All About Beer1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
3. Beer stains wash out.
4. Beer doesn't have to get a new dress for a party.
5. Beer never has a headache.
6. When a beer goes flat, you just toss it out.
7. Beer is never late.
8. Beer doesn't have a birthday for you to forget.
9. Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
10. Beer doesn't argue with you about when to drink it.
11. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
12. Beer doesn't get upset when you come home and decide to have another beer.
13. Beer never threatens to go to a lawyer.
14. Beer labels come off without a fight.
15. A beer always goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
17. No court has ever granted a beer alimony payments.
18. You can share a beer with your friends.
19. After you have had a beer, the bottle is still worth something.
20. Beer Hangovers go away.
21. Beer never cries or gets jealous.
22. Beer is always wet.
23. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you pour your beer right, you'll always get a good head.
26. Beer can be easily eliminated.
27. Beer is only stopping by, it doesn't stay around and nag.
28. Beer doesn't demand equality.
29. A frigid beer is a good beer.
30. You don't have to take expensive flowers home to your beer.
31. Beer never complains about when you come for it.
32. You don't have to take your beer to a psychiatrist to get it to bubble.
33. You can have a beer in public.
34. You can see through a beer and you know what you are getting.
35. When your beer gets upset, it settles down.
36. Beer is subject to quality control and doesn't argue about it.
37. Beer doesn't talk back to you and ask a lot of silly questions.
38. Beer doesn't make you take a lie detector test about when you had the last one.
39. Beer doesn't have a Mother that goes with it.
40. If you drop a beer, there's no doctor bill.
41. Beer doesn't have anniversaries for you to forget.
42. Beer doesn't demand that you take it dancing before you can have it.
DarksuckersFor years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for which they charge a substantial rate. The recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive research campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax which has been perpetrated upon the public by the powercompanies.
The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs emitted light, in actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb DARK which is then transported back to the power generation stations via wires. A more descriptive name has now been coined; the new scientific name is for the device is DARKSUCKER.
This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark is the fastest known particle in the universe. Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK... light does not really exist!
The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are. There is much less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example.
It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on a celestial scale, witness the Sun. Our Sun makes use of dense dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark space. Naturally, the Sun is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from the Sun.
Occasionally, the Sun actually oversucks; under those conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the Sun. Scientists have long studied these 'sunspots' and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark to such an extent that some of actually leaks back into space. This leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles as they stream out into space via the black 'holes' in the surface of the Sun.
As with all manmade devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This condition can be observed by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum capacity... you have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck dark at all.
A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate because of the intense heat produced.
There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs in these devices cannot handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied (a process called 'recharging') or replaced before the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.
The darksuckers on your automobile are high capacity units with great range, thus they require much larger dark storage units mounted under the hood of the vehicle. Since there is far more dark available in the winter season, automobile dark storage units reach capacity more frequently than they do in the summer, requiring 'recharging', or in severe cases, total replacement.
Dark has great mass. When dark is drawn into a darksucker, friction caused by the speed of the dark particles (called anti-photons) actually generates substantial heat, thus it is unwise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles represent a special problem, as the dark must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat, making it very dangerous to touch an operating candle.
Because dark has such great mass, it is very heavy. If you swim just below the surface of a lake, you see a lot of 'light' (absence of dark, to be more precise). As you go deeper and deeper beneath the surface, you notice it gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake, making it appear 'lighter' near the surface.
The power companies have learned to use the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes by pushing it through turbines, which generate electricity to help push the dark into the ocean where it may be safely stored for their devious purposes.
Prior to the development of turbines, it was much more difficult to get the dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and developed means to assist the flow of dark on it's long journey to the ocean. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to impede the flow of dark, but when they travelled against the flow of dark, they paddled vigorously to help propel the dark along its way.
Scientists are working feverishly to develop exotic new instrumentation with which to measure the actual speed and energy level of dark. While such instrument- ation is beyond the capabilities of the average layman, you can actually perform a simple test to demonstrate the unbelievable speed of dark, right in your own home. All that is required for the simple test is a closed desk drawer situated in a bright room. You know from past experience that the tightly shut drawer is FULL of dark. Now, place your hand firmly on the drawer's handle. Quickly yank the drawer open.. the dark immediately disappears, demonstrating the blinding speed with which the dark travels to the nearest darksucker!
The secrets of dark are at present known only to the power companies. Dark must be very valuable, since they go to such lengths to collect it in vast quantities. By some well hidden method, more modern power 'generation' facilities have devised methods to hide their collection of dark. The older facilities, however, usually have gargantuan piles of solidified dark in huge fenced in areas. Visitors to these facilities are told the huge black piles of material are supplies of coal, but such is not the case.
The power companies have long used code words to hide their activities, D.C. is Dark Conspiracy, whole A.C. is Alternate Conspiracy. The intent of the A.C. is not yet known, but the D.C. is rapidly yielding it's secrets to the probing eyes and instruments of honest scientists around the world. New developments are being announced every day and we promise to keep the public informed of these announcements as they occur via this newsletter.
Everybody Does ItACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.
ACTORS do it on cue.
ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.
AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
ANSI does it in the standard way.
ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.
ARCHITECTS have great plans.
ARTISTS are exhibitionists.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures.
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAKERS knead it daily.
BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal!)
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.
BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.
BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.
BEER DRINKERS get more head.
BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry
BOSSES delegate the task to others.
BOWLERS have bigger balls.
BRICKLAYERS lay all day.
BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
BUTCHERS have better meat.
CAMPERS do it in a tent.
CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.
CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.
CHEMISTS like to experiment.
CHESSPLAYERS check their mates.
CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.
CLOWNS do it for laughs.
COACHES whistle while they work.
COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.
CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.
COPS have bigger guns
COWBOYS handle anything horny.
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.
CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.
DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.
DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.
DENTAL HYGENISTS do it till it hurts.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DETECTIVES do it under cover.
DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.
DIVERS do it deeper.
DOCTORS do it with patience.
DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.
DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.
DRYWALLERS are better bangers.
ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.
ELECTRICIANS do it in their shorts.
EXECUTIVES have large staffs.
FARMERS spread it around.
FIREMEN are always in heat.
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.
FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.
GARBAGEMEN come once a week.
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.
GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.
You Know Your Getting Old When...You have breakfast in bed as a necessity rather than as a luxury.
You remember that your teen heart throb was Vincent Price.
You hear about CROWDED HOUSING and think it is some sort of new federal program.
You are anxiously awaiting your local yogurt store to come out with "oatmeal bran" flavor.
You can no longer even remember your true hair color.
You have stopped counting freckles and started tabulating age spots.
You hear a Beatles record on the elevator at the Doctor's Building and you know the words.
The salesgirls laugh when you suggest that white is the color for a wedding.
Your favorite radio star is given an award, posthumously.
You see antique stores selling old Remington Portable Typewriters, and you purchase one.
Your doctor is just old enough to be your grand-daughter.
You remember when the outfit you are wearing was first in style.
You realize that if John Wayne were your age, he would be dead 22 years.
The kid who repairs your windshield wiper is the same age as your greatgrandson.
You keep shopping for a shampoo with Lanolin extract in it.
You know what LSMFT stands for.
Plowing the fields involved putting the harness on the horse.
You sign a petition for Lawrence Welk Show reruns on the local television station.
You ask for beer shampoo and no one knows what you are talking about.
You remember that your Grandfather swore by the Medicine, with the high alcohol content.
You know what Bon Ami is.
You reach for Watkin's Liniment for any sort of pain.
You recall when milk came in glass bottles and they were recycled automatically
You used to enjoy your bath with floating soap and trying to sink it.
You can remember getting tired legs simply from using the sewing machine.
You remember ponds, shillings and pence.
Kids in your day simply played games and did not wear uniforms to do it.
You knew a time when people who worked in shoe stores knew something about shoes.
You can remember when there was no such thing as a phone answering machine.
You recall asking your wife's parents for permission to take her on a date.
You survived entire summers without air conditioning.
You really enjoyed brushing your teeth with Colgate.
You remember that all people did with grass was cut it.
Your idea of obscenity is jogging.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a nice steak and they stay there.
You can make the wrinkles you see in the mirror disappear, simply by taking off your glasses.
You get your full share of exercise acting as a pallbearer for those who took their exercise.
You stop buying natural foods, because you need all the preservatives you can get.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it is leaning against the wrong wall.
You join a health club and don't go.
You get out of the shower and are glad the mirror is all fogged up.
That gleam in your eye is from the sun, hitting your bifocals.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
Your little black book contains lots of names, all of which end in M.D.
You get winded, playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You decide to procrastinate, but never get around to doing it.
You are still chasing women, but you can't remember why.
Your favorite feature in the newspaper is "Twenty-Five Years Ago Today."
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before you apply the second coat.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You are l7 around the neck, 54 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
You remember today that yesterday was your anniversary.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
That little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
You walk around with your head held high, trying to get used to the trifocals.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.
Your idea of a long trip is to the BACK of the K-Mart.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
Your pharmacist offers to carry the bag of medicines to the car for you.
You go to the barber shop and the barber asks why.
You're startled as someone addresses you as "old timer," for the first time.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 PM.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down as you watch a young girl walk by.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
You regret making all those mistakes, resisting temptations.
You really don't look forward to celebrating your next birthday.
You not only get a senior citizen discount, but the clerk comments you should!
Your idea of a sports event is a wheelchair race.
You get tired watching the fish swim around in the aquarium.
Most of your day is spent making appointments with different doctors.
You get up at night and go to the bathroom and can't recall why.
You check the obituaries in the paper for your daily status report.
A funeral director calls and makes idle conversation, asking how you feel.
Pushing the buttons on the remote control for television is confusing.
You sit and envy your parakeet for the energy it has to move around so much.
You find TV ads for new laxatives interesting.
You lose an argument with a phone answering device.
Your idea of a complete day is to be able to finish the crossword puzzle.
You argue with your best friend about which denture adhesive is better.
You take real interest in hospital admissions listed in the paper, to keep track of your friends.
You've been driving for 46 years and are now upset about taking a driver exam.
You visit a friend in the hospital and the emergency staff come toward you with a wheelchair.
While trying to work out your hospital bill, you to take medication for your blood pressure.
That last visit to the specialist cost you more than you earned in the first four years at work.
Taking out a three year subscription to a magazine is an act of positive thinking and optimism.
You decide to put off one more day what you decided to put off one more day.
You find yourself taking pleasure in comparative shopping cemetery lots.
You really don't care who wins the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes.
No matter who is elected or what they say, taxes get raised.
You can remember when Doctors recommended Chesterfield Cigarettes 5 to l.
Your idea of strenuous exercise is a Bridge tournament.
You get excited simply watching the Weather Channel on television.
You go to the Mall not to shop but get a free blood pressure examination.
You look forward to the next sale on Supporthose.
You go to a sporting goods store to check prices on walking shoes.
Licking stamps on your letters is a hard day's work.
Thinking about alternatives just wears you out.
You've got it all together, but you don't remember what to do with it.
The doctor tells you that you are as sound as a dollar, and you get very upset and worried.
Your idea of a wild drinking party is a medium size Coca Cola.
You notice that your high school classmate looks older than sin.
You are on a first name basis with the chief surgical nurse at the hospital.
You can recall when service stations actually were.
You call the ambulance dispatcher and he tells you your address.
You begin to lose hope of ever finishing your Green Stamp book.
You can remember when it wasn't necessary to call the bank before the plumber.
Famous Last WordsWinning doesn't matter much to me. I just like playing golf.
I respect your opinion, although it differs from mine considerably.
You don't need to bring the boat closer, I can jump from here.
It was driven by a little old lady to and from church.
We do not need to guarantee our product, it never fails.
With this camera, you can't make a serious mistake.
Practically everything in the car is under warranty.
I trust any elected official to do their job properly.
One application of this wax should last at least a year, if not longer.
There really are no exclusions in this policy, it covers everything.
It will work better if you remove the safety device.
Read my lips. No new taxes.
It will be shipped tomorrow and you will receive it within five days.
The check for that item is in the mail.
This offer is for a limited time only, so you must hurry.
It is a wonderful home in a crime free neighborhood at a ridiculous price.
If you have any problem with it, just let us know.
This IRS payment will just have to wait...
There is no way anything could go wrong with it, it has been checked.
It comes with an unconditional guarantee.
We have never had any complaints about this product in the history of it.
This is a maintenance free product and requires no work to keep it going.
This mechanism has always been trouble free.
Product requires minimal assembly which can be done with a screwdriver.
Who cares who wins, it's the way you play the game that counts.
When the current stock is sold, it will not be reordered, so buy it now.
This product is not available in any store at any price.
The weather forecast says sunshine, so leave the boots and rainwear home.
There is a minimal service charge for each call.
The superintendent will be there shortly to correct the problem.
The home office is in Kyoto, but you will never need to call them there.
Because of high demand, allow three to six months for delivery.
Our service truck is on the way to your home at this very time.
We have never even heard of any malfunction of this item before.
Our simple assembly instructions make it almost impossible to fail.
It is absolutely water proof and has never been known to leak.
In the event of minor difficulty, consult the manual for detailed help.
At this price, you can't afford not to buy it.
In this instance, reconditioned means as good as new.
A friendly consultant is available night or day, as close as your phone.
We are sure that the sub-assembly will be in with the next shipment.
Our generous cash refund policy does not apply to that item.
Insurance ResponsesWell, you'd be angry too if you had a tree put a move on you as fast as that one did on me, which is why the car is totally ruined.
The reason I had this difficulty is that the tree wasn't where it would have been if I had selected the right driveway, but since I did not, there it was where it shouldn't be, and this is why I hit it.
I tried to avoid hitting him, but he kept coming toward me and asking for it and I finally felt that I really should oblige him. It demolished his car, but it didn't even scratch my bumper.
The other car appeared, as out of nowhere, although I am sure it was some- where before it appeared, and once it did, hitting it was the only thing left for me to do, so I did it, and frankly, I rather enjoyed it.
We are going to have peace, and by golly, if necessary, I'll beat the stuffings out of anyone who says we are not going to have peace. Sometimes, when you want something bad enough, you just have to fight for it - that's the way it is with peace.
Try as hard as I did, no matter what move I made, that telephone pole matched me and eventually it hit me. I'd have to say that the pole was at fault, it certainly wasn't me.
The stop sign which caused this action appeared there recently and was new to me. It cause me great alarm and when I am watching its pole, I note the sign is too low for the car, which is why it destroy the windshield. When I note this, it excite me, and that is when wall came into line of drive and cause me to ruin radiator, but not until I got the truck of the man who was putting up those stop signs. If there were more space on this form I tell you about baby carriage, but this is enough information for you for one day.
I know of no driving manual which suggests that passengers depart from the cabin of the car when going around the corner at such speeds. When this happened, I took evasive action, and that is when I wiped out those other five cars, the bus and the branch bank office. One of the passengers who got out of the other car still managed to come through my windshield, at considerable additional cost, may I add.
I honestly do not believe that anyone was really responsible for this accident, but if blame must be placed, it surely belongs, all 110% of it, on the other driver.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have.
The other car collided with mine without even giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed for the embankment.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid theaccident.
To avoid hitting the car in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.
In my attempt to hit a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel.
I saw a sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off of the hood of my car.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching; I was attempting to swerve out of the way when it struck my front end.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
The Rules Of LoveThe more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you'll get or how long it'll last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Qualities that attract a woman to a man are the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The younger the better.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It wasn't the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused trouble in Eden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a 3-letter word which needs old-fashioned 4-letter words to convey its meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had, a man, the women he couldn't.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
"This won't hurt, I promise."
Minnie The microMicro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the S100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly, I'll see if she wants an upgrade tonight".
Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL and a Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over the place.
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit floating point processors (whilst dreaming of nibbling her floppies), and enquired "How are you Honeywell?". "Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibres engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.
Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm a stand-alone tonight", he said. "How about computing a vector to my base address, I'll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on." Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milli-seconds then transmitted "8k, I've been dumped myself just recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my discs. I'll park my machine-cycle in your background and meet you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global variable, I wonder if she'll like my firmware."
They sat down at the look-up table to a line-feed of fiche and chips and a bucket of bits. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements although, in reality, he was analysing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old "would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?" but Mini was again one step ahead.
Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. "Let's go Basic, you Ram." she said. Micro was loaded at this stage, but his hardware polling module had a processor of it's own and was in danger of overflowing it's output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core!" was all he could say.
Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the Dec and opened her devices files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.
"No, no!" she piped. "You're not shielded."
"Reset, baby", he replied. "I've been debugged."
"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support a child process", she protested.
"Don't run away", he said. "I'll generate an interrupt".
"No, that's too error prone, and can abort because of my design philosophy."
Micro was locked in by this stage though, and could not be turned off. But she soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his mains supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
"Computers", she said as she compiled herself. "All they ever think of is Hex."
All About PipesAll pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic.
All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
The internal diameter of the pipe must not exceed the overall diameter otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that the water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date
All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site.
Note: Some suppliers are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save agreat deal of time on the job.
All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly marked on each end so people will know it is a long pipe.
Pipe over two miles (3.2km) must also have the words "long pipe" painted on the middle so people will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long or short pipe.
All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it so that it cannot be mistaken for a small pipe.
Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
When ordering 90, 34 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify right or left hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
Be sure to specify to your supplier whether you want level, uphill, or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill the water will flow the wrong way.
All couplings should have either right hand or left hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe it is being unscrewed from the other.
When pipe is being installed in a "non-pressure" situation (e.g. gravity return, overflow or drain) the word "top" must be painted in a prominent position so that the water runs only on the bottom of the pipe.
The word "end" showing where hollow pipe stops, and solid pipe begins shall be clearly marked on all such sections. No length shall have an "end" more than halfway from the middle, nor more than one "end" per length.
Each pipe length must be clearly marked with an arrow denoting direction of flow on each end.
Pipe will be either "unidirectional" or "bi-directional" and in such cases will bear the arrow symbol with the arrow head pointing to where the conveyed material is supposed to go.
Personal ResponsesI'd like to respond to your request, but if I did, you might think I was an easy mark.
Who died and made you the Official Fun Patrol Officer?
How ironic, I came to the computer just to get away from you!
As long as we are doing away with problems, how about you changing jobs!
What is it that is really bothering you? I can't hear you with the computer running.
I'll bet, with your talent, you make a fairly decent salary tormenting people.
What difference will it make, you'll still be ugly, even if I do shut it off!
I hear you and I know where you are coming from. I just can't get behind it.
Go bathe first, then we'll talk!
I'll just bet you're looking forward to martial law!
You're the third person to suggest that to me, and if I said yes, it wouldn't be fair to the others.
Perhaps you didn't know that I have only a week to live!
Who put you up to this? Lord knows, I admire folks who are not afraid to be severely disliked.
I'd love to help you, but you've caught me at a bad time.
I was just doing this to keep creeps away. Guess it isn't working..
No, I will not quit. But I will defend to the death your right to request that I do.
I can't quit. My parole officer says it steadies my nerves. When I get nervous, I commit crime.
School ExcusesMy son was in need of being shot and I finally had it done. As a result he is in the hospital, but that is not where they shot him.
Don't let him take P.E., no matter where he takes it or what excuse he gives. I don't want him near a P.E. class, and that no matter what they are doing, when or where, or even if they are not at the time he is there. Leave him alone. I hope you clearly understand that this is the message and do not ignore it, as you did before when I didn't write it although I intended to. This time, you won't!
Emily will be absent two Fridays from today for a funeral. Please excuse her on that day.
Lloyd had two jaws removed from his teeth and the doctor said he should not try chewing anything more serious than apple sauce for a few weeks.
The dentist said Sylvia is suffering from a great deal of lose vices, and she needs to get a little tight to do what needs doing. We are going to correct her difficulty as quickly as we can find her some newer vices more suited to her age.
Eddie was absent from school yesterday mainly for the simple reason that he was not there. We know where he was, but we are not sure you do, so hold him excused until we catch him and then we will see you about this. It could happen that he won't be able to come to school no more.
If Bobbie hadn't done what he did he wouldn't be where he was which is why he isn't where he should be now as a result of yesterday evening. This could happen again if yesterday evening is repeated.
Louise did not inspire enough and so she almost expired until she retired to the place where she is now, which is why she is not in school, or so I am told as I write this note for your office, so she does not get credit for being where she is not, or whatever it is that gets her into big bad trouble - none of us wants that, so she is excused from it, no matter where she is. As her parent, I so order it to be considered in this way and that is final.
Delores is sick because of something that happened. If it hadn't she wouldn't be, but it did, so she is. This is one of those things that women have that men do not, but if men did, they would be just like women. Since the women have them, this is what they get and this is why it happens. Men so often do not understand. I'd love to see what men did if they got these things and how they would deal with this, but I don't think this will be possible, even with some of the surgery they are doing now. So just excuse Delores until it is over, and when it is, she will be back, just like she always does after it is.
Fred has athelete's foot, although how he got that, knowing him as I do, is something of a miracle. It is as close as he is apt to come to organized sports. And I mean this for all his life. This is the most complete lazy person in our entire family and only the charm he has saves him from both his mother and your office, since we both feel the same way about this affliction.
You probably noticed that Les was not with you yesterday because yesterday was the day that Les was with us, which is why he was not with you. He was with us because we needed to have him tested. He was tested and he did pass the test although the examiner felt that the results were dubious and suggested that we bring Les in to have him retested for a more objective result. We feel that the examiner needs to be tested before we have Les retested to see if the test is reliable when it is given by someone like that examiner. If you did not miss Les yesterday, please ignore this note and act like he was there, although he was not there since he was here, but in the event you didn't notice it then, it is no time now to start taking notes. Please do advise us about a new examiner since we feel this is a serious test. Thank you.
Larry got porked in the loin and he didn't do nothing for a while so he was't at school when he was here.
Brenda is administering and can not be in class. She is in a class by herself.
Bob is too much for a tree out of which he fell so he won't be taking any of that exercise for awhile with that cast. Keep him off swings and away from bars. I mean swinging bars, not those others where he won't go even if we try.
Bobby got hiself fired up burning them leaves and he won't do no more of that.
Louise boils to much, so Dr. Pierce did a lance and much fuse flowed, so she mised speling. xcuse her. she come when she can.
Albert was so cold he run high. And the tempatire got too bad an he got sick of fever and so he stay here because he no go. you understand.
You'd be sick too, if you did what Mike did, so excuse him because it was not his fault. Don't ever try this yourself, because if you do, you won't like it.
Eddie missed school yesterday because of the trout condition brought on by the sinus leak which unplugged too much and runned all over the place when it did too much, and it sure did that.
Robert told me he had no class and was he wright or wrong? I think right.
The pony fell on Jim so we had to shot although we didn't want it this way. I guess it was because of the broken leg that this happened. Jim will be alright after we get the cast off that leg and bury the body so he can be out in the back yard again. i know you know how these things go and this did.
Marty had too much homework, which cause him to spill his hot soup because he was nervous and upset. This cause him to stay home. This cause me to be sick. This cause Marty to return, but he don't get that homework done. Who is the one sending all this homework? Wait till I get well and see this person..
The reason Phillip was not in school is that he was not there. If he had been there, this would not be necessary, but as it is, he wasn't so this is. I do hope that we can get this cleared up and stop all these notes.
Bens beans cost lose vowels and so he came to often to the place that he didn't get there where he should have. You not here to miss mess we did not miss. He is still running, but we no sent him to schol like this because the run with his run is to far. Please exclude him, with my atority.
Georgia got her ear done and it poisoned her and she felt that poison so she not come to school. This hole cause much upset in the family. Her lobe is going down and that is the problem. It is so slow.
Everett ate the cole slaw and it was too much for him. We was as upset as he was, but he got the better of us and we left him stay, so he is not there when you look yesterday. today he is.
They was plaing darts and Danny stood there and the doctor said he shold not be in school till the holes heel. No, not his foot, his arms mainly but some others too.
She took the brain test with no results so we don't think she has it. But we are keeping her home just to watch. You really can't tell much from nothing, and so we are sending this with Billy, how to get it to you.
I hate it when John stays home but the doctor insisted that he stay in the hospital which is the reason he is not in school. He will be, when he is, and it won't be long either.
She has to go to the doctor to get her arches examined. We want her to stand tall, but she slumps. If she is just slumping to stay out of school, we will know that too. Slumping is no excuse, but right now it is until we find out that it isn't.
The doctor just informed us that some parts are missing in Gaston and we are searching for the right doctor to find them. Maybe with your experience, you can help us. If so, please call.
How can you say Tad was late when he never come at all? He did this without us. Today he comes early to make up for it and you decide what to do with him.
Taco's Don't ...don't compare you with friends.
don't tell their mother that you are an asshole.
won't tell your mother that you are an asshole.
won't mind if you share them with friends.
don't fall in love with you.
don't care how much meat you put in them.
don't give you herpes.
NEVER call you back in a month with bad news.
don't care if you respect them in the morning.
won't throw up in your front seat.
won't scream so loud that it wakes up the neighbors.
won't leave scratches on your back.
don't tell you that size doesn't count.
can get away on weekends.
don't care if you come home smelling like strange tacos.
don't fog up your car windows.
don't call you at home.
won't mind if you talk about other tacos in your sleep.
won't leave panties in your car.
won't spit it out in the toilet.
can handle rejection.
won't ask you about former tacos.
don't demand alimony when you stop eating them.
are immune to yeast infections.
don't yell "beat me, hurt me, bite me!!".
never eat other tacos.
won't make you keep eating until you get it right.
don't get headaches.
don't make you tell them it was great.
You can get tacos for 55 cents a piece.
You don't have to be a postman to eat tacos any day of the week.
You can eat a taco in a two seat roadster or even while driving.
You can eat a taco and know that you're the first.
If you don't finish a taco, it doesn't go away mad.
You can eat a taco with your glasses on.
You can always make a taco hot.
A taco never tells you how to eat it.
You can still eat a taco after you forget its birthday.
You can breathe when you eat a taco.
It's easy to get rid of a taco.
The Rules Of WomenThe female always makes the rules.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without notification.
If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she MUST immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said.
If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
The Male must never change his mind without written consent from the Female.
The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
If the Female has PMS, all rules are null and void.
Your Astrology ChartAQUARIUS: Jan. 21 Feb. 19
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great
deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractable, causing
you to make the same mistakes repeatedly.
Everyone thinks you are stupid.
PISCES: Feb. 20 Mar. 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA &
FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for
flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward.
Pisces people screw small animals.
ARIES: Mar. 21 Apr. 20
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick
tempered, impatient and scornful of advice.
You are a real prick.
TAURUS: Apr. 21 May 21
You are practical and persistant. You have a dogged determination and work like
hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded.
You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
GEMINI: May 22 June 21
You are quick and an intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual.
However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are
Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER: June 22 July 23
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems. They think you
are a sucker. You are always putting things off and that's why you will always be
on welfare and never worth a shit.
LEO: July 24 Aug. 23
You consider yourself a born leader while others think you are pushy. Most Leo's
are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. This arrogence is
Leo people are always thieving bastards.
VIRGO: Aug. 24 Sept. 23
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your few
friends. You are cold and un emotional and often fall asleep while making love.
Virgos make excellent bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA: Sept. 24 Oct.23
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you
are more than likely to be queer. Changes of employment and monetary gains are
excellent. Most Libra women are excellent whores.
All Libras are carriers of venerial disease.
SCORPIO: Oct. 24 Nov. 22
You are shrewed in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the pinnacle of
success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect sonofabitch.
Most Scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS: Nov. 23 Dec. 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck
since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends.
People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting done over.
CAPRICORN: Dec. 22 Jan. 20
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and
are lazy. There has never been an individual Capricorn of any particular
importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time as they
tend to attract pidgeons.
Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men:The average cucumber is at least six inches long.
A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't count.
A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
A cucumber will never leave you for another woman.
Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
Cucumbers don't get TOO excited.
Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
It's easy to drop a cucumber.
No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
You always know where your cucumber has been.
Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
You can eat a cucumber when YOU feel like it.
A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
You won't find out later that your cucumber is married,
A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex nun.
Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
Real Exam AnswersCharles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To prevent conception when having intercourse,the male wears a condominium.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only itis even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and the study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
NOAH WAY!And the LORD said unto Noah, Where is thine ark, which I did command that thou shouldst build?
And he said, Verily, I have had three carpenters to be taken ill. The supplier of gopher-wood hath let me down--yea, even have I had mine order in for forty weeks. What can I do, LORD?
And the LORD said unto him, Thou shalt finish that ark even after seven days and seven nights. And Noah said, It shall be so.
And lo, it was not so. And the LORD said unto Noah, What seemeth to be thy trouble this time?
He replied unto him, My subcontractor hath quitted his trade for want of shekels. The pitch which thou didst desire that I should smear on the outside and on the inside is not arrived.
The plumber refuseth to labour for that I pay not enough. Shem my son, which hath holpen me on the ark side of the business, hath gathered unto himself a pop group with Ham and Japheth his brethren. Verily, LORD, I am undone.
Whereas the LORD became wroth and said, And what hast thou done about the animals, male and female of every sort, which I have commanded thee to bring into the ark for to keep alive their seed upon the face of the earth?
And Noah said, They have been delivered unto another arkbuilder, but ere the third day hence they shall surely arrive.
Then saith the LORD: And the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by sevens? And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying, O LORD, unicorns are a discontinued line and cannot be had for love nor money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Indeed, LORD, thou knowest how it is?
And the LORD in his wisdom said unto him, Noah my son, I know. For why else thinkest thou that I shall flush the heavenly crapper on you?
Impure MathematixWherein it is related how that polygon of womanly virtue, young Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that notorious villain Curly Pi, and factored (oh, horrors!).
Once upon a time (1/t) pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns closed in from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-euclidean space.
She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.
Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.
"ArcSinh!" she gasped.
"Ho, Ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see your angles have lots of Secs."
"Oh, Sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator. "your fears are purely imaginary."
"i, i," she thought. "Perhaps he's not normal, but homologous."
"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered, "I suppose you've never been operated on."
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I'm absolutely convergent!"
"Come, come," said Curly. "Let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."
"Never!!" gasped Polly.
"Abscissa!!!" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a natural log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his hand tending toward her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever. There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated her by parts. He integrated her by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Cutta on her. The complex beast even went all theway around and did a coutour integration. Curly went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis. Then, he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But, it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she went to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.
The moral of our sad story is this, "If you want to keep your expression convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom."
'Robbie Rubber' Reminds Us To:1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
3. Before you blaster, guard your bushmaster.
4. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
7. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you ain't going to sack it, go home and whack it.
10. Before you bag her, cover your dagger.
11. It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
12. If you slip between her thighs, condomize.
13. Save embarrassment later cover your gater.
14. She won't get sick if you cap your dick.
15. If you go into heat, package your meat.
16. If you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis.
17. Off with her pants and blouse? Suit up your trouser mouse.
18. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
19. In December, gift wrap your member.
20. She'll do cunnilingus with a shielded dingus.
21. A Trojaned hoss gathers no moss.
22. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
23. The right selection? Sack that erection.
24. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
25. Befo' the van start rockin' cover it with a stockin'.
26. A crank with armor will never harm her.
27. Before you disrobe, cover your probe.
Indoor GolfEach player will furnish is own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
The course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft before play begins.
Course owners have the right to restrict the length of the club in order to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
It is normally considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course. The experienced player will usually admire the entire course, with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention any other courses they have played. Upset owners have been know to damage players' equipment for this reason.
Players should assure themselves that the match has been properly scheduled especially on a course being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to get irate if they find someone else playing what they considered their own private course.
Players should not assume that the course is in shape for play at all times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is temporarily under repair. The player is advised to use tact in this determination. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
Course owners shall be the judge as to who is the best player. It is considered bad form for a player to reveal his score, or even that he even played the course, to other players. Players who have contracted for exclusive rights to play a private course are cautioned that information reaching the owner that the player has played some other course, may result in the contract being cancelled and a suit for damages instituted.
Useful Phrases"Akbar khalikili haftir lotfan"
(Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun)
"Fekr gabul cardan davat paeh gush divar"
(I am delighted to accept your kind invitation tolie down on the floor with my arms above myhead and my legs apart)
"Shomaeh fekr tamomeh oeh gofteh bande"
(I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life)
"Auto arraregh davateman mano sephehhast"
(It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car)
"Khrel jepaheh maneh vajateii amrikahey"
(I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters)
"Balli, balli, balli!"
(Whatever you say!)
"Maternier ghermez ahlieh, ghorban"
(The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency)
"Tikeh nuneh ba ob khrelleh bezorg va khrube boyast ino begeram"
(The watersoaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe)
"Fashaleh tupeman na degat mano goftan cheeshayeh mohemara jebehkeshv arehman"
(If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
People in the Men's RoomEXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
CROSSEYES: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
ABSENTMINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
DISGRUNTLED: Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.
CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.
The PlanIn the Beginning was the Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the Darkness was upon the face of the workers
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their Section Chiefs and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Section Chiefs went unto the Branch Chiefs and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Branch Chiefs went unto their Assistant Commissioners and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength."
And the Assistant Commissioners spoke among themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which promotes plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Assistant Commissioners went unto the Deputy Commissioners and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Deputy Commissioners went unto the Commissioner and sayeth unto him, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficency of this Agency, and in these Areas of Particular."
And the Commissioner looked upon "The Plan" And saw that it was good, and "The Plan" became Policy.
LawsO'REILLY'S LAW OF THE KITCHEN
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Everybody lies; but it doesn' matter, since nobody listens.
Virtue is its own punishment.
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
HANDY GUIDE TO MODERN SCIENCE
If it's green or it wiggles - it's biology
If it stinks, it's chemistry
If it doesn't work, it's physics
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person MUST be fired.
GREEN'S LAW OF DEBATE
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
STEWART'S LAW OF RETROACTION
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
FIRST RULE OF HISTORY
History doesn't repeat itself --- historians merely repeat each others.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
OLIVER'S LAW OF LOCATION
No matter where you go, there you are.
When the going gets tough - everyone leaves.
GLYME'S FORMULA FOR SUCCESS
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake it, you've got it made.
MASON'S FIRST LAW OF SYNERGISM
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
THE SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
A Rotten Day!You know it's going to be a ROTTEN DAY when...
1. You wake up face down on the footpath.
2. You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4. You see a '60 Minutes' team waiting in your office.
5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
7. You put on the News and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.
8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
9. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of 'Hell's Angels' along the freeway.
10. The boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.
11. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
12. You walk to work and then find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose (that's even more embarrassing for ladies).
13. You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
14. Your blind date turns out to be your wife.
15. Your income tax cheque bounces.
16. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
17. Your wife say's 'Good morning, Bill' and your name is John.
Book TitlesSpots On The Wall ... By Hu Phlung Poo
Hawaiian Love Song ... By Comonwiwanalayya
Russian's Revenge ... By Hoyoudon Kutchercockoff
Chinese Population Explosion ... By Wi Phucom Yung
Revenge of the Jungle Tiger ... By Claude Balls
The Disappointed Old Maid ... By Dickie Small
Sailor BewareBy ... Don Bendover
The Open Kimono ... By Seymore Hare
The Protruding Pajama Leg ... By Lotta Dicks
The Yellow Stream ... By I.P. Daily
By A Waterfall ... By U.P. Standing
The Ruptured Japanese ... By I Hung Low
The Flip Dizzy Hawaiian ... By Lacka Nookie
The Bride's First Night ... By Peter B. Kyne
Blood On The Picnic Ground ... By Buster Cherry
The Sex Mad Russian ... By Ivantor Titsoff
The Anxious Moment ... By R.U. Cummin
The Old Fashioned Way ... By Ilene Back
The Rooster's Mistake ... By Rhoda Duck
Rip In The Mattress ... By Mr. Completely
The SelfMade Man ... By Peter Long
The SixtyNinth Romance ... By E.R. French
Back To Back ... By Will E. Tyrn
Love Thy Own Self ... By O.E. Pullit and Howie Pullit
Vacation In France ... By Hugo Down
Paree', I Give My Life To Thee ... By Ben Eaten
The Great Rubber Failure ... By Iva Child
The German's Favorite Spot ... By Herr Bottom
The Ideal Husband... By John Henry Everhard
How To Reduce A Fat Woman ... By Ryder Moore
Birth Control ... By Iona Syringe
Teen Mother ... By Pasteur Period