An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years. Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight when the apparition became visible.
The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot. The happy photographer popped a bulb into his camera and took the picture. After dashing into his studio, the photographer developed the negative and groaned. It was underexposed and completely blank. The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.
There was once a man who was shipwrecked on an Island.The natives told him he could live there as long as he liked,with the only rule being that if a certain type of bird flies over the Island and shits on you,you cannot wipe it off for 3 days,or terrible misfortunes will befall you! Well, the man laughed to himself at this silly native superstition and went about his business.
One day the bird (known by the natives as "the Foo Bird")did happen to fly across the Island, and sure enough!, shit on the man's head! Well,the man was disgusted and wiped it off immediately, paying no heed to the native's warnings. The next day he was swimming and was eaten by a huge great white shark! What is the moral of this story? If the Foo shits,wear it!!!!
There was a small frog who needed a loan to buy a new car. He went in to see the loan officer, Mr.Patrick Whack. I'd like to have a loan, the frog said timidly.
The loan officer said: "well,do you have any collateral?"
"Well, said the frog, all I have is this small charm, that has been in the family for years, will it do?"
The loan officer wasn't sure so he went in to see the bank manager. "There is this small frog outside who needs to buy a new car, and the only collatteral he has is this"; and he handed the charm to the bank manager.
The bank manager looked at the charm and said: "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"
I know this couple who owns a flower shop. One day, shortly after the shop closed, the husband brought a shapely young hooker to the shop. The wife walked in unexpectedly, as she had forgotten something. The husband was caught with his plants down.
A young man who was prematurely bald went to a barber for a trim. during the course of the short haircut the young man asked if there was a dependable hair restorer. The barber gave him the advice that stimulation of the scalp was best accomplished by rubbing the scalp against his wife's snatch three or four times a day for fifteen minutes each 24 hour period.
The man left and about one year later a hairy monster comes into the barber shop and says, "hey there. remember me?"
The barber says,"pull the hair away so I can see your face."
The guy spreads the hair so his face can be seen and says," I am the guy you told to rub my head on my wife's pussy to stimulate hair growth. It really works good."
The barber twirled the tip of his 16 inch mustache between his thumb and forefinger and answered, "you're telling me?"
A farm boy was out behind the barn playing with his manhood, when his father came around the corner and saw him.
"What you doin boy?" says the old man.
"I donno" says the boy "but it feels real good."
The father says "Boy! don't you know bout intercourse?".
"Intercourse?" says the boy "what's that?".
So the father takes the boy in the house and says to his wife, "Woman, take your clothes off and get on the floor, It's time we showed Clem bout intercourse".
He turns to the boy and says "Boy, you see that hole on maw? Watch Paw".
So paw proceeds to mount Maw and go to town".
About that time sis walked in and exclaims "What they doin? They fighten?"
Clem says "don't you know nuttin? Thats intercourse".
"Intercourse?" says sis "What's that?"
"Well I have ta learn ya" says clem as he takes off his clothes. "Ya see that hole on Paw? Watch Clem"
A man was out for a walk one day and on his travels he wandered through a farm. Strangely, he saw a pig with a wooden leg! This intrigued him so much he found the farmer and quizzed him about it.
"This be no ordinary pig" said the farmer. "For example, only two days ago there was a fire in the chicken shed when I was away from the farm. The pig noticed this and immediately went and let all the chickens out into the yard. He then phoned for the fire brigade and came straight back to hold the fire until they arrived!"
"And a few weeks ago, I was driving my tractor down a steep hill, when I lost control and the vehicle overturned - knocking me unconscious! The pig saw this, phoned for the ambulance and then rushed to the tractor and pulled me clear of the cab just before it set on fire."
The framer was just about to launch into another tale when the man said "Yes yes, but what about the wooden leg?"
"Well" said the farmer "when you've got an pig as good as that, you don't eat it all at once!"
WE were in Geology Class (About 300 people) and on Final Exam the teacher called for the Exam Papers. Well 5 minutes later, sure enuff, a Student Came Down with his Exam Paper and tried to turn it it. Well of course the Teacher Said he couldn't Accept it! Well the student asked the teacher "do you know me?" The teacher replied "No" And so the student then lifted up the Stack of Exam Papers and insterted his Exam and walked away.
The Abbot of the Monastery was very strict in his routine. Each morning, he'd come out of his cell, go into the main room where all the monks were sitting, and chant "Good Morning."
They would chant back "Good Morning." At the evening meal, he'd enter the room and sing "Good Evening," and they would reply in kind.
One morning, though, in response to his greeting, he distinctly heard one monk sing "Good Evening." Wondering if his ears were going, he sang "Good Morning," only to hear the anomalous greeting again.
Looking about the room, he sang "Someone Chanted 'Evening.'"
After the third murder in as many months of residents of the fourth floor of the dormitory, Sherlock Holmes was called in the case. In each death the body of a student had been discovered the next morning crushed and covered with tire marks.
"How did a car get onto the fourth floor?", asked the baffled campus security police.
"Have you noticed", Holmes said, "that the deaths all occurred when there was a full moon?". I believe that we are dealing with that unhappy curse of modern technological society- the descendent of the werewolf, the weremobile!!!"
On the next night that the moon was full, the Great Detective took action. Every student that lived on the fourth floor was locked in a separate room, along with an electronically monitored five gallon can of gasoline. Toward the middle of the night the instruments showed the disappearance of the gas in room 440, which was occupied by Japanese-American student named Nagawa.
"He's pouring out the gas!", whispered the security chief.
"No!, he's drinking it," said Holmes.
Peering through the keyhole of room 440 they saw that the student was no longer there, and in his place was a Japanese compact car!!! The next morning Holmes confronted Nagawa.
"When the moon is full, you become an automobile, and you run over your fellow students on the fourth floor." "But how did you know?", gasped Nagawa. "Alimentary, my were-Datsun."
A man was shipwrecked on yet another island.He built himself a grass and straw shelter and all was OK until a flock of Terns flew onto the island. The terns started pecking at his shelter, weakening it. This would not do, so the usually gentle man started throwing stones at the terns, till all flew away save one. Well, the man figured that one tern could do no harm, so he didn't bother to chase it away. The last tern kept pecking at the shelter, till it fell in upon the sleeping man ,smothering him. What is the moral of this story???
Never leave a tern unstoned!!!
A man had a weird illness. Whenever he broke wind, it made the sound "honda". He asked his doctor about it but the doctor after months of tests and literature-reading, could not figure it out. Finally,just before he was about to give up,he has an idea! "I'll call Honda Company in Japan and ask the company doctor!!" Well, he called the Japanese doctor and was told by him to see if the patient had an abscess in his teeth somewhere.
Sure enough, there is, and when it was treated the other affliction ended! When the doctor asked his Japanese counterpart how he could make such a great diagnosis over the phone from such a long distance away the man replied, simple: Abscess makes a fart go honda!!!
A man was cleaning out his attic, throwing out all the old junk, when his friend Bill came over to see him. "Find anything decent up here?" he asked.
"Well, not much. Best thing I found was this old Bible, written by some guy named Gutenberg. Ever seen one of these?"
Bill said, "That book is one of the most valuable books ever to exist! There's only 13 of them known left! It's worth MILLIONS!"
"Well, mine can't be worth that much. Some ass named Martin Luther scribbled all over it."
There was the guy driving along the highway at 40. A chicken was keeping up with him and the chicken had three legs. He increased speed to 60 and the chicken was still running alongside. He then increased his speed to 80, and the chicken sped up and cut across in front of him and went up a sideroad. The guy was intrigued by all this, so turned around and drove into the sideroad which ended in a farmer's yard. The farmer came over to the car and asked if he could help. The motorist asked if he had seen a three-legged chicken come through his yard. The farmer said he had and, as a matter of fact, he and his sons had bred the chickens to provide three drumsticks.
"How are they?" asked the motorist.
"Hell," replied the farmer, "WE don't know, we've never been able to catch one of them!"
My favorite college joke is about the lad from the hills of Kentucky who won a scholarship to MIT. In familiarizing himself with the campus, he was walking across the quad and stopped an upperclassman to ask,
"Scuse me, can you tell me whar the liberry is at?"
The upperclassman drew himself up to his full height and haughtily told the lad he was attanding the most prestigious engineering school in the world and that they prided themselves on being able to communicate properly as well. He said they NEVER ended a sentence with a preposition and asked if the lad would like to rephrase his question. The kid looked him up and down and said,
"Shore, can you tell me whar the liberry is at, asshole."
A jewish man comes home from the doctor and tells his wife he has herpes. She says Vahts dat? He didn't know either, so she looked it up in the medical dictionary, and said, Don't vorry it's a disease for the gentiles.
The doctor comes in with the results of the mans checkup and says, I've got good news and bad news. The man says, give me the bad news first. The doctor says, the bad news is you have AIDS. The man says oh my god, what news could be good after hearing that? The doctor says the good news is you also have Alzheimers, so go home and forget about it.
Bush falls into a coma and awakes 3 years later. His advisors explain he has been in a coma for 3 years, and Quayle took over. Bush asks how Quayle is doing, and his advisors say, ok but inflation is a bit high. Bush says, well I remember stamps were 25 cents, how much do they cost now? His advisor says 500 yen.
A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.
The brother said "What should we do?"
The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."
The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun YOU."
Four workers were discussing how smart thier dogs were. The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square" and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule." He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.
All three men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the Union Member and said "What can your dog do ?"
The Teamster member called his dog, whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do."
"Coffee Break" went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for work- man's compensation and left for home on sick leave.
A woman walks into her vets office with her poodle and sits down next to a lady sitting with her great dane. They get to talking and the great dane's owner asks the poodle's owner why they are there. The poodle's owner explains that her dog is a male and he keeps trying to fuck her leg so she is getting him nutered. The great dane's owner told her she knows just how she feels as every time she bends over her dog gets on her ass and tries to fuck her.
Poodle owner - so are you getting him nuetered also?
Great Dane owner - No I'm getting his nails clipped.
"I think feminists have a point. I think there OUGHT to be a 'spokesperson'. I think there OUGHT to be a 'chairperson'. But sometimes, they go to far. They want me to call that thing in the street a 'personhole'. People would look up and see the 'person in the moon'. And what would a 'lady's man' be? A 'persons's person'? That would make a 'he-man' an 'it-person'. And these are the things you would be hearing about on 'Late Night with David Letterperson
A born loser: Somebody who calls the number that's scrawled in lipstick on the phone booth wall -- and his wife answers.
Our hero is at a bar,starting to tell this joke....Shhhh!
"This jock walked into a bar on night.."
"Hey buddy". interupted the beefy bartender,leaning over toward him. "This isn't one of those dumb-jock jokes is it"? he asked.
"Well as a matter of fact it is" answered the man. "What of it"?
"Look, I lift weights when I'm not working here.and see that guy over there? He's a pro wrestler. And those guys over there at the end of the bar are pro football players. You SURE you want to tell your joke here?" asked the bartender.
"I guess you're right",replied our hero. "I'd hate to have to explain it 5 times."
A bunch of sports-minded guys were boozing it up to excess and getting very loud in the process. When the subject of the University of Georgia came up, one of the guys snorted:
"Huh! Everybody at Georgia is either a dumb football player or a whore!"
Across the table, another guy stood up, grabbed the first guy by the collar, and said: "Oh, is that right? I've have you know MY DAUGHTER goes to Georgia."
First guy: "Really? Umm ... what position does she play?"
This guy walks up to a sheepherder, and says "I bet you one of your sheep that I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock".
SHEEPHERDER: No way I have too many. You have a bet.
SHEEPHERDER: WOW!!! That's amazing. OK take whatever sheep you want.
A few minutes later.......
SHEEPHERDER: HEY buddy. I bet you double or nothing I can guess your nationality.
GUY: I guess it's only fair. OK!
GUY: Yeah! How'd you know.
SHEEPHERDER: Put the dog back, and I'll explain it to you.
Chris was enjoying a few at the local pub when a man joined him at the bar, swaying back and forth as he stood there. It started to get on Chris' nerves, so finally he turned to the stranger and asked "What's with all this lurching back and forth? Can't you stand still?"
"I was with the Merchant Marines for 15 years," the fellow explained genially,"and the roll of the sea kinda got in my blood."
"IS that so? Well, I've got 14 kids," sputtered Chris, starting to pump his hips energetically back and forth at the bar, "and I don't stand like this!"
When Noah was loading the animals on the ark, a pair of adders came to the gangplank.
Noah said "I'm sorry, but I can only take animals that can multiply, and you're adders".
They said "Well, how are we gonna survive the flood??!!??"
Noah said "I don't know, and I wish I could help you, but I've got my orders right from the Top."
So the adders built a high platform out of tree trunks, and stayed up on that during the flood. When the flood subsided and the ark docked, Noah came down the gangplank and to his amazement was met by the two adders with a whole lot of little adders.
He said "I didn't know you could multiply!!!" They said "Neither did we, until we got on the log table."
And so...the young, innocent farmgirl finally made it to the big city. Upon landing her first real job as a Greyhound bus driver, she expressed her excitement about her new job by pleasantly greeting each passenger that she picked up along her route.
Early one morning, while rolling down one of the back country roads on her route, she pulled up to a gentlemen waiting at the bus stop right outside of the local farmers market.
The man was standing there with a rooster, a hen, and a donkey - not an uncommon picture around these parts.
So, in her usual, charming manner, she pulled up and greeted the fellow with a big smile...
" Mornin' Sir.. Should I grab your cock and pullet til you get your ass in the door ??? "
A young guy went to the drugstore to buy some condoms. The pharmacist noticed that the guy was a bit confused and offered help. The pharmacist told the guy he could buy a three pack, a six pack, or a twelve pack and explained the difference when asked. He said that the three pack was for high school kids; one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. So what's the six pack for, asked the young guy? That's for college kids; two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday. The customer's curiosity aroused, he asked about the twelve pack. Oh, said the pharmacist, those are for married couples; one for January, one for February, one for March...
There was this def mute couple and they really wanted to make love. The girl said that she would, only if he had a condom. The guy then ran to his dresser and grabbed a 10 dollar bill. Out the door he went in search of a condom. When he arrived at the drug store he remembered that he didn't know how to sign the word condom. In desperation, he unzippered his pants and layed it on the counter.Then he slaped down his 10 dollar bill.
The Pharmacist came over and looked at what the guy had done. The phamacist then unzippered his pants and layed his on the counter. "Ha mines bigger" yelled the pharmacist.
He took the 10 bucks.
A duck went into a drugstore to buy some condoms.
Druggist said: "You want me to put that on your bill?"
Duck said: "Just What kind of a duck do you think I am?"
A piano player found his instrument to be out of tune and therefore called in the local tuner, Mr. Orlando Oppornokity. Mr. O. accordingly was summoned, tinkered with the keys, and departed. The piano player was not satisfied with the job, however, and called Mr. O. demanding that he return and do the job right. Not on your life, Mr. O. replied, "Oppornokity tunes but once."
There was a rascal who managed to get engaged to two women at the same time: one named Edith, in California, and the other named Kate, in texas. Unfortunately for the rascal, the two girls met at a beauty contest, discovered the truth, and confronted him with the following admonition: "You can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
So the High School Shop Teacher is giving his students a little quiz -- he asks a girl if she can explain the difference between a screw, a nail, and a bolt.
"Golly!" she replied, "I've never BEEN bolted!"
"What are you doing that for?", Bill asked, looking at his friend Tyrone. The large, muscular negro had just finished using a urinal and before zipping up, banged his cock against the side of the receptacle three times.
"You oughta try it," Tyrone explained as he zipped up, "it'll make your dick bigger."
Bill scoffed politely.
"Naw man, I mean it. Come on, just humor me: every morning when you get up and take a leak, bang your dick against the toilet three times. I'll bet you anything it works."
Sceptical but good natured, Bill agrees to try his friend's advice. The next morning, he pulls himself out of bed, urinates, and beats his pud against the toilet. Every morning for two weeks he performs this procedure, and upon close inspection, he realizes his cock is indeed almost half an inch longer. From then on, he enthusiastically performs this task. One morning, however, the banging noise rouses his wife from sleep in the next room.
"Tyrone, is that you?" she asks.
This guy has been feeling really bad for about 3 weeks so he goes to see his doctor.
The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what you've got, but it could be serious, so why don't you go to this specialist I know."
So the man went to the specialist and the specialist said, "Look you have this rare sickness, only one person every ten years gets it! The only cure is made in Australia in a little town called Mercey, about 400 miles from Sidney. By the way, you have 1 week to live."
So the man took the first flight he could to Sidney, rented a car and drove to Mercey, Australia. When he got there he found it was a town with a population of one. The man walked up to the one house in the village and an old doctor answered.
"You have to help me!" said the man,"I'm dying of this rare illness and I have only 4 days to live"
So the old man invited him in. "I must give you my special Koala bear Tea. It is the only thing that will cure you."
So the old man went out to get the supplies. One koala, a few birds and such, and he boiled them together and gave them to the man with bones and feathers and dirt sticking up. and the young man looked at it repulsed and asked if it could be strained. The old docter looked horrified and said,
"Oh No, the Koala Tea of Mercy is never strained"
His eyes bulged and he got headaches. The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what you've got, but it could be serious, so why don't you go to this specialist I know."
So the man went to the specialist and told him, "Hey, my eyes bulge and I get these headaches. What's wrong?"
The specialist said, "Look you have this rare sickness. It's always fatal. I'm sorry, but you have only months to live. There's only one treatment to prolong your life: immediate castration. I'm sorry."
Well this is a shock, but he goes for it. Later, he is out buying some new shirts, and tells the salesman, "I take 15-33 shirts. Got some nice cream colors?"
Salesman says, "Naw, big guy like you, he takes maybe a 16, 16-1/2."
"No, I take 15 collars. Gimme 15 inches."
"OK, You've got them if you want, but lemme tell you, you're about my size in the arms and shoulders, if I try tto wear 15 inch collars, I get headaches and my eyes bulge out....."
A Russian, an American, an English Canadian, and a French Canadian go camping together. One night they are sitting around the campfire talking about their countries.
The Russian grabs a case of vodka, tosses it in the fire and shouts, "Russia has such an abundance of vodka that I can toss away a case without a thought".
The American takes a wad of $100 bills from his backpack, tosses it in the fire and yells, "America has such an abundance of money that we can afford to burn cash for warmth".
The English Canadian grabs the French Canadian and tosses him on the fire.
Of course there's Mel Fami, famous pitcher for the Yankees. Every game he pitched was a no hitter. Every game he didn't pitch they lost. Went to the series, 7th game, 9th inning, 0 - 0. Mel was nervous and for the first time in his life he took a drink of a beer. Got so drunk, he walked the next five batters, and lost the game. The manager of the other team picked up the can of beer and said, "This is the beer that made Mel Fami walk us."
Reminds me of the guy who was out fishing all day, and frustrated with only catching one fish, took the fish to bed with him. His wife came to bed and wanted to make love. "Not tonight", the fisherman replied, "I have a haddock."
This new guy in town was visiting a local pub when he noticed a strange looking machine next to the bar. The bartender told him it is a piss analysis machine. The new guy wanted to try it out. He pissed in the machine and threw in a loonie. 10 seconds later, the machine spat out a card that says "You need glasses".
"This is bullshit! How can the machine tell if I need glasses from my piss?"
He decided to give it another try. So he went home, collected piss from his wife, his daughter and his dog and mixed it all up. Then, he added couple drops of Quaker State from his car and finally, as good measure, he jerked off into the brine.
The next day, he went back to the pub. He poured the solution into the machine and inserted anotehr loonie. This time, the machine struggled and took almost 5 minutes to come up with an answer.
"Your dog has flees, you wife is dating a Latin lover, your daughter is pregnant by a Haitian drug user, your car is about to blow up and if you don't stop jerking off, you'll go blind."
Must tell you about my uncle Bill who went to Hollywood to get a job in the movies.
Bill finally got his big break and was chosen to play a part in a western. When casting interviewed him they asked "which part do you think you are best suited for?"
Of course uncle Bill replied "Just give me a small bit and a steer to star by!"
There was this guy who picked up this chick at a dance. After they danced, the guy said "I'd take you to my house, but my parents are home."
The woman replied "I'd let you go to my house, except my BOYFRIEND is there!"
The dude suggested that they go to his van instead. The chick agreed and they went to the van; they both took off their clothes, and at the point where the man was about to enter her, the woman exclaimed "What, no foreplay?! How about going outside and look for a stick, and you could beat me with it!"
So the man went outside, but couldn't find any sticks. So instead he busted the aerial off his van, and the guy and girl beat each other on the back and they had a gay old time. The next morning, however, the man was feeling aweful sore on the back.
He went to his doctor, who exclaimed: "This is the worst case of Van-Aerial disease I've ever seen!"
There was once a little land, where there lived a little peaceful race of people called the Trids. Everything was OK until a huge giant settled in their land. And if that wasn't bad enough, whenever the giant came upon a Trid, he would kick him as hard as he could!
Well, the Trids finally had had enough! Being very religious, they went to see their local Rabbi. Rabbi,they exclaimed!, the giant keeps kicking us, please help! So the Rabbi went over to the giant's cave and hollered "come out here; and explain why you keep kicking the poor little Trids!"
The giant stuck his massive head out of the cave entrance and said: Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!!!!!!!!
After the recent shuffle, Brian decided to take his cabinet for lunch.
The waiter took his order.
Waiter: What would you like for lunch, sir?
PM: I'll have the haddock.
Waiter: And for the vegetables, sir?
PM: Uhhhhhh. They'll have the same.
....Then there was the hopeless case that Sherlock Holmes solved through the use of brilliant deduction....
Watson asks, " Tell me dear Sherlock, what school did you last attend?"
"Elementary my dear Watson, Elementary."
A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, I'd like to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary -unusual.
The pet shop owner replied, well,I have one Rairy-bird left...
The man said, I've never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that certainly makes it unusual!, I'll take it!
So the man brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it had a huge appetite! It was always hungry!! Finally,the Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn't fit inside the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to himself: I've got to get rid of this animal-I can't afford to feed it! So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird into the back, and drove to the edge of a high cliff. He then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the cliff!! Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming from the back of the dump- truck:
"It's a long long way to tip-a-Rairy!!
My old friend Roy Rodgers once got himself a brand new pair of cowboy boots. They were beautiful!! Out on the plains camping once, a huge mountain lion crept into Roy's camp and chewed up Roy's new cowboy boots! Roy was furious, and decided to never rest until he had revenged himself upon the ornery mountain lion! Finally he had the critter in the sights of his rifle! Bang!!-one dead mountain lion!
Heading back into town with the dead animal slung across his horse, a friend approached him and sang: Pardon me Roy, But is that the cat That chewed your new shoes?
Ma and Pa always made a nice ritual out of dinner - Ma brought out her freshly baked loaves of home-made bread, and Pa would carefully carve them into regular, even slices. Every night, the family would sit around the table nodding with approval as Pa displayed his skill with the knife, barely leaving a crumb as he divided up the loaves. As the years went by, the kids would all chip in and buy Pa a new knife every few Christmases. Each time, they got him a larger, sharper, better knife. Pa could put a couple of loaves side-by-side and with one pass of his knife, create several even slices of Ma's bread. Finally, one Christmas, the kids really outdid themselves. They got Pa such a fine knife that tears sprang to his eyes as he opened the package.
Holding it aloft, he reverently exclaimed, "I never thought that I'd own a four-loaf cleaver!"
Once there was a Russian who had a pen-pal who lived in Africa. They had written each other letters for about 2 years, when the African sent a letter to his Russian friend announcing his plans to come to Russia and visit him. The Russian, who always wanted to meet his African friend, prepared a tour for his friend.
After meeting him at the airport, the Russian took the African on a tour of Moscow.
When they approached Red Square, the African saw a circle of men standing around passing something around, and asked "What's going on down there?".
The Russian said "That's our national game of Russian Roulette".
The African asked "How is it played?"
The Russian said "Well, let's go watch them..."
They went down and watched as each Russian in turn took a six-shooter from his neighbor, spun the cylinder, placed the muzzle to his head, and pulled the trigger.
The African said "What's the game about?"
The Russian explained "One of the chambers is loaded. If you land on the loaded chamber, you are dead."
The African says "Interesting.... Simple, yet elegant. I like it..."
As the African was about to leave for home, they made plans for the Russian to visit his African friend in his home village.
"Remember that neat game you showed me called Russian Roulette? We have invented our own version, called African Roulette..."
The Russian asked "How is it different?"
The African says "Well, let's go watch and I'll show you."
They go to the center of the village and find the following scene: In the center of the village, there are 20 naked men walking around a circle. Inside the circle, there are 20 naked women. An old man to the side is beating on a drum.
The Russian says "OK, what's going to happen now?"
The African replies "See the man with the drum? When he quits beating it, each man get's a blowjob from the woman in front of him..."
The Russian says "Where's the fun of that?!?"
The African replies slyly "One of the girls is a Cannibal!!!"
Uncle Bill was finding the money in the movie business rather poor. Unless you were a big star minimum wage was the best you could expect. As Bill was having trouble making ends meet he decided to take on a second job. After some searching he got a job out in the San Joaquin valley guarding fields of cantalopes and casabas. Bill was issued an old double barrel shotgun and shells loaded with rock salt. His job was to protect the fruit from thieves who would sneak in during the dark of night.
The first few nights were very difficult. Uncle Bill had a terrible time staying awake all night, then going to his daytime acting job. At last Bill came up with a solution. He would get a dog to help him guard the fields. After much looking Bill found a suitable animal. It was one of the long haired breed known for its great intelligence. In memory of one of the dogs more famous relatives Bill named his new pet Lassie. Guard duties became much easier. Lassie would stand watch while her master caught a few winks.
Unfortunately one dark evening a stray dog came into the cantalope field. While Bill was sleeping Lassie took time out for a romantic interlude. In a due span of time Lassie gave birth to a single cute little puppy. Bill was delighted, he now had two dogs to help with guard duties. He became very attached to the little pup, and often refered to it as his "melon collie baby".
Husband and wife were enjoying some horizontal recreation. Husband stopped and asked wife. "Did I hurt you?" She replied. "No, why?" He responded, "You moved!"
It was the 8th annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
Turning to another male mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that mouse, aren't they sexy?'
"Just fair," was the answer.
"You crazy," said the first mouse and then turned to another, asked his opinion.
"They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited about."
"Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse.
"Now you," he said to the fourth mouse, what do you think of them?"
"To tell the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs, I'm a titmouse myself."
A young couple got married and after all the festivities the new groom made one request of his new wife. He told her he wanted to designate a drawer in his bureau to be his PRIVATE DOMAIN. She was to respect his privacy and never venture into this sacred place of his. Well she was agreeable to this and went on to live a long and happy life together.
After about 45 years of this marital bliss the husband became seriously ill, hospitalized, and not expected to survive long. The wife sitting at home, waiting to go for a visit, decided this may be her last opportunity to unlock the secret of his private door so he opened it up. Inside she found 3 golf balls and 5000 dollars in cash.
Later at the hospital she confessed to her dying husband of her curiosty and asked him to explain the contents. Well, he said, whenever I cheated on you I put a golfball in the drawer. She thought about that for a minute and figured considering they had 45 happy years, she could forgive 3 indescretions. She then asked of the 5000 dollars. Oh that, he said, every time I got a dozen balls I sold them.
Two neighbors were discussing gardening one afternoon. The lady from next door remarked, "My but you have such a nice blush on your tomatoes, how do you do it?"
The gentleman farmer replied, "Oh, its easy. Every morning before I get dressed, I walk out to my garden in my bathrobe and flash them. You should give that a try."
A few weeks later the two neighbors were again talking about gardening, when the man asked, "By the way, how are your tomatoes doing? Do they have a nice blush yet?"
"No," answered the woman, "they are the same as before. But now my cucumbers are a foot long!"
There were two young brothers, Ted age 10 and Roy age 8. For days they had been contemplating where they were going to be sent for their annual summer camp. Well Ted says "My instinct tells me we are going to be sent back to camp Tomahawk again this year." Roy looks at him with a weird glint in his eye and says "Well my end stinks too but it don't tell me nuttin."
Or the gal who wanted a unique pet for a gift for her husband, and bought the Crunch-Bird that the pet store clerk recommended.
Why? Well, the clerk had demonstrated.... "Crunch-Bird - CHAIR!"
Whereupon the Crunch Bird reduced the chair to sawdust with his powerful beak.
Then, "Crunch Bird, Table!" Another pile of dust, so she bought it on the spot.
Well, the guy had had a terrible day at work and was in a lousy mood.
His wife greeted him at the door and said, "Honey, look what I bought for you today! A Crunch Bird."
To which the grump replied, "Crunch Bird, my ass! Gimme a beer!"
We the willing,
Led by the unknowing,
Are doing the impossible,
For the ungrateful.
And have done so much
With so little
For so long,
That we are now capable of doing anything
Did you hear what Quayle said when the reporters asked him about the resignation of Justice Brennan? "That's too darn bad. I always liked the guy, even before he was on the Court. I just keep hoping they'll start rerunning "The Real McCoys" on cable -- Brennan's best work, for my money."
Guide: "This castle has stood here for 600 years. Not a stone has been touched; nothing altered, nothing replaced."
Visitor: "They got the same landlord I got."
Don't ignore the panhandler who asks you for a dime for a cup of coffee. Give it to him. Then follow him and find out where they still sell coffee for a dime.
A highly competitive foursome was going around the golf course on a sweltering summer day. One of the group had a sun stroke -- and the others made him count it.
The nurse was calling on her home-care patient, who was hard of hearing, among other things. Looking at him, she exclaimed, "You have a suppository in your ear!"
"Ahiah?" said the man as he cupped his ear.
"You got a suppository in your ear."
"Ahiah. Gotta speak louder."
After another try, the nurse pulled the suppository out of her patient's ear and, pointing to it,
said, "You had a suppository in your ear."
"Jeez," said the man, looking at the suppository. "Now I know where I put my hearing aid."
"Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."
A famous lawyer died and, unexpectedly, showed up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened the lawyer saw a banner which welcomed him, the first 457 year old man. The lawyer was confused. He said to St. Peter "I don't understand. When I died, I was 63 years old, not 457." St. Peter was now confused, and said "Why, you must be 457 years old. We added up all the hours you billed your clients, so you've got to be 457!"
Three good ol' boy lawyers were driving the rural backroads in their pickup truck one day, when they came across a huge hog ranch. They noticed that one of the hogs had evidently escaped, but then tried to get back through the fence and was stuck firmly, head inside the fence and hind quarters out. The pig was wiggling furiously.
One of the lawyers said "I wish that pig was Dolly Parton!"
The second lawyer said "I wish that pig was Racquel Welch!"
The third lawyer said "I just wish it was dark!"
Well, I tried it. To improve my health and the quality of my life, I gave up booze, sex, rich foods, and late-night parties. It was the toughest ten minutes of my life.
What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 laywer, and you had a gun with only two bullets? Shoot the lawyer twice.
Ok, this big, ugly, mean looking cowboy walks into the bar with this great big snapping turtle on his shoulder. He stomps up to the bar and drinks three or four shots of red-eye, then says: "I'm the meanest, ugliest cowboy in this whole county!"
Some guys at the bar chuckle.
"Ya don't believe me, huh? Well, I'll show ya all just how mean I am!!!"
And the cowboy unzips his pants, drags out his rod, picks up the snapping turtle and slaps it in the head a few times, then puts the raucus reptile down at his waist. You guessed it, the turtle clamps down on his maleness, and the cowboy walks up and down the bar with this turtle hanging from his sack. When the cowboy gets to the other side of the bar, he pokes the turtle in the eyes, and the turtle lets go.
The cowboy zips up his pants, and says: "OK - any of you milk drinking wimps want to try that???"
Someone in the back of the bar says. "OK - but only if you promise not to poke me in the eyes..."
A banker, an engineer and a lawyer were driving down a road when suddenly, their car broke down. Seeing a farm house near by, they decided to stop by and ask if they could sleep over night while their car was being repaired.
"Sure", replied the farmer, "...but I only have two spare beds - one of you will have to sleep in the barn."
The engineer decided that he would sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the bedroom door.
"I can't sleep in the barn - there is a cow in the barn and I am Hindu."
So, the banker agreed to sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door:
"I can't sleep in the barn - there is a pig in the barn, and I am Jewish."
The lawyer said "I know what you're up to, but I'll go", and so the lawyer went out the barn.
Sure enough, ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door - the cow and the pig.
This guy has the urge, and he isn't interested in a right handed honeymoon. So he gathers up all his money ($18.00) and goes down to the whore house. The madam asks how much money he has - he says "$18.00!!!" but is disappointed to learn that all the girls are busy, and usually won't even LOOK at you unless you have $50.00.
"But" says the madam "old Hildegard may take you for $18.00..."
The john says "OK - I'm desperate - send her in!"
So the john goes into the room and strips. There comes a feeble knock at the door, and in steps old Hildegard: a decrepit, wrinkled, smelly old woman with a hump in her back.
"Gawd" the john says - I can't do it to YOU!
The old woman says - relax, how much money do you have - "$18.00, why?" - alright I'll take you, but I can't do it like I used to ... you'll have to do it here - ...and she pops out her glass eye.
Suddenly, the john is overcome with second thoughts - "I can't do it THERE!" Alas, the john was just tooo horny to say no. So he did it - RIGHT THERE IN THE OLD EYE SOCKET! and you know what? IT WAS THE BEST HE HAD EVER HAD!!!
So after he's done, he asks the old woman if he can come back next week and maybe have some of the same...
The old woman says "...bring your $18.00 -- I'll keep an eye out for you!"
A man called his doctor and told him he had a problem with his wife - she has a bowel movement at seven o'clock every morning. "That's perfectly normal," the doctor said.
"But we don't get out of bed until nine!"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of profesional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
Last summer a doctor and his family were at the beach having a good time. All of a sudden the doctor spotted a dorsal fin sticking out of the water and fainted. When he came to, his wife said, "You have to be less paranoid, dear. That was only a shark. Stop imagining that there are lawyers every where."
The doctor wanted to write a prescription, so he reached in his pocket and pulled out a thermometer. "Shit," he muttered, "Some asshole has my pen."
A man with an exceptionally long penis goes to a surgeon and asks him to cut off a part of it, saying, "Please Doc, you gotta do it. Every time I hiccup on the toilet, it siphons all the water out of the bowl."
There are three rules that men over 80 MUST remember:
1) Never waste a boner even if you are alone.
2) Take a piss every chance you get.
3) And never, ever, trust a fart.
One night a guy got to the ballpark late. He saw three old ladies in the stands passed out with an empty bottle of booze beside them. Right away, he knew the status of the game: It was the bottom of the fifth and the bags were loaded.
"Doc," said the cannibal to the witch doctor, "I have terrible heartburn."
"What have you been eating?" said the witch doctor.
"Alot of missionaries with hooded robes and bald heads," said the cannibal.
"How do you cook them?" inquired the witch doctor.
"I boil them in a big iron pot," said the head hunter.
"You idiot!" screamed the witch doctor. "Those aren't boilers they're friars!"
An avid Dallas Cowboys fan took his dog to a sports bar one Sunday afternoon to watch the game. The bartender reluctantly let the dog in, and the pooch sat quietly as the game progressed. When the Cowboys got a field goal, the dog went crazy barking, running in circles and doing back flips.
"What does he do when they score a touchdown?" the amazed bartender asked.
"I don't know," replied the owner. "I've only had him for two years."
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Parking in the driveway after their first date, Steve leaned over and gave Wendy a wet, passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly and pulled her hand to his wang. Furious, Wendy opened the car door and jumped out.
"I've got just two words to say to you," she screamed, "DROP DEAD!" "
And I've got just two words to say to you," Steve screamed back. "LET GO!"
Last summer a doctor and his family were at the beach having a good time. All of a sudden the doctor spotted a dorsal fin sticking out of the water and fainted. When he came to, his wife said, "You have to be less paranoid, dear. That was only a shark. Stop imagining that there are lawyers every where."
A friend of mine drives to work on a long stretch of country road. One morning, as she was driving to work, she hit a bunny rabbit crossing the road. She immediately stopped to render aid to the bunny. The bunny was not dead, only mildly stunned. Being the not so bright person that she is, she decided that she might be able to spray perfume on the rabbit to stun him back into shape.
She rummaged through her purse to get the perfume and sprayed it on the rabbit. Immediately the bunny jumped up on its hind legs and began to wave its front paw. Satisfied that the bunny was okay, she drove on to work. That afternoon, on the way home, she noticed the rabbit was still waving. She shrugged and continued home.
The next morning, the rabbit was still there, waving. The experience was repeated the next morning and evening. By that time she was quite puzzled and decided that she should look in her purse to see exactly what it was that she had sprayed on the rabbit. She took the bottle out of her purse and on the label it read ... "PERMANENT WAVE FOR DAMAGED HAIR"
Have you heard about the longmarried man who found sex more enjoyable if lay on his right side? It was the only position in which he could see thetelevision ...
Did you hear that Marilyn Quayle does drugs? Yep, every once in awhile she blows a little dope ...
Teacher: Ernest! Why are you late to class again?
Dirty Ernie: Sorry Miss, I've been down at the creek sticking cherry bombs up frogs' asses ...
Teacher: Rectum, Johnny, Rectum ...
Dirty Ernie: Wrecked'em? Hell, I blew'em to fuckin' pieces!
Two black guys pass each other on the street one morning. The first one says, "Yo, mo'fucker!" The other one answers, "Mornin' Reverend."
She's so fat, she's going to collapse into a black hole ...
Once upon a time there was a snake and a rabbit that bumped into each other in the woods. Both were blind. The snake started feeling the rabbit's fur and said, "You are nice and soft, so you must be a rabbit." Then the rabbit started feeling the snake and said, "And you are cold and slithery. You must be a lawyer."
Once upon a time, a tomb was found in Egypt.
First a team of British archeologists went in; they came out after a week and announced, "This tomb is over 3000 years old. It is the tomb of a pharoh, but we do not know which one."
Next an American team went in for two weeks and they reported much the same; they too could not determine which pharoh it was.
Finally a Soviet team went in. After 20 minutes they came out and announced, "This is the tomb of Ramses XXI!"
The others were astonished and asked the Soviets, "How could you tell which pharoh it was?"
The Soviets answered, "That was easy, he confessed."
Before 'perestroika' an American and a Soviet were talking about freedom in their coutries. "In the United States," said the American, "you can go right up to the White House gate and yell, 'The President is an idiot,' and no one will do anything to you." The Soviet answered, "We also have freedom of speech. In Soviet Union you can go right up to Kremlin wall and yell, 'American President is idiot,' and no one will do anything to you."
You: "I read a poll the other day that half of all people masturbate in the shower, and the other half sings. Do you know what they sing?"
Standard Answer: "I don't know."
The Englishman coach, in front of a stadiumfull of loyal fans at College Station, asked a top academic player to demonstrate his prowess. "Tell our fans what 8 plus 1 equals," said the coach. The Englishman player scratched his head, "ummed" and "uhhed", and said "Nine." Seventy thousand Aggie fans sat stunned for a minute. Then, in unison, the grandstand called out, "Try again!"
An aggie went into a public restroom stall, and
Little Johnny and the other boys his age were hearing quite a bit about dating from the older boys, and wondering what it was all about and how it was done. One day, Johnny decided to take these questions to his mother who became quite flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. The next morning Johnny explained *EVERYTHING* to his mother:
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights and they started to hug and kiss. I figured sis must have been getting sick, because she started looking funny. Her boyfriend must have thought so too, because he put his hand up her shirt to find her heart, just like a doctor would except he is not as smart as a doctor, because he had trouble finding her heart.
"I guessed that her boyfriend must have been getting sick too, because pretty soon they were both panting and out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it up her skirt. About this time, she got worse; she began to moan, squirm around and slide down towards the end of the couch. I knew she had a fever because she said she was feeling hot.
"Then I found out what was making them so sick a big eel had gotten into her boyfriend's pants. It jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got scared, and her mouth fell open to call God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest she had ever seen. I thought I should tell them about the ones down at the lake ...
"All of a sudden, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's head off. But it must have bit her back back because, after a few minutes, she started making noises. So, she grabbed it tight with both hands while her boyfriend put a muzzle on it to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so that she could put a scissorlock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel.
"The eel put up one hell of a fight. Sis started to moan and scream. I guess that they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while both quit moving and gave out a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough, they killed it. I knew it was dead because it just hung limp there and some of it's insides were hanging out.
"Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the battle, but they went at it again. They started to kiss and hug again. I guess that eels are like cats, with nine lives or something, because the eel got up and started to fight again. This time sis tried to kill it by sitting on it. They finally killed it I knew it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel it's skin off and flushed it down the toilet."
Guy walks into a bar and sets an alligator on the bar. He bets the bartender a free drink that he could open the alligator's mouth, stick his dick in and count to ten very slowly.
The bartender said, "Yeah, I'll take that bet."
So, the guy unzipped his pants, pulled out his dick, layed it in the gator's mouth and counted to ten.
The bartender was astounded, "I can't believe that! Hell, if there is anyone else in the bar who will do that, I'll buy them a drink too."
Whereupon a little guy in the back said, "I'll do it, but I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."
In the upper class, AIDS is spread primarily through the unprotected exchange of Grey Poupon between consenting limousines ...
One day, a lady visited her doctor for a physical exam. While the doctor was examining her, she sneezed. Her eyes rolled up into her head; she started shaking and jerking violently.
After she returned to normal, the doctor said, "What happened to you?"
She said, "Oh, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The doctor asked her, "Are you taking anything for it?"
The lady replied, "Yes. Ragweed."
One day a rich woman, dressed to the teeth, was forced to use the public bus when her chauffeur became ill. She sat next to an old Italian lady. After a few moments of obvious sniffing, the old lady said, "Hey lady, you smell good! What's that smell?"
The rich lady haughtily answered, "I'll have you know that's 'Joy' $95 an ounce."
A few moments passed and the italian lady let out a long, gurgling, smelly fart. The rich woman recoiled in horror and gasped, "What's that smell!?"
The Italian lady answered, "I'll have you know that's broccoli 79 cents a bunch."
Last year a group of Libyan terrorists hijacked a planeload of lawyers. They said that they'd release one every hour unless their demands were met.
Having just received a great promotion, John was excited about his new position, new status and new office. He was checking through the desk vacated by his predecessor when he came upon a letter, attached to three envelopes, made out to him. The letter told him that if he got into trouble he should open the first envelope. "Make sure you open them in order and only if there is a real emergency," warned the letter.
John laughed but filed the envelopes away. Sure enough, within a month he felt the heat and decided to give envelope number one a chance. He opened it and it said, "Blame your predecessor!" So John went to his boss and told him how the bum he had replaced had messed things up and that it would take him time to get things back on track. And, with hard work, he did get the problems resolved.
Everything went fine for several more months before, once again, all hell broke loose. In desperation, John opened the second letter. It advised him to "Reorganize!" So John went to his boss and told him the solution would mean a drastic reorganization. After this was done relative calm prevailed.
But the day inevitably came when another disaster struck. With trembling hands, John opened the third, and final, envelope. The advice? "Make up three more envelopes!"
An American, traveling on a train in Europe, met a Cuban tobacco grower, a Russian vodka distiller and a lawyer. While they were talking business, the Cuban took out four cigars and passed them around. After lighting his own cigar, the Cuban took one drag and then threw it out the window, explaining that cigars were of no consequence in his country since there was such an abundance of them. After dinner, the Russian passed out bottles of vodka. After taking just one swig, he threw the bottle out the window, explaining that vodka was of no consequence since, in Russia, it was so plentiful. The American businessman sat in quiet contemplation for several minutes then arose and threw the lawyer out the window.
Once upon a time, an elephant was walking through the jungle. Unfortunately, he walked right into a pool of quicksand. He panicked, and started thrashing all around and yelling for help. Well, as great luck would have it, a monkey was nearby. The monkey heard all the commotion, so he came over. "Elephant!" said the monkey, "Don't thrash about so; you'll float if you just stay still. I'll go get help to get you out." The elephant thought, "Now what is a little monkey going to do for me?" But he laid still and, sure enough, he stopped sinking into the quicksand. After awhile, the monkey came back in a BMW. He took a vine off a tree, tied it to the BMW's bumper, and gave the end to the elephant. With that, he pulled the elephant out of the quicksand and saved his life!
Some time later, the monkey was swinging through the tree when his grip on the vine slipped, and he fell right into some quicksand. He too panicked, and started yelling and thrashing. Just as you'd know it, the elephant was walking nearby, and heard the commotion. "Monkey, monkey!" cried the elephant, "Don't flail around. Lie still, and I'll find a way to save you." The monkey laid still and stopped sinking into the quicksand. The elephant noted that the quicksand pool wasn't very wide. "Monkey, the quicksand isn't very wide. I'll just straddle it. You reach up and grab ahold of me, and I'll pull you out!" The monkey did as he was told, and his life was saved. The moral of the story is this: If your dick's big enough, you don't need a BMW!
Bob lost his dick in a horrible traffic accident. Fully recovered except for the use of "Mr. Happy," late one night he was watching TV. During the commercial break an ad came on for "Doctor Smith's Miracle Penis Replacement Clinic."
The next day, Bob rushed to the clinic. "Doctor," he begged, "I need to get a new dick." The doctor informed Bob that the demand for newer, bigger and better dicks was so great that all he had left were baby elephant trunks. But Bob was desperate, he didn't hesitate to undergo the experimental surgery.
Six months later, fully healed and rehabilitated, Bob finally had the confidence to ask a lady out to dinner. As they were eating dinner, this thing came out from under the table, grabbed a biscuit, and darted back underneath the table.
The girl saw this and thought to herself, "If that happens again, I'm going to have to say something."
A few minutes later the thing came out from under the table and grabbed another biscuit, so the lady said, "Bob, I don't know what that is, but if it keeps taking my food, I'm calling a cab!"
Bob replied, "You're mad? Hell, it keeps stuffing the biscuits up my ass!"
One day a enviromentalist went to a greengrocers and began anxiously looking over the produce. "Can I help you madam?" asked the shopkeeper. "Yes, I was looking for some fruit," replied the enviromentalist, "Have these oranges been treated with any poisonous fertilizers or weedkillers?" "No, sorry, but you'll have to get that from the chemist's."
Late one night, an 80 year old man was about to make love to his beautiful, young girlfriend. The petite nymphet noticed that the old man was wearing a condom: "You don't have to wear that," said the young girl. "I'm on the pill." "You don't understand," said the old man. "Dampness irritates my arthritis."
A female elephant was having an awful time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting her near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it. She kept swinging her trunk, but the fly was far out of reach. A monkey observed this and suddenly swung down and slapped the horsefly flat.
"Oh, thank you! That was such a relief," said the elephant. "My pleasure, ma'am," said the monkey. "Listen, Mr. Monkey, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask." The monkey hesitated. "Well, ma'am ..." he said. "What is it? You needn't be shy with me." "Well, the truth is that all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant."
"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!" So the monkey swung around behind the elephant and began to fuck away. Up above them, a baboon was peeping from a cocnut tree and began to get very excited; he started to beat off. In his excitement the baboon shook a coconut loose. The coco nut fell from the tree, hitting the elephant smack on the head. "REeeee OOOHH!" the elephant trumpeted in pain. At which point, the monkey looked over from behind the elephant and asked, "Am I hurting you, dear?"
One Sunday, a lady went to a priest to confess. She said, "Father, I went out with a boy last night and he took off my blouse and my bra." The priest took off her blouse and bra and said, "Like this?" "Yes, that dirty bastard!" replied the girl. "Child, don't say things like that!" exclaimed the priest.
Girl: "Then he touched my breasts!"
Priest (touching breasts): "Like this?"
Girl: "Yes, that dirty bastard!"
Priest: "Child! I said not to say that!"
Girl: "Then he took off my skirt and panties."
Priest (removing the items): "Like this?"
Girl: "Yes, that dirty bastard!"
Priest: "Child, please!"
Girl: "Then he put it in me!"
Priest (putting it in her): "Like this?"
Girl: "Yes, that dirty bastard!"
Priest (eyes cast skyward): "Lord forgive her ..."
Girl: "Then he gave me V.D!"
Priest: "That dirty bastard!!!"
Did you hear about the guy who had his whole left side cut off! Don't worry; he's all right ...
The tent revival was in its fifth long night, and religious fervor was at a peak when the normally taciturn Farmer John jumped up and ran down the aisle, sobbing and with tears streaming down his face. The preacher met him with outstretched hand and John bawled,
"Preacher, I been a sinner!"
"Tell it all, John!" hollered the preacher, to the congregation's delight.
"I been doin' terrible things, Preacher," said John, and the congregation AMENed loudly.
"Drinkin' and everything ... I even cheated on my taxes!"
"Tell it all, John!" the preacher bellowed even louder, gripping the penitent John about the shoulders.
With the congregation providing loud vocal support, John continued to recite his sins.
"I been having ... you know, sex fantasies," he said, and the congregation swooned
with a loud AMEN, and the preacher hoarsely repeated his demand.
Emboldened, John went on, "... and I been visitin' the cathouse over in Hog Holler..."
And with each revelation, the murmuring excitement of the crowd got louder, and the preacher's exhortations grew more insistent that John `tell it all!' Caught up in the frenzy, and the approval of his audience, John hollered, "... and I been screwin' my mule!"
There was instant and absolute silence in the tent. No one even coughed, as John blinked and looked about in bewilderment.
The preacher leaned close to the confessor's ear and whispered, "Damn if I'da tol' that, John ..."
A young boy came home from school one day and told his mother that he began a sex education class that day.
His mother hit the ceiling and said, "There's gonna be no sex education as long as you live in this house. Get upstairs and stay there until your father comes home!"
So, the boy went up to his room. Later, the old man came home and asked, "Where's the boy?"
His wife replied, "I'm punishing him up in his room. He says he started taking a class in sex education class in school today."
Enraged, the father stormed up the stairs and burst into the boy's room where the boy was lying on the bed masturbating.
The father said, "Listen you, when you're finished with your homework I want to talk to you!"
One night, the Queen of England was giving a state dinner for the president. After enjoying a rich and sumptuous meal, and during the after dinner chit chat, the president accidently let loose a terrific fart that shook the chandeliers. He started turning red, and cautiously looked around hoping nobody had noticed the stagnant oder of romano cheese in the air.
Unfortunately, the Queen did. She frowned and said, "One never farts before the Queen!"
The president said, "I'm sorry your majesty, I didn't know it was your turn ..."
During the last recession a banker was going to committ suicide by jumping off a bridge. As he leaned on the guardrail, he heard a far away voice saying, "Doooon't juuuump!" He looked around, but saw no one, so he climbed up on the edge of the bridge and prepared to dive. Again he heard the voice "Doooon't juuuump!" This time he looked down and saw, hidden in the shadow of the underpass, an incredibly old, and scaggly woman.
"Why not?" he yelled. "I'm in ruin: My company's bankrupt, my wife has left me, my daughter's a groupie ..." he rambled on for some thirty minutes.
"Sonny, you shouldn't be thinking about suicide," she yelled back. "Whatever your problem, I can solve it for you. You see, I'm a witch. All you have to do is eat me and I'll solve all your problems!"
The thought of eating the old hag was revolting, but the banker figured he had nothing to lose, so he climbed down off the bridge and made his way down the offramp and ran quickly to the witch. He threw her down, tore off her rags, and proceeded to give her a thorough tongue lashing. After a few moments of this, the old hag began to shake and quiver. The banker noticed that she was convulsed with laughter.
He said, "What are you laughing at?"
She answered, "Sonny, aren't you a bit old to be believing in witches?"
One night in Londonderry, an Irishman and an Englishman parked their cars sidebyside in a pub parking lot. The Irishman had a rusted out 1954 Morris 1000; the Englishman, a new RollsRoyce.
The Irishman, in drunken awe asked, "Shore and t'ats a mighty finelookin' motor car you aff, sor. If you please, whot does a man aff to do to 'et a car like that?" The Englishman snootily replied, "I work for Cunard." Slurred the Irishman, "I wohk fohkin' `ard, too!"
Did you hear about the irish lesbian? She liked men ..
Late one scorching day in old New Mexico, the Lone Ranger rode up to a bar, dismounted and tied up Silver. He was sitting at the bar, enjoying a well earned drink, when his faithful sidekick ran in.
"I think Silver is over heated," Tonto exclaimed. "What should I do?"
"Well, go out and stir up a good breeze by running circles around him," the Lone Ranger calmly replied.
A few drinks later, a stranger approached the Lone Ranger:
"Does that big, white horse out there belong to you?"
"Yes, why?" said the Lone Ranger.
"Wehl," drawled the cowboy, "yuh left the injun runnin'."
There once was a bird who hated saying 'goodbye' so much, he waited until the last minute to fly south for the winter. When he finally did leave, it was so cold that his wings iced up and he fell to the ground on a nearby farm. He was cold and very depressed and thought he was going to die then and there. After awhile, a cow wandered by and shit on the bird. The bird he was becomming warm, and could move around, so he began to sing. A nearby cat heard the singing, and dug the bird from inside the pile of shit, and ate him. There are exactly three morals to this story:
(1) Not everybody who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everybody who takes shit off you is your friend.
(3) When you are in something warm and wonderful, keep your big mouth SHUT !!!
A scientist, after years of failed attempts, finally made a clone of him self. The clone was exactly like him; it liked the same foods, read the same books, liked the same T.V. shows, etc. The one difference was that the clone was terribly obscene. Every other word it uttered was an obscenity.
The scientist quickly grew tired of this, because it created embarrassing situations everywhere they went. So, the scientist took the clone up to the top of a cliff and pushed it off. Unfortunately, though, a policeman saw him do this, and the policeman rushed up to him and said, "You're under arrest for murder!"
"But it wasn't a person I just pushed off the cliff. It was just a clone," replied the scientist.
"Well," the policeman said, "you're still under arrest for making an obscene clone fall."
The telephone company put out a tender for the installation of telephone poles. Three groups applied. A group of Irish, a group of jews, and a group of italians. Since there are three groups, the telephone company decided to run a contest between them to see which one could install the most telephone poles in an eight hour day. All three groups went out and, in the evening, came back to report.
"How many telephone poles did you install?" the telephone executive asked the jews.
"Oh, we installed 27 today," they said.
"Very good," the executive said.
"How many telephone poles did you install?" the executive asked the italians.
"Oh, we installed 24 today," they said. "Good, but not as good as the jews," said the executive.
"How many telephone poles did you install?" the executive asked the Irish.
"Oh, we installed five today," an Irishman said proudly.
"I don't understand this," the executive said, "The jews installed 27, and the italians 24. How is it that you only installed five?!"
"Well sir," the irishman continued, "look at how much of the telephone poles they left above the ground."
Two Irishmen got lost while hunting in the woods. One turned to the other and said, "Grandpa always said that if you are lost, you should fire three shots in the air. It's a distress signal, and someone will come to rescue."
So the second irishman fired three shots. They waited for awhile, and when no one came the first irishman told his friend, "Fire three more shots."
Again no one came. Again, the first irishman told his friend, "Fire three more shots."
The second irishman replied, "I can't. I ain't got no more arrows."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Irishman were stranded on a desert island when an ancient ruby and emerald studded bottle washed up on the beach. They found the bottle and removed the cork, and WHOOSH! a genie flew out of the bottle, and agreed to give them each one wish as a token of 'thanks' for releasing him.
The Englishman thought a moment and said "I wish I were back in England." WHOOSH! the Englishman vanished from the island and was returned to England.
The Frenchman though a moment and said "I wish I were back in France." WHOOSH! the Frenchman vanished from the island and was returned to France.
The Irishman thought for a moment and said "Gee I'm gonna miss those guys. I wish they were back ..."
A Baptist minister and a Jewish rabbi were seated next to one another in the first class section of an airplane. The stewardess approached them and asked what they wanted to drink.
"I'll have a martini," said the rabbi.
"How about you, sir?" the stewardess asked the minister.
"You should ask me, a man of God, that my lips should touch alcohol? Why, I'd sooner commit adultry!" The minister said indignantly.
The rabbi waved at the stewardess, "Hold the martini! I didn't know we had a choice ..."
A Pole, a Jew, and a Mexican were in Kuwait, and all three were killed. They all went to hell, where the Devil told them "I'm havin a REAL busy day here guys, and frankly I don't have time to take care of you properly. Tell ya' what, give me $5 each and I'll send you right back where you came from."
The Pole promptly paid the $5 and found himself back in the war zone, where he ran to report to his company commander. The CO was curious, of course, as to where the other two guys were. To which the Pole replied, "Well, when I left, Goldstein was trying to talk him down, and Lopez was looking for a cosigner ..."
A Brit and a Scot where standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked up. "You know what," said O'Brien, "I just went into that pub over there, ordered a pint, and played some darts. When I walked out of the pub the barkeep told me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint. He didn't do anything to me, so I got a free drink!"
Smyth-Jones, the Brit, liked the idea so much he went into the pub and did the same thing the O'Brien did. An hour later Smyth-Jones came out and told the Irishman, and MacGregor, that the barkeep didn't give him any trouble either. So MacGregor decided to try too.
He walked into the bar and ordered a pint. As MacGregor talked to the barkeep, the barkeep mentioned the two blokes who walked out without paying. MacGregor asked the barkeep why he did nothing. The barkeep said, "I'm not looking for trouble." MacGregor replied, "Well it's getting late if you'll give me my change, I'll be heading home ..."
Three bums Dusty, Jake and Loner were walking down some railroad tracks when Jake stops and asked the other two, "Hey, did either of you guys in your pants?"
Dusty and Loner both replied, "Not me Jake."
"Well, I smell shit, and I think it's coming from one of you guys," said Jake.
They walked a little further before Jake turned to Loner and asked, "Are you SURE you didn't shit in your pants?"
"Well Jake," said Loner, "don't ya' think I'd know if I shit in my pants?"
With that, Jake knocked Dusty to the ground, untied his rope belt and pulled down his overalls. Right there in the middle of the seat of his pants was a flattened out shit, lookin' like a big old dried out brown pancake.
"I thought you said you didn't shit in your pants!" cried Jake.
"Ohhh," replied Dusty, "I thought you meant TODAY ..."
After six months prospecting for gold, a miner visited the local trading post desperate for a woman. "Nothing much around here," the storekeeper told him, "only the odd squaw, or old Joe the stablehand." "Can't take no injun wimen, sure as hell ain't taking no man," the parched miner croaked in disgust as he stamped out the door.
Three months later, the miner was back, was made the same offer, and again refused.
By his third visit, the miner was absolutely determined to find some sex. "Listen," he told the storekeeper, "I ain't got no time to go searching for no injun wimen. I'll have to settle for old Joe." "Cost you thirty dollars," the store keeper replied, "Thats ten for me, ten for old Joe, and ten for the cook."
Feeling cheated, the miner said, "What the hell does the cook have to do with it?!"
"Well," continued the storekeeper, "it takes two of us to hold old Joe down. You see, old Joe ain't too keen on men either ..."
A guy, who just joined the Foreign Legion was sent to North Africa. After three months of sleeping in the trackless wastes, he started getting sex hungry. So he asked his captain, "What do people do to satisfy their needs?"
"Well," the captain replied, "See that hut over there? At night go stick your dick in there."
So, that night, the guy went out to the hut and stuck his dick through the wall. A pair of warm lips wrapped around his member, and he proceeded to get the blow job of his life! This went on for a week before, one night, nothing happened. So the guy went to the captain and asked him what the problem was.
"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you," said the captain, "it's your turn to go into the hut ..."
A teacher was testing her class's ability to taste by giving them life savers. First, she gave them all red ones and their hands went up, "Cherry!"
"Very good," said the teacher. Next she gave them a white one and they thought about it and finally one kid said, "Peppermint?"
"Excellent," said the teacher. Finally she gave them honeyflavored brown ones. They tasted the lifesaver, but could not name the flavor.
"I'll give you a clue, it's something that your mommy calls your daddy."
Suddenly Dirty Ernie shouted, "Quick, spit them out! They're assholes!"
Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.' The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out ... The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on ... The next day, she said 'what the hell,' and put the entire bottle in ... A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"
One day, a teacher was testing the students' intelligence. "Okay class, I have something behind my back which is rectangular, small and black. What is it," she asked.
"A chalkboard eraser," the class responded.
"Yes, very good. That shows you're thinking. Now, I've got something else behind my back which is larger than the eraser, rectangular, and made of paper."
"A book," said one small boy. "Very good Johnny, that shows you're thinking."
Then Dirty Ernie jumped to his feet, stuck his hand in his pocket and said, "I've got something in my hand which is long, stiff, and has a bright pink tip!"
"Ernie! You dirty little boy," shrieked the teacher.
Said Ernie: "Naw, it's just my pencil, but it shows you're thinking!"
One day a little boy was peeking at his sister through the window while she peed. He noticed she farted as she peed. That evening he asked his dad, "Why does sis fart when she pees?" To which his dad replied, "Well, ya see women aren't like us, they can't shake theirs off, so they have to blow dry them selves."
When I was a kid, we had a dog with no legs. His name was 'Cigarette.' Every afternoon we took him out for a drag ...
A proper business man met a beautiful chorus girl, who agreed to spend the night with him for a fee of $500. When he was ready to leave, he told her he did not have the cash with him, but he would have his secretary mail her a check calling it, "Rent for Apartment." On his way to the office he decided that the whole thing was not worth the price he had agreed to pay, so he decided to send her a check for $250.00 for rent of her apartment, along with a note:
I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied
2. There would be plenty of heat
3. It was a small apartment
Last night I found it had been occupied and there was not any heat; also, it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
1. I can not understand how you expected such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied.
2. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if only you knew how to turn it on.
3. As for the size of it, it was not my fault you didn't have enough furniture to fill my apartment.
A preacher stopped at the butcher shop one afternoon to get some meat for the evening meal. He said to the butcher, "May I have a pound of ham, please."
The butcher said, "OK, Reverend, a pound of Dam Ham."
The preacher became upset and questioned the butcher as to why a church going man would speak to a man of the cloth like that.
The butcher said, "I'm sorry Reverend, you misunderstood. That is the name of the product, 'Dam Ham.'" With that, appologies were made and off the preacher went.
When he got home, the preacher said, "I'm home dear and I brought the Dam Ham." She looked at him like he had gone crazy, but he explained that was the name of the ham.
At dinner that evening, the family gathered at the table and heads were bowed for the blessing. Upon the word 'Amen,' all looked up and the preacher said, "Well dear, how about passing me some of that Dam Ham."
With that, Junior, who had not eaten all day, said, "And how about passing some of them fucking potatoes?"
A girl went to her doctor and asked, "Doctor, is it possible to get pregnant through anal intercourse?" The doctor replied, "Yes, my dear, where do you think lawyers come from?"
Did you hear about Hellen Keller? She fell down a well and broke three fingers yelling for help.
A guy opened up a new bar, but he couldn't think of a name for it, so one of his friends suggested that he name the bar after the first lady to walk in.
"Good idea," replied the proud owner.
Later that day a young lady, wearing a small, tight miniskirt that revealed velvety, tanned legs, walked in and applied for a job as a cocktail waitress. The owner said she had ajob if she would let him name the bar after her. And so it was that the bar became known as 'Judith's Legs.'
A few weeks later two bums were loitering outside the bar. A cop came by and asked the bums what they were doing.
One of the bums replied, "I'm waiting for 'Judith's Legs' to open so I can get a drink ..."
One day, a man from Tennessee was pulled over for speeding. While the officer was writing a citation, he noticed the makings of a moonshine still in the back seat. As he slapped the cuffs on the driver, the cop recited, "You're under arrest for a Section 1301 Possession of Moonshine Equipment." "Wail hail," drawled the driver, "ya'll might as well arrest me foh rape. Ah got all thuh right equipment foh thut too!"
During Jesus' crucifixion, a mob of angry people gathered at the base of the hill that his cross sat on top of. The guards kept all of them back, including his disciples. Jesus raised his head up and called "John! John! come to me!"
John fought his way bravely through the angry mob and almost reached the top of the hill when the guards caught him and hurled him back down. As John lay on the earth, Jesus again called out to him, "John! Come to me!"
John bravely fought his way into the mob, up the hill and past the guards almost reaching the base of the cross. The guards again caught him and hurled him back into the mob. "John! Come to me John! Come to me," Jesus cried.
This time nothing would stop him; John pushed his way through the crowd, fought off the guards, and reached the cross that his Master was on. Then he kneeled, "It is I Lord, John, what is it you wish?" Jesus looked at him and smiled, "Look John, Look! I can see your house from up here!"
One day a guy lost his dick in an auto accident. He went to the doctor to get it replaced and the doctor pulled out a drawer with replacement dicks in it.
"Those look o.k.," the unfortunate victim said, "but as long I have the opportunity, I want something a bit longer."
"Sure," the Doc replied as he pulled out another drawer.
"Well," the guy said, "those are pretty hefty, but what I had in mind was something truly spectacular!"
The doctor grunted and begrudgingly opened a third drawer.
"Now you're talking, Doc. That's exactly what I had in mind, but tell me, you got any in white?"
One day a guy was sitting on a bus next to an old lady who was filling out a crossword puzzle. Just when he thought the trip was getting boring when the old lady leaned over and asked, "Excuse me, but can you help me with this puzzle?"
"Why sure," said the guy, "What do you need help with?"
"I'm looking for a word that describes what's on the bottom of a bird cage and ends with 'it'," said the old lady.
"That's easy, 'grit'," answered the guy.
"Oh, I see," said the old lady, "Can I borrow your eraser for a second?"
Did you hear about the study the U.S. government did to discover why the a man's penis has a head on it? It took them five years and five million dollars to discover that it's there for a woman's satisfaction. After hearing these results, the Canadian government did a study which took one year and cost one million dollars. They discovered that the head of the penis is there for the man's pleasure. After hearing this, the Polish government spent twenty minutes and $1.49 to discover that men have a head on their penis to keep their hands from sliding off.
One day three school boys were discussing which way you enter heaven first.
The first boy said, "You enter with your hands first because you're praying to God as you go up."
The second one argued, "No, no. You enter with your head first because you're thinking about God and God is in your mind."
The third one retorted, "No, no, no. You enter with your feet first."
Puzzled, the other two boys inquired, "Feet first? How do you figure that?"
To which the boy replied, "Well, the other morning I walked in on mommy and daddy, and mommy had her feet way up in the air as she was screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
A barber nicked a customer rather badly while giving him a shave. Hoping to make amends, the barber asked, "Do you want your head wrapped in a towel?"
"No thanks," replied the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm!"
The golfer hit the ball and it slammed into a tree and came right back at him. He doubled up in pain and as he was moaning and moaning a foursome of nurses came by. One of the nurses ran over to him and said, "Here, let me help you!" The golfer was so embarrassed that he protested he would be alright soon. The nurse said, "But I know just what to do to help you stop hurting." So she had him lie down and she proceeded to undo his belt and zip down his pants. She took his penis in her hand and began to rub it and after a little while she said, "There now. Doesn't that feel better?"
The golfer replied, "Yes, but my finger still hurts like hell!"
A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on". She put them on, but the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on but found that he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants."
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes ..."
A man got drunk one night, went home and crawled into bed with his wife. Lying in bed, he let out a fart.
"What the hell was that," his wife asked.
"I'm playing football," he said, "The score is 60."
His wife thought (Okay, you smart ass. I'll show you) and she let loose a fart of her own. "I'm playing too," she said. "The score's 66 now."
The man laughed and tried to work up a real blaster but, to his dismay, he shit in the bed instead. "Halftime," he said. "We change sides."
The fireman told his wife, "From now on we're going to do things right by the bells, like we do it at the firehouse. When I ring one bell, you meet me at the door with a kiss. Two bells means you head for the bedroom. Three bells means you undress. Four bells means you jump into bed and do what women do best."
Things go according to plan, except the wife picked up the bell while they were in the sack one night and rang it five times. "What the hell does that mean," the fireman asked.
The wife replied, "That means reel out more hose, you aren't close enough to the fire."
THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR
One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. It was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out a SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICYFRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH HENRY!" as she squeezed his PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS. MARYJANE said, "You are even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS." Soon she was a bit CHUNKY and nine months later had a BABY RUTH.
One fine day in the summer of 1980, a Polish architect gathered thousands and thousands of Polish steelworkers, carpenters, etc. and said to them, "We have to do something about the way the world looks at Poland! We should build the biggest bridge in the world, bigger than any other, then they will respect us, so go to it ... for Poland!" So the inspired laborers went off and come back 10 years later.
The foreman announced, "We have built the biggest bridge in the world, bigger than any other!"
The architect of the idea asked, "Well where is it, across the Atlantic?"
"No, not quite that big."
"Across the Mediterranean?"
"No, not there either."
"Then where the hell is it!?"
"It is in the middle of the Sahara desert," said the foreman proudly.
"What?", said the archtitect in disbelief. "Quick, take it down before someone sees it. Blow it up if you have to!"
So the foreman left. Soon he came back and said, "We can't."
"Why not?" is the replied the angry architect.
"Because," explained the foreman, "there are 500 Italians fishing off of it!"
Once upon a time a sailor ran into his doctor's office and begged him for help. He pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his dick, which was sporting a ruby red ring around the tip. He asked the doctor if there was any cure for this strange VD that had appeared.
The doctor just smiled, soaked a cloth in alcohol, and rubbed the end of the dick three times. The sailor looked down and saw that the ring was gone. Ecstatic, he paid the doctor and ran off to catch his ship.
A few months later, another sailor came to the doctor and said to him: "A few months back, my buddy came here with a ring around his dick, and he said you just rubbed it three times and he was cured. Well, I have a similar problem ..." The sailor pulled down his pants and showed off his dick, which was sporting an emerald green ring around the tip. Well, the doctor just reached into a pocket, took out a large knife, and with one whack cut off the sailor's dick.
"What did you do that for!?" screamed the sailor in agony.
"Your buddy had lipstick around his dick," explained the doctor, "You had gangrene."
One night an elderly couple was sitting on the front porch in their rocking chairs. All of a sudden, the old woman leaned over and knocked the crap out of the old man.
The old man, laying on the ground asked, "What was that for?"
The old woman answered, "That's for having such a small sex organ all these years."
So the old man got back on his rocker again. After a few minutes the old man leaned over and knocked the crap out of the old lady.
The old lady said, "What the heck was that for?"
The old man replied, "For knowing the damn difference."
Last year a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a twinkie and a cookie up his ass.
Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the twinkie up the patient's ass. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?"
A polish guy walked into a store and said to the clerk, "I would like to buy a pound of kielbasa."
"You must be polish," the clerk replied.
The polish guy, getting a little irritated, responded, "Why do you say that? If I ordered pasta would you say I was Italian?"
"No," said the clerk.
"If I ordered matzoh ball soup, would you say I was jewish?"
"No," said the clerk.
"If I ordered a crossaint, would you say I was french?"
"No," said the clerk.
"Then what makes you think I'm polish?"
"Because this is a hardware store."
A police man pulls over a jewish man driving on the freeway and said "Mister, did you know your wife fell out of the car half a mile back?" The jewish man said, "Thank god, for a moment there, I thought I was going deaf!"
I know a guy so dumb, he thinks 'innuendo' is an Italian suppository.
If Saddam Hussien were to pull out of Kuwait right now, it would be an example of Kuwaitus Interruptus. He would still be put in jail for Saddamizing Kuwait.
Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.
Two inhabitants of hell were taking a walk when a frigid breeze blew by. Then a storm dumped several inches of snow. The men looked around in amazement. "What's going on?" one asked. "Only thing I can figure," replied his companion, "is that the Cubs just won the World Series."
A pair of martians landed on a country road on Earth in the middle of the night. "Where are we?" one martian asked. "I think we're in a cemetary," replied the other, "Look at the gravestone over there that man lived to be 108." "What's his name?" "Miles from Omaha."
"Oh, what a lovely cow!" exclaimed the young woman from the city. "But why doesn't it have any horns?" "There are many reasons," said the farmer. "Some cows don't have them until later in life. Others have them removed, while other breeds are born without them. This cow doesn't have any horns because it's a horse."
Dirty Ernie was sitting in school, in Oklahoma, on a reservation. It was the last day of school. The teacher said, "I will ask questions, and when you give me the right answer you can go home for the summer." The first question she asked was, "Who was the first president of the U.S.?" Ernie knew, and raised his hand, but the teacher called on a little indian girl. The girl said, "George Washington," and went home. All day long Ernie knew the answers, but the teacher kept calling on the indian children. Finally the teacher asked, "Who is the current president of the U.S.?" Ernie raised his hand. Again the teacher called upon an indian child. Fed up, Dirty Ernie yelled out, "Where the hell did all these damn indians come from?"
"Who said that!" the teacher glared around the room. Ernie said "General Custer at Little Big Horn I'm going home!"
You know you're a redneck if:
Your Truck has curtains, but your house doesn't.
Your porch collapses, and it kills more than seven dogs.
Every car you've ever owned is in your backyard.
There was a pod of whales in the water. One whale spotted a boat. He said to his buddy, "That's the boat that killed Moby Dick!"
"You know," said the other whale, "I know how we can get back at them ... All we do is swim down deep and come up under them and give them a good blow of water!"
So the whales went deep down into the water, came up under the ship, and gave a good blow. The ship went up in the air and came crashing down making the sailors fall into the water. The first whale said to the second, "Now we can eat the sailors!" The second whale replied, "Look, I don't mind giving a good blow, but I refuse to eat sea men!"
Speaking of Dan Quayle, did you hear about the tragedy in Washington the other day? There was a power failure and poor VP Quayle was stuck on an escalator for over two hours.
Regarding the abortion controversy, someone once asked Quayle his opinion of Rowe vs. Wade. He replied that it depended on how deep the water was.
There once was a man who had a very well developed liking for beans (green beans, wax beans, kidney beans, limas it didn't matter which, he liked them all). He would go out of his way to get a good bowl of beans. There came a day, however, when he had to forsake his beloved beans for his only other love the girl he was to marry. He did without his beans for several years. Then, one day, which happened to be his birthday, he was walking home from work when he passed a small roadside cafe which was having a special on ... baked beans! "Since it's my birthday," he thought, "I deserve a special present. I'll have enough time to get rid of the after effects before I get home, so I'll treat myself to a steaming bowl of those beans!"
So he went in and had bowl, after bowl, after bowl of them. He then proceeded to lay a noxious vapor trail all the way home. When he arrived at home, his wife met him outside the door with a blindfold, saying, "I don't want you to see your surprise." After blindfolding him, she led him into the dining room, seated him at the table and left, saying, "I have to get the rest of your surprise." While she was gone, he felt the urge to get rid of some of the tremendous pressure that was building up, so he lifted one leg to get some relief. He didn't get enough leverage, so he lifted the other leg, and proceeded to rip a prolonged, and very wet, fart. Soon he heard his wife returning, so he straightened his pants legs, waved the air, and settled himself. When his wife returned, she removed his blind fold to reveal a melted birthday cake and his friends passed out around the table.
The sign in front of a New Hampshire church proclaimed, "If you're tired of sin, come in." Underneath it someone had scrawled in lipstick, "If you're not, call Marie at 6248971."
Two rich young women, Tina and Buffy, were watching a TV show about the French Revolution. "There's one thing that puzzles me," Buffy said, "If they were so poor, how could they afford all of that antique furniture?"
A bum walked into a bar and sat down next to a drunk who was studying something in his hand. The bum leaned closer as the drunk held the object up to the light. "Well, it looks like plastic," the drunk said. Then he rolled it around in his fingers and added, "And it feels like rubber." Curious, the bum asked, "What do you have there?" The drunk shook his head. "Damned if I know. It looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The bum said, "Let me take a look." He examined it, rolled it between his fingers and said, "Yeah, you're right. It does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."
She was so fat and ugly that she got on the scale and a card came out reading, "One at a time!"
Two clams named Sam and Thelma Clam were basking in the surf, when a dunebuggy ran over them and killed them both. So they went up to Clam Heaven and St. Peter Clam said, "Thelma you've been a good clam so here's your wings, and a harp, and you can go into Heaven, but Sam, you've been a bad clam: drinkin, carousing, carryin on, and hanging out with squids and lobsters, so you have to go to Hell!"
Well Sam , being industrious went down below and opened up a Clam Discotheque. He was doing very well thank you, lots of young clams etc. After a couple of months, Thelma started to get lonely. She approached St. Peter Clam and asked if she could visit Sam. Pete replied, "Okay, but be sure to take your Harp, that's kinda your passport back and forth and make sure you come back in a week!"
So Thelma spent a week with Sam at his discotheque. They had a great time, partying all night long. When she arrived back at the pearly gates, she was greeted by St. Peter Clam who said, "Thelma, you look terrible you're all tired, your halo is crooked and where's your harp? She replied, "Oh, No! I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco ..."