike.

Do you know what a woman says after good sex? (pause for negative answer)
I didn't think so!

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

What would you rather be: a light bulb or a bowling ball?
It depends on whether you'd rather be screwed or fingered.

How many drunken Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
101  One to hold it and 100 to drink till the room spins around.

Why are camels called 'The ships of the desert'?
Because they are full of Iraqi semen!

Why don't mexicans have checking accounts?
It's hard to spray paint your name on that little line.

Did you hear that Ronald McDonald was arrested?
He tried to stick his big mac in Wendy's hot and juicy.

How many fraternity guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Frat guys don't screw in lightbulbs they screw in pools of their own vomit.

What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
In a straight rodeo they yell, "Ride that sucker!"

What is long and pink and drags the ocean floor?
Moby's dick.

Why did the possum cross the road?
I don't know, haven't seen one make it yet.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the possum that it could be done.

How do we know that a greek designed the female body?
Who else would put the snack bar right next to the shit house?

What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
You take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline.

Whats the height of nerve?
Shitting on someone's doorstep, then ringing the bell and asking for toilet paper.

How do you circumsize a whale?
Send down four skindivers.

What is the difference between Ted Kennedy and the Iraqi elite Republican Guard?
Ted Kennedy killed an American.

What's he smartest kind of bee?
A spelling bee.

What kind of bugs live on the moon?
Luna ticks.

Why is the gun on welfare?
It got fired.

Where do young cows eat?
At the Calfeteria.

Where do cows go after they get married?
On a honeymoo.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

What do you call a lawyer that is sitting on the grass?
Fertilizer.

What can you do with 365 used rubbers?
Recycle them into a tire and call it a GOODYEAR.

What has four legs and one arm?
A very happy pitbull.

What's the difference between a fox and a dog?
Five drinks.

What's polish and has an IQ of 180?
A village.

What's the worst thing about screwing a cow?
You have to get off the stump and run around front every time you want to kiss her.

What should you do if you wife has an epileptic seizure in the bathtub?
Throw in the laundry.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, your fish will die.

How do we know girls aren't made of sugar and spice?
Because they taste like anchovies.

What has 100 balls and fucks rabbits?
A shotgun.

Why don't lawyers lay out at the beach?
Because cats keep covering them with sand.

What are the three worst words that you can hear while making love?
Honey, I'm home!

What do you call a kosher tampon?
A tightwad.

Why should you wrap your pet hamster in electrical tape?
So it won't explode when you fuck it.

What's the first symptom of AIDS?
A pounding sensation in your butt.

How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
Douse it with lighter fluid and toss on a match. ("Wooof!")

How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
First you douse the dog with water, then stick him in the freezer. After a couple of hours
 take him out and run him through a bandsaw. ("Reeooww!")

What did Adam say to Eve?
Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets.

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
Full.

What was John Lennons last hit?
"The Pavement."

What would it take to reunite the original Beatles?
Three bullets.

How do you kill the New Kids on the Block?
Give one of them Aids.

What do you call an Iraqi with 1500 girlfriends?
A shepherd.

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
In kinky, you use a feather. In perverted, you use the whole chicken.

Why did the bee fly past Shell, Texaco, Exxon, Mobil and Sonoco?
Because he was an Esso Bee.

Why does the LAPD leave the Dodgers game early?
They want to beat the crowd.

How do you tell if a jewish woman is a nymphomaniac?
She'll screw you the same day she has her hair done.

What's the difference between death and taxes?
Congress can't make death any worse than it is.

What is the similarity between hemorrhoids and cowboy hats?
Sooner or later, every asshole has one!

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
"I don't know, and I don't care."

Hear about the new television show about yuppies in Alaska?
It's called "WD-30something"

How can you tell if a kid is a loser?
The kid is kidnapped, and they put his picture on a MILK DUDS carton.

What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both go to Uranus to wipe out the cling-ons.

What do 40 battered women have in common?
They don't listen.

What's the difference between the Panama canal and Miss America?
The Panama canal is a busy ditch.

Why don't U.S. senators ever use bookmarks?
They like their pages bent.

What does a baby diaper and your boss have in common?
They are both all over your ass and usually full of shit!

How do you tell if your girlfriend is ticklish?
Give her a couple "test-tickles".

Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
Because when the dragged them by the feet, they filled up with dirt.

What comes out of an erect penis?
Wrinkles!

Did you hear about the new edition of Playboy for married men?
It has the same centerfold every month.

Did you hear about the girl with tits on her back?
She wasn't much to look at but she was great to slow dance with.

What is the difference between a circus and a chorus line?
The first is an array of cunning stunts.

Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

What do balloons and virgins have in common?
One prick and its gone.

What are three words you dread the most while making love?"
"Honey, I'm home."

What's red and has 7 dents?
Snow White's cherry

How do you make paper dolls?
Screw an old bag

How can you tell which is the Head nurse?
She's the one with dirty knees

What do you do when your kotex catches fire?
Throw it on the floor and tampon it

Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
The blowjob.  You can beat your wife, eggs or meat; but you just can't beat a blowjob.

What's the definition of a virgin?
An ugly third grader

What do you call this? (Stick out tongue)
A lesbian with a hard-on

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
"Hold onto your nuts!  This ain't gonna be no ordinary blowjob."

What do you call a female clone?
A clunt.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that makes your eyes water.

What are the two greatest lies?
"The check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth."

What did Adam say to Eve?
"Stand back!  I don't know how big this thing gets!"

What's another reason God created the orgasm?
Because he couldn't wait for the second coming.

Why is being a dick not all it's cracked up to be?
First of all you have a head but no brains; there's a couple of nuts following you around all the time; your next door neighbor is an asshole and you best friend is a cunt.

What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?
Inserting the anchovies.

What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

How can you tell when your girlfriend is ugly?
When she's having an artificial insemination, and the syringe goes limp!

How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.

What's the difference between a cunt and a pussy?
A pussy is that nice warm thing you cuddle up to at night, a cunt is what it is attached to.

When does a cubscout become a boyscout?
When he eats his first brownie.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Cause it's no big deal unless your not getting any!

What do they call a black man with a white penis?
A polish coal miner who's been home for lunch.

What is the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
You can always find a girl who'll blow your paycheck for you.

Did you hear about the girl who gave up bowling for sex?
The balls were lighter and she didn't have to change her shoes!

What's better than having a rose on your piano?
Having Tulips on your organ.

How are an oven and a woman alike?
You have to get them both hot before you stick the meat in.

How can you tell when you've had a really good blowjob?
You have to pull the sheets out of your ass.

What has 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster?
My zipper.

Do you know what a guy with a big 12 inch cock has for breakfast?
"Well let's see, this morning I had two eggs, toast, coffee..."

How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
"Pi'tew...spit...pi'tew...spit..."

Why do women sky divers wear tampons?
So they won't whistle on the way down.

Why do women have two holes on the bottom?
So when they get drunk at a party, you can carry them home like a six-pack.

What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through a 20 ft. garden  hose?
"Darling", "Sweetheart", "Precious", whatever it takes.

How can you tell if a ballerina isn't wearing panties?
When she does a split and sticks to the floor.

What is the difference between sin and shame?
It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Why is being in the Army like a PG movie?
Too much violence and not enough sex.

What is the difference between like and love?
Spit and swallow.

How do you go about screwing a 400-pound woman?
Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?
When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What do you call a shipment of vibrators?
"Toys for twats".

Do you know why Santa Claus doesn't have any children?
Because, he only comes once a year and then it's down a chimney.

What's the difference between masturbation and Basketball?
In Basketball, you dribble before you shoot.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush!

Why is eating pussy like dealing with the mafia?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

What's hard and straight going in, and soft and sticky coming out?
Chewing gum.

Why do they address cars as "she"?
Because, just like your wife, on a cold morning when you really need it, she won't turn over.

Did you hear about the new designer condoms?
They're called "Sergio Prevente."

What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A trip without the kids.

What's worse than lipstick on your collar?
Leg makeup on your ears.

What's twelve inches long and white?
Nothing.

What do you call Miss Piggy's douche?
"Hog wash!"

What did Miss Piggy say when Gonzo called her?
"I can't talk right now - I've got a frog in my throat."

What do you do in the event of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Why did God give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men.

What do you call a pussy that takes messages for you?
An answering cervix.

What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?
Mikey...He'll eat anything.

What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive foam?
A spermicidal maniac.

Know what is the square root of 69?
Ate something.

What is the speed limit of sex?
68, at 69 you have to turn around!

Why can women only go 68 mph on the highway?
Because at 69 they blow a rod.

Why do women like to play PacMan?
It's the only way they know of to get eaten three times for a quarter.

Why do men like to play Pinball?
It's the only way they can get five balls for a quarter.

What are two things in the air that can make a woman pregnant?
Her legs.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball!

What's the difference between trash and a sorority girl?
Trash sometimes gets picked up.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Lamborghini?
Not everyone has been in a Lamborghini!

What does a sorority girl do when she wakes up?
She goes home!

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you use it!

What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Tie them together, make it a tire, and call it a good year.

Why do Valley Girls use two diaphragms?
"Fur Shur, Fur Shur."

Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks!

When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.

What do soy beans and vibrators have in common?
They're both meat substitutes.

What's red and sits in a corner?
A baby playing with a razor blade.

What's red and sits in a corner?
A baby shaving its head with a potato peeler.

What's blue and sits in a corner?
A baby playing with a plastic bag.

What's green and sits in a corner?
The same baby three weeks later.

What's black and sits in a corner?
A baby with it's finger in a power point.

What's more fun than nailing a baby to a wall?
Ripping it off again.

What's more fun than spinning a baby on a clothes hoist at 100mph?
Stopping it with a cricket bat.

Why did the baby cross the road?
It was nailed to the chicken.

What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of marbles?
You can't load marbles with a pitchfork.

What's green and spins around at 100mph?
A frog in a blender.

What's red and spins around at 100mph?
A baby that's crawled in after it.

What's black and spins around slowly?
A foetus in a rotisserie.

What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
Blood brothers.

What's blue and yellow and floats at the bottom of the pool?
A baby with slashed water-wings.

Why couldn't the baby turn around in the hallway?
He had a javelin through his neck.

What's black and bobs up and down?
A baby in a toaster.

What's the difference between an abortion and sand?
You can't eat sand.

What's BABYLON?
The stuff you spray on babies before you iron them.

What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

What squeals and goes around at 100mph?
A baby in an electric fan.

What's more fun than a barrel full of dead babies?
A barrel full of dead babies with a live one on the bottom trying to get up.

How do you get a baby out of a blender?
With a straw.

What's got four wheels, smokes and squeals?
A bus load of babies on fire.

What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.

What's better than a baby in a bucket?
The same baby in two buckets.

What event nearly could have changed the course of history?
The dingo of Bethlehem.

What's the best babysitter you can get?
A dingo.

How do you bring up a baby?
Kick a dingo in the stomach.

Why is it so hard to breed dingoes?
It takes 9 months to grow the food.

What's a baby in a pram near Ayres Rock?
Meals on Wheels.

What's the definition of revenge?
A baby with a dingo in it's mouth.

Mummy! Mummy! I keep running around in circles.
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

Mummy! Mummy! I hate Daddy's guts.
Well push them to the side of the plate dear and eat the vegetables.

Mummy! Mummy! It's hot in here.
Shut up or I'll close the oven door as well.

Mummy! Mummy! Daddy's going out.
Shut up and put some more petrol on him.

Mummy! Mummy! I don't wanna go to America.
Shut up kid and keep swimming.

Mummy! Mummy! Can I lick out the bowl?
No! Flush it out like everybody else!

Mummy! Mummy! It's hot in here - can I come out?
No! Do you want the fire to spread to the rest of the house as well?

What's black and hops around?
Skippy in a bushfire.

Why have ducks got flat feet?
To stamp out burning kangaroos.

What do you use a wombat for?
Playing "WOM"!

Why did the leper leave the party?
Because they kept on dipping Jatz in his back.

What's green and hangs between two sticks?
A rotting cripple.

What's the smallest pub in the world?
The Thalidomide Arms.

Lepers playing poker:
One threw in his hand. The other laughed his head off.

Why did the prostitute leave the leper colony?
Business kept dropping off.

Why did the leper fail the driving test?
He left his foot on the clutch.

What happened to the masturbating leper?
He pulled himself to bits.

How do you make porridge?
Put a leper in a pot and stir.

What's a leper's worst enemy?
An Ethiopian with a spoon.

How do you make a skeleton?
Put a leper in a wind tunnel.

How do you make sausage?
Put a leper in a wind tunnel with a sock at the other end.

What do you call an English leper?
Tommy Rot.

What goes in but doesn't come out?
A leper.

How do you make spaghetti?
Hit a leper over the head with a tennis racquet.

What's green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.

What's red and hangs from trees?
A monkey's miscarriage.

What's red and crawls up a woman's leg?
Homesick afterbirth.

How do you know when your garden has aids ??
When the pansys die first.

Old footballers never die
They just play rugby..

Did you know that New Zealand is the only country where you can go into a
Venus shop and buy a blow-up sheep ??

Why do Kiwi's fuck sheep on the edge of cliffs ?
They push back harder !!

How do you know when an Irishman has been using a computer ??
When you find liquid-paper over the screen !!!

What did pinochio say to his girlfriend ???
Sit on my face and I will tell you a lie...

What do you call a black in the South ??( the southern US)
Stranded !!

What is a Darwin cocktail
A Jin and a blanket

What is the worst thing you can call someone.. an ankel.
Because it`s 3 feet lower than a cunt

How do you tell a bride at a Polish wedding.
She`s the one with the clean bowling shirt and sequened tennis shoes

How do you keep the flys off the bride at a Polish wedding.
Put a bucket of shit in the corner... whats the matter with that?... Most of the guests think it`s a dip

How do you tell the mother of the bride at an abo wedding... She's the one
with new thongs.

Whats worse than finding a pile of dead babies... Finding a pile of dead
babies and one on the bottom eating it`s way out.

What did the storm say to the coconut tree?
You  better hold onto your nuts tonight because it's going to be one hell of a blow job.

How do you tell if your best friends gay?
When you go down to suck his cock and it smells of shit.

How do you tell if your girlfriends fat?
When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.

What do you call an abbo with a job
A liar

Why do birds fly upside down over Italy?
Italians aren't worth shiting on.

What is a Darwin cocktail?
A Gin and a blanket

Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years ?
Because someone dropped a dollar coin.

How do you tell a bull dyke ?
She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

What sort of woman is a perfect ten ?
She's about waist high with no teeth and a flat head to rest your drink on.

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a peanut butter sandwich ?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

What do you have when you have two little green balls in your hand ?
Kermit's undivided attention.

Why did God invent women ?
Because sheep can't cook.

How do you catch hearing AIDS ?
Listening to arseholes!

Whats the difference between Britt Ekland and Ayers Rock?
Not everyones climbed on top of ayers rock.

What's the difference between Joan Collins and a bowling ball?
You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

What have Niki Lauda and Hot-Lips Hoolihan got in common?
They've both been fucked by Major Burns

What goes into 13 six time?
Roman Polanski.

What would it take to get the Beatles back together?
Three bullets.

What's red and white and lies in the gutter?
John Lennon.

What do you call a dog with Wings?
Linda McCartney.

What's black and smells like fish?
Tina Tuna.

How did AIDS get into America?
Up the Hudson.

What have Rock Hudson and Muhammad Ali got in common?
They've both been badly battered around the ring.

Why did they lie Rock Hudson face down in his casket?
So his friends could recognise him.

Why does Nancy Reagan climb on top for sex?
Because Ronnie can only screw up.

Did you hear about Ronald Reagan's bowel transplant?
The bowel rejected him.

What does Boy George have for breakfast?
Smack, Crackle, Pop.

What's the difference between mother Theresa and a rubber tyre?
Ever had mother Theresa go down on you?

What's deadlier than a Sydney Funnel-web?
A Malaysian trapdoor.

What's the difference between Bernard King and the space shuttle Challenger?
Bernard King teaches cooks....

What was the worst thing about the Challenger disaster?
It only killed seven Americans.

What were they drinking aboard the doomed shuttle mission?
Seven-Up with a dash of Teachers.

What's black and runs across the dessert at 180KPH?
An Ethiopian with a McDonalds voucher.

What do you call an Ethiopian with a rat?
A vegetarian.

What do you call an Ethiopian with two rats?
A caterer.

What's a fart in Ethiopia?
A status symbol.

What's the best thing about a blowjob from an Ethopian woman?
You know she'll swallow.

Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquakes?
It did $100 Million worth of improvements.

What do you call an Ethiopian in Mexico City?
A stick in the mud.

Who killed more Indians than John Wayne?
Union Carbide.

What do you do if you find an epileptic having a fit in your bath?
Throw in your washing.

What does it say on a negro epileptic's ID card?
Help, I'm not breakdancing.

What do you give a deaf, dumb and blind Thalidomide victim for Christmas?
Cancer.

hat turns a nine stone weakling into a 16-stone man of steel?
Polio.

What's the hardest thing about cooking vegetables in a microwave?
Getting the wheelchair through the door.

Did you hear about the spastic who won a disco competition?
He only got up to get a drink.

What's endless love?
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

What's black and bumps into pianos?
Ray Charles.

Did you hear about the Hellen Keller Doll?
You wind her up and she walks into walls.

Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's nappies?
So she could always find him.

Did you hear about the blind man who got a cheese grater for Christmas?
It was the most violent book he'd ever read.

Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.

How do you start a New Zealander in a small business?
Give him a big business and let him take it from there.

How do you know if your house has been burgled by a Kiwi?
Your cat's been raped and your thongs are missing.

What's it impossible to find in New Zealand?
Virgin wool.

Why wasn't Christ born in New Zealand?
Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

What's the difference between a Kiwi and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.

What do you call a Maori in a suit?
The defendant.

What do you get if you cross a New Zealander with an Aboroginal?
Someone who's too lazy to steal.

What's the difference between the Millford track & the Aussie cricket team?
Not everyone's walked over the Millford track.

What's an Australian man's definition of foreplay?
You awake?"

What's a Tasmanian man's idea of foreplay?
"You awake, Mum?"

What's a Tasmanian virgin?
A girl who can run faster than her father and brothers.

How does a Tasmanian know if his mother is menstruating?
His brother's dick tastes different.

Did you hear about the two aboriginals on That's Incredible?
One didn't drink and the other one had a job.

What do you call an aboriginal in a Rolls Royce?
A thief.

What's an aboriginal vibrator?
Eighty blowflies in a sherry bottle.

What did Jesus say on the cross to the aboriginals?
"Don't do anything until I come back."

Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
Because you can't fit that much shit in a shoe.

Why do italian boys grow moustaches?
So they can be like their mothers.

Why do birds fly upside down over Italy?
Because there's nothing worth shitting on.

What's a Greek tragedy?
Haemorrhoids.

What's a Greek ten?
The back of a "4".

What do you throw a drowning vietnamese?
His wife and family.

Why do Pakistanis carry shit in their wallets?
For identification.

Why don't Americans get piles?
Because they're perfect arseholes.

Why do Negroes have sex on the brain?
Because they've got pubic hair on their heads.

What do you get if you cross a black whore with a Chinese?
A maid that sucks your shirts.

What's black and brown and looks good on a negro?
A Dobermann.

How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to do it and nine to share the experience.

How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?
You don't have to change it - they all glow in the dark.

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to hold and nine to turn the ladder.

What do you get if you cross an Italian with a Jew?
A cleaner who thinks he owns the building.

How can you tell a Jew from an Italian?
The Jew's the one in the italian suit.

What do you call Israeli paratroopers?
Air pollution.

What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby?
A girl.

What's yellow and smells like bananas?
Monkey vomit.

Why do dogs lick their dicks?
Because they can.

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A few lines of coke and about ten drinks.

What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep.

What's green and smells like pork?
Kermit's finger.

Why are camels called ships of the desert?
Because they're always full of Arab semen.

Why was alcohol invented?
So fat, ugly women can get laid.

Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave snail tracks.

Why do women have fingers?
Because sheep can't type.

Why are women's vaginas and anuses so close together?
So you can pick them up like a six pack.

What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation?
Sewing in the anchovies.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job still sucks.

hat should women wear behind their ears to make them more attractive?
Their knees.

How do you give a woman a great orgasm?
Who cares?

How many radical feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny!

Why do Australian men come so quickly?
Because they can't wait to get down the to pub to tell their mates.

What's a poofter?
An Australian man who likes his women better than his beer.

Is it better to be born black or homosexual?
Black. That way you don't have to break the news to your parents.

What's a homosexual masochist?
A sucker for punishment.

How do you know if you've walked into a lesbian bar?
Even the  pool table hasn't got balls.

What's blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby with slashed floaties.

What's crunchy and taps on glass?
A baby in a microwave.

What's better than sex with a 16-year old girl?
Nothing.

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Fuck her.

What's a dirty bastard?
A kid that farts in church at his parents wedding.

What's a lousy lay?
A man who screws you all night with a 3 inch dick then kisses you goodbye with a 12 inch tongue.

What's invisible and smells like dogfood?
A pensioner's fart.

How can you tell when you're in a lesbian bar???
When even the pool table doesn't have balls!

What would it take to get the Beatles back together ?
3 bullets

Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can.

Whats pink and has seven dents in it???
Snow Whites hymen!

Why did the Cane Toad cross the road???
To see his flat mates!!!!

How do you make a hormone??
Dont pay!!!!!!!!

What does a vegeterian canibal eat?
The mushrooms between his toes...

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor!!

What do you call an Italian refridgerator?
Ice-a-Box.

What do you call an Italian woman?
Nice-a-Box!!

3 gays, what do you call the one in the middle?
A Double Adaptor.

Why did  the pervert cross the road?
'Cause his knob was stuck in the chicken!

What do you get when you cross a gorilla with an Aborigine?
A dumb gorilla!

What have an ice-hockey player and a South African woman got in common?
They both change their pads every 3 periods!!

What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an arsehole?
Paul Keating's necktie.......

What's red and white and grey all over?
Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

What does ann Abo call a corrugated sheet of metal?
A Doona

Why do Irish Dogs have flat noses?
Because they chase parked cars.

How many books can you put on an empty shelf?
One. After that it isn't empty.

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross again?
He wanted to be a dirty double crosser

What do you throw to a drowning boatie?
An Anchor.

Did you here about the Irishman that took his wife to an orgy?
He thought it was a B.Y.O. !!!

Did you hear about the two abo's on That's Incredible?
One had a job and the other didn't drink.

What is the heaviest thing in the world?
A shit, 'cause even super-man drops them.....

What is the lightest thing in the world?
A dick, 'cause it can stand up all by itself!!!!!...

What's brown and crusty and lies at the bottom of girl's underpants?
Clitty-Litter!!!!!..

What is the Sharpest thing in the world?
A fart, 'cause it rips through ya pants without tearing them.....

What's a pregnant womans nightmare?
A dingo with a yabby pump!

What's the one good thing about AIDS?
You can only catch it once!!!

What's the definition of a macho woman?
One who rolls her own tampons!!!

What kind of animal has a cunt on its back?
A Police horse!!!

What do you call an aboriginal lying down in the middle of the road?
A SPEED BUMP!

What is the difference between a dead kangaroo on the road and a dead aboriginal on the road?
SKID MARKS FOR THE KANGAROO!!

What do you call an abbo with dandruff?
A LAMINGTON

What do you call an abbo with acne?
A CHOKITO

What do you call an abbo stuck between 2 rocks.
CHOCK - WEDGE

What do you call an abbo in a car?
A THIEF

What do you call an abbo with a gun?
SIR

What's transparent and lies in the gutter?
AN ABBO WITH THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM

How do you get an aboriginal woman pregnant?
CUM IN THE GUTTER AND LET THE FLIES DO THE REST.

What do you do if an elephant comes in the window?
SWIM!!

What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
SAY SORRY AND WIPE IT OFF

What's white and hangs from the clouds?
THE COMING OF THE LORD

What's the best thing about getting head from an Ethiopean?
YOU KNOW SHE'LL SWALLOW

Why hasn't Santa Claus got any kids?
BECAUSE HE ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR AND THAT'S DOWN CHIMNEYS!

How can you tell Dolly Parton's kids at a party?
There the ones with stretch marks arounds their mouths.

What part of Popeye never rusts?
The part he puts in Olive Oil.

Did you hear about the queer deaf mute?
Neither did he.

Why did they have to call off the leppers hockey game?
There wasn't a face left in the goal.

Did you hear about the man with 5 pricks?
His pants fit him like a glove.

Why do female parachutists wear jock-straps?
So they don't whistle on the way down.

How can you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose?
Her ankles swell when she farts.

What do you get when you cross a whore with a computer?
A fucking know-all.

What does a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, one's coming and one's going.

Did you hear what happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
He got pissed off.

What's brown and has holes in it?
Swiss shit.

What's grosser than gross?
When you kiss your grandmother and she slips her tongue in.

What's so great about being a test tube baby?
You have a womb with a view.

Why do women have two holes close together?
In case you miss.

Why can't you circumcise an Arab?
Because there's no end to those pricks.

What's the difference between and abbo wedding and an abbo funeral?
One less drinker.

What's Greek foreplay?
Here Sheepie, Sheepie, Sheepie.

What do Rubik's cubes and dicks have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder it gets.

What's a 72?
A 69er with 3 people watching.

Is sex better than dope?
It depends on the pusher.

What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Because they have no balls to scratch.

Why do Irish women make the worst lovers?
Because they wait for the swelling to go down.

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

What do the Mafia and going down on a woman have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and your in shit.

Did you hear about the latest Irish attempt at Mt Everest ?
They ran out of scaffolding....

Do you know what the miracle of AIDS is?
It turns fruit into vegetables!

What's grosser than gross?
When you kiss your grandmother and she slips you the tongue.

What's a real friend?
Someone who will go downtown, get 2 blowjobs, come back, and give you one.

What is the difference between a woman kneeling in prayer and a woman in the bath?
The woman kneeling in prayer has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.

Why do babies have soft spots on their heads?
So that when there is a fire, the nurse can carry them out 5 at a time.

What do you have when you have two blacks in a shoe box?
A pair of black loafers.

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your lovers ass with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole chicken.

What do you call a child raised in house of ill repute?
A brothel sprout.

How do you seperate the men from boys in a gay bar?
With a crowbar.

Did you hear about the deaf mute?
Neither did he.

What happened to the butcher when he backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his orders.

What do promiscious angels get?
Harpies.

What do you call a legless man waterskiing?
Skip.

What's organic dental floss?
Pubic hair.

What's a 69 and 69?
Dinner for four.

What's the difference between your sister and a cadillac?
Most people haven't been in a cadillac.

Did you hear about the two scottish gays?
Ben Dover and Phil McCrevice.

How can you tell an Italian plane on the runway?
It's the one with hair under its wings.

What do Linda Lovelace and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They both swallow seamen.

Why did they have to call off the lepers hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner.

Did you hear about the man who had five pricks?
His pants fit him like a glove.

Why are the starship Enterprise and Toilet paper similar?
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

When does a cub become a boy scout?
When he eats his first brownie.

What's worse than lobster on your piano?
Crabs on your organ.

What do you call an Irishman in a tree?
A branch manager.

Why can't gypsies have babies?
Because their husbands have crystal balls.

What do you call an adolescent hare?
A pubic hare.

What's the last thing that goes through a cats mind as it's hit by a truck at 100 km/h?
It's arsehole.

What do gorillas and bulldozers have in common?
They both fuck up trees.

What do you get when you cross a whore with a computer?
A fucking know-all.

What is black, pink and hairy and sits on a wall?
Humpty-cunt.

What do you call a female sex change operation?
Addadicktomy.

Did you hear about the new German microwave?
It seats six.

What do you call an abortion in Czecholslovakia?
A stopped cheque.

Did you hear about the Ku Klux Knievel?
He tried to jump over 8 black men with a steamroller.

How do you get a black man out of a tree in Alabamma?
Cut the rope.

What's a 68?
You go down and I'll owe you one.

What do soya beans and dildos have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.

What's brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's first movement.

What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian grandmother?
Twenty pounds and a black dress.

What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman!

What's the difference between the Panama Canal and Za Za Gabor?
One's a Busy Ditch and the others a ......

"Mommy, mommy, I hate Jimmy's guts!"
"Shut up and eat what's on your plate..."

"Mommy, mommy, I don't WANT to go to Europe!"
"Shut up and keep swimming..."

Why did the chicken cross the road??
Too long to go around.....

What's red and white and scratches on the window?
Baby in the microwave.

"Mommy, mommy, I hate running around in the same circles!"
"Shut up, or I'll nail your OTHER foot to the floor!"

What's the key to survival in the Greek army?
Never leave your buddies' behind....

Why did the Chicken Cross the road?
Because he heard the Colonel does chicken Right!

Or why did the Chicken Cross the road?
To get away from the ethopian!

In Greece how do they seperate the Men from the Boy's?
With a Crowbar!

What's the perfect gift for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.

Who do you put a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can watch it's expression.

How do you make a dead baby float?
1 scoop dead baby 2 scoops ice cream

Why is a Newfie's piss yellow?
So that he knows if he is coming or going.

How do you stop five blacks from raping a white girl?
Throw em a basketball.

What is smorplay?
That's what Smurfs do before they smuck.

What is the definition of EGG HEAD
That's what Mrs. Dumpty gives Humty Dumpty!!!!!

What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points.

What are three words you dread the most while making love?"
"Honey, I'm home."

What do you get when you cross a Centipede with a Turkey?
I don't know wither but at thanksgiving Everyone got a Leg!

Why did the chicken cross the road??
It was to see his psychiatrist (who lived on the other side) to learn what deep inner compulsion made him keep crossing the road...

What do you call a smurf with his pants down???
blue moon...

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.

How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1:None of your damn business!
A2:50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.

How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
Three:
 One to write the light bulb removal program,
 One to write the light bulb insertaion program, and
 One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the
 bulb at the same time.

How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
Both of them.

How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
  Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to
           change the bulb.

How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Billions and billions.

How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb
 was.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly color ed
 machine tools.

How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to
 bill it all to Medicare.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.

How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------ consists of sequences of non-blank characters seperated by blanks".

How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"

How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.

How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee.

How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.

How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
That's not funny!

How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

How many strong bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It turned itself in.

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better  it is than with a man.

How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There never *was* any light bulb.

How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!

How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
---- You should have hit "n"!

How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-third less than for a regular bulb.

How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What kind of answer did you have in mind?

How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.

How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give  it a suprising twist at the end.

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light  bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
Who says it's dark?

How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.

How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new superhigh wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.

How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
Many hands make light work.

How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.

What does a balloon and a virgin have in common?
One prick and its gone.

What do you call 2 skunks doing " 69 " ?
Odor eaters......

What's the difference between a rooster and a hooker?
The rooster says "Cock-a-doodle-do", and the hooker says "Any cock'll do"

Know why all the really beautiful women hang around the guys who are cruel, nasty and  otherwise obnoxious?
Because theres just no end to those pricks!

What's black and white and red and can't go through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear in her chest.

What's black white black white black etc...?
A nun rolling down a hill.

What's black white and laughing?
The priest who pushed her.

Hear about the bulemic chorus girl who worked the bachelor party?
The cake came out of her!

Hear about the cannibal that passed his sister in the woods?

Ever throw up your hands in disgust?
The cannibal threw up his sisters hands in disgust!

What kind of sex do celibate priests have?
Nun.

What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and blue?
A nun falling down a flight of stairs.

Did you hear that Richard Gere visited the hospital AGAIN?
He had to have a mole removed.

Why'd the Aggie put ice-cubes in his rubber?
To keep the swelling down.

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.

What's worse in the morning then finding a dead skunk on the piano?
Waking up in the morning and finding a diseased beaver on the organ.

And now.  Why didn't Merry Christmas have any kids?
Cause Santa had popcorn balls.

Here about the little buck bunny trying to convince the little doe bunny?
Aw, come on.  It won't hurt, now did it?

How do you make love to a fat woman?
Slap her on the thigh and ride the first wave in.

What kind of dog has four legs and one arm?
A Pit Bull!

What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with Lassie?
A dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help!

What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with Lassie?
A dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help!

What's the difference between Erotic and Kinky?
With Erotic, you use a feather...for Kinky, you use the entire chicken!

Hear about the father of the leper?
He gave away his daughter's hand in marriage.

Heard about Zsa Zsa's new fragrance?
It's called Conviction and you just slap it on.

Why did the Siamese twins got to England?
So the other one could drive for a while.

What is: peck, peck, peck, BANG, peck, peck, peck BANG??
A chicken in a mind field...

What is: I got it.....I got it.....I got it.....I got it......
A blind guy with a rubicks cube...

What is: Bop, Bop, Bop, YELL, smush...
Someone plucking a baby's soft spot on his head

What's the difference between a pit bull and a woman with PMS?
Jewelery!

What's more dangerous than a pit bull with AIDS?
The guy who gave it to him.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three, .. IT JUST DOES!!!!

What's the difference between an Iraqi woman and a catfish?
One has whiskers and smells bad, and the other is a fish.

Did you hear about the who moved his entire house six inches to the side?
He needed to tighten his loose clothesline!

How many Irishmen does it take to havesex.
5 - 1 to do the job and 4 to bounce the bed.

Why did the bald man have a hole in his pants?
So he could run his fingers through his hair.

What is biker foreplay?
"You awake, bitch?"

How many Indians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.  One to hold the lightbulb and the other to drink beer until the room spins.

How do you get a black man out of a tree in Alabama??
Cut the rope.

What do call a steer without legs?
Ground Beef!

What do you call a cow that just had a calf?
Decalfinated!

What's the NEW use Montana boys have found for sheep?
They use them for wool!

Why don't more blind people skydive?
Scares the heck out of their dogs!!

Did you hear about the young, newly married couple who didn't know the difference between vaseline and putty?
Their windows fell out.

How do blind skydivers know when to pull their ripcord?
When their dogs' leash goes slack.

Whats the difference between sheep and women?
Sheep can't cook!

What do you have if you bury 1000 lawyers up to their necks in sand?
A shortage of sand.

What's the best way to get a hold of a lawyer?
By the neck...

Why did the lawyer hang out at the train station?
Someone told him that's where the SOO Line was...

What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
There is none - they'll both screw you.

How do you know if a lawyer is lying to you?
It depends if he has opened his mouth...

What's the difference between an elephant and an lawyer's head?
730 Pounds.

How do you make up the difference?
Force feed the elephant.

What's the easiest way to get away from a lawyer?
Buy a faster ambulance.

What should you do if you find three lawyers buried up to their neck in cement?
Run and find some more cement!

What's a good example of a missed opportunity?
A bus-load of lawyers going over a cliff with one empty seat.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer by the side of the road?
The skunk has skid marks leading up to it.

Why do lawyers carry excrement in their wallets?
For identification.

A trial attorney and personal injury lawyer jump out of airplane at the same time.  Who hits the ground first?
Who cares.

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q: of 146?
The State Bar.

Did you hear about the Lawyer who thought asphalt was a rectal problem?
Did you hear about the female lawyer that wanted to trade in her menstrual cycle for a Honda?

Why would anyone have sex with a lawyer?
...you really want to get screwed... OR ...you have no other way to time a three minute egg... OR ...your'e tired of doing it with your own species.

Hear about the Polish Hooker who catered only to Lepers?
She didn't make much money but she sure got a lot of tips!

Why did the leper go back to the showers?
He left his Head & Shoulders!

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks!

Have you heard that Karen Carpenter's surviving brother, Richard, has put out a new hit song?
It's called, "She Ain't Heavy, She's My Sister."

What are two things in the air that can make a woman pregnant?
Her legs!

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

Why are pubic hairs curly?
You'd poke your eye out if they weren't!

What is the difference between an angry rooster and a lawyer?
In the morning a rooster gets up and clucks defiance.

Why are Aggie women like a Hockey team?
Because they both shower after 3 periods.

Did you hear about the new George Bush bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
It is full of right  wings and assholes.

What has a thousand teeth and eats weinies?
A zipper.

What do you call a gay Jew?
A Heblew.

What's brown and full of holes?
Swiss shit.

Where do you get virgin wool?
From ugly sheep.

What do you call a man who puts his tool in another man's mouth?
A dentist.

What's the difference between black pussy and a bowling ball?
You can eat a bowling ball!

Why does a computer and a woman have in common?
You have to punch information into both of them.

Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave a trail like a slug.

What's the purpose of a woman?
Cat life-support system.

What's the first thing a gentleman does with his a-hole in the morning?
-Wakes her up and gets her to make coffee.

Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood  restaurant??
One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France????
Linoleum blown-apart.

Hear about the woman that used a glass diaphragm?
She wanted a womb with a view.

Did ya hear about the distraught Polish secretary?  
She thought her typewriter was pregnant because it kept missing periods....

Hear about the Polacks shoes? They had TGIF on the top.
"Toes go in first"

Hear what Evil Kenevil's latest death defying stunt is going to be?
Walking across Newfoundland dressed as an Alter-boy.

Which reminds me of the line, What has an IQ of 20 and has 7 teeth??
Front row at a Willie Nelson concert!

What is 50 feet long and has no pubic hair?
The front row at a New Kids on the Block concert.

What's pink, wrinkled, and hangs out your pajamas?
Your mother.

What's hard, and round and sticks out of your clothes far enough that you can hang a hat on it?
Your head

What's a Polish shishkebob?
A flaming arrow through a garbage can.....

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

What did the Pole do when he found out he had sugar in his urine?
He pissed on his corn flakes....

What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Soup
 
Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
Their was a face off

How do you know when a leper's poker game is over?
They all throw in their hands
 
What did the leper say to the Hooker?
Keep the tip

Why did they stop the leper baseball game?
Someone dropped a ball in left field.

Why did they stop the leper football game?
There was a hand off at the line of scrimmage.

Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face off.

What's grosser than gross?
7 babies in a trash can.

What's grosser than that?
1 baby in 7 trash cans.

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A 50 ft. cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

What do prostitutes and peanut butter have in common?
They both spread for bread.

Did you hear about the big drug bust at the airport the other day?
Yeah, they lifted up this ladies skirt and found 50 pounds of crack.

Why does Miss Piggy uses honey and vinegar douche?
Because Kermit likes to eat sweet and sour pork.

How is a Mexican like a cue ball?
The harder you hit 'em, the more English they pick up.

What do you call 1000 black guys jumping out of an airplane with out parachutes?
Asphalt

How many Country Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - One to change the bulb, the other to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

What is the only part of Popeye that doesn't get rusty?
The part he sticks in to Olive Oil!

What do you get when you mix a Rooster with peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

What is green, slimy and smells like Ms. Piggy?
Kermits middle finger!!!

How does a mexican know when he's hungry??
His ass burns!

Why did the pervert cross the road?
He was stuck in a chicken.

Why did the New Yorker cross the road?
What's it to you??!!!!!!!!!!!?

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Chickens weren't invented yet.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?
A cock that stays up all night.

What's a mile long and moves at 5 mph?
A Mexican funeral with only one set of jumper cables.

Why were there only 5000 Mexicans at the battle of the Alamo?
They only had four cars.

What's the difference between a Hedgehog and a BMW
The pricks are on the outside of a Hedgehog!

What did the ship's navigator say to the midget?
"Belly-high, here's your island.....

What do you call an Italian suppository???
an Inuendo?

What do you call an Italian astronaut???
a specimen..

What's the definition of gross???
Diving into a bowl of snot and eating your way out!

What's the definition of pain??
Jumping off the CN tower and getting your nose caught on a nail!

What's another def of pain??
Sliding down the CN tower with razor blades strapped to your butt and then landing in a bowl of iodine!

What is red and scratches on glass??
A baby in a microwave!

What is green and doesn't scratch on glass???
The same baby two weeks later!

How do you get across a room without touching any babies??
Use a snowblower!!!

What is black and squirms??
A half alive baby in a body sack.

What is black, smells and doesn't squirm??
The same baby three weeks later!!

What do you get when you mix vodka and Milk of Magnesia?
A Phillips Screwdriver!

What's black and white and red all over?
Santa Claus coming down the chimney.

"Who was that lady I seen you with last night?" "You mean 'I saw.'"
"Ok, who was that eyesore I seen you with last night?"

"What do you get when you cross poison ivy with 4 leaf clovers?"
"A rash of good luck!"

Why did the theatre critic always praise the first show of the season?
He didn't want to stone the first cast.

What type of birth control would a Roman Catholic lumberjack who's wed to a mathematican use???
The log-a-rhythm-method.

Why did King Author wear his Cloak to the Great Ball, rather than his Mantle?
Cause kings go better with cloak!

Why didn't the Maharishi want novocaine when he had a tooth pulled?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

What time of day was Adam born?
A little before Eve.

When was radio first mentioned in the Bible?
When God took a rib from Adam and made a loudpeaker.

What's blue and squirms in the corner?
A baby with a plastic bag.

Why is sex spelled S-E-X?
It's too hard to spell Uhhhh, Ahhhhhh, and Aieee!!!

How do you unload a truck full of babies?
With a pitchfolk.

Do you know why Scotsman wear kilts??
Sheep can hear a Zipper a mile away.

Did you hear about the polish helicopter pilot?
He was cold so he shut the fan off.

What goes VROOOM-SCREECH, VROOOM-SCREECH, VROOOM-SCREECH?
A pollack trying to go through a blinking red light.

What's the definition of an Italian virgin?
A twelve year old that can run faster than all her brothers.

Why did God create women ?
Because sheep can't type.

How do you get 29 newfies into a small car?
Throw in a can of beans.

Why did God create women ?
To give the sheep a rest.

What's white and red and sits in the corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.

Why do they boil water when a baby is being born?
In case it dies, they can make soup.

What is 96?
69, the cost of eating out went up!

Whats the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair!

What would a 500 pound rat say, if it could talk?
"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty........."

Why does Dolly Parton have such a thin waist?
Why?  Because everyone knows that things can't grow in the shade.

Have you seen Dolly Partons NEW Shoes?
Niether has she!

How can you tell which kids are hers?
The ones with stretch marks on thier lips!

Hear about the Flys who went mountain climbing on Dolly?
They didn'tmake it!

Where does a horse go when he gets sick?
The horspital.

Where does a duck go when he gets sick?
The ductor.

What does an elephant do when he stubs his toe?
He calls the toe truck.

What happens when ducks fly backwards?
They quack up.

What's grey, has four legs, and a trunk?
A mouse on vacation.

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
Answering the iron.

How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.

Why does Helen Keller play the piano with only one hand?
She uses the other to sing with.

Why is Helen Keller's leg yellow?
Because her dog is blind, too!

Why don't men trust women?
Would you trust someone that bled for a week and didnt die?

What did spock find in the toilet?
The captains log!

What do you get when a dinosaur has a car accident?
Tyrannosarus wrecks

What did one lightbulb say to the other?
I'm going out tonight

What did the firefly say when he backed into the lawn-mower?
De-lighted, no end!

What did Miss Piggy say when she awsnered the phone?
"I can't talk right now, I have a frog in my throat!

Oh yeah? Have you heard about the new cereal Prostatutes?
They don't snap, crackle or pop. They just sit there and bang!!!

What do you get when you cross a WASP and an orangutan?
I don't know... but whatever it is, it won't let you in ITS cage!

Why do Polish people have such beautiful noses?
They're handpicked.

What's the definition of bad acne?
Waking up in the park with a blind man reading your face.

Do you know how to tell which is the rich Polack in an all polack neighborhood?
His is the house with the diving board on the septic tank.

Between which two toes is a girl the most ticklish?
The two big ones.

What do you call 6 Iraqi's with a sheep?
A gang bang.

What does an Iraqi woman call a sheep?
Competition.

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.

What do you call a 250 pound woman with a yeast infection?
A Whopper with cheese.

Why do lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskins from covering up their faces.

Do you know why Iraqi high schools can't offer driver's ed and sex ed in the same year?
The camels can't take the pressure.

What's the difference between a prostitute with diarhea and a corn farmer with epilepsy?
The corn farmer shucks between fits.

What is the difference between a shithead and a brownnoser?
Depth perception.

Why are people so fragile?
They were made with only one screw.

Why are pool tables green?
If you had your balls racked, you'd be green too.

What's 6 inches long, has a head on it, and makes women go wild?
Money.

If a man with a million dollars is a millionaire, what is a woman with a million dollars?
Married.

Why are dogs better than kids?
When you get sick of your dog, you can put it to sleep.

Why do barkeeps in Ireland cry at funerals.
Lost revenue.

What's Green and red and goes a thousand miles an hour?
A frog in a blender.

What do you get when you add milk?
Frognog.

What happens when you drink Frognog?
You croak.